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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else decline every invitation?

253 replies

abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 11:55

I hate weddings, I don't like socialising in large groups and I don't drive so there is a financial aspect.
My own wedding only had 2 witnesses (I would have had less) and no party. I don't enjoy it. I either make up a fake reason if I don't know them well enough or if I know the person well enough, they know I don't do that stuff.

I was guilted into a baby shower once and what's the point? Ill get a gift if that's what it's all about but I hate parties. I don't drink either which is probably a good reason. Everyone gets drunk and I'm just bored and tired and upset that I'm not sat in my house having a nice relaxing time.

I take my kids to parties but I hate every second and at least I know if I arrive at 2pm I will definitely be leaving at 4pm and nobodies going to try to make me drink or stay.

I know I sound like a dickhead and I am I don't even like seeing all my brothers and sisters and parents at christmas as its just too much for me. Sensory overload I think. Really takes it out of me.

The problem is nobody understands and thinks I don't like them or its rude but surely declining an invitation isn't really rude? I mean I wouldn't invite Sally to my bookclub because I know Sally doesn't read, so don't invite me to your party because you know I don't do parties!

Am I the only one? I feel like I was created wrong, like I'm an alien species sometimes.

OP posts:
Theos · 12/03/2023 11:56

M8. Are you OK?

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 11:56

How often are you actually being invited to things Op?

you really don’t sound sociable at all, so I’m surprised you’re even receiving invitations

Original poster
abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 11:58

Me too, I'm so surprised

I only like one on one or small groups.

OP posts:
Original poster
abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 12:00

perhaps because of covid I'm now getting a back log of invitations that were cancelled

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 12/03/2023 12:00

No you're not the only one.

I hate weddings & parties too. So much I've only been to one wedding evening do & one christening (because it was DHs best man's child!) in my entire adult life. Even my own wedding was a elope.

I'm on the spectrum though.

drpet49 · 12/03/2023 12:00

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 11:56

How often are you actually being invited to things Op?

you really don’t sound sociable at all, so I’m surprised you’re even receiving invitations

This. You sound so miserable.

Mumoftwogirls23 · 12/03/2023 12:01

Theos · 12/03/2023 11:56

M8. Are you OK?

My exact thoughts!

Theluggage15 · 12/03/2023 12:02

Well if everyone gets drunk at the parties you go to, the issue is with the people you know. I like going to parties and get togethers but no one gets drunk at them.

Cornelious2011 · 12/03/2023 12:03

Have you always found social situations/ gathering difficult?

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/03/2023 12:03

Perfectly ok to not like parties and not feel guilty about it.

We’re all different. And you’re not miserable due to that. Plus you enjoy seeing friends one to one or in smaller groups - that’s fine.

Not a crime! You’re allowed to be as you are.

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 12:05

I suspect Op

that all these party invitations that you are batting away left, right and centre …. Is perhaps not quite the reality of the situation but it feels like that to you because you despise them so much

SquirrelRed · 12/03/2023 12:05

I could've written this myself so you're not alone! I hate every second of socialising in any form

ourflagmeansdeath · 12/03/2023 12:06

Please don't listen to some people on here. Not everyone is incredibly sociable and will want to party all the time. You aren't miserable, you're just a different person. And you're making an effort for your DC so tops to that. As long as you aren't actively being miserable and putting others down when you are forced to go out it's all good.

ourflagmeansdeath · 12/03/2023 12:07

I just feel like some people live the safety of their homes and the people they're close to only. And that's perfectly okay. You don't have to fit into what society views as ordinary and normal.

Schmutter · 12/03/2023 12:10

I am guilty of making up excuses to dodge events, usually family ones.

My friend bought me a mug that says, ‘Listen, I Still Want To Be Invited But I'm Not Coming’ as she says it sums me up.

I probably decline 20% of invitations if I can get away with it. I don’t want to be out every weekend or more than twice in a week.

Original poster
abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 12:10

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks
how do people take this from you? people I know take it badly and keep trying to 'fix me'
but nobody wants to do what I want to do and it's not considered rude to laugh in my face if I suggest something they don't want to do.

also got lots of guilt and pressure to change my own wedding plans. We eloped of course. I wish I never told anyone.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 12/03/2023 12:10

You sound very introverted. You will get a lot of replies on here from like minded posters. The invitations will dry up soon anyway as you keep declining them so I wouldn't worry about it.

Original poster
abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 12:11

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 12:05

I suspect Op

that all these party invitations that you are batting away left, right and centre …. Is perhaps not quite the reality of the situation but it feels like that to you because you despise them so much

yes I think so. I'm still bitter about the baby shower of 2015!

OP posts:
cobblers123 · 12/03/2023 12:15

I turned down an invitation last summer for a 60th birthday party. I know the whole family, know a lot of their friends, I have always been pretty social and it would be a great event with lots of drink and lovely food. They have a gorgeous house and gardens so the location would be perfect.

I just suddenly realised that I didn't feel enthusiastic about going. Had nothing suitable to wear, driving so couldn't drink and would get fidgety after just a couple of hours and want to go home. Really weird to feel so anti.

Not sure if last couple of years with Covid has had an effect or it's my age. Think it's probably only the first invitation I will be turning down though.

Phonemonkey2023 · 12/03/2023 12:15

DP is very much like you, for some reason it is more accepted in males I find. Lots of neurodiversity in my family though so we are very understanding of people being different’.

Picklypickles · 12/03/2023 12:15

I've declined so many invitations to things I hardly ever get invited to anything these days, which is perfect!

I'll go to smaller things like a meal with family but that's it. I hate weddings and parties, I can't stand all the noise and the constant pressure to "have a drink" and "be sociable". I'm not sociable and I don't want to be.

I was recently invited to my nephews 3rd birthday party and I had assumed it would just be a typical kids birthday party with kids playing party games and eating party food but it turned out to be a rather large gathering of brother and his partners families and friends with booze and a BBQ. Their little house and garden was packed like a tin of sardines and I couldn't hear anybody trying to speak to me over all the noise. If I'd have known beforehand I'd have just dropped a present down and skipped the party, with all those people there my absense wouldn't have been much of an issue.

Original poster
abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 12:17

I need that mug!
ha I just realised I talk more on the Internet than in life. its easier being anonymous. My real family and friends are like the first few posters.
I'm definitely OK m8. I'd probably regret it if my dh died tomorrow but then I might not. I like being at home or walking on my own.
I like everything on my own and I go out a lot more since they introduced self service.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 12/03/2023 12:18

My DH is similar. However, he doesn't get the right to complain if we both get invited out and he declines, so I go without him.

If I never socialised at all I would feel trapped and bored. It's two sides of the same coin really.

LimeCheesecake · 12/03/2023 12:19

Do you have friends? Just if you never do anything for years, I’m surprised you have friends that are close enough to still invite you to things, if that makes sense. Are you able to socialise one on one (like meet one friend for a drink - even if yours is a soft drink, or go out for lunch), or do you decline all socialising?

if the invites are coming from not friends, but family, then you know it’s a duty invite. It often that there’s lot in one go as family members reach the stage of marriage/babies at a similar time, but then that generation are all “done”.

I know MN loves introverts and suggesting just declining everything, but family ties are important. Make sure if you decline the big meet ups, you find a way to meet with family members one to one.

BetterCare · 12/03/2023 12:19

You are an out-and-out or (in-and-in) introvert. I am the same. I do not like big parties, they are not fun for me. I love, love, love all my family but after five minutes in a room with all of them together I am done. Weddings I will go to, but will also ways be prepared to leave once I am done and hen parties just no.

The world seems to be dominated by an extrovert-type lifestyle, as shown by some of the, "you sound miserable" comments you are getting. It seems that extroverts get to determine the definition of fun. But everyone has their own definition. Fun to me is gardening, going for a walk by myself or having a nice lunch with a friend or a small group of friends.

It is not about being shy, it is about knowing how you decompress, and what you need to recharge your batteries. Extroverts need to be around people and being alone can tiring, they need to be social to recharge. Whereas for an extrovert it is the opposite.

I have learnt over time to embrace the fabulousness of being an introvert. It has made me be very strong in setting my boundaries. I have spent too many times when I was younger, sitting at parties I did not want to go to, nightclubs I hated, and family gatherings that went on way too long because I was pressured. At my age now I refuse to do what I do not want to do.

It is not about you begin miserable it is about you being more honest with regard to what you do and do not like and what you will and will not do.