Anyone else decline every invitation?

[abandonedmadem]

I hate weddings, I don't like socialising in large groups and I don't drive so there is a financial aspect.
My own wedding only had 2 witnesses (I would have had less) and no party. I don't enjoy it. I either make up a fake reason if I don't know them well enough or if I know the person well enough, they know I don't do that stuff.

I was guilted into a baby shower once and what's the point? Ill get a gift if that's what it's all about but I hate parties. I don't drink either which is probably a good reason. Everyone gets drunk and I'm just bored and tired and upset that I'm not sat in my house having a nice relaxing time.

I take my kids to parties but I hate every second and at least I know if I arrive at 2pm I will definitely be leaving at 4pm and nobodies going to try to make me drink or stay.

I know I sound like a dickhead and I am I don't even like seeing all my brothers and sisters and parents at christmas as its just too much for me. Sensory overload I think. Really takes it out of me.

The problem is nobody understands and thinks I don't like them or its rude but surely declining an invitation isn't really rude? I mean I wouldn't invite Sally to my bookclub because I know Sally doesn't read, so don't invite me to your party because you know I don't do parties!

Am I the only one? I feel like I was created wrong, like I'm an alien species sometimes.

This is me! As a non-drinking, introvert I would so much rather be doing something or going somewhere interesting than generic socialising. I long ago realised that I do my socialising best in the context of activities shared with others rather than sitting around trying to make small talk. If I had been in the group when you suggested a play, museum, walk or bike ride I would have been the first to sign up.

Its how you decline that matters. If you go into a lot of detail about what you don't like, people are boring, it's too much effort, drinkers are dull, people are going to take offence. If you make it clear it's about you and your personality rather than anything wrong with them or their event, people should understand. It's also a good idea if you care about the friendship to follow up declining the invitation with a suggestion of something you could do with the person, catch up for coffee etc, so they know it's not personal.

Well that's hardly loads is it? Just decline. You could of course ask them not to invite you again.

Are you aware of how judgemental this is? “I hate most people” and I’m sure most people will hate you, with that kind of attitude!

I've just written a long and too complicated post trying to say this and ended up deleting it!
You put it so much more clearly.

If they're happy to be rude about your interests, I wouldn't hesitate in being rude about theirs, tbh.

Just say something like "Sorry, but I feel the same way about pubs and clubs as you feel about my suggestions to go biking or hiking, so I'm going to have to say no".

PS - you don't sound miserable or boring to me! I'd go on a hike or bike ride with you :)

Plenty of people aren't into that though, sounds like maybe the friends you've had aren't overly suited to you and/or they have no idea how you feel about social things?

I enjoy being out and about, one of my friends hates it though and so tomorrow for example she's coming to mine after work for a catch up and takeaway. I prefer going out to eat but its an easy compromise for me as its lovely seeing her and I know it's a lot harder for her to go out than for me to stay in. She did come to my wedding which I knew was a big deal for her and I made sure she had somewhere throughout the day to decompress if needed.

3 in 5 years hardly makes it a huge issue though. I never mind someone declining any sort of invite- people are busy or simply don't want to, I hate it when people are flaky and just don't turn up! One of my friends has anxiety and I know she commits with good intentions then changes her mind, I always assume she won't be there but make provision just in case; other than that though wish people would be honest.

No you are not alone. I only really like spending time with small groups of close friends or if there is a shared activity. I need plenty in common with someone to want to spend time with them.

I decline most invitations to parties, weddings and definitely christenings.

Thank you :-)

I have friends that prefer one on one and friends that prefer group settings. Whichever friend I spend it with, I see it as having time with a friend and if it is in a group setting, I likely also meet new people. Doesn’t bother me either way.

I get you OP, I'm the same. Covid was like a reset switch when I realised how much better it was to live as I wanted without pressure to do things/parties/pubs/nights out etc. So freeing.
I don't drink much, if at all, it just makes me sleepy. Drunk people are so boring when you are sober and a night can really drag. I never understood pubs at all tbh, uncomfortable chairs, cold drinks, noise, randoms and (back in the day) smoke, I could never grasp how anyone got any enjoyment out of it! Clubs were a bit better as there was at least dancing.
I meet my friends one to one or in small groups now, so much better. Your friends are not good friends, if you haven't already done so I'd be ditching them and cultivating friendships with likeminded people.

You're not alone. I have just declined an invite to my cousin s 3rd wedding even though I really like him.

It's in the summer which is hard for me anyway due to an intolerance to heat in SE England (40c last July so not looking forward to this one) and can't be bothered to dress up all fancy and meet a load of people I don't know.

The alternative for me is probably sitting in my back garden under the large parasol with my cat and a long cold drink.
That would be heaven.

Ds and dd are both adults and have also declined the invitation because we are all pretty introverted.

Nothing wrong with that. I put my work face on 5 days a week and mingle with 100s of people in my school, but I m paid for that and by Friday I m exhausted.

Of course at 60 with ADHD, ASD, OCD, etc., I am well aware of how I am. I don't care if randoms or acquaintances hate me.

Something about these things combined with menopause, leads to zero fucks given and a much more peaceful happier life.

The world seems to be dominated by an extrovert-type lifestyle, as shown by some of the, "you sound miserable" comments you are getting. It seems that extroverts get to determine the definition of fun. But everyone has their own definition. Fun to me is gardening, going for a walk by myself or having a nice lunch with a friend or a small group of friends

Totally agree.

I’m on the spectrum and am the same. It’s not miserable , it’s just different to the norm. People who don’t understand people like us lash out but I’m at the age now that I just shrug it off.

You've had three invites in five years and you are overwhelmed! Goodness.

Good research reported in the Guardian about socialisation being good for the brain as we age.

You sound a lot like me and I certainly won't apologise for it! I'm quite shy especially in large groups where I don't know everyone, I hate parties/weddings/baby showers etc and find them too much.

I have friends and I like seeing them but in small groups for a coffee or for dinner. I don't drink alcohol either which I think plays a big part as I often feel on the edge of all of these people having a great alcohol related time. I think people I don't know well find me a bit weird for not drinking or just a bit odd because I'm quite quiet, in fact one of dh's friends wives once told me I am "quite funny but I'd be even better to be around if I drank"!! Fucking cheek 😂

My good friends know me now, I'm not the clubbing/party/bar going friend I'm the chilled out Sunday morning dog walking/coffee/dinner friend and if they want to go to a club or a bar then go with someone else because I'm not coming!!

Zero fucks given isn't the same as not caring if friends hate you. That's just weird.

Exactly that.

Drinking and sport. The most boring activities on the planet.

I avoid drinkers like the plague. They think they are so amusing but they are truly one dimensional and boring telling their same tired jokes on repeat. The more they drink, the louder they get.

This 100%. Honestly the anti-introvert sentiment on so many MN threads is eye-watering.

You probably wish you had the courage to have zero fucks around certain people.

There are lots of different ways to socialise - they don't all have to involve meeting up with lots of people, or attending big social events.

Meeting up with one person to (for example) walk the dogs for a few hours can be more beneficial than a night at the pub for many people.

Sitting in a pub is a neutral thing to do. Like sitting in a cafe or sitting on a park bench. It's just a place to be with other people. The fun or tedium arises solely from the company and whether you are able to entertain each other for the duration. If you need external stimulus from a museum or other activity, then your friends are not a good enough fit to hold your attention in their own right, and are merely companions with whom to share external experiences. Nothing wrong with that, but its a shame not to have the other kind too.

You sound incredibly angry and bitter. I can see why you receive so few invites. I’m shocked at your comment you’d maybe not regret it if your own husband died. What a horrible thing to say.

are you actually a happy person? I note you’ve children and it’s important your issues are not projected onto them.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not enjoying socialising. I find it exhausting and stressful, especially events where I have to make small talk with people I don’t know. I do it when I have to, but if take me a day or two to recover. If I don’t have to go to something I usually decline but I do go to important events like weddings etc.

You’ll probably find that the invitations decline over time. People will come to realise you’re not likely to accept so will stop inviting you.

i'd probably regret it if my dh died tomorrow but then I might not. I like being at home or walking on my own

you have no empathy for your own kids if their father died, it’s purely about you? And total contempt for others from your comments.