Anyone else decline every invitation?

[abandonedmadem]

I hate weddings, I don't like socialising in large groups and I don't drive so there is a financial aspect.
My own wedding only had 2 witnesses (I would have had less) and no party. I don't enjoy it. I either make up a fake reason if I don't know them well enough or if I know the person well enough, they know I don't do that stuff.

I was guilted into a baby shower once and what's the point? Ill get a gift if that's what it's all about but I hate parties. I don't drink either which is probably a good reason. Everyone gets drunk and I'm just bored and tired and upset that I'm not sat in my house having a nice relaxing time.

I take my kids to parties but I hate every second and at least I know if I arrive at 2pm I will definitely be leaving at 4pm and nobodies going to try to make me drink or stay.

I know I sound like a dickhead and I am I don't even like seeing all my brothers and sisters and parents at christmas as its just too much for me. Sensory overload I think. Really takes it out of me.

The problem is nobody understands and thinks I don't like them or its rude but surely declining an invitation isn't really rude? I mean I wouldn't invite Sally to my bookclub because I know Sally doesn't read, so don't invite me to your party because you know I don't do parties!

Am I the only one? I feel like I was created wrong, like I'm an alien species sometimes.

I can relate I'm happiest when I'm alone.
I think extroverts particularly find it difficult to conceive of not enjoying company and that's why they keep trying to bring you around to their way of doing things.

I used to go to everything l got invited to but am much more selective now ....usually wonder how much l will be missed if l don't go and decide from there!

Considering she said

I take my kids to parties but I hate every second and at least I know if I arrive at 2pm I will definitely be leaving at 4pm and nobodies going to try to make me drink or stay.

I think her children will be all right. If she was as angry and bitter as you assume she is, she wouldn’t be taking them at all or even be staying there for two hours.

I love get togethers with my friends, attending theatres, gigs, informal gatherings, etc. Some of these are regular events: we usually have an informal, laid-back house party with friends on New Year's Eve, and have a few weekend get-togethers with various friends. A big meal out, day at the races, etc, all great.

It's those large formal/semi-formal parties - the sort with a disco boom-box in the corner and people doing a one-shoe shuffle around a dance floor - I cannot stand. If I have a good (or not so good) reason not to attend this format of wedding, I don't. Hen parties and baby showers are also not for me. Pure personal taste: not a matter of whether other people are doing it rightly or wrongly, whether you're introverted or extroverted, or (gods forbid) the perennial MN 'class' issue comes into the equation.

I have a smaller circle of people I'm close to and most are married (some divorced) by now, so the wedding invitations have definitely become more sparse these days. I'm in no way disappointed about this.

I’m the same
for years I had no filter and the wrong thing came out ,give me a drink and I can offend a whole roomful
I suddenly had this epiphany where I saw myself through everyone else’s eyes ,and I just stopped .stopped talking to people,stopped going to things with more than one person ,and if I couldn’t get out of something,I controlled myself so much I barely spoke .
it’s hard controlling myself so much in get togethers ,it’s hard checking everything you say before you say it …so I stopped going,I say no to every invite now .
But at least I’m not worrying about what I said anymore .

Seriously. You think that the kids will have no inkling how she feels, that it’s just about the fact she takes them?

you have no empathy for your own kids if their father died, it’s purely about you? And total contempt for others from your comments.

I often wonder why extremely introverted people have children. Part of being a parent is having to socialise more then is comfortable for an introvert.

@abandonedmadem There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for being introverted and not wanting to socialise.
Look at all the people in instagram and TikTok/YouTube who have made the jump to living in obscure, lonely places to be away from people.

I think you would find comfort seeing some of the videos from these types of people - and you would very quickly see that you’re not alone or weird or strange.
If you get chance check out Leena Henningsen’s YouTube channel
She and her partner have sought out a life away from the bustle of everything - it helps with her mental health and she finds peace to be in nature.
From the comments on her videos, you’ll also see just how many people are like this. 🤗

Yep, this.

You are certainly not the only one. But its tough when you like different kind of socialising than most of other poeple, isnt it.

Have you ever thought it’s not about you? It’s about sharing the joy that someone you consider a friend or relative is experiencing.

This is far too simplistic (and judgemental).

Pubs aren't neutral spaces - if you're easily overwhelmed and struggle with sensory overload, sitting in a pub can be very stressful. It's not the same as sitting on a park bench - in fact I imagine that lots of people who love pubs wouldn't want to sit on a park bench on a Sunday morning with a coffee - they're two totally different situations.

Being able to just sit somewhere and talk doesn't make you a better friend than someone who needs/wants something extra too.

@Summerpetal I've had the same life experience.
Zero filter when younger, didn't realise I wasn't humaning correctly and the experience of randomly pissing people off and causing offense was a common one.
Once I figured that out I was then so careful and vigilant with every word that came out of my mouth, which was exhausting. I'm sure I still came across as odd but now I was boring with it, although at least did nothing concrete anyone could take offense at.

So now I don't really bother at all. The thing is I like my own company, and like myself as I am when I can just be me.

Sitting in a pub is a neutral thing to do

Oh but it's not. It's often loud, crowded with people jostling you, conversation is difficult with so much background noise and then there's a smell of everyone's perfume and aftershave if you're not quite overwhelmed and miserable enough.
When a good percentage of the people are drunk it can then veer through extremely annoying to actually intimidating.

I’ve become more introverted with age. Plus, I made a big move before covid and haven’t really re-established a great social circle in my new location, and as time has gone on I’ve become less inclined to bother.

I do still go to some social occasions and gatherings, but sometimes I find I have to force myself to go, and would find it easier to decline and just be in my cosy world at home, but I do find if I push myself I enjoy it and am glad I’ve gone. Sounds like you don’t ever enjoy gatherings, which is fine, but it must be quite a small life. Do you ever think you’ll look back and regret things you’ve missed out on?

OP I feel the same as you but I am autistic.
I hate the you are boring/miserable connotations that come with it. I am not boring, just noisy pubs and clubs and events are not my thing.
I will go to weddings if it is very close family but I do not enjoy it.
I do not have friends and although I sometimes like the idea of friends I find trying to maintain friendships exhausting and got tired of always having to do what they wanted to do.

Im the same eloping next month refused to have baby shower. Petrified of two weddings coming up

I read OPs comment about her husband dying was about not having company not because she wouldn’t grieve her husband 🙄

I hate this expression OP but here goes......'sometimes you have to take one for the team.'

If you are declining in good time and not last minute, and don't expect people to come to events you set up, your approach is reasonable though I think you could be missing out.

I am very selective about work social events that I attend, you have to be someone who has been really important in my work for me to say yes. I do make sure I decline and wish the person who invited me a good evening in good time though.

The OP says the pub is 'boring' not stressful. My point is that the pub is a venue that can be the scene of a fun or boring time depending on the company. Just like you could be bored or enjoy a park bench depending on who you were sitting with. (I do know the two have differences though!)
In my opinion, it's good to have friends where their company suffices and who are satisfied with mine. And yes those are my better/preferred friends. Its not always possible to find endless activities to do and it's good to be able to simply enjoy another person's conversation.
If that makes me 'judgemental' well it's my time and my friendships, so I'm entitled to my preferences.

This sums it up for me too @JoonT ! You’ve put what I’ve always felt into words brilliantly.

You don't have to fit into what some people in society view as ordinary and normal.

Anyway I don't like socialising either. Family weddings are good - friends' weddings are ok if you know some of the guests as well as the couple. Anything else other than a lunch or coffee with a friend/group of friends/colleagues is too much. I used to do more but that was down to FOMO.

It's not miserable to be introverted ot have your preferences about socialising. It's miserable to not understand, or not care, that accepting people's invitations is about showing them they matter to you. Sometimes we all have to do stuff we don't enjoy much because others matter to us. I also think being/interacting with people is a skill (an important one) that we all need to 'practise' occasionally (as is being happy in one's own company for extroverts).

Hah. I remember the night that switch switched for me, and I'm going to tell you about it because I suspect there's going to be a lot of people going "OH! That! Me too!" reading this thread. And it's good for us to know we're not quite as abnormal as we thought.

I had an amazing job, which revolved around socialising at the company's expense. I was out nearly every night, lunchtimes too, and I loved it. Plenty of the people I socialised with were really great, interesting, and I made some good long-term friends. This was my life for decades. Then I went on holiday by myself - not that unusual for me - and I socialised plenty there too. Being 'peopley' with strangers in a foreign country's different, though: you can't let loose quite as much for safety reasons, and you have to work harder with language barriers. Nothing I hadn't done before; I felt just like me all the time.

The day after I flew back, there was a big party. Glamorous and fun. I walked into this nightclub packed with shiny people being lively, and just stood at the top of the stairs looking at it all. Some bloke stood beside me, made some normal remark - and I told him "I'm not sure I can face another room full of hungry egos". I hadn't even known I was thinking that, or anything like it! Bloke made a sympathetic comment about "party fatigue", we exchanged a bit of small talk, and then I went home.

After that I noticed I wasn't enjoying the job like I used to. I picked and chose a lot more, went home earlier, and eventually it all ground to a halt. Since then I've got more hermit-like with every passing year. I'm still chatty but I like to set the pace! I don't even like unexpected phone calls these days, my phone's on silent more often than not.

My spirit animal is the Very British Problems account 😂