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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else decline every invitation?

253 replies

abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 11:55

I hate weddings, I don't like socialising in large groups and I don't drive so there is a financial aspect.
My own wedding only had 2 witnesses (I would have had less) and no party. I don't enjoy it. I either make up a fake reason if I don't know them well enough or if I know the person well enough, they know I don't do that stuff.

I was guilted into a baby shower once and what's the point? Ill get a gift if that's what it's all about but I hate parties. I don't drink either which is probably a good reason. Everyone gets drunk and I'm just bored and tired and upset that I'm not sat in my house having a nice relaxing time.

I take my kids to parties but I hate every second and at least I know if I arrive at 2pm I will definitely be leaving at 4pm and nobodies going to try to make me drink or stay.

I know I sound like a dickhead and I am I don't even like seeing all my brothers and sisters and parents at christmas as its just too much for me. Sensory overload I think. Really takes it out of me.

The problem is nobody understands and thinks I don't like them or its rude but surely declining an invitation isn't really rude? I mean I wouldn't invite Sally to my bookclub because I know Sally doesn't read, so don't invite me to your party because you know I don't do parties!

Am I the only one? I feel like I was created wrong, like I'm an alien species sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 12:57

when I say I get loads of invitations I mean I got 3 in the last 5 years and that's too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 12:58

phoenixrosehere · 12/03/2023 12:48

She sounds like she doesn’t want to deal with big, noisy groups and prefers more one on one situations which does not make someone miserable.

I think it’s miserable to think there’s only one way people can be sociable and if you don’t abide by that, there is something wrong with you.

Show quote history

thanks phoenix you sound like a good friend.

OP posts:
GreenWheat · 12/03/2023 12:58

abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 12:57

when I say I get loads of invitations I mean I got 3 in the last 5 years and that's too much.

3 in five years is most definitely not loads!

Daffodilled · 12/03/2023 12:59

I don’t like big group socialising and enjoy solace. I also don’t drink.

My good friends and family know this about me. I tell others if I feel like I need to.

I don’t turn down EVERY invitation, though. I think that’s a bit rude and self absorbed. I would go to a wedding or baby shower if someone I care about, for example. It’s not all about me.

I might make my excuses and leave early if I find it stressful, but I would make the effort.

DinaofCloud9 · 12/03/2023 13:00

Hmm I think it's fine to prefer to stay in and not socialise but you don't sound very happy. It could be just me reading it incorrectly but you sound pretty bitter.

Original poster
abandonedmadem · 12/03/2023 13:00

I dont see these friends anymore for obvious reasons but it's just the blatant disregard for anything other than pub or club. Very boring to me but I wouldn't say it. (except on here anonymously)

OP posts:
TommytheSquirrell · 12/03/2023 13:01

I have a sibling very like you. Absolutely hates big gatherings, parties, weddings and any family get togethers of more than four people (difficult with a large family!). However there is absolutely nothing wrong with them and their great fun one one one or in a small group when they’re comfortable. They just find it overwhelming and awkward.

As a family we know this and just let them know when we are having a get together/event and let them know they can come or not come as they please. The make the effort to come to some things even if it’s just a short while.

I know some mutual friends find them odd and frustrating though. Although this annoys me as it’s hardly affecting them. Anyway long story short, there is nothing wrong with you. You just clearly know your boundaries and where you’re comfortable and that’s not large gatherings.

Thisisformathilda · 12/03/2023 13:02

I understand and can relate to you completely.

ItsCalledAConversation · 12/03/2023 13:02

Do you have any friends OP? How do you maintain friendships? Are they offended you never go to their parties etc? I can’t imagine I’d find it easy to have a friend like you.

girlfriend44 · 12/03/2023 13:03

No it's great to socialise and celebrate.

MissLucyLiu · 12/03/2023 13:03

Are you at an age where people all around you are having kids and getting married?

My entire yearly allocated holiday last year and this year has gone to hen do weddings and baby birthdays… it’s starting to be very expensive!!!

Willowcat77 · 12/03/2023 13:05

I'm just the same. I'm happiest when completely alone or with my cats. I try to avoid all social events with humans as they give me high anxiety. One of the only good things about the Covid Lockdown was that I had to cancel my wedding and just got married with my husband and 2 children. The only problem now is that my DH has a big family so I'm expected to join in their social events. We went to a wedding reception on Friday and the noise and crowds were so loud I had a panic attack and had to flee. I feel guilty because of my husband but I can't force myself to be sociable, it's impossible for me. DH family think I'm weird and feel sorry for him. I'm autistic and my children are exactly the same.

AlwaysWorriedAboutEverything · 12/03/2023 13:06

Haha are you my twin? I don't even have friends anymore because I don't want any, but I have enough acquaintances so I get invited to things every now and then. It winds me up because I never want to go, hardly ever do, and always declining makes me feel like I'm being difficult. I am mega introverted though and possibly ASD (half of my family are) so that's probably why. I'm kind of ok one on one but I still hardly ever want to see anyone.

I think you can be like this and not be miserable. I don't feel miserable or bitter at all, in fact I'm a bit of a happy happy joy joy type person but that's mostly when I'm alone or with my own family. 😁

HowdoIgetbacktothe80s · 12/03/2023 13:06

I’m exactly the same. I think I have always had adhd or asd as I find everything about social events, especially large, noisy ones, just an absolute insult on my senses and I am actually left drained afterwards.
I also hated taking my kids to parties when they were young and glad they are old enough to do their own thing now.
I put up with parties etc for years when I was younger as dh has a huge family so we often had so many invites during the year. I had arranged a huge wedding for dh and I just to accommodate his family but had a meltdown over it so cancelled the whole thing and ended up having a tiny wedding with just 10 people which was so much more enjoyable.
As I started getting older I started thinking ‘fuck it, if I don’t want to go to something that I don’t find enjoyable then I’m not going’ and now at nearly 50, I find that quite liberating. Several of dh family members have said they won’t bother invited me anymore as they know I will turn down the invite but that’s fine with me. I’m happy in very small groups etc.
I totally understand you op.

emptythelitterbox · 12/03/2023 13:08

Yes, I decline them all as I detest most events.
I detest most people and the peopling involved.

ohyouknowwhatshername · 12/03/2023 13:10

Well you sound great to me OP. Don't worry about anyone calling you miserable on here. I'm very similar to you, except I do say yes to the odd invitation, especially if it's during the day time, like meeting in a cafe or going for afternoon tea etc. I don't like drunks, so dislike going out to parties etc. I have a couple of very good friends who are much the same and we meet up for coffee and talk about books we've read etc. It's absolutely fine not to be the outgoing type.

Thekirit · 12/03/2023 13:12

Lots of people prefer their own company or small gatherings.
Going to the pub as a student was a completely stressful situation. All those people I don’t know. I would stress about it for days before.
I have a son who is the same.
It’s not unusual, you prefer small get togethers.
Its OK
The previous poster @BetterCare has put it a lot better than me, but they are quite right. This idea that we all enjoy jumping from person to person at a large wedding struggling to make small talk when all the time you just want to go home.

It’s ok to prefer your own company, embrace it and tell people how you feel.

Mothership4two · 12/03/2023 13:14

I don't like parties either OP. I have always felt like this. DH used the be more social than me but since Covid we have become much more insular. I think not drinking doesn't help - I don't drink much if at all. Being stone cold sober makes an evening drag. DH now also barely drinks.

My lovely DNiece is getting married in a few months and has asked me to her hen. Quite frankly I would happily give both a miss. Obviously won't do that.

Salverus · 12/03/2023 13:17

Just be aware that having no social connections in old age is a marker for dementia. Might be worth at least doing stuff outside the house with groups of people even if you can't manage a party.

chocolatepenny89 · 12/03/2023 13:17

I’m amazed you still get so many invitations.

TiddlySquats · 12/03/2023 13:21

I wonder if parties would still exist if alcohol hadn't been invented!

I've never liked parties, weddings, group activities in general. I don't have social anxiety, I just find them incredibly boring even when with people I love.

When I was younger I found that alcohol helped, people's conversation seemed more interesting and I felt more enthusiastic. But now in my 40's I can't drink at all as I go straight to the hangover stage without any of the good effects.

I still accept invites if it would cause offence to refuse, and manage to put on an act of enjoying myself for the duration but it's exhausting and usually takes me a few days to get over the tiredness.

HowdoIgetbacktothe80s · 12/03/2023 13:22

Salverus I know lots of very social people, including my own poor dm, who now have dementia. Loneliness rather than being less social can be a factor for dementia and overall happiness and contentment is more important for mental well-being. Feeling constantly stressed in situations which you are not comfortable with has a very detrimental affect on brain health too.

StaunchMomma · 12/03/2023 13:23

I hate all social interactions that aren't on a 1-1 basis too. The thought of a party or wedding is just 100% crappy to me. Definitely not something to look forward to.

I have sensory issues that are likely to be down to ASD. My DS has recently been diagnosed and the parental test has flagged this.

If this is genuinely who you are then don't allow anyone to make you feel bad for it. You do not have to be like everyone else!

FrostyFifi · 12/03/2023 13:24

OP you're me. Or my spirit animal or something. I don't have children so even less potential for enforced socialisation. I do have a DH but he works away for big chunks and I'm really happy in my own home and company. Outside is cold, windy, dirty, noisy, smells too much of people's overpowering perfume and full of irritating twats.

Like you I do love outdoorsy stuff though and DH and I go hiking and surfing.

I should probably say I have diagnosed ASD and wouldn't be remotely surprised if you had it too, not just due to the content of your posts but your deadpan delivery.

Oh and it's Star Trek btw, that's the best universe.

NoButSeriously · 12/03/2023 13:24

You're not alone at all. You also don't sound miserable, you sound like you don't enjoy socialising, lots and lots of people don't and prefer quiet evenings at home.

I've felt like this all my life, I didn't do clubbing or big nights outs in my younger years, hated parties as a kid but had to fake it or I'd get in trouble, if I had a big party coming up when younger then I'd spend the nights before hand dreading it, the noises, the expectation of carrying several conversations at once over loud music and trying to fake like I'm not massively struggling with wanting to bolt and then processing everything afterwards. I can't do eye contact and I fidget a lot and when Im trying really hard not to, it's even harder to fake fitting in.

Things like weddings it wasn't just the attending I found hard, but also prep so to speak, hair and make up which I never bith with day to dat, and choosing an appropriate outfit that would be rarely comfy so I'd be feeling all kind of uncomfortable being dressed up too.

I had adults in my life who called me miserable and all that did was make me feel even more abnormal and weird, my Dad would be constantly whispering in my ear at family things to stop fidgeting, to look at people in their eyes when they're talking to me, jabbing me in my ribs to stop fidgeting, to pay attention, to smile more because I was showing him up. I also don't drink and that seems to annoy the people who like what they call "a good drink" I've never understood why that seems to bother the heavier drinkers to the point they have to comment over and over and if I don't pretend to find it funny they'll use me not finding jokes about me being sober as evidence of me needing to get pissed like them.

I'm autistic and have adhd but I didn't know this until my 30s and it might explain why I'd be so overwhelmed sensory wise in group settings and busy noisy places and I wish I'd known when I was younger because I might not have spent so much of my life feeling like a worthless and stupid daughter, friend, mother and wife for struggling so much with stuff. It's taken to get to my 40s to realise I'm not alone and I'm not a miserable loser. I have friends now who also struggle with this type of stuff and it's brill. They'll never any baby invites to big things from them but even if they did, declining would never be perceived as rude. There's nothing wrong with you all, you might get some people telling you otherwise but you're very much not alone.