Anyone else decline every invitation?

[abandonedmadem]

I hate weddings, I don't like socialising in large groups and I don't drive so there is a financial aspect.
My own wedding only had 2 witnesses (I would have had less) and no party. I don't enjoy it. I either make up a fake reason if I don't know them well enough or if I know the person well enough, they know I don't do that stuff.

I was guilted into a baby shower once and what's the point? Ill get a gift if that's what it's all about but I hate parties. I don't drink either which is probably a good reason. Everyone gets drunk and I'm just bored and tired and upset that I'm not sat in my house having a nice relaxing time.

I take my kids to parties but I hate every second and at least I know if I arrive at 2pm I will definitely be leaving at 4pm and nobodies going to try to make me drink or stay.

I know I sound like a dickhead and I am I don't even like seeing all my brothers and sisters and parents at christmas as its just too much for me. Sensory overload I think. Really takes it out of me.

The problem is nobody understands and thinks I don't like them or its rude but surely declining an invitation isn't really rude? I mean I wouldn't invite Sally to my bookclub because I know Sally doesn't read, so don't invite me to your party because you know I don't do parties!

Am I the only one? I feel like I was created wrong, like I'm an alien species sometimes.

Sweet Jesus

covid definitely had an effect on me too I felt the need to play the charade before that but now I know I just couldn't go back.

I was quite sociable a few years ago but something switched too like you said and I not only stopped feeling excited but I actively hated it. The build up is the worst bit.

I feel the same way often. If you haven’t, maybe pursue the sensory overload you have identified, seems like a pointer? PP said they are on the spectrum. I have ADHD and quite anxious socially sometimes, Both those things came as a surprise to me as I am regarded as quite sociable and chilled out, but make a lot of sense now I know that’s what is going on. I definitely prefer 1:1 or small groups and avoid social events (I like dancing or a gig where you can concentrate on one big thing and a couple of people). It’s not wrong.
It’s easier to feel ok in saying no when you know why, might not even have to fake excuses.

This is interesting.
My dh is exactly like me but he does drink and he can decline 5 parties from Fred but he will then go to the pub with Fred and nothing is weird or awkward.
Whereas if I decline Sally's invite I'm like a freak.

I never realised before that he gets such a different kind of backlash. In fact he gets no backlash. sometimes j think he must be blaming me for not letting him go.

@abandonedmadem OP if you don't want to socialise with people, just don't. In your original post, you said you wonder why you receive invites, depending on who it is extending the invites it's likely just out of obligation. So respect that, and simply decline. No need for issue.

If it's a family member they'd likely feel obligated to invite you to, say, a wedding (even though it's likely they wouldn't want to given your feelings towards socialising), if they've invited other family members.

If it's friends- as other posters have said, that is a surprise. After a few flatly declined invites, I think most people would take the hint that you're just not interested and spend time with friends who value their company. I'd feel like such a burden, inviting someone who continually declines, that I would have to step away.

I feel exactly the same.
We eloped - it was bliss.
We have two weddings on the calendar for this year and I'm dreading both of them.
I went to one work Christmas party (huge company), and then no more after that - it was too much.
I find being around people draining.
I actually do agree with the above that it is seen as more acceptable in men than women - why is this?!

‘I'd probably regret it if my dh died tomorrow but then I might not.’ Is that a joke?

Yup I’d agree it’s more acceptable if you’re male. As a female : why would you? There’s something wrong with you, males often just get: it’s how he is, he’s a bit Mr Rochester etc, doesn’t usually detract from their perceived character. My family and DH are nearly all clever unsociable men and sometimes get credit for it!

No, you’re definitely not alone OP. You’re probably just an introvert. I am as well. So are lots of people (but, for some inexplicable reason, they feel ashamed of it).

I used to say I didn’t like people, but that’s not true. I like lots of individuals. One to one I find most people quite nice. But I loathe big groups. I hate the dramas, bitching, fall outs, make ups, needy egos, etc. Some people love it. They love all the gossip and drama. They need and crave it. I absolutely do not.

I’m also hyper-sensitive to what’s going on around me. It’s like my social antenna is way too finely tuned. I pick up on the tensions and hatreds simmering beneath the surface. When people interact, their ego and self-esteem is on the line, and they either feel belittled by other people’s achievements, or they use a social occasion to boast and big themselves up.

I always try and get out of things, and I’m always pleased when people cancel. I enjoy coffee with a friend, but parties, community BBQs, weekends away with the girls, etc, would be hell. The big upside to ageing is that you just stop caring. I know who I am now. I would much, much rather sit at home with a glass of wine and a Dickens or P G Wodehouse novel, or lay in the bath listening to Stephen Fry read Sherlock Holmes, than socialise. I no longer feel guilty or ashamed about that - and it’s bliss.

This! you Don't always know what to expect so can't plan properly (aka decline before hand)

And that's what confuses me. if you're inviting 500 people to a wedding why does it matter if I'm there? I am not there for you because you have 499 other people to talk to. All I will do is say hello and goodbye. you'll be busy!

or even a party with loads of work colleagues and hair dresser friends, book club fruend, gym friends, uni friends, school friends all mixed who don't know eachother, only the host. Why would I want to go to see one person I know talk to 20 people I don't know? It baffles me.
family parties I understand but random friends who dint know eachother? it's confusing how anyone would want to go.

This was my thought too. I'm not sociable, but I never get invited anywhere.

I used to say I didn’t like people, but that’s not true. I like lots of individuals. One to one I find most people quite nice. But I loathe big groups. I hate the dramas, bitching, fall outs, make ups, needy egos, etc. Some people love it. They love all the gossip and drama. They need and crave it. I absolutely do not.
I’m also hyper-sensitive to what’s going on around me. It’s like my social antenna is way too finely tuned. I pick up on the tensions and hatreds simmering beneath the surface. When people interact, their ego and self-esteem is on the line, and they either feel belittled by other people’s achievements, or they use a social occasion to boast and big themselves up.'

100% this

Yes totally that

Op you are not alone. I loved the Covid lockdown as it allowed me to get out of socialising in group settings. I enjoy spending my time alone walking the dogs, riding my horse, enjoying nature or cosying up at home.

I love spending time with my husband and my children or meeting friends one to one for walks, coffee or lunch. Husband and I regularly holiday and have weekends away together which I really enjoy.

I'm actively planning how to extract myself from the friendship groups I am part of as I no longer gain any joy from the superficial meetings of a group event and much prefer connecting on a more individual level.

We do have a lot of neurodiversity in our family so it could be that I'm predisposed to quieter and simpler socialising.

I am the same. But I am a classic introvert so prefer small gatherings to large parties. I can count on one hand the weddings I have been to and both hands for receptions etc I have declined. If I could just ignore Christmas I would.

But on the plus side if I do turn up to something at least they know I really want to be there.

exactly. I have invited people to come to a play or a museum or a walk or hike or bike ride and got 'are you crazy that sounds so boring' replies. Seriously. my friends laughed in my face for wanting to go to an exhibition (free!) at a museum easy for me to get to and they all went out there instead. I felt so fucking upset and I didn't end up going where I wanted to go, just a crap pub down the road feeling like an idiot.
no one felt bad for telling me my idea of fun was boring to them. I wish I'd had the confidence back then to go alone and enjoy it. I can't believe I spent money going to a rubbish Generic pub instead.

I will say though, I get a ridiculous amount of grief from DH for not enjoying the big family get-togethers - he belittles me and makes me feel like there's something wrong with me / like my character is damaged for not enjoying huge social gatherings ...

I admire you OP if you’re able to be honest with people (and yourself) about what you like and dislike socially. You do you, as they say.

Don’t worry I’m sure the invitations will soon stop.

She sounds like she doesn’t want to deal with big, noisy groups and prefers more one on one situations which does not make someone miserable.

I think it’s miserable to think there’s only one way people can be sociable and if you don’t abide by that, there is something wrong with you.

"It is not about being shy, it is about knowing how you decompress, and what you need to recharge your batteries. Extroverts need to be around people and being alone can tiring, they need to be social to recharge. Whereas for an extrovert it is the opposite."

OP's not an introvert though. She's not someone who needs to recharge after being around people. She doesn't like being around people at all.
I would identify as an introvert according to the above, but I actually like socialising in small bursts. People who don't like socialising at all would be something else (I'm hesitating to write misanthropes).

@afty you've hit the nail on the head. some people are so passive aggressive and the constant boasting. nobody cares about how much your car is worth dave. Leave it out. or when Gail goes to the bathroom and everyone has a snicker about her purple dress riding up too far. jesus, I know you're probably doing the same to me so why would I want to be there?

And I do get invited by some friends. mostly family and it is obligation. so why are they so upset when I say no if they only asked out of societal pressures?

I have invited people to come to a play or a museum or a walk or hike or bike ride and got 'are you crazy that sounds so boring' replies.

I enjoy those things too, OP and would definitely prefer that than sitting in a pub for hours.

Those people you call friends, aren’t really friends if they’re laughing in your face over things you enjoy.

I too am surprised you still receive such a flurry of invites if you never accept. Decline by all means, but keep an eye on a time when you might be grateful for some friends. The whole "I don't like socialising '" is fine until you find people have forgotten about you. I don't love big events but my balance is that I go sometimes, arrive a bit later and am one of the first to leave. If I am not going, I always send a message on the day to wish them a happy event.

That's upsetting.
my dh has loads more friends than me but he is way less sociable. He needs space on his own when he's at home away from me and the kids.

I don't think your dh should be making you feel like you're wrong. It's like a star wars fan fighting with a lord of the rings fan over who's the best fictional empire. (it's lotr btw)