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Original poster

To wonder how big families have time for their DC?

206 replies

changethenarm · 10/03/2023 14:49

I have a DS, and a DD.

I run a tight ship. DS does 1 activity and DD does 2.

But even without that, it isn't easy to fit in 1-1 time with them, and giving them my attention equally is a juggle but doable

I love kids but having a 3rd would negatively impact the attention and time I have to meet my current childrens needs properly

How do people do it with 4+ kids?!

Seriously. How? Surely other DC must be missing out?

OP posts:
Original poster
changethenarm · 10/03/2023 14:51

Forgot to add, it's not suppose to be a bitch post Blush I genuinely am baffled

OP posts:
Trustfallbaby · 10/03/2023 14:54

I'm curious too.
I struggle with having two and 1-1 time, around school, parties & activities etc as well.

SeaToSki · 10/03/2023 14:54

Well dc also get time with each other one on one which is also very good for them

You get good about doing one on one time with each dc while also doing jobs, so getting one to help folding laundry with you while talking about school, another can help cook dinner while talking about friends etc

Weekends are usually focussed family time at home rather than out and about ‘doing things’

MiddleParking · 10/03/2023 14:56

In the same way your attention span and capacity for love expanded for your second, I expect. I am a third child and my parents gave us all endless time and attention. If anyone had to get less of it at any point it was themselves, not us.

Original poster
changethenarm · 10/03/2023 14:58

MiddleParking · 10/03/2023 14:56

In the same way your attention span and capacity for love expanded for your second, I expect. I am a third child and my parents gave us all endless time and attention. If anyone had to get less of it at any point it was themselves, not us.

I'm 1 of 4. Definitely felt like I had less quality time with my mum when the 4th was born. Just the way it was

She loved us unconditionally but it wasn't ideal

OP posts:
Original poster
changethenarm · 10/03/2023 14:58

Trustfallbaby · 10/03/2023 14:54

I'm curious too.
I struggle with having two and 1-1 time, around school, parties & activities etc as well.

Exactly this

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 10/03/2023 14:58

Well, actually, what I probably mean is my mum mostly got the least of her own time and attention. My dad is extremely selfless but he worked much more than she did.

Defaultsettings · 10/03/2023 14:59

There no way families with 4+ children can dedicate the same amount of time to their children as individuals as those with fewer children.

setfire · 10/03/2023 15:00

How much 1:1 time do you feel kids need? I don't think it's something that I particularly need to specifically make time for, it just happens throughout the day. Two kids will be engaged in something and the other might come and sit with me and have a chat or ask me to do something specific with them, but I don't block out specific times to spend with each child. Also I'm a sahm which I think helps, school finishes at 3 so it gives us the whole afternoon together so there are normally plenty of opportunities to spend time with each of them. At weekends either DH or I will often take one off to do something different for a few hours. But to be honest I don't consider 1:1 time to be this massive priority that has to be scheduled in regularly

Original poster
changethenarm · 10/03/2023 15:01

Defaultsettings · 10/03/2023 14:59

There no way families with 4+ children can dedicate the same amount of time to their children as individuals as those with fewer children.

That's what I think

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/03/2023 15:02

I was the eldest of 5, I loathed it, I was the third parent.

Notafanoflockdown · 10/03/2023 15:03

Basically they don't. Parents have lots of kids because they like the idea of a large family or are addicted to the baby stage. It isn't in the interest of the kids. The eldest in a 4+ family becomes a mini parent and the kids all have to help run the household.

EmmaDilemma5 · 10/03/2023 15:03

I guess what they lack in 1-1 care, they gain in family dynamics?

I was one of three and I like having two siblings and lots of nieces and nephews. We meet up regularly and it's always fun.

My BIL comes from a small family and their dynamics are a tad boring compared.

There's pros and cons.

PennyRa · 10/03/2023 15:04

Everyone has different limits. Some it will just be 1 others it will be 2 or 3, maybe 4. Go past your limit and kids start to become emotionally neglected, sometimes physically too. That might be spread over all the children or dumped on one unlucky child, often a middle one.

EmmaDilemma5 · 10/03/2023 15:05

Also - surely things aren't always equal.

A family of two kids doesn't always mean they get more attention. If both parents work full time they'll not get much 1-1 compared to kids where a parent is a SAHP and is around a lot of their younger years.

Some parents of 1 or 2 children will be hands off or parent negatively.

You can't just say "all kids of big families get less 1-1" as that won't be the case. It depends on a lot of factors. And 1-1 care is only one element of a good childhood.

Notafanoflockdown · 10/03/2023 15:06

SeaToSki · 10/03/2023 14:54

Well dc also get time with each other one on one which is also very good for them

You get good about doing one on one time with each dc while also doing jobs, so getting one to help folding laundry with you while talking about school, another can help cook dinner while talking about friends etc

Weekends are usually focussed family time at home rather than out and about ‘doing things’

That's not 1:1 time - if you're doing housework you're distracted. Also it sens the message that you can only get attention by doing jobs for mum. Making love conditional on service to others isn't good for development.

IncessantNameChanger · 10/03/2023 15:06

Bigger age gaps here. My dd does 7 clubs ( too many really) you just do it. Everyone has 1:1 time. Teenagers want less 1:1 and my 15 year old has always been happy just be silently glued to my side. He doesn't want quality conversation. He just wants to be near me. The eldest tends to want to talk when the rest of the kids are in bed, so I listen whether I'm tired or not at 1am. They just grow into the space available to them in the family. I however feel quite exhausted most of the time and my house is a tip. Can't be perfect at everything

Zippidydoda · 10/03/2023 15:06

Obviously the more children you have the harder it is to spend 121 time with each child and less focus on each individuals child’s needs. However I think people adapt to the families they have and there are benefits to small and large families.

Rather than the number of children, I think the age of the Children makes a difference too. I don’t understand how people can have 5 children under 6 and properly meet their needs. However more spread out I can see it’s more possible.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2023 15:07

For activities/ schlepping to parties, etc - carpooling.

1-1 time - easy.
We did chores together. Sorting and folding laundry, preparing dinner, setting the table, clearing up afterwards, loading the dishwasher, cleaning up the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher, mowing the lawn, raking leaves, hovering, polishing, grocery shopping, putting away groceries, tidying and cleaning their bedrooms. We watched TV and chatted about books we read, music we liked. When they were learning to drive, we had lots of white-knuckle good times in the car together.

Five DCs, with an average gap of just under three years.

They all learned to keep house, cook, do their own laundry too, obv. Killing two birds with one stone...

drpet49 · 10/03/2023 15:07

Defaultsettings · 10/03/2023 14:59

There no way families with 4+ children can dedicate the same amount of time to their children as individuals as those with fewer children.

Obviously 🙄

Defaultsettings · 10/03/2023 15:07

Everyone I know who has 4+ children ends using the older ones as carers in some way for the younger ones.

The parents all defend it as taking part in family life but I don’t see how a 12 year old reading a story or putting their baby brother to bed every night is beneficial for them.

Zippidydoda · 10/03/2023 15:09

Just to add one thing that I don’t like in SOME large families is when an older child is asked to do too much caring, because their parent needs help. Obviously as children get older they should help around the home, but I don’t think children should be doing large amounts of care for a younger sibling because their parent has chosen to keep having more children.

im not saying this happens in all large families, just a situation I see in one of my friends large family.

IncessantNameChanger · 10/03/2023 15:10

Defaultsettings · 10/03/2023 15:07

Everyone I know who has 4+ children ends using the older ones as carers in some way for the younger ones.

The parents all defend it as taking part in family life but I don’t see how a 12 year old reading a story or putting their baby brother to bed every night is beneficial for them.

I have never done this with my 4. If you think 3 young boys have maternal feelings for their siblings your very wrong

EmmaDilemma5 · 10/03/2023 15:12

Defaultsettings · 10/03/2023 15:07

Everyone I know who has 4+ children ends using the older ones as carers in some way for the younger ones.

The parents all defend it as taking part in family life but I don’t see how a 12 year old reading a story or putting their baby brother to bed every night is beneficial for them.

I'm struggling to see how it's detrimental or harmful though?

Defaultsettings · 10/03/2023 15:13

IncessantNameChanger · 10/03/2023 15:10

I have never done this with my 4. If you think 3 young boys have maternal feelings for their siblings your very wrong

Show quote history

I was writing from experience not like that in every case however you validate my point. You boys don’t have maternal feelings, and I suspect that some of the older children providing care don’t either