To wonder how big families have time for their DC?

[changethenarm]

I have a DS, and a DD.

I run a tight ship. DS does 1 activity and DD does 2.

But even without that, it isn't easy to fit in 1-1 time with them, and giving them my attention equally is a juggle but doable

I love kids but having a 3rd would negatively impact the attention and time I have to meet my current childrens needs properly

How do people do it with 4+ kids?!

Seriously. How? Surely other DC must be missing out?

I was one of 4, I have 5 dc and my siblings have 4.4 and 3 children.

Such a weird take! Folding your own laundry and helping to make your own dinner is "doing jobs for mum"? Is mum the family servant then? Doing chores is service to others?

I think we can see where all those kids who can do nothing for themselves at 18 come from...houses where mother thinks like the above!!

This thread is truly illuminating 😂😄

I am amazed by what I am reading. 4 kids doesn’t seem like many to me, but I’m seeing why I got a lot of comments when mine were little about ‘how do you cope’ etc. I have literally never ever struggled to give them time and attention. I just don’t get it!

There is 5 years between my eldest and youngest. I would happily have more, but my husband isn’t really up for it!

Came to say the same thing! Large families and homeschooling tend to attract many parents saying how it works great for their families, and many others who were the children of these families saying pretty clearly that in most cases, it didn't.

I am the eldest of 4 and this was not my experience at all.

I would say it is about the quality and nature of time rather than the very binary measurement of length of time.

I have x4 DC all very close in age. They have as much of my time as they need at whatever stage they need it. Sometimes we do things individually, sometimes as a group. The OP also assumes that other family interactions are not important. My DC love and get on with each other, supporting and looking out for one another. I don't worry that they don't have 'enough' of me because they know they can ask for help and support as and when they need it. Love is not finite.

I'm one of a very large family, The description of the children as a "pack" rings true to me.

Essentially we raised each other. Our parents had little to do with us beyond feeding and providing for us. Their style was best described as benign neglect, but in the context of the time and place it wasn't that unusual.

There are positives and negatives in this. The most obvious one is, when I came to have a child of my own, NOTHING came as a surprise to me. I have been a competent baby washer/nappy changer/bottle warmer since the age of 7. I knew how to wean and when the milestones were without needing to look it up. I knew all the tricks to managing to dress a wriggly toddler. We are all also fiercely independant. The great unwritten rule in the household was "You don't bother the parents".

Many of the downsides were financial. After school groups/clubs/spots were off the cards unless we transported to them and financed them ourselves. 1:1 time with parents was not something that really happened unless it was fitted into something else e.g. as a teenager I had a part time job in the same institution as my Dad. I would get a lift home with him and one of my favourite memories of him was that 20 minutes in the car. It's the only time I can remember having 1:1 time with him. This is not to say that my parents were uninvolved with us beyond the basics, but that of necessity this always had to be done in groups.

There has definitely been fallout from our upbringing. None of us has more than 3 children and we all had them relatively late in life. Most have one only. My Dad died a decade ago and I didn't really try hard to attend his funeral. It would have required a long flight and several days off work and I didn't feel the need. My mother is now nearing the end of her life and similarly, those of us who don't live in our home country are not exactly queuing up to take our turn to go home to see her. If I'm honest I'll be more upset when my MIL dies as I have a much closer relationship with her.

If you asked my Mum she would tell you she has a large and loving family. To an extent that is true, but I wonder if she realises how little we involve her in our lives. I speak to her once or twice a year as do many of my siblings.

All I can say is that I'm happy you feel you had the opposite of my experience.

Different expectations, like finances. Some people can raise a kid earning £20,000 happily a year, others wouldn't do it for less than £50,000. For my personal circumstances (by that I mean our jobs, my appetite for time alone and with DH as well as with the kids) 2 was my limit. I wouldn't have the time I'd want to give to another child, without sacrificing something else I prioritise.

Noone is talking about homeschooling...but on families, its the people complaining about one of many you are focusing on, and ignoring all the perfectly happy one of many posters.
You're biased.

Someone else said defensive...wouldn't you be defensive if someone said to you that you had too many children and were a neglectful parent who didn't meet their needs? I can't imagine you wouldn't be

Standards/expectations now are much higher now than the previous generation, and I think the standards on MN are higher than average. I unintentionally had 3 under 3 and when they were very young they mostly played together, and had to share my time. Eg at bedtime we'd all get into my bed together and they'd choose a book each. When baking, they'd all get a turn. We didn't start doing intentional 1 on 1 time until they were upper primary school, and then it would be a purposeful event and not a daily thing. They are all teens now and I still try to spend some individual time daily with them, even if it's just a few minutes chat in their bedroom. They've turned out OK I think.
My cousin had her first and only in her early 40s. Her DD is 6 now. Every time I see them I get shocked at how much attention her DD needs. It's funny that people used to pity me when mine were young but I always think having an only is a lot of work.

I have three, close together in age really. I'll be honest, I very very rarely get any significant 1:1 time with the oldest two at all. I do with the youngest because she's not at school yet, but I generally spend a lot of time with the older two when they are together.

We do read with them separately and they go to separate clubs and things, but I do think it's probably an issue. The thing is, they just want to be together - even at school they seek each other out at lunchtimes and break.

I'm not sure what the 'solution' is, unless you have significant family support or resources for childcare, but DH and I try to rotate a bit so I will do something with the oldest while he does something with the younger two and then he does something with the middle while the other two do something with me etc, but sometimes this approach is a bit detrimental to the idea of spending time as a family.

I agree actually. I think having multiple children can make you a bit lazy in some ways (not in the mental load/'having your hands full' ways obviously), but I rarely play with my children because they play with each other. I do activities with them of course, baking and crafts and all that, but I almost never do the kind of role play stuff that kids like.

I should add that I absolutely loved being 1 of 4, and still do now as an adult. We always got on so well as kids and still do. Life was never boring! And no we didn’t have much 121 time and I did crave it at times, but also times were different then (80’s). I don’t think my parents really thought much about it. I’m sure if they made time it’s perfectly possible with 4. But either way we were mostly all very happy! I always felt sorry for my friends with only one sibling as it seemed so quiet and dull 🤷‍♀️
Obviously 4 isn’t that big so maybe not what op is referring to.

I often try to have 1:1 time with my older 2 but they are best friends and want to do everything together!

Simply put, they don't. I'm one of 9 and pretty much had to fend for ourselves. It was horrible. I've always had a very distant relationship with my parents and would have loved a loving mother.

I am one of 4 and yes I did not feel I got the attention I needed or deserved growing up. My parents just did not have the emotional energy.

So are those of us who never had 1-1 time with our parents damaged in some way??

That’s funny because the reason I always used to want 3 (I have 2 and we’ve now decided to stop at 2) was because the families of 3 DC I knew growing up seemed the happiest.
I knew lots of very big families and 6,7 etc children seemed far too many. The DC did seem to resent it and often ended up as mini parents themselves. On the other hand, there was a lot of love and always someone to play with. 3 seemed to me a way of having the benefits of large family - happy, loud, always something going on, someone to talk to - without the downsides of a very large family.

YANBU. I was the oldest of three. It wasn’t too bad when we were young because my mum was a SAHP but she went back to work when we were all in school. I was the sensible oldest one so often left to get on with it while she sorted the younger ones out.

We got to do lots in the way of activities etc. but I missed out on having one to one quality time with either parent where they would talk to me properly and take an interest in what mattered to me as a person. I’m sure I would have had a closer relationship with my mum if I’d had that as a teenager.

Oh God I see it as the absolute biggest advantage! I hate role playing and I am just so glad that my DC can play together and I’m not needed for that anyway. All the rest of it I can do but not the role play.

The only child families I know are mostly split into two camps: ones where the parents can’t / won’t do role play and the child tends to grow up fairly serious - often going from football practice to violin to swimming to gymnastics all weekend long - and seems to have missed out on all the playing or the parents are brilliantly patient and spend hours and hours playing restaurants and superheroes and whatnot for years and years…

Having multiple children is harder in many ways (and I only have the 2) but I am grateful every day that my DC get to spend their weekends and holidays playing .. but not with me.

Well I and all of my siblings are, I can't speak for others of course.

Ive a good friend who was one of 8, and hated it. Yes the eldest were expected to muck in, but less so the boys (make of that what you will). There was no room for more individual hobbies (ie you couldn’t have 8 kids doing different things, it was either all football, all trampolining, not two doing gymnastics, two doing dance, one horse riding, one doing tennis etc). They also got next to no 1-1 time with their parents and never any alone time as they had 2/3 to a bedroom.

Loada rubbish!!!
I've got 4. Totally love my family, my dh and I love spend time as a family more than anything. If we had a choice as to what to do we'd chose family time. I love spending time with each child one on one and do it at least weekly if not more!
I've got friends with only one. They use grandparents as baby sitters and go out often twice a week. Also lots of pamper days with the girls etc. It suits them well and their dd is happy and well cared for.
But they soend the same amount of time with their child as I do.

I have one older sibling who lives a long way from me. I love him lots but we aren’t close at all, so I pretty much feel like an only child as an adult.
As a child, I had all the one to one time in the world with my parents and yes I enjoyed it. My older sibling had his turn before I came along I guess.

As an adult thought I am lonely as in no adult company that I could get from siblings. Once my parents pass away I’ll have nobody apart from one sibling who I never see. My relatives aren’t close to me and we all just get on with our own lives. A couple of close siblings would actually be lovely.

I have 4 children. I hope they have lots of family around them when they are adults instead of a nothingness when I die which is what I will be left with when I lose my parents.

My children are my life now, and I love the busy happy home we have. Maybe me having 4 children is because of the emptiness I felt from my later childhood? My parents split up when I was 11 and the feeling of a family was gone. I have no regrets about having 4 children- it’s a feeling of togetherness that I didn’t feel much as a child and I’m glad my children have it.
Anyone who disagrees with it can quite frankly get lost.