To wonder how big families have time for their DC?

[changethenarm]

I have a DS, and a DD.

I run a tight ship. DS does 1 activity and DD does 2.

But even without that, it isn't easy to fit in 1-1 time with them, and giving them my attention equally is a juggle but doable

I love kids but having a 3rd would negatively impact the attention and time I have to meet my current childrens needs properly

How do people do it with 4+ kids?!

Seriously. How? Surely other DC must be missing out?

Not true at all I’m afraid. Any parents of only children on here will tell you threads about only children are still full of stereotypes. They are challenged (as they are being here about larger families) but they persist. If you don’t have the standard 2.4 children you are judged.

I'm glad you feel better, no one's comments on here should make you feel like you're not doing good enough. You are enough and in the eyes of your children you are everything. Never forget that.

I can believe what I want to. Its true, everyone's circumstances are different. Some people don't bother with their children apart from basic caring for like feeding, clothing etc. You have a very strange view of the world, open your mind.

Well said 👏🏻

I think whatever you do; or don't do, you'll get criticised on here by some people. Healthy discussion is good but some people take it too far, maybe they're so unhappy in their own lives that they have to bring others down to feel better about themselves. I pity those people. I'm very happy with my life and choices, I don't judge anyone on the size of their family and make assumptions about their parenting or how much time and attention they give their children collectively or individually as it's none of my business. These days so many people spend too much time focusing on other people rather than living their lives, maybe social media has fuelled that.

Not true at all I’m afraid. Any parents of only children on here will tell you threads about only children are still full of stereotypes. They are challenged (as they are being here about larger families) but they persist. If you don’t have the standard 2.4 children you are judged

Indeed. Family size seems to be an acceptable stick to beat other mums with. “MY family is better than YOUR family because I have the ‘right’ amount of children to be a GOOD mum”.

I see posts all the time on here from mums of one or two who are struggling to keep on top of housework, or to eat healthily or to keep a healthy weight. In what world would it be acceptable for someone to start a thread calling them greedy, lazy or disorganised because I manage those things effortlessly with more than 2 kids? Having more children is undoubtedly more challenging. It takes great organisation, emotional and physical resilience and the will to put your children’s best interests at the heart of every decision. Not everyone can meet those challenges, but many do. Many parents of fewer children are unable to cope with more and that’s fine. But don’t judge everyone by your own standards.

It’s almost as if people cope with situations differently.

Yes they go to Beavers and cubs, horse riding, pony care days, swimming, gymnastics, make friends with other kids on holidays, etc.

They get to choose who they can socialize with and when,not forced socialization like at school/nursery setting.

I forgot they also like to visit grabdparents who live on the same street, go to the allotment with their dad/uncle and granddad.

It is a really bizarre opinion for some reason if you are home ed family your kids are locked in the house when reality is quite opposite, we are free to do what we like when we like, if the weather is nice on monday and we think of a place to visit we go for it, if weather is rubbish we do little more educational work at home to cover for the days when we are out and get back home knackered.

Some mums dont want “my” time, i love time spent with my kids, there is plenty of time for my time when they hit teens and have other interests than hanging around with mum and dad.

Ok. You just said they don’t go to school or nursery and you all ‘hang around’ each other all day.

It sounds like my idea of hell but if it works for you, great.

Do you work btw? My separate point unrelated to the thread (not aimed just at you) is that large families are terrible for the gender pay gap. It’s usually the women who stay at home looking after large families and that’s not good in my eyes.

If you have 2 kids, that is the perfect MN number. Literally any other number and you are fair game for criticism from somewhere.

I don't have a very large family so no personal skin in the game, but know a lot who do. One very basic factor is that it's much, much more normal for larger families to have a FT SAHP. Decades ago people would have been hand-wringing about smaller families with 2 working parents and how would they have enough time for the children. Now it's more usual to do that about larger families. As a society we just don't seem very imaginative or good at accepting people who do things differently from whatever the prevailing cultural norm of the moment happens to be.

(FWIW I grew up as one of those "ideal" 2 child households and was very lonely and frequently longed for more siblings. There is no perfect number or perfect family.)

It depends on your definition of quality time. I have 3 and would like a fourth. I work 2 days a week. Mine go to after school clubs rather than other clubs so there is no extra ferrying them about cutting into family time. They do go to swimming on a Sunday morning with their dad but it's a 30 minute walk from the house or less than 5 minutes in the car. I have their dinner cooked before I collect them from school unless it's something that you would eat straight out of the oven but even then all prep would be done beforehand. I listen to my older two read every night and read to the baby. I do 10 minutes of maths and English with both kids 3x a week sometimes more at the weekend. They have Arabic lessons twice a week for 20 minutes each and I sit with them whilst they have them. I have my chores done before they come home from school and cleaning after the evening meal is a quick wipe down of surfaces, brush the kitchen floor and using the dishwasher. Baby and I go to two groups a week and they are nearby the house. Dh does homework with one child and I do it with the other, we sometimes change it up so we both know how they are getting on. I worked a half day on Saturday then took the older two to the cinema giving my dh an afternoon with baby.

I don't micromanage every hour of my kid's days. They get bored and come up with things to do. I can start them off with an activity and they will carry on. When we spend time together I put my phone away and give them my attention.

We don't have any family support and have always worked things around each other. It helps that dh can work from home two days a week and goes in early. You have to have child friendly jobs when having multiple children unless you have great childcare or family support. Parents of multiple children also get really good at time management.

Okay, fair enough and nice to hear! In my experience you're the exception that proves the rule.

I'm still surprised at people considering they have a large family because they have three kids and are considering a fourth! Four kids is just barely getting into "large family" category.

Everything is relative, how do two full time working parents, both working long hours, have time for their kids

I fucking hated being an OC and my kids adore our family dynamic.

I did discuss the 1:1 kiddos get earlier but I thought I'd share my time with DP.

My favourite thing to do with my DP when my kids are in bed, (besides getting knocked up) especially summer, is set out the picnic blankets and cushions in our garden, make us a smorgasbord of our favourites, mocktail as we're not drinkers, and we just have a nice sunset.
We equally get up early and I bung us some pastries in the oven and fresh oj and coffee with sunrise. In the winter we have hot chocolate around the fire once kids are asleep.
We have partied, done gigs and festivals, eaten in some beautiful places, now we do things such as play games etc as our quality time, so we're not just binging Netflix.
I think relationships would be a bit boring if those efforts aren't made, regardless of family size.
We love cooking for each other also, so once a week one of us does something fancy, or if we're being lazy, it's a Thai and film. When kids are in school we do lunch and mooching around places like markets etc, both love a good second hand bookshop and record store.
We aren't glamorous or exciting, but we're happy.

I'm still surprised at people considering they have a large family because they have three kids and are considering a fourth! Four kids is just barely getting into "large family" category.

4 is double of 2, that's enormous to me!!

Me too. 3-4, especially spaced out it is easy to see how people manage that (though I wouldn’t ). 6/7/8+ kids is what I count as BIG families.

all relative though I suppose isn’t it. My mum was 1 of 10 and most my aunts/uncles had at least 4. Someone from a family where everyone has 2 kids probably 4 seems big.

I'm still waiting for someone to explain how it is that, if someone can't possibly be a good parent to four or more kids, because there isn't enough time for quality attention, how it is that SAHP aren't automatically better parents than working ones?

Because if you are adamant about one, you have to be adamant about the other. Strangely, no-one will come out and say that.

I wonder why?

Oh man, get your hard hat on.

@FatimaHatima it's a fair comment, but not as simple as that I don't think, SAHP (in my opinion at least) has most of its benefits for a short period of time pre school. I think it's the pre-teen/teen years where parents underestimate the value of parental time (be that spending time together or just needing to ferry them around!) and considering the amount of time kids spend in school I think that is manageable in a working household, but gets harder the more kids you have (and absolutely by correlation the more hours worked, can't deny that) My personal threshold for my own circumstances is 2 kids, I could see 3 being manageable if I worked a bit less, but even as a SAHP I really don't see how I could feasibly spend the time I spend with my 2 kids now if I had 4 kids, there are only so many hours outside of school (unless you homeschool like one of the PPs!)

Ok that's a swerve that completely ignores the important early years, but say I work part time and have lots and lots of free time for my 4 kids, and you work full time and look after an aging parent as well, and have 2. And you're a single parent but I have an involved spouse.

My 4 would have much much more parental time than your two would have, wouldn't they? But I would never dream of telling you that you must be neglecting your children, as so many here have blithely done to those who have more children.

It's not a time divided by children equation. It's idiotic to suggest it is.

It's not a time divided by children equation. It's idiotic to suggest it is.

I said that earlier and got a charming message that I was “blatantly” delirious.

I’m a SAHP. DH works two weeks on two weeks off. We also have good family support.

our 6 (though 3 are at Uni now) get/got far more time than 2 I know with both parents working two jobs and little support (both parents wfh while juggling childcare as well as working out of home).

Its not about being better, we just simply have more time than they do despite four more children.

conversely my DN has a SAHP and a parent who does two-on-two-off so he gets more time than any other child I know.

@TheBigWangTheory if you read my post again you will see I was talking about myself I did not compare myself to other 4 children families and I literally said MY circumstances, I don't have an elderly parent and I work very flexibly meaning I am home nearly all the time my kids are at home, so even if I was to not work I could not feasibly give 4 kids the same amount of time as I give 2 now (once they are all at school) because they are out the house the same time I am, because I would be dividing the time at home by 4 not 2.

My point is just that I don't think the SAHP "benefit" automatically justifies a large number of children for the bulk of a child's childhood in terms of time per child, the pre school years are a 1/3 of a childhood and they don't even remember them! So it is a point and a fair one that was made, but I don't think it has that much weight behind it, and I very much agree it is circumstantial. I haven't put hard numbers on any other family but my own.

I do think there is an upper limit to how much attention is good for you. I was the first in my family and had two sets of doting grandparents for six whole years until thankfully my db came along and then my sister in short order and unshackled me from the constant gaze of expectation.