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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how big families have time for their DC?

206 replies

changethenarm · 10/03/2023 14:49

I have a DS, and a DD.

I run a tight ship. DS does 1 activity and DD does 2.

But even without that, it isn't easy to fit in 1-1 time with them, and giving them my attention equally is a juggle but doable

I love kids but having a 3rd would negatively impact the attention and time I have to meet my current childrens needs properly

How do people do it with 4+ kids?!

Seriously. How? Surely other DC must be missing out?

OP posts:
StormySam · 10/03/2023 15:16

My DM is one of 7 (a middle child). She always says that her parents didn't have much time for them and is now really against big families. She said the eldest one and the youngest got the most attention and the others just had to get on with it.

pastaandpesto · 10/03/2023 15:17

YANBU. Three DC here (teens/tweens) and the older they get the more aware I am that I'm not able to give each of them as much individual attention as I'd like. It would be very different with two.

Paturday · 10/03/2023 15:17

Sounds rather (very!) judgy OP! I hope you’re perfect hey!

We have 3 and 1:1 is what we really have to focus on. Everything else is pretty doable.

1:1 wise it will get harder as the baby grows up for sure.

We do 1:1 every evening, and in the holidays we try and do 1:1 days out. Eg half term I took DC1 to a museum and DH took him to go ape. I took DC2 to the theatre and DH took him to an art session. That was a particularly elaborate week though.
DC3 has 1:1 all week all the time while the bigger ones are at school.

It’s doable but it’s a focus for sure. We didn’t have 3 kids to be 1:1 all the time though. Loooooads of benefits and joy in having 2 siblings.

Notafanoflockdown · 10/03/2023 15:18

Paturday · 10/03/2023 15:17

Sounds rather (very!) judgy OP! I hope you’re perfect hey!

We have 3 and 1:1 is what we really have to focus on. Everything else is pretty doable.

1:1 wise it will get harder as the baby grows up for sure.

We do 1:1 every evening, and in the holidays we try and do 1:1 days out. Eg half term I took DC1 to a museum and DH took him to go ape. I took DC2 to the theatre and DH took him to an art session. That was a particularly elaborate week though.
DC3 has 1:1 all week all the time while the bigger ones are at school.

It’s doable but it’s a focus for sure. We didn’t have 3 kids to be 1:1 all the time though. Loooooads of benefits and joy in having 2 siblings.

What are the benefits and joy? All the 3s I know were either constantly fighting or 2 picked on the other one.

Moonshine82 · 10/03/2023 15:20

I have 3 and do feel I have to try extra hard to make sure everyone gets enough of my attention. I don’t think anyone misses out though. 4 yes would be hard. I’m 1 of 4 and definitely had a bit of a complex about being left out growing up!

UnattendedPotato · 10/03/2023 15:21

I'm 5/6 the age spread was 15 yrs I had no extracurriculars but the first four did, latchkey, self sufficient & regular chores by age 10. Lucky I'm very introverted and have two very individual hobbies and you could leave kids at home in those days & I spent a lot of my childhood in the back of the car with my books while Dad drove the others around between music lessons (they were gifted I wasn't).

Moonshine82 · 10/03/2023 15:22

Notafanoflockdown · 10/03/2023 15:18

What are the benefits and joy? All the 3s I know were either constantly fighting or 2 picked on the other one.

Show quote history

My 3 get on beautifully! They're like a little team and never get bored. Of course the odd fight but no more than when they were 2.

Paturday · 10/03/2023 15:23

Notafanoflockdown · 10/03/2023 15:18

What are the benefits and joy? All the 3s I know were either constantly fighting or 2 picked on the other one.

Show quote history

That’s sad. And it’s sad you can’t think of a benefit really.

FourTeaFallOut · 10/03/2023 15:23

This idea that children require quality of time over quantity of time is a swizz to tame the guilt of overworked parents. I think being available to your children in abundance and enjoying their company across the day in an undemanding way, while doing chores, cooking, over looking homework, watching the news etc is highly - and ideologically, under-valued.

funinthesun19 · 10/03/2023 15:24

Defaultsettings · 10/03/2023 15:07

Everyone I know who has 4+ children ends using the older ones as carers in some way for the younger ones.

The parents all defend it as taking part in family life but I don’t see how a 12 year old reading a story or putting their baby brother to bed every night is beneficial for them.

My eldest is 12 and I don’t have him looking after his younger siblings whatsoever, thanks.

Zippidydoda · 10/03/2023 15:24

is 3 children a big family? I though op was thinking more of 5/6+ children?

Pineapplestropical · 10/03/2023 15:25

I have 4 and i never expect my older one 12 to babysit or play with the youngest who is 3. The 8 and 9 year old love her to bits and want to play with her. However when they don't i definitely do not make them or expect them too. She's my baby my responsibility not theirs. Also i give my kids one to one time every day at bedtime. I take them out on thier own. Their dad takes them out one to one. They do 2 activities each. You can give ur kids time if u are super organised and conscious of the time they are each getting. As they get older they like thier own time too.

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/03/2023 15:26

I don’t think intentional 1:1 time with kids was much of a thing before the ‘90s. I’m not saying it’s not important, just that it’s a relatively new idea in parenting. I heard on a bbc sounds podcast recently that working mums now give their kids more intentional parenting time than non-working time in the ‘70s. So I guess,
for better or worse, there is less 1-1 parenting in those families unless the parents are extremely intentional about it.

IHeartGeneHunt · 10/03/2023 15:26

I'm the oldest of six, my mother liked babies, my father didn't particularly care and never did anything with any of us- after age 4 you were on your own. I was expected to look after everyone. I didn't have any maternal feelings at 9, when my second sister was born and the other one was left to me because mother was busy. I don't remember one to one time that wasn't me getting told off for something, ever. (And I would have a baby in my arms whilst I was being told off more often than not!)
I'm sticking with one.

Paturday · 10/03/2023 15:26

Zippidydoda · 10/03/2023 15:24

is 3 children a big family? I though op was thinking more of 5/6+ children?

OP says she’s not having a 3rd because she can’t do the 1:1 time.

Rtmhwales · 10/03/2023 15:27

I think it depends where your priorities lie really. My friend has 5, her DH is really on board with coparenting with her. She's a SAHM and doesn't use the oldest for childcare.

Some of the ones closer in age do activities together and then she and her DH tag team each having individual one to one time with another DC while say three are in gymnastics etc. They also make an effort to have a longer one to one session individually with their children over a 2 week period while the other watches the remaining 4.

The trade off is I don't know of any childfree time she has for herself. Her DH is actively involved and doesn't work intense hours. She home schools and spends a lot of time with her DC. It's exhausting for me to watch.

DH and I have 3 DC between us. So our current plan is each DC gets an evening a week solo time with their parent and one weekend day a month out of the 4 weekends to have a solo day. The Sundays are family days. Saturdays we take it in turn to watch the other 2. The fourth weekend we tend to alternate time out for ourselves as parents.

Zippidydoda · 10/03/2023 15:29

Paturday · 10/03/2023 15:26

OP says she’s not having a 3rd because she can’t do the 1:1 time.

Show quote history

Yea but then she said how do people do it with 4+.

It doesn’t really matter I suppose. Just my previous comments were made in relation to families who are LARGE, that’s all.

JennyDarlingRIP · 10/03/2023 15:30

DF was one of nine, I asked him this question he said they were essentially a pack (8 boys and a girl) and 121 time wasn't a thing in those days, dad worked, mum ran a tight ship, you just did as you were told 😂. Interestingly none of his siblings had more than two children and nor did he

OlympicProcrastinator · 10/03/2023 15:30

Basically they don't. Parents have lots of kids because they like the idea of a large family or are addicted to the baby stage. It isn't in the interest of the kids. The eldest in a 4+ family becomes a mini parent and the kids all have to help run the household

What a load of old shit. I have 4 and our life looks nothing like that. None of my eldest do any parenting whatsoever and I didn’t have my 4th because I was addicted to babies or because I wanted a large family.

I work full time and study. Yet I get one on one time with all my children. Every weekend I ensure I take out one or both of my older kids out to eat / shopping / cinema, just us. The younger two get lots of time after school doing homework, chatting about their day. They are in bed by 8 and I have time alone with my eldest. The weekends always consist of activities with the kids. The people that miss out are my husband and I as it’s us that have to grab a couple of hours Saturday night or take a day off work and book a day out as we are always doing stuff, often separately with the kids. Or my friendships. I have little time outside my family.

Life didn’t work out as planned but we are acutely aware of that and I make even more effort than I ever did with two to schedule one on on time. The stereotype of large feckless families, breeding away, neglecting their kids and forcing older children to parent is damaging and untrue.

fUNNYfACE36 · 10/03/2023 15:30

The younger children find their older siblings much more fun than their parents ! I can remember even at 6 weeks old the baby loving watching the older ones and screaming blue murder if you try to move them into another room.

MintJulia · 10/03/2023 15:32

I'm one of five. Simple really, they don't. Or at least my parents didn't.

We had outings as a family (usually free country walks ) and if anyone didn't like it, tough. We all did our own homework (or not) without support, got ourselves to school.

There was no time, money or interest for anything individual. My dm fed us but beyond that, there wasn't much. I was never quite sure why they bothered having children.

I have chosen to have one dc to whom I can give a loving and more supported childhood.

TheBigWangTheory · 10/03/2023 15:32

changethenarm · 10/03/2023 14:51

Forgot to add, it's not suppose to be a bitch post Blush I genuinely am baffled

Seriously. How? Surely other DC must be missing out?

And yet you just accused lots of us of consistently neglecting our children. Seems like a bitch post to me.

Upsidedownagain · 10/03/2023 15:32

As a child there were 3 of us. My mother did put emphasis on me as the oldest being the most responsible. I wouldn't say I had a lot of caring to do although she did get me to put my little sister to bed when we had a babysitter. But I liked doing that and she gave me extra pocket money.

The only possible downside was that I have always had the sense that I have to be self sufficient and responsible. It may just be my natural personality but I do remember suppressing my natural rebellion a bit as a teen because of it and when both my brother and sister had issues as late teens /young adults feeling that I needed to always be upbeat and on top of things so as not to burden my patents further. Having said that there were times I needed support and they were always there for me.

I think modern life expects rather more from parents than in my day. Children don't need constant 1 to 1, but bigger families can seem neglectful sometimes. My sibling has 4 children and they have had far fewer experiences, activities, holidays and outings than my two have. But that's partially due to the mother having been a SAHP most of their childhoods, whereas I've always worked, albeit part time.

TheBigWangTheory · 10/03/2023 15:34

Defaultsettings · 10/03/2023 15:07

Everyone I know who has 4+ children ends using the older ones as carers in some way for the younger ones.

The parents all defend it as taking part in family life but I don’t see how a 12 year old reading a story or putting their baby brother to bed every night is beneficial for them.

You're not thinking hard enough if you can't see it. It's really not that hard

Upsidedownagain · 10/03/2023 15:34

Not saying my sibling's kids have been neglected in any way, just that it isn't quite the life I have chosen for my children.