To wonder how big families have time for their DC?

[changethenarm]

I have a DS, and a DD.

I run a tight ship. DS does 1 activity and DD does 2.

But even without that, it isn't easy to fit in 1-1 time with them, and giving them my attention equally is a juggle but doable

I love kids but having a 3rd would negatively impact the attention and time I have to meet my current childrens needs properly

How do people do it with 4+ kids?!

Seriously. How? Surely other DC must be missing out?

As an only child I think there’s such a thing as too much 121 time with a parent.

I am also one of five and this was my experience. My older sister really suffered from having to parent us all from a young age. To be fair it was awful.

People saying they’re one of 4 and loved it, others saying they’re one of 4 and hated it. Others saying they were an only lonely, others saying they loved being an only.

Its almost as if all families and family set ups are different and thus get different outcomes 🤔

THIS

The idea that children need entertainment and outings or the parent is failing them is one that has crept into the culture insidiously. There's money involved of course.

Its almost as if all families and family set ups are different and thus get different outcomes 🤔

Oh now play fair, how will people affirm their life choices if not through the mechanism of disparaging everybody else's?

Yes I should imagine pretty stifling!

OP. I'll give you my oldest brother's advice on having 2 or three children.

When you have two there's either one hand or one parent for each. Once you have three, one will always go rogue.

Yes, interesting

Definitely this! And listening to children, talking to them about their interests, doing things you all enjoy regardless of age and ability.

Sorry this was in reply to this one!

100%! I am on the one child family threads a bit (have one DC myself) & this is the crux of it!

I have 2 children and I have never really made any effort to give them one to one time we always operated more as a team they are quite close in age and shared toys, bed time stories and after school activities.
They have always been close and now as young adults are still very close.
I would have liked more children but DH didn't.

So are those of us who never had 1-1 time with our parents damaged in some way??

You tell us lol. But seriously, it's not just about the children, I really value the 1 on 1 time with my children, I think it makes our relationships stronger.

Some very judgmental comments on this thread. Having lots of 1 on 1 time isn’t inherently better, some children and families thrive better in a busier environment.

Second of 5 here and I felt eternally overlooked and like a second parent. I remember the 5 of hs being referred to as me, eldest bro and the children.

We had lots of aunt's and uncles who sort of gave us all some kind of 1 to 1 time but as well as babysitting siblings along came cousins and the expectation of looking after them later on too. My extracurricular activities were part time jobs to contribute the household

I have 2.

I am from a large family and when I had just 2DCs it did make me think what hard work it must have been for my DPs. However, they were different times and different expectations. We didn't have organised play dates we just played out with our friends, we didn't have big birthday parties and endless emails about school events to so my DMs life admin was significantly less than mine is now. We spent far more time together as a family as life was slower and less stressful. We always ate together at mealtimes, we watched tv together, playing games and went to parks and days out and certainly felt secure, loved and cared for. Family life now is more stressful with so many expectations and distractions.

Very few say they're one of 4+ and loved it. On this thread - and others like it - you generally get one or at most two who liked it, and far far more who didn't. Then loads of parents of 4+ saying how it works fine for them... Wonder what their kids will be saying later on?

Some children thrive or would have at least without having too many siblings to look after or share limited resources with including time with parents.
Often, actually I dare say the majority of parents who choose to have large families are not doing it for the upmost benefit of the children they already have but for their own personal desires, which is inherently selfish.

I've read a lot of these types of threads, and people who grew up as one of 3 tend to be quite split in whether it was net positive or negative. On the other hand, I rarely see posts from people who grew up as one of 2 saying that they wished they had had another sibling.

I am one of six children, they don’t have time which is why my siblings and I all have one or two children.

I am all for discouraging people having a lot of children.

Having siblings creates fantastic play/hanging out/social time with each other as well as with parents. It also means that 1: time with one doesn't leave one child twiddling their thumbs! And being together as a family is fantastic time together for all of us - I love seeing my 4 going out together: loud, confident, funny, curious and huge hearts. 😎😃😍🙃

It isn't as black and white as having more kids means less time per child. Some people go back to work full time when their only child is 6 weeks old and barely see their child during the week. Some people will have 4 children and be a SAHM and spend all their time with their children.

My husband is an only child and he was miserable and lonely. I had 3 other sisters and I would have loved to have been an only child as we were so poor and all had to share a tiny room growing up and my parents were always out working.

We have a large family now, but we both work from home in a large six-bed house and we are much better off then I was as a child. The children get loads of 1:1 time as we are always here unlike my parents. We never need to use extra childcare and only use the free hours after 3 at nursery just to get them prepared for school. So it is much more nuanced than people are suggesting. There isn't a right or wrong number of children to have but personally I love having a large, vibrant house. I couldn't imagine just having one.

I'm one of 5. Eldest half sibling with 10 year gap between them and 2nd eldest, then 4 younger ones with 18m ish age gaps (youngest 2 are twins) and can't particularly remember having any of us having 1 on 1 time with either of my parents. My dad worked full time and my mum never worked while we were little (primary school age)
We did everything as a family or a few of us were lumped together to do activities, play dates, parties, days out etc. however I don't feel I ever missed out on anything. We are all still close now and spend a fair amount of time together.

I always knew I didn't want a big family but not for any particular reason, I wanted 2 or max 3 kids.
Once I'd had my first DC I knew financially and practically we could never manage more than 2 so have been very set on 2 kids then done.
However infertility has put a stop to that so we have 1 DC who is wonderful but almost feels like harder work than 2 as he needs such constant attention and time, with no one to play with.
So he gets unlimited 1 on 1 time

DH has always worked full time and I worked part time until DC was a bit older but have been full time again for a couple of years and it is hard enough to give him the time he deserves along with all the usual life and home admin. Thinking I need to drop to part time again!

I don't have full siblings; I have step and half siblings, and was one of either 3 or 4 growing up. Obviously the blended family dynamic is a bit different, but I was glad to acquire siblings.
However, for myself I only wanted 2 children and I'm lucky to have 2. I am definitely done. I agree with you OP, I feel stretched enough as it is, meeting the needs of both children (first priority), myself (next priority) and DH (last, sorry DH!)

I do wonder how people manage with more children, perhaps they have more support, children without additional needs, or just more patience than me!

Another one here with decent age gaps, currently pregnant with 4th, eldest will be 16 when baby arrives.

We have no childcare so DP and i take it in turns to have 1:1 time with various kids. DP and I are 50/50.

So my eldest will go out sometimes late with DP and they'll go the cinema or picking up too good to go bags and a drive and chat. As where I'll go with him his favourite restaurants or shopping.
Hes of an age where family days out bore him now, so the zoos or museums have no interest but he will at a push come the park for a kick around and picnic or beach and fish and chips. We do stick the younger 2 in their room for a last playtime at 7, after 7 eldest has us for any homework help or chats etc, we also watch an insane amount of come dine with me together, it's been our thing for years 😂

Middle 2 are super close in age and when eldest is with friends or has friends over DP and I will split them up, I'll go play centre he'll go cinema and we'll meet up after for lunch. But usually this is just so they have time alone with mum or dad, they usually moan and ask for one another, but it's important to us we treat them as individual as one of them is ASD and we don't want the other feeling he's a mini carer.

I do some baking with one, dp does crafts and we both read to them, they both do homework and it's usually fun activities on apps or reading so there's alone with mum or dad there as well.

When baby arrives there's 5 years between her and my youngest, so I'm hopeful we can find a rhythm to accommodate them all, because I've really never wanted any of the kids feeling they've been a parent to the children we've decided to have.

I will be honest also, we've discussed growing our family with the kids, they've all been discussed with how more children will change things, as we've had looked after children stay with us (we were foster carers also!) and we've discussed the ways our family may introduce other children, such as taking in a little lad we knew on an SGO, (he remained with birth family happily, we would have loved him in our brood, however we are happy he is now in a settled place with his relatives) or adoption, which we weren't successful with.

I am currently a carer for my asd son, so I am a sahp, without that, I'd not have had more children because of the time aspect.