To wonder how big families have time for their DC?

[changethenarm]

I have a DS, and a DD.

I run a tight ship. DS does 1 activity and DD does 2.

But even without that, it isn't easy to fit in 1-1 time with them, and giving them my attention equally is a juggle but doable

I love kids but having a 3rd would negatively impact the attention and time I have to meet my current childrens needs properly

How do people do it with 4+ kids?!

Seriously. How? Surely other DC must be missing out?

I'm meant to do 1to 1 time? Is this a thing? Never consciously done it, never heard of it! Work 50+ hours a week and kids do sports, lots of family time but never done 1 to 1! Am I bad?

It’s nowhere near as black and white as less kids = more time.

For example my closest friend and her husband have 2 kids. They both also have 2 jobs. They have no family support so play ships in the night.

I have 6. I don’t work at all. DH works two weeks on two off. So 8-8 for two weeks then off completely for two. we’re also very lucky to have lots of family support around us which means ours actually get far more 1-to-1 time.

Equally my BIL & his wife have one child. She’s a SAHP and he does two-on-two-off like DH. So DN gets loads of time, more than most children.

Different set ups work very differently. It’s not simply a number of children that impacts it.

I don’t normally comment on these threads, but I couldn’t believe some of the judgemental comments.

i have 4 children and I have 1-1’time with all my children every day! You make time! Yes things change but if one’s at a party or a club you make time for the other children.

I write little notes, letters to check in. Also family time is important. I was one of 3 and I don’t think I suffered!

i know people who have 2 children and they spend less 1-1 time with them then I do with them. Just because we have more then 2 doesn’t mean we are rubbish parents!

If you read these comments , people will say you are!

in the real world of course your not bad! You will do 1-1 time without even realising it!

4 children expecting 5th, all our kids are home educattws no nurseries or school,allows us to holiday whenever husbands works allows, we hang around each other all day minus some events where the husbands take the eldest kids cubs etc

*meant to write educated :)

I’m the opposite. I was one of 2. I have four. Being just two kids felt very lonely and when bad things happened like the death of an aunt or grandparent my sister and I would look at each other and know we only had each other. And that one day we might not even have each other. It was quite a desolate feeling really. I think that’s why both of us had four, but I had mine staggered and she had the bad idea to have twins. Twins is a bad idea, there are two of them and they can activate twin super powers and overpower you. Also, I believe they are telepathic and it doesn’t matter where you hide the nappy cream. They will find it. And paint each other with it.

It’s a hard one - could you reasonably fit 1 hour per week 1to1 for 4 kids, Probably, it’s logistically complicated though - where are the other 3 etc. If you’ve got a massive support system, nannies etc - yeah, probably easier to do so then too.

It’s the standard family, who work, need to employ childcare, plus run all things household and kids - then logistically 1to1 that’s really hard with more than 2 imo. I have 2 and can easily watch / entertain / feed 4 (cousins or friends etc) but I’m not doing their daily care / club runs / activities and 1to1’s too.
A mum friend of mine has 3 girls who all do the same music and dance class (15, 12 and 6) but these are on at the same place at the same time making logistics much easier.

I'm really fascinated by a lot of the responses. I'm the eldest of 4 (albeit a twin too) and definitely didn't feel we got equal 1 to 1 time. Me and my twin also did do a lot of looking after the younger sisters too. My mum did prioritise her time with her husband and didn't spend much time with us and certainly not individually. Shed also disagree with me and claim otherwise. This is not necessarily reflective of other households. Funny enough I'm a one and done parent.

I have a large family by modern standards 4dc from infant to secondary school age. I can see the OP's point in some ways as I have friends with large families where I do think individuality is lacking - dc are seen as groups. I don't parent like that, as many larger families don't. I hope we do make it work but I'm sure like all parents I make mistakes sometimes too.

To answer your question, here's how I do it.

1. Each dc has their own hobby or two that their sibling isn't part of. I have friends who have all 3/4/5 dc in same hobby and I've chosen not to go that route. Of course they all do swimming lessons but their main thing(s) is/are unique to them. It means when we are at a piano concert we are all there supporting 1 dc, cheering them on and celebrating them.
2. I knew I wanted a large family and had a slightly larger gap than I would have if I only had 2 dc. This means they need me differently and it isn't a contest in the same way I found it was with my dc who are closer in age.
3. Because of that larger gap I find it easier to do one to one or one to two. For example I took 2/4 to a museum recently, baby didn't come with us and teen slept in. Later that day teen and I sat together drinking coffee (they just discovered they love it) and chatting while baby napped, one dc was out and one dc was drawing an elaborate city of people.
4. I find it easiest to spend time with the eldest and youngest. Youngest due to feeding and the fact we are home together until I return to work while all other dc's are at school. Eldest due to later bedtime, similar interest in things and they've always very much been a family person. I have to be much more intentional about the middle two. One doesn't want a lot of one to one time, and is happiest having you listen to them when they want to chat, but most of their free time they want with a good book, lego or their cousin a very similar age. The other loves Mummy one to one time (dc 3) and I try to make sure we have 1/2 a day one to one at the weekend together as well as a good 30-60 minutes after the baby is in bed and before their bedtime.
5. Before dc 3 I really thought about what was important to me as a parent that I would want to continue and see as not negotiable even adding more children. Those are things I keep as key priorities.

How to do it all? Lists. For me it's knowing what needs doing when and sticking to that so that my 'free' time can be with dc. I make all our meals from scratch, am the only driver to do the ferrying to activities, have 2 dc with disabilities that require weekly therapies (physical, OT, feeding etc.). Once 4th came along I really noticed I couldn't do things I enjoy in the same way I could with 2 dc or 3 dc at a stretch. I really don't socialise, though I have good friends. I try to catch up with friends but it definitely had to change a bit now having a larger family.

I do far less parent & toddler groups now even tho I'm on leave and not back at work. Part of that is the extra demands on time of 4 dc and part of it due to our situation with disabilities that mean appointments. I find my days require me to be productive so that time when dc are with me I have time and space for them. I give each day a purpose and work hard to use my time wisely. I give myself one weekday to do something special with the baby, usually swimming and the library.

There are two things I definitely don't do as much as I did when I had 2 dc. First is volunteer at school (tho I still do, but I did much more when I only had 2 dc) and second is the frequency in which I their friends over. Having said that I think I did way more when dc 1 and dc 2 were little than most people I knew did when it came to having friends over. Never a weekend went by they didn't have at least 1 friend over. As for now, dc 4 is too young for friends over but with DC 3 part of the issue is our home just doesn't lend itself well for that now either, not enough space/type of space is too open plan. It is something I'm aware of and now baby is a bit older I'm giving myself a goal of setting up something every 2/3 weeks. In fairness, her 3 closest friends families rarely have friends over, maybe a couple times a year, so we still do more than they do, which I guess makes me feel a little better about it. Thinking about it, this year (2023) I've had friends of hers over who are twins, and 2/3 of her closest friends over once. Also took one to a trampolining place. So 4 times in 2.5 months. Not so bad, but again nothing like what I did when oldest 2 were that age.

I think you can parent a larger family well, but it's not a given. Just like having a baby in itself doesn't make you a great parent. All dc deserve a family life that isn't short changed, just like every child does. It's why even though logistically harder we continue with days out, family time, extra curriculars, one to one time daily, friend birthday parties (many large families cut these out completely), annual holidays (even if it's just camping) and even having friends over.

I completely agree.

Rubbish.

I had four children, I gave them all equal attention, and none of the older ones were expected to keep an eye on their younger siblings.

I stopped at four as I didn't feel my elder children were going to get enough attention from me. They're all grown up now and I've asked them how it was and they say they always knew I was there if I needed them for anything.

I had four in seven years and they all seem to have turned out ok ! They all did lots of activities - guides, scouts, football. My dd does still moan about all the saturdays she had to spend trailing around her older brothers matches, but then did football herself for years as well ! This was because I worked mostly weekends so dh had all four of them on his own some weekend days. My older ones never looked after the younger because there was only six years difference between eldest and youngest. They probably didn't get as much individual attention as they would have liked, but they all got help with homework , individual reading, had individual friends round for playdates etc. The early years were manic and I possibly was exhausted and depressed trying to juggle work ( I went back when dc4 was six months old doing nightshifts and weekends.) .
We also had good support from my parents - they would take the kids and give them individual time doing baking, painting, gardening- all the sorts of things that i shied away from knowing it would end in total chaos with four trying to all do it at the same time !!! The best possible thing is that my dh is very hands on, nothing really phased him, he has endless patience. Whilst I stressed, he was and still is the clam influence. I could not have done it without him.

How much 1-1 time is needed? I spend a lot of time with my kids but all together. I finish work in time to pick them up from school 3 days a week, and have all school holidays off. I also make sure they don't do loads of clubs as I value family time.
Most of friends have fewer kids than I do. But they work long hours and have them in clubs a lot, and put them to bed so early. They also have ipads at home. And have more family help than I do.
Even if I have more kids, I feel like we do more together. They don't all get lots of 1-1 time but I don't worry about it, maybe I should.

I have four
Eldest two are twins It was tough when they were young & I was a single parent.

Big gap
New partner
Then DS2 then DD2
DP & I are are team & the six of us are a close family. We do things together most weeks & DTs (18) are close to the other two (9&11). We'll miss them next year when they head off to Uni.

My three were all just mashed in together.1:1 wasn’t a thing back in the 90s . They are all very happy adults,love each other,successful and so I could go on !
Spending individual time wasn’t on our calendar it just naturally evolved according to which child needed more attention!

1:1 wasn’t a thing back in the 90s

I grew up in the 1990s and 1:1 was pretty important to my parents, especially as teens, I even remember having really special 1:1 time with my grandparents at different times, mostly my grandmother. They were your typical hands off 90s parents in most respects, but we had different things we did with different parents.

Yep.

My dm was one of seven. She had three kids, her siblings had two or none. My dm was a great mum and did her best to
spend quality time with all of us which is a far cry from her own upbringing. Her parents left the oldest to raise the youngest and they had to sacrifice their own childhood to do so which while perhaps a sign of the times, was very wrong.

There was a mum at the toddler group I used to attend with my eldest ds who bragged about having 4 under 4. She neglected and ignored every one except the current baby. It was honestly borderline cruel. She liked having babies but couldn’t be bothered to parent small children. She was adamant that her large family was fabulous but I don’t think her poor dc would agree.

It takes a very dedicated and devoted parent to adequately raise a large number of children. Most (not all, but definitely most) of those who have large families are simply not that parent.

I have more siblings than I do children. I still chose to have a bigger family.

I am the eldest of 6 and I was never parentified and always felt like my needs were met. It can work if parents are very selfless and dedicated.

I have 4 children. I am a SAHM. I know lots of parents at school with 2 children or 1 and they work til 6pm. Bed at 7. I always wonder the same - how do they manage to make time with their children?

In our house we definitely make the effort. Whether that be one on one going to an activity, cinema, for dinner, shopping once a week with each child. They are also on a rota to take turns sleeping at grandmas (one at a time) so they get the 1 on 1 also with grandma which they love. My eldest son regularly asks if I’ll have another baby as he wants lots of siblings. I am one of 4 and would have loved more siblings as my parents were also very hands on. I think it’s just that you have to make more effort to be organised with 3+ children. I have lots of friends with more children than I do and I think it does become more of a juggle, especially for working parents.

Thats unfair to say that everyone dosent, it dosent apply to every large family.

It makes a lot of difference if you were going to a nursery or a school, thats -8 hours every day already missed time with your family and parents.

My children are around myself and their dad 24/7, he works from home and i am sahm and they are home educated. I and husband dont go out socializing, we dont drink or smoke and spend all our spare funds on taking children to holidays, day trips
etc and we are always around if they want to talk about something.

My MIL had a large family too,even she was sahm, all her kids were in the nursery and school asap,on the weekends she had a social life covering fri,sat and sun-kids were literally left at home to babysit each other. No family is the same.

I have 7 children, my eldest is 20 and has never done any housework apart from cleaning their own room. They have also never picked up any of their younger siblings from school or babysat. I chose to have my children and I never wanted any of the older ones to feel like they had to take on any responsibilities just because of my choices. I make time for all my children, i've been a SAHM since having my first baby so I have time to keep the house immaculate and enjoy the children. We do lots of things as a family but also spend time separately. The older ones do their own thing often but we still do things together like go for walks, cinema, bowling, meals etc. I love having a big family and I spend more time with my children than most of my friends who work full time and then their children are often at grandparents or aunties houses at the weekend. I'm here for my children 24/7 and they benefit from that massively. The amount of children doesn't mean you have less time, you make time and prioritise things. Today i'm taking my youngest 2 out to soft play in the morning then in the afternoon i'm taking my daughter shopping for a prom dress. Later on my 2 eldest are going to the cinema with their Dad to watch a film they've been wanting to see. Life is busy sure, they are all given plenty of time and love though. I won't and don't feel guilty for having a big family, they have a great life and I never doubt that for a second. I come from a big family myself as does my DH, neither of us felt like we weren't given enough time or attention as children or we wouldn't have had a big family ourselves. It's easy to judge when you're not in that position and it's very closed minded to think a bigger family can't make time for their individual children. My children love having siblings to share life with, they always have someone to talk to or play with and the older ones will often go out together. I'm already expecting we'll have lots of grandchildren to enjoy at we get older, just like mine and DH parents have got.

When I said our kids are with us 24/7 I really meant it, while the kids have their own beds and rooms we cosleep as a family in two xking size beds. Its the kids choice :)

This is what I've gathered from the larger 4 kid families that I know. The kids tend to see to themselves or the older ones help out a lot. There is just no way to be giving so many kids good, quality time.