Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

[mercylews]

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

I had a friend who whilst chatting to be me about my Mother's newly diagnosed terminal illness, decided to tell me how much she loved a vase of hers and she would be taking it when DM died.

I hope you told her to go fuck herself!

I’m sorry for your loss. You must be devastated. This friendship clearly is not good for you and probably isn’t good for the other person either. I’d suggest you give yourself the space to grieve by backing away from this relationship. There will be other people to spend time with, who either are more on a similar financial footing or just have a bit more empathy and wouldn’t dream of making or thinking these kind of things whatever their personal circumstances.

What a shocking thing to write. I imagine that it's this sort of "thinking" that underlies OP's friend's behaviour.

OP, you should cut this so-called friend out of your life. As PP have said, it's not as if this wealth has suddenly appeared out of nowhere, so why has she suddenly started asking for it? It can only be because she thinks she has a better chance of getting her hands on it now that you are widowed and vulnerable. You don't owe her any politeness at all, cut cut cut.

Sorry to hear about your husband op. Nothing can take away the shock of an unexpected grief, like this.

Block and move on. She, or anyone else who pulls this rubbish, is not a friend.

This is absolutely outrageous OP. Your friend is shameless. I'd be seriously considering blocking her.

So sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how awful it must be.

Yes, it’s strange isn’t it? Almost like OP must be massively distracted, and maybe coping with something else like, you know, crippling grief.

Tbf, with the exception of our family, we are all able to choose who we surround ourselves with. If we are surrounded by lots of horrible people, then an element of that will be down to choices we've made along the line, or behaviours we've overlooked previously. Leopards rarely change their spots.

I think friend is a parasite. I find it very strange that people would mention your money and property etc. That thought wouldn't have even entered my head. I'm sorry for your loss.

I think the poster will be referring to friendship choices made prior to the bereavement.

My condolences on your loss. It will take time to grieve and adjust, but it sounds as if you have a very sensible head and won't be swayed by these unreasonable demands.

Shortly after my father died (unexpectedly and much too young) my mother was touched that a cousin of his who she barely knew called around 'to offer condolences'. My father and he were both farmers and he proceeded to tell my mother that he was willing to give her a fair price for a parcel of land for his grazing cattle. She said she was happy to sell him some land (neither me nor my siblings have gone into farming) and mentioned some fields that were actually next to his. He instead mentioned that he was thinking of a different parcel - the one that my mother knew was inside a development zone and only required planning permission to make it very valuable indeed. He kept saying how it was better land for grazing etc etc and more convenient access (it wasn't). Thankfully we all saw through his 'kind offer'.

I'm still staggered by the thought that this man wanted to rip off his cousin's recently widowed wife. Mum has gone now too and everything has been sold, including that parcel of land. We obtained planning permission on it and sold it separately for a very nice sum.

On the friendship thing - if a woman repeatedly enters relationships with abusive men, we'd encourage her to do the freedom programme, to understand how to identify/avoid those men, and protect herself better in future.

I don't see friendships as any different.

In hard times, you can come to realise that many of the people around you are actually worthless friends (I know I've experienced this, and I don't think its uncommon). Understanding what signs you overlooked previously, and how you ended up surrounding yourself with such people, is a step towards not repeating the mistake.

She's taking advantage of your vulnerability and grief. Ditch her, she's a parasite.

And I'm so so sorry for your loss.

I lost my dh last year too, I can confirm people are so inappropriate. When he was eol in hospital his mother asked me if I was going to sell the house straightway. Our niece only left me with her 5 mins and she managed to say something insensitive.

Until you’re a widow you cannot imagine how upsetting it is. You think you know but you don’t.

OP never speak to this person again. You don't need this shit.

So sorry for your loss. What a terrible 'friend' she is. I can't believe she has the nerve.

It really is none of her business but if anything a friend would be concerned that you were OK financially as you have dropped to one income instead of two.

I'm just lost for words at the crassness and insensitivity of these so called 'friends'.

Next time she tries the poor me, poor me script, just say, ‘you have no idea how lucky you are to have your DC, I’d rather be living in a squat if it meant I had DH back. I miss him so much.’ She needs shaming in to shutting up. If she carries on, just cut her out of your life.

Can you not dump her? She sounds awful. Some people are drains, and she sounds like one of them. Disengage and never make plans to see her again. Also stop replying to her messages and she’ll soon stop sending them.

I think you need a stock line for these people. Something like, "no, that won't be happening, and I don't want to talk about finances any more, yours or mine. I find it distressing to reduce John to a financial asset". Drop them if they refuse to accept your boundaries.

It must be so hard for you right now xx

I think you need to do lots of blocking, distancing and rebuilding.

Ooh remember how much I helped you... Well yes, good job you can't put a price in friendship eh?

Can you look at this business proposal (where I basically want your money).

Sorry, I don't have the mental capacity to take on new stuff since DH died

Ooh what will you do now you have so much freedom and money?
Try and survive the grief of losing DH

Ooh you're life must be so great!
What, because my DH died?

Literally cut it all off with a reminder that your husband died and you're in pain. Block the ones playing dumb.

Just don’t reply to her messages or tell her to improve her circumstances via retraining/uni/new job

not sure why if you are so accomplished in life you tolerate such nonsense tbh

She’s a horrible leech and you really don’t need this to deal with. If you can’t face telling her to back off then you may find it easier to write it down in a brief note. She seems to have the hide of a rhino so you could be straight with her.
People go very weird where money is concerned.
Just keep concentrating on yourself and your well being as you’re going through a horrendous time in your life.

Bloody hell. I’m so sorry for your loss and the insensitivity of your ‘friends’

Christ that is crass. I would never ask a grieving widow for money, or about what they are doing financially etc.