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Original poster

Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

382 replies

mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:13

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

OP posts:
Cantseethewindows · 10/03/2023 14:53

DuvetDownn · 10/03/2023 13:22

You need a new friend. The husband of a dear friend of mine died unexpectedly and she inherited about 3 million, I’d never dream of behaving like your friend. My friend never mentioned anyone coming to her for money.

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

I do wonder how people know how much someone has inherited?

And if it's from a spouse, then surely that money was already in the marriage? Or are we talking life insurance payouts?

Deathraystare · 10/03/2023 14:56

It is moments like these when you find out who your real friends are!!!

As hard as it might be I think you should drop these characters.

At the moment of course you are grieving. I am so sorry for your loss.

When you are feeling a bit better is when you can go out with real friends or just meet for a coffee etc. If all your friends have behaved like this then you will need to look out for new friends when you feel able.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/03/2023 14:57

I'm so sorry Op, people can be very thoughtless when you've lost someone, especially when you've inherited from the deceased. My DM passed away after several years of dementia and left me her house and someone actually said "Well you've got the house now" as if that was my plan all along/ or it should cheer me up. Your "Friend" needs blocking, she's a cheeky cow

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 10/03/2023 14:58

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband.

The CF needs to be either told to stop or block her. This is not a friend at all.

I have supported a dear friend who tragically lost her husband and the only time money was mentioned was when she asked me to accompany her to the bank to sort out finances (English was not her first language). I made sure everything was looked after for her and her children and advised her to not discuss finances with anyone.

The amount of people who tried to wheedle some money from her was awful. I was thankful I was there to help her and the kids and although she did get taken advantage of by someone, it certainly wasn't me. 18 years later we are still great friends although now live far apart from each other.

OP please take care of yourself, if you can get some grief counselling when you are ready it may help.

Pipsquiggle · 10/03/2023 14:58

Really sorry for your loss. It must be awful losing your DH so unexpectedly.

Can I ask your age and whether you have DC?

I think it's pertinent as you sound like you have an established career and lots of experience so I am thinking you are at least late 40s, maybe older; yet you have 'friends' who have DC in nursery and are looking for financial help.

I am assuming you don't have any DC, because, being brutal, you wouldn't be getting any of these money questions if you had. People would just assume, that even if you were vastly wealthy, all your money would be going to you, then your DC/GC.

SlightlyJaded · 10/03/2023 14:58

I'm sorry for your loss OP
And sorry that on top of that, you are having to navigate arsehole friends.

I agree with a few stock phrases to shut this sort of thing down immediately, and then distance yourself.

Phrases that you are comfortable with - @SleepingStandingUp has some good suggestions but also things like:

For fairly obvious approaches:

Sorry if I've misunderstood this, but are you angling for money because that's how it's coming across?

I would never mix money and friendship - my friendships are too precious to jeopardise.

For the people asking 'what are you going to do with the money?'

Spend it on the things I need and hope that one day, I will feel happy enough to want to spend some on things that give me pleasure. Why do you ask?

It's worth remembering that people this crass are usually pretty thick skinned, so you can be fairly blunt with them. And then just ghost and remove.

sonjadog · 10/03/2023 14:59

No-one, no matter how good a friend they are, deserves having a house bought for them.

picklemewalnuts · 10/03/2023 14:59

mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:13

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

That's so sad. Unfortunately with the empathy challenged, you have to really spell it out.

When she talks about anything nice- "oh I wish I could enjoy xyz, but I'm still so so sad, grieving is awful... "

You shouldn't have to, but some people are so self absorbed that if you don't play your violin for them, they don't notice. It's as though they are so loud they've forgotten other people have feelings, or that feelings only matter if they are expressed loudly.

I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

whattodo1975 · 10/03/2023 15:00

I'm am sorry for loss, it would seem though that people in your life are not so sorry.

The friend crying poverty is not a friend, block immediately.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/03/2023 15:01

Sittingonabench · 10/03/2023 13:30

My goodness that sounds horrible! I’m so sorry for your loss! The only time money and inheritance should be raised in such circumstances is to ensure the widow and any children are going to be ok. I don’t think I would want to be around someone like this even when not grieving!

Yes, I was going to write exactly this.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/03/2023 15:04

saraclara · 10/03/2023 13:37

I hear you.

My mum wasn't well off, but she did have some savings. At my dad's actual funeral wake some old friends of theirs (who'd moved away some years before and barely kept in contact) approached my mum for a loan for their business, and she loaned them somewhere between five and ten thousand pounds (she's too mortified to tell me the exact amount) that week. Which they have never paid back. It's twenty years later and my mum really could do with that money. I can't tell you how much I hate them still.

The irony is that when we drew up in the funeral car and I saw them waiting outside at the crem, I was really touched that they'd made the long journey to pay their respects. That moment in itself that they've robbed me of, I can't forgive.

It's crap. Please don't hesitate to tell these people exactly what you think of them.
I'm so sorry about your husband.

Oh my gosh, that is truly shocking and despicable behaviour. Parasitic. How can there be such nasty people walking round on this earth? I just don't understand it. I would hate them too.

Reinventinganna · 10/03/2023 15:05

She isn’t your friend. She’s a vulture.

Honestly, you have been through a lot and don’t need this type of ‘relationship’ in your life.

I’m sorry for your loss. Are you getting any support from anywhere?

Greenpolkadot · 10/03/2023 15:05

Im sorry that you are going through this.
This woman isnt a true friend,,shes a parasite.
All these comments and statements she utters must make you feel awful.
A true friend would be there for you through your berevement.

NiceHotCuppaCoffee · 10/03/2023 15:06

I am sorry for your loss.

Most people delude themselves that they are nice, when they aren't.

LeChatChat · 10/03/2023 15:07

I'm sorry for your loss. If you can't shake her (because you should - she's an insensitive parasite on the make) and she tells you your life must be so good, look her right in the eyes and say "X, my husband died."

Unfortunately this behaviour sadly isn't unusual. My DH's uncle died in an industrial accident in the 90s. As soon as his aunt had received his life insurance payout, one of her nephews was round asking for a loan. The sheer brass neck of some people is astouding - she wasn't well off and had two little boys to look after, yet part of the family expected she'd 'share' the money. Astounding.

Cantseethewindows · 10/03/2023 15:07

Fundays12 · 10/03/2023 13:56

Sorry for your loss OP. This woman is no friend and a taker. Please try get rid of her asap. You deserve better than that. She chose to have a child (said as a mum of 3) and is now facing the responsibility of that choice.

This, with bells on! Kids are expensive but it's a choice to have them. Don't pretend it's an expense that you have been lumbered with, you had a say in it. Disclaimer: I have two and won't be having a third, because I have no desire to AND don't want to stretch our finances further.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/03/2023 15:08

The thing is, I wouldn't put it past some of your so-called "friends", OP, to have got themselves a copy of the will. They are a matter of public record if it goes to probate and anyone can as for a copy as far as I know, for a small fee. I will bet my life that some of your "friends" have been gossiping amongst themselves and if wasn't already public knowledge the value of the estate that was left to you, I bet they'd do the dirty and pay for a copy of the will.

They'd know exactly how much was left. No wonder the vultures come out. It should be private really.

RosaBonheur · 10/03/2023 15:08

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

I have to say, I think this behaviour is appalling. Who does that?

When you are recently bereaved you want to feel supported by your friends; these people are making it clear they're only interested in your money. Clearly you need some new friends, but when you've just lost your husband you're probably not in the mood to be making new friends, and you'd like to be able to lean on the ones you've already got, or thought you had.

How horrible.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/03/2023 15:08

Why are you still calling her a friend? She's a leech, so do what you would with a leech. Pull her away from you and throw her away

(Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor, please don't take my advice on actual leeches)

Poorlittlepoorgirl · 10/03/2023 15:09

maybe Being a bit sensitive here? I talk or joke about being poor all the time and so do my friends and colleagues.. I think it bonds us all together a bit. Also How does she know all the details about how much you have though unless you are a bit flash and talk about it?

Skodacool · 10/03/2023 15:12

Poorlittlepoorgirl · 10/03/2023 15:09

maybe Being a bit sensitive here? I talk or joke about being poor all the time and so do my friends and colleagues.. I think it bonds us all together a bit. Also How does she know all the details about how much you have though unless you are a bit flash and talk about it?

Good God!

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 10/03/2023 15:14

Poorlittlepoorgirl · 10/03/2023 15:09

maybe Being a bit sensitive here? I talk or joke about being poor all the time and so do my friends and colleagues.. I think it bonds us all together a bit. Also How does she know all the details about how much you have though unless you are a bit flash and talk about it?

Ffs.

Pardon45 · 10/03/2023 15:15

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you should tell her that she is being rude and insensitive. Then remind her that her financial situation will change but no amount of money will easy your pain or bring back your husband. I would also be clear that you won't be giving any money to anyone. Maybe then she'll put her long hand away. Rude bitch.

SeasonFinale · 10/03/2023 15:15

GasPanic · 10/03/2023 13:33

I think it must be really hard if you are struggling and are friends with someone who appears to have everything.

If you are struggling financially then that probably really takes over your life. It's in your mind all the time, how to get the next bit of money to carry on going. And then when you see people who have everything it is hard and probably takes iron will not to make some comments about how hard up you are and maybe secretly hope that they will offer to help in some way.

Still, most of us manage to contain it and behave well around our much better off friends. Like you I would find it pretty crass if a supposed friend is always on about money and how hard up they are. Ultimately it is up to you how good a friend this person is, or has been in the past to you - cut them off, help them or continue in a relationship where you know that money is always going to be brought up in the conversation.

Personally if I had a good friend who had helped me a lot in the past and been there for me, and I was loaded then yes I would want to help them. Whether that would stretch to buying them a house would depend on how loaded I was, and how good a friend they had been.

iI doesn't sound like this person is worthy of help, or at least you feel this person is worthy based on the way you talk about them.

WTF

Reinventinganna · 10/03/2023 15:16

@Poorlittlepoorgirl if your friend had suddenly lost her husband would you be talking about finances?

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