Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

[mercylews]

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

A side comment, but I HATE people who expect credit for supporting you through grief, and I find people always overestimate how much support they’ve actually given. Expecting endless praise for dropping an occasional ‘how are you’ text is not on.

Sorry for your loss OP. This woman is no friend and a taker. Please try get rid of her asap. You deserve better than that. She chose to have a child (said as a mum of 3) and is now facing the responsibility of that choice.

You don't like her at all so stop spending your time with her.

I think you need to step back and assess how you failed to notice how low quality so many of your friends are.

I am sorry for your loss, you are still grieving and could do without friends like this.

I also have a friend ( well, she was until I put some distance from her) who kept asking me about my inheritance I will be getting soon from my mum. I am one of four children so the house, in a not very smart area of Manchester, and the remains of her savings after eye watering care home fees were paid for two years, will be split between us. This friend wanted to know how much I would be getting and what my plans were for it. At the same time she started hinting that she wanted to set up her own business as a beautician and needed someone to invest! I am not stupid and could see straight through her so over the past three months I have distanced myself from her and rarely see her nowadays.

I think you ought to do the same, I felt so much stronger once I’d done that and better able to cope with losing my mum.

I am truly shocked anyone has said anything to you. I am in the same position. I work because I have a career and I enjoy it but I have been left extremely comfortable in widowhood with no mortgage, a very large lump sum and an ability to maintain the same lifestyle as before including school fees, not one person has asked me or questioned me about it and I certainly wouldn’t share. Nobody knows what I’ve got and I’m very clear it’s not for anyone other than my children and maintaining their standard of living as my husband wanted

I’m sorry for your loss. The shock at losing someone suddenly is terrible.
I think you have to dump your so called friends, who are not true friends. Their attitude of discussing money and almost begging you to help, but seem to see it as their right? is awful.
And the old saying of don’t make major decisions for a year ( includes parting with money) is a very good one !

I'd block and massively distance. If you feel inclined you could always just tell her you are not interested in her friendship as it's clear as day she's looking for money rather than just being a friend.

@mercylews I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your husband. I cannot imagine the loneliness that can come with that.

It’s so sad that the ‘friends’ /people in your life are treating you this way and behaving so inappropriately. I can only think distancing yourself from them all whilst you make new friends who don’t know your background and want to be friends for that sake alone- could be the answer (if you’re keen to make new friends).

In your situation, I think I would feel like booking myself into a teeny cabin in the highlands for a few weeks and only popping to the local shop if I need to. Some time alone away from them all - time to grieve for yourself and to have some time in nature.

YANBU.

The only time I'd mention money in these circumstances is if I thought the bereaved person might need some help financially, not because I was angling for a handout. That is shocking.

Just wait. Before long, the husbands of every woman you know will oh-so -discreetly hit on you for a comfort-in-your-grief shag.

She's not your friend, so I'd have no qualms about ditching her.

A friend would not talk like to someone who had recently lost their spouse.

It's times like this when you discover who your real friends are.

100% this.

You need to surround yourself with better people than you have been doing.

These people sound nuts - "the money" was always yours anyway it's not like a distant great Uncle has passed and you're unexpectedly wealthy. It's truly a bizarre way they see this.

Not my experience at all. Why would they do that?

We have retired well, good final salary, state pension, rainy day fund, and in excess of £200,000 invested.

We never discuss figures and when DS jokingly intimated that technically we were millionaires (house included) we replied that has to keep us going for a long time and I saw a light bulb going on. He is allowed to tease us and he is only 21, just ignore anyone else.

She keeps talking about how great my life must be.

I am so sorry for your loss. These people are not your friends. Atrocious behaviour. I would tell them to cut it out, and/or cut them off. In my experience at times of crisis, you realise a small percentage of your friends were really friends. Hang onto those ones. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.

Oh wow, first of all I’m so sorry for your loss.

Second, anyone who asks you for money for investments etc is not a friend and please do not engage in conversations further.

I would message her
”Hi XX, I’m really upset and confused by your constant mentioning of financial related difficulties. I fear you see me as a solution to all your problems, I am not. I am grieving for the loss of my husband and I’m deeply upset that I keep feeling pressured to support financially. I want to be clear that this will never happen. Please don’t message me again”

find new friends you are worth so much more than this.

p.s you sound lovely and like you have head screwed on so I’m sure people would love to be your friend with no strings attached.

Because there is never one side only to a position and it is always helpful to try and see other peoples perspectives. That is the whole point of asking questions, to give different opinions and to try and get an understanding of situations by looking from different viewpoints.

We inherited £15k a while ago. The very next week, we had a request from a family member to “lend them £15k”. WTF. We used the money for our mortgage.

These people that pretend to be your friends are greedy parasites. I would consider not seeing them anymore.

People who are genuinely there for you, just are without expectation of anything in return because they care. This person is not a friend I'd say they're incredibly self absorbed and opportunistic. I'd drop them like a hot rock. It's awful but sometimes circumstances like this is when you find yourself reevaluating the people in your life and who you spend time with as they show their true colours. If someone acted like this and you genuinely really value their friendship then I agree with calling it out and telling them it makes you uncomfortable and you want it to stop, but if they aren't that close a friend to begin with I'd just stop bothering with them. It's maybe time to try and look at some ways to meet new people, possibly through hobbies you enjoy so you'll have things in common naturally. I'm so sorry for your loss and that people are being so cold.

@mercylews Condolences 💔 I can not imagine the grief you are navigating with the sudden and unexpected death of your partner. To have grifters trying to milk you must be adding to your despair. On reading your post, when the time is right, I would recommend making new friends. Never easy but in your instance much needed. Perhaps the more sincere and genuine of your friends are still in the background but are being shaded with the ‘friends’ clambering for your attention and any handouts. Look after yourself and don’t make any rash decisions. Look after yourself ❤️

Im sorry for your loss. Can only echo what others have said - get rid of these friends, sharpish.

That is awful op. I'm so sorry about your husband, and how your friends have behaved. I would dump those friends, join widowed and young, or way up, depending whether you are above or below 50, and make some new friends through there, with people who actually understand.

She keeps talking about how great my life must be.

Fucksake!

"Yeah, apart from the dead husband, I'm having an absolute ball. Gotta run, I'm off to the races, then have to squeeze in a tiara fitting, but thanks for thinking of me, byeee!"