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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To demand my seat on a train

219 replies

Pondere · 09/03/2023 14:46

This is one of those situations where I feel terrible and don’t know I was being unreasonable, but also think I wasn’t.

Have a train booked for a 4 hour journey. I deliberately booked a seat by the window and at a table. I was running late for the train so by the time I got on it was packed but went to my seat to find a man sitting there. He said it’s his seat but after telling me the seat number, he had at the aisle and I had the window.

He hesitated for a minute before slowly unplugging his laptop, etc then asked if I can seat in the aisle or do I want the window. I said the window.

He then asked if I’m ok. I was a little flustered from rushing for the train but wasn’t upset or anything so said I’m fine. He got up and I went in to my seat.

I booked a window seat because, well I like a window seat. I like being in the corner rather than having people constantly brush past my in the aisle. I also am more comfortable by the window than the aisle. But seeing as the aisle was free (ie his seat), I do feel bad that I made him move when I could have sat there.

YABU - you shouldn’t have made him move, a seat is a seat.

YANBU - you booked a specific seat and he should have easily accepted that.

OP posts:
Trinity65 · 10/03/2023 16:31

Awww OP don't sweat it and overthink it

YANBU at all here.

pisssinginthewind · 10/03/2023 17:20

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods I highly doubt the bloke who got on the train that day thought 'I'm going to actively try and deprive someone of their seat on the train, and I'm going to assume it's a woman, and do this, to a woman.'

The guy probably thought the seat wasn't booked. And chanced. OP came along and asked him to move. (Without saying please, basic manners). And moved. Stop reaching.

feedthepeony · 10/03/2023 17:23

Sarahcoggles · 10/03/2023 15:26

Did you say "please" OP? I hope you didn't! What a patronising twat. If I've ever chanced sitting in a reserved seat (because let's face it, it's worth a try, as often people don't bother to find their seats if the train isn't busy), and the owner of the seat turns up, I'm always very apologetic and move immediately.

But if a man came along and asked a woman to move, without saying please, (you can have basic manners, it doesn't cost anything to say 'please') and the woman was a chancer sitting in an empty seat, the man would be called a rude prick.

Barbecuebeans · 10/03/2023 18:34

Of course you shouldn't have to say please in that situation. You're not asking for a favour. He's not putting himself out for you. You were just stating what you booked and where you want to sit.

And basic manners would have been for the man to move as soon as it was established it was not his seat.

Barbecuebeans · 10/03/2023 18:35

feedthepeony · 10/03/2023 17:23

But if a man came along and asked a woman to move, without saying please, (you can have basic manners, it doesn't cost anything to say 'please') and the woman was a chancer sitting in an empty seat, the man would be called a rude prick.

Show quote history

No they wouldn't. People love to make things up to support their opinion. 🙄

Messyhair321 · 10/03/2023 18:39

No you anbu I've fought for my seat before on the train it really annoys me when people do this.

Moo49 · 10/03/2023 18:53

He’s a cheeky sod ! You’ve booked the seat it’s yours. This has happened to me - I made him move

Kteeb1 · 10/03/2023 19:00

YANBU for wanting the seat you booked. I have claustrophobia and have to have an aisle seat. I've had issues with that before. YABU worrying about it. Maybe he was being patronising maybe he wasn't, you'll never know, but you can be sure he isn't thinking about it now. Relax and enjoy your weekend and don't give it another thought.

Topsyturveymam · 10/03/2023 19:10

Would he have said to another man ‘are you ok?’ even if he looked flustered?
Highly unlikely!
It was said to make you feel small, a response to you being assertive. That’s why this ‘on the surface’ insignificant exchange has upset you. Don’t let him upset you … you got the seat you booked …good for you!

midmodmad · 10/03/2023 19:17

He also wouldn't have requested the word "please" from another man - arsehole...

BackOfTheMum5net · 10/03/2023 19:36

I bloody love a window seat and a table. Always book one. If he wanted one so much, he would have booked one too!

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 10/03/2023 19:42

pisssinginthewind · 10/03/2023 17:20

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods I highly doubt the bloke who got on the train that day thought 'I'm going to actively try and deprive someone of their seat on the train, and I'm going to assume it's a woman, and do this, to a woman.'

The guy probably thought the seat wasn't booked. And chanced. OP came along and asked him to move. (Without saying please, basic manners). And moved. Stop reaching.

His subsequent behaviour once the OP arrived shows also doesn’t deserve the pity of the handmaidens. Save it for someone who needs it.

VeronicaFranklin · 10/03/2023 20:26

You are not being unreasonable, you booked that seat for a reason and were right to ask him to move into his prebooked seat.

I had a similar experience when I travelled to Australia on my own, I'd booked an aisle seat as I didn't want to have to ask someone to move all the time if I wanted the toilet or just to walk around. When I boarded the plane a teenager (14/15) was sat in my seat so I politely asked her to move to her seat (window) and she said no and asked if I'd sit but the window but I stood my ground and she ended up getting the stewardess, her mum and dad (seated in the row in front) and everyone was asking me if I'd just sit in the window seat, she started crying and kicking off and everyone kept expecting me to move to accommodate her, but I simply said no. I said I prebooked an aisle because I want an aisle seat, I can stretch my legs out a bit, freedom of movement when I'm travelling on my own etc.

I suggested her mum or dad swap with her as one of them had an aisle seat! but they refused.

The teenager sulked the entire journey in her window seat and slept about 10 hours of the flight not even waking for food so imagine if I'd have given up my aisle seat, I wouldn't have been able to get out and move around at all!

Emmamoo89 · 10/03/2023 20:38

Yanbu

Barbecuebeans · 10/03/2023 21:01

VeronicaFranklin · 10/03/2023 20:26

You are not being unreasonable, you booked that seat for a reason and were right to ask him to move into his prebooked seat.

I had a similar experience when I travelled to Australia on my own, I'd booked an aisle seat as I didn't want to have to ask someone to move all the time if I wanted the toilet or just to walk around. When I boarded the plane a teenager (14/15) was sat in my seat so I politely asked her to move to her seat (window) and she said no and asked if I'd sit but the window but I stood my ground and she ended up getting the stewardess, her mum and dad (seated in the row in front) and everyone was asking me if I'd just sit in the window seat, she started crying and kicking off and everyone kept expecting me to move to accommodate her, but I simply said no. I said I prebooked an aisle because I want an aisle seat, I can stretch my legs out a bit, freedom of movement when I'm travelling on my own etc.

I suggested her mum or dad swap with her as one of them had an aisle seat! but they refused.

The teenager sulked the entire journey in her window seat and slept about 10 hours of the flight not even waking for food so imagine if I'd have given up my aisle seat, I wouldn't have been able to get out and move around at all!

Oh the nerve of it! Fancy the parents trying to pressurise you to give up your seat when they wouldn't. Just goes to show the level of entitlement!

Pinkfluff76 · 10/03/2023 21:13

Well done for sticking up for yourself. He’s the one who should feel bad for stealing your seat, he must’ve known he hadn’t booked a window. And what a condescending arse for saying please!

Lovely13 · 10/03/2023 23:31

To quote the unconscious bias twat, that is what he was doing. Patronising, sexist blah. Glad you got your seat. Next time, don’t even think about it. Just say, that’s my seat mate. Jog on!

ellyeth · 11/03/2023 00:05

I think he should have just moved. If you weren't concerned about having the window seat, you wouldn't have pointed it out to him that he was in your seat. Asking if you were all right was just a way of trying to make you feel you had been unreasonable. You hadn't. Forget it - and good for you for sticking to your guns.

GreenSunfish · 11/03/2023 05:31

Pondere · 09/03/2023 14:51

I also wonder if him asking me if I’m ok was because me being assertive and wanting my seat must mean there is something wrong with me, rather than me simply wanting the seat I reserved.

Didn’t you know that women are meant to budge up and accommodate mens wants politely!!

Companyofwolves · 11/03/2023 06:36

The are you okay? is BS.
He was trying to make you feel like you were being unreasonable. The same as “You ok hun?”
As if he was concerned/checking in with you! If he was concerned about you he would have complied with good grace - it’s a train & he was in your seat.
I would have (liked to but probably wouldn’t as am a chicken) “I will be when I get my seat thanks”.

CovidCath · 11/03/2023 08:58

This happened to me recently. I booked a seat and when I arrived some bloke was in it. I checked my ticket again then said to him quite gently, “oh I think you’re in my seat” and showed him my ticket. Tbf, sometimes the train operator double books seats, but that didn’t seem to be the case here. He just shrugged his shoulders and laughed. I found another seat, but when he got off he stood over me and smirked like he was very pleased with himself. I wasn’t going to give him anything and just put it down to him being an ignorant w*nker! I’ve seen a situation on the train where things got a bit out of hand with drunk people and I thought the guard had little power to do anything about it when there’s a large stretch between stations and the opportunity to chuck people off. It’s not worth getting into a stew over, but yes, OP, I do think people should get the seat they actually booked! It wouldn’t happen on an airplane would it?

Lesserspottedmama · 11/03/2023 09:09

You were not being unreasonable! I travelled by train with my three small D.C under six recently and it was completely last minute so we didn’t get seats all together - when I saw a table with four seats empty, we sat in that. I was very grateful we were left undisturbed but three of the seats said reserved and I was very aware that if we were asked to move then we would, and I would not have said or done anything to make the asker feel bad.

pollymere · 11/03/2023 10:45

He sounds like he made a genuine mistake and you came late and flustered onto a train. I'd ask if you were ok and whether you'd prefer the aisle too. I think any hostility is in your own head. He moved without fuss and asked if you were ok.

ChilledBeez · 11/03/2023 13:41

This is one of those were the answer is patently obvious.

threatmatrix · 11/03/2023 14:06

I don’t see the issue? It was your seat you asked him to move to the seat he booked and he politely moved. Why is it now a drama.