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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To demand my seat on a train

219 replies

Pondere · 09/03/2023 14:46

This is one of those situations where I feel terrible and don’t know I was being unreasonable, but also think I wasn’t.

Have a train booked for a 4 hour journey. I deliberately booked a seat by the window and at a table. I was running late for the train so by the time I got on it was packed but went to my seat to find a man sitting there. He said it’s his seat but after telling me the seat number, he had at the aisle and I had the window.

He hesitated for a minute before slowly unplugging his laptop, etc then asked if I can seat in the aisle or do I want the window. I said the window.

He then asked if I’m ok. I was a little flustered from rushing for the train but wasn’t upset or anything so said I’m fine. He got up and I went in to my seat.

I booked a window seat because, well I like a window seat. I like being in the corner rather than having people constantly brush past my in the aisle. I also am more comfortable by the window than the aisle. But seeing as the aisle was free (ie his seat), I do feel bad that I made him move when I could have sat there.

YABU - you shouldn’t have made him move, a seat is a seat.

YANBU - you booked a specific seat and he should have easily accepted that.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 10/03/2023 06:53

Don't feel terrible, this happens quite a lot. Chancers sitting in a better seat than they have booked, hoping you'll be too polite to tell them to move.

Was on a plane and as a family we arrived at our seats to find a family sat in them. I was polite but pointed out these were our assigned seats. They were like 'but we want to sit together', to which I replied 'so do we' bit they soon moved when they saw we were not going to give in.

fairycards · 10/03/2023 06:59

Good on you for speaking up and claiming your booked seat. A person who was not a bit of a dick would have simply apologised and swiftly moved.

itsjustnotok · 10/03/2023 07:17

Of course OP was within her rights to request her booked seat. What is really sad though are the number of MN who have labelled this bloke misogynistic, twat or arsehole based on a short description of an exchange they weren’t there to see. OP has explained she was flustered perhaps he realised he might have upset her? Not every man on the planet is a predator or a dick head. Now he could well have been a twat but I love the assumptions stated with such certainty about a man none of us knows. I feel for you the lads of today because they can’t do right for wrong.

Theroofisonfiyah · 10/03/2023 07:30

As the wife of a decent man and two gorgeous boys, I find it heartbreaking that a man can't ask if you're OK without being seen as a pig!!! Yes he was chancing his arm, you asked him to move, he did. The only thing he did that was 'off' was to ask if you're OK, yes it could be because he was trying to patronise you, or it could simply have been that you seemed flustered, or it could have been that he felt bad!!! He didnt sit there because he knew it was a woman's seat, it just as easily have been a man asking him to move.

This world makes me so sad

fairycards · 10/03/2023 07:47

He said it’s his seat but after telling me the seat number, he had at the aisle and I had the window.
He hesitated for a minute before slowly unplugging his laptop, etc then asked if I can seat in the aisle or do I want the window. I said the window.
He then asked if I’m ok. I was a little flustered from rushing for the train but wasn’t upset or anything so said I’m fine. He got up and I went in to my seat.

Seriously? You're sad for the man, who argued with the OP who had booked the seat. Hesitated. Slowly unplugged his laptop. Tried once more to keep his window seat (that OP had booked). Then asked if she was 'okay' because she was flustered... I don't think a nice man behaves that way.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 10/03/2023 07:50

I hate it that woman wind up feeling flustered and guilty for asking for what is rightfully theirs when it’s taken by a man.

RosaBonheur · 10/03/2023 08:22

Theroofisonfiyah · 10/03/2023 07:30

As the wife of a decent man and two gorgeous boys, I find it heartbreaking that a man can't ask if you're OK without being seen as a pig!!! Yes he was chancing his arm, you asked him to move, he did. The only thing he did that was 'off' was to ask if you're OK, yes it could be because he was trying to patronise you, or it could simply have been that you seemed flustered, or it could have been that he felt bad!!! He didnt sit there because he knew it was a woman's seat, it just as easily have been a man asking him to move.

This world makes me so sad

What's the betting that if a man had asked him to move, he'd have said, "Oh, sorry mate, I thought this one was mine" and moved immediately?

vitahelp · 10/03/2023 08:22

Well done for being assertive and getting what you paid for.
It depends on the tone when he asked if you were ok. If it was said in a sarcastic manner implying you're a bit bonkers then he was being an arse and trying to make it into a 'crazy woman' situation. If he was asking in a genuine way, then I've no idea, it seems an odd question if you were acting normal.

CallieJones · 10/03/2023 08:23

Theroofisonfiyah · 10/03/2023 07:30

As the wife of a decent man and two gorgeous boys, I find it heartbreaking that a man can't ask if you're OK without being seen as a pig!!! Yes he was chancing his arm, you asked him to move, he did. The only thing he did that was 'off' was to ask if you're OK, yes it could be because he was trying to patronise you, or it could simply have been that you seemed flustered, or it could have been that he felt bad!!! He didnt sit there because he knew it was a woman's seat, it just as easily have been a man asking him to move.

This world makes me so sad

OP was there to see the body language and hear the tone of voice and you were not. Her assessment of his intentions is more likely to be correct than yours. He didn't even apologise which I'm sure he would have done if he was genuinely concerned

UdoU · 10/03/2023 08:24

Theroofisonfiyah · 10/03/2023 07:30

As the wife of a decent man and two gorgeous boys, I find it heartbreaking that a man can't ask if you're OK without being seen as a pig!!! Yes he was chancing his arm, you asked him to move, he did. The only thing he did that was 'off' was to ask if you're OK, yes it could be because he was trying to patronise you, or it could simply have been that you seemed flustered, or it could have been that he felt bad!!! He didnt sit there because he knew it was a woman's seat, it just as easily have been a man asking him to move.

This world makes me so sad

‘Heartbreaking 😂 Hilarious.

Women are under attack from men or shortchanged by men and you’re heartbroken for men. 😂

pisssinginthewind · 10/03/2023 08:36

'"Hysterical" FFS. No wonder people use the word misogynist around you a lot. I can guarantee you don't call men hysterical'
@CallieJones

Erm.. no. They don't use 'misogynistic' around me a lot. It's just one of those buzzwords on Mumsnet that people are so desperate to say. And of course id call a man hysterical, if they were being hysterical of course. What an odd think to assume.

How could've this man assumed that he was sat in a woman's seat. For all he knew it could've been a vacant seat. Or a man who'd booked it. The OP then looked flustered and he asked if she was okay.
Yes he moved, with a bit of reluctance which is a bit shit of him, but to get so upset about it and flustered and to come and write about it on mumsnet is ridiculous.

Some women are overly hysterical on here when it comes to men and it just makes them look ridiculous.

pisssinginthewind · 10/03/2023 08:37

Almahart · 10/03/2023 06:47

The 'are you okay' is classic patronising male bullshit.

The lazy arse man I used to work with was always asking me the same 'are you okay, you seem really stressed?' No mate, I am just doing my job you sly fucker.

Men can't even ask a woman if she's okay now 😂😂😂

Jesus wept.

M340 · 10/03/2023 08:38

itsjustnotok · 10/03/2023 07:17

Of course OP was within her rights to request her booked seat. What is really sad though are the number of MN who have labelled this bloke misogynistic, twat or arsehole based on a short description of an exchange they weren’t there to see. OP has explained she was flustered perhaps he realised he might have upset her? Not every man on the planet is a predator or a dick head. Now he could well have been a twat but I love the assumptions stated with such certainty about a man none of us knows. I feel for you the lads of today because they can’t do right for wrong.

Totally agree.

pisssinginthewind · 10/03/2023 08:40

@UdoU

Under attack 😂 hilarious.

CallieJones · 10/03/2023 08:51

pisssinginthewind · 10/03/2023 08:36

'"Hysterical" FFS. No wonder people use the word misogynist around you a lot. I can guarantee you don't call men hysterical'
@CallieJones

Erm.. no. They don't use 'misogynistic' around me a lot. It's just one of those buzzwords on Mumsnet that people are so desperate to say. And of course id call a man hysterical, if they were being hysterical of course. What an odd think to assume.

How could've this man assumed that he was sat in a woman's seat. For all he knew it could've been a vacant seat. Or a man who'd booked it. The OP then looked flustered and he asked if she was okay.
Yes he moved, with a bit of reluctance which is a bit shit of him, but to get so upset about it and flustered and to come and write about it on mumsnet is ridiculous.

Some women are overly hysterical on here when it comes to men and it just makes them look ridiculous.

Of course you don't ever call men hysterical. It's one of the many insults that are used to shut women up if they point out men's bad behaviour. The worst thing about misogyny isn't women discussing it.

Swiftswatch · 10/03/2023 08:55

You don’t need to “demand” anything. You told him you had reserved the seat and he moved for you.
Literally a non issue.
There’s nothing wrong with sitting on a reserved seat if the person isn’t there, many times people reserve a seat but get another train or sit elsewhere.

pisssinginthewind · 10/03/2023 09:23

@CallieJones

Of course I don't call men hysterical? 😂 righty aye okay.

There are ways to call out mens shitty behaviour, without being hysterical, you know?

Original poster
Pondere · 10/03/2023 09:32

Thanks everyone. I’m completely over it now!

I just felt guilty that I caused a bit of a fuss over asking for my seat and not sitting in the aisle when it was empty. But as I say, I prefer the window so I deliberately booked that seat.

I don’t know what he was thinking when he asked if I’m ok but I am leaning towards him being patronising. I was only a little flustered - I rushed from the platform to the train so not exactly a sweaty mess. But one thing I forgot to mention (drip feed, I know….) which is why I think he was being difficult is that after I told him I want the window, he then said “please”. Presumably because I didn’t say “the window please” and only said “the window”. It was then he started to dither about and start moving his stuff before asking me I’m ok.

So he was clearly unhappy about me wanting my seat, and I ended up feeling really guilty for making him move when he offered a different option, but as Pp said, I’m not usually that assertive, hence my guilt!

OP posts:
Level7wannabee · 10/03/2023 10:23

Oh what an absolute prick!! Gawd - imagine being married to a dickhead like that. Imagine working with a dickhead like that. Shudder.

Thankfully you'll never see him again and if you ever do, you can just say "oh look, it's pleaseboy"

Grrr 😂 I'm pissed off on your behalf

maddiemookins16mum · 10/03/2023 13:41

itsjustnotok · 10/03/2023 07:17

Of course OP was within her rights to request her booked seat. What is really sad though are the number of MN who have labelled this bloke misogynistic, twat or arsehole based on a short description of an exchange they weren’t there to see. OP has explained she was flustered perhaps he realised he might have upset her? Not every man on the planet is a predator or a dick head. Now he could well have been a twat but I love the assumptions stated with such certainty about a man none of us knows. I feel for you the lads of today because they can’t do right for wrong.

Thank goodness for some common sense.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 10/03/2023 14:00

maddiemookins16mum · 10/03/2023 13:41

Thank goodness for some common sense.

Show quote history

😆 why are women wasting their time feeling sorry for men? Especially men who actively try to deprive a woman of something that is rightfully hers? Men don’t need your pity, they’re doing just fine on their own.

RosaBonheur · 10/03/2023 15:17

Pondere · 10/03/2023 09:32

Thanks everyone. I’m completely over it now!

I just felt guilty that I caused a bit of a fuss over asking for my seat and not sitting in the aisle when it was empty. But as I say, I prefer the window so I deliberately booked that seat.

I don’t know what he was thinking when he asked if I’m ok but I am leaning towards him being patronising. I was only a little flustered - I rushed from the platform to the train so not exactly a sweaty mess. But one thing I forgot to mention (drip feed, I know….) which is why I think he was being difficult is that after I told him I want the window, he then said “please”. Presumably because I didn’t say “the window please” and only said “the window”. It was then he started to dither about and start moving his stuff before asking me I’m ok.

So he was clearly unhappy about me wanting my seat, and I ended up feeling really guilty for making him move when he offered a different option, but as Pp said, I’m not usually that assertive, hence my guilt!

Ugh, he sounds dreadful. You don't have to say please to get someone to move out of your seat. You're not a three year old asking her mummy for sweets. He should have said "sorry for sitting in your seat", the insufferable twat.

RosaBonheur · 10/03/2023 15:19

I know we're all much more eloquent after the event, but the best reply to that would have been, "Why please? I'm not asking you for a favour. I'm asking you to move from my reserved seat."

Sarahcoggles · 10/03/2023 15:26

Did you say "please" OP? I hope you didn't! What a patronising twat. If I've ever chanced sitting in a reserved seat (because let's face it, it's worth a try, as often people don't bother to find their seats if the train isn't busy), and the owner of the seat turns up, I'm always very apologetic and move immediately.

UdoU · 10/03/2023 16:11

But one thing I forgot to mention (drip feed, I know….) which is why I think he was being difficult is that after I told him I want the window, he then said “please”. Presumably because I didn’t say “the window please” and only said “the window”.

Don't worry, OP, most of us could already tell he was a dickhead, but nice to have confirmation! Grin