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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To demand my seat on a train

219 replies

Pondere · 09/03/2023 14:46

This is one of those situations where I feel terrible and don’t know I was being unreasonable, but also think I wasn’t.

Have a train booked for a 4 hour journey. I deliberately booked a seat by the window and at a table. I was running late for the train so by the time I got on it was packed but went to my seat to find a man sitting there. He said it’s his seat but after telling me the seat number, he had at the aisle and I had the window.

He hesitated for a minute before slowly unplugging his laptop, etc then asked if I can seat in the aisle or do I want the window. I said the window.

He then asked if I’m ok. I was a little flustered from rushing for the train but wasn’t upset or anything so said I’m fine. He got up and I went in to my seat.

I booked a window seat because, well I like a window seat. I like being in the corner rather than having people constantly brush past my in the aisle. I also am more comfortable by the window than the aisle. But seeing as the aisle was free (ie his seat), I do feel bad that I made him move when I could have sat there.

YABU - you shouldn’t have made him move, a seat is a seat.

YANBU - you booked a specific seat and he should have easily accepted that.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 16:20

ProfessionalWeirdo · 09/03/2023 16:12

YANBU. I wonder if he would have tried it on if you'd been male?

? What an odd question. He didn't try it on with a flustered woman so I doubt he'd try it on with anyone 'unflusteted' or male. Probably wouldnt have tried it on with a Sikh or a uni student!

Original poster
Pondere · 09/03/2023 16:20

Jeez, I can see the usual lot are out!

It’s no drama - I never said it was. Not everything posted on AIBU is a drama…

I simply felt a little guilty and was wondering if I was unreasonable.

OP posts:
UdoU · 09/03/2023 16:21

Frabbits · 09/03/2023 16:13

It's not excusing men to say that people on this thread have NO idea if the man was being a dickhead or not.

Because you don't. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't but personally all the men (well, most of them) including my sonsin my life are actually nice people and I refuse to subscribe to the misandry which infects this forum at times.

Show quote history
  1. he lied and said it was said
  2. when that didn't work, he tried to fob OP off with the aisle seat
  3. when that didn't work he asked her 'are you ok?' to wrongfoot her

In short, he was a dickhead.

UdoU · 09/03/2023 16:21
  1. he lied and said it was his seat
Original poster
Pondere · 09/03/2023 16:21

BorderlineBagpuss · 09/03/2023 16:13

I would say 2 things

  1. well done on sticking up for yourself, I am not sure it comes very easily to you.
  1. ( won’t let me type 2. ! ) the next stage of this sticking up for yourself is not to let this man take up any more mental headspace. He won’t be thinking about it - and neither should you. I think this should be practised - I am the same and overthink things but then force myself to snap out of it.

Thank you. Needed to hear this!

OP posts:
Barbecuebeans · 09/03/2023 16:22

Frabbits · 09/03/2023 16:13

It's not excusing men to say that people on this thread have NO idea if the man was being a dickhead or not.

Because you don't. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't but personally all the men (well, most of them) including my sonsin my life are actually nice people and I refuse to subscribe to the misandry which infects this forum at times.

Show quote history

If he wasn't being a dickhead he would
a) not sat in the wrong seat in the first place, and
b) if he had done by mistake would have moved straight away.

I think there's far more internalised misogyny in MN than misandry. So many women fall over themselves to excuse some men's appalling behaviour (he may depressed/autistic/stressed at work, yada, yada, yada, in a way they never do to excuse other women's behaviour.

And I have sons and male friends who are lovely and not complete dickheads and I can tell the difference, thanks.

UdoU · 09/03/2023 16:22

JudgeRudy · 09/03/2023 16:20

? What an odd question. He didn't try it on with a flustered woman so I doubt he'd try it on with anyone 'unflusteted' or male. Probably wouldnt have tried it on with a Sikh or a uni student!

Show quote history

How odd, do you infer everything to be about sex?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/03/2023 16:23

Frabbits · 09/03/2023 16:13

It's not excusing men to say that people on this thread have NO idea if the man was being a dickhead or not.

Because you don't. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't but personally all the men (well, most of them) including my sonsin my life are actually nice people and I refuse to subscribe to the misandry which infects this forum at times.

Show quote history

And if it would be the man in question, posting here to ask if he'd been a dick then you'd have a point. But it's not, is it? It's the OP, a woman, who stood up for herself and such is state of things at the moment, is second-guessing herself.

The OP is more in my concern rather than the man who, on realising his error, took his time to move and questioned the OP. Who does that?

You carry on excusing though, I'll carry on sticking up for the OP who was there.

TakeMeToKernow · 09/03/2023 16:25

I’ve told this story before and I’ll tell this story again.

When I was a wee bit younger, I’d booked a window seat for a long train journey. I’d had a bit of a night out the night before, maybe that was skewing how I decided to deal with discovering a woman about my age already sitting in my seat by the window. I brandished my ticket a bit limply, and she sat and kept her gaze firmly out the (my) window, barely acknowledging my arrival.

So I sat in the aisle seat. The trolley came by fairly soon after departure and I select prawn cocktail crisps.

I put my headphones in and turned on some metal as loud as was tolerable and proceeded to slowly, noisily, lip smack my way through the packet of stinky crisps.

I think I recall that we’d got actually quite far through the journey, before Slipknot or whatever I was listening to finally pushed her over the edge and she turned to me to ask me to turn the music down.

It was at this point that I finally realise that this girl is crippled by a hangover. The breath that hit me could’ve stripped paint, her face is hanging, I think she was trembling.

Left her in peace after that and I’m now old enough to have left my fucks elsewhere when it comes to requesting my reserved seat.

phoenixrosehere · 09/03/2023 16:25

NeedToChangeName · 09/03/2023 15:57

On the return journey someone even said you are sitting in my seat! I said oh I’m so sorry my ticket doesn’t have a seat and they said it’s ok and sat down right next to me (there were loads of empty seats) but then huffed and pufffed and made it obvious they weren’t happy. After 1/2 hour they dramatically stood up and said I’m moving - I did book the window seat you know in a really mean voice. I would have been only to happy to move if they had said!

@PurpleWisteria1 I've had this. Get on a train, someone in my seat. Carriage was empty, so I didn't like to make a fuss, but then felt twitchy in case I was sitting in someone else's seat and might get turfed out

As soon as you realise that you're in a seat someone else has booked, you should offer to move

As soon as you realise that you're in a seat someone else has booked, you should offer to move

No, one should apologise and move.

pourthegin · 09/03/2023 16:26

Why on earth did he feel entitled to sit in someone else's seat?! Cheeky fucker wanted the window for himself and was so arrogant he didn't expect to be called out for it. If he hadn't taken your seat and set up there in the first place no one would have been inconvenienced. Don't give it a second thought. You reserved that seat so it was yours.

CallieJones · 09/03/2023 16:27

Pondere · 09/03/2023 14:51

I also wonder if him asking me if I’m ok was because me being assertive and wanting my seat must mean there is something wrong with me, rather than me simply wanting the seat I reserved.

You were there to hear the tone of voice and see the body language, so if this is the impression you got that probably was how he intended it. I would have apologised if I'd accidentally sat in someone's seat rather than question if they were ok

Maray1967 · 09/03/2023 16:27

EmmaEmerald · 09/03/2023 14:53

He's being a wanker and trying to make you feel bad. Ignore.

Show quote history

That’s my take on it as well. He didn’t want to move and was trying to deflect attention from his cheek.
If I’d been in an assertive mood I’d have said there’s nothing wrong with me but you seem to be unable to read the seat number.

If he apologised and moved quickly and asked if you’re ok if you looked flustered - fair enough. But it doesn’t sound like that from what you’ve written.

ClaudiaWankleman · 09/03/2023 16:28

TakeMeToKernow · 09/03/2023 16:25

I’ve told this story before and I’ll tell this story again.

When I was a wee bit younger, I’d booked a window seat for a long train journey. I’d had a bit of a night out the night before, maybe that was skewing how I decided to deal with discovering a woman about my age already sitting in my seat by the window. I brandished my ticket a bit limply, and she sat and kept her gaze firmly out the (my) window, barely acknowledging my arrival.

So I sat in the aisle seat. The trolley came by fairly soon after departure and I select prawn cocktail crisps.

I put my headphones in and turned on some metal as loud as was tolerable and proceeded to slowly, noisily, lip smack my way through the packet of stinky crisps.

I think I recall that we’d got actually quite far through the journey, before Slipknot or whatever I was listening to finally pushed her over the edge and she turned to me to ask me to turn the music down.

It was at this point that I finally realise that this girl is crippled by a hangover. The breath that hit me could’ve stripped paint, her face is hanging, I think she was trembling.

Left her in peace after that and I’m now old enough to have left my fucks elsewhere when it comes to requesting my reserved seat.

Are prawn cocktail crisps really stinky crisps? I don't really think so.

Frabbits · 09/03/2023 16:30

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/03/2023 16:23

And if it would be the man in question, posting here to ask if he'd been a dick then you'd have a point. But it's not, is it? It's the OP, a woman, who stood up for herself and such is state of things at the moment, is second-guessing herself.

The OP is more in my concern rather than the man who, on realising his error, took his time to move and questioned the OP. Who does that?

You carry on excusing though, I'll carry on sticking up for the OP who was there.

Show quote history

For the second time, I'm not excusing anything.

Merely pointing out that, given neither you, I or anyone other than the OP was there it's impossible to make a judgement on whether it was a genuine mistake or not, but it's a fact that the usual assumption on here is that obviously the guy was being a dickhead.

I've sat in the wrong seat in a cinema before thinking it was the right one, to the point I've checked my ticket first. So what? It was a mistake.

monsterradeliciosa · 09/03/2023 16:31

The whole point in booking a seat is so you get that seat. You did nothing wrong. The man was probably highly irritated but that's his problem.

Silverperch · 09/03/2023 16:32

YANBU - you had a right to ask for the window seat, which is better, as you had booked it.

He was being a pushy little dickhead - not just taking the window seat but claiming it was his, then asking if you wanted it (well, yes, that's why you booked it, sunshine) and then asking if you were OK as a final little dig.

I saw this on a plane recently, a bloke claiming he needed the aisle seat, not the middle, as 'he'd be up and down going to the toilet the whole flight' - really putting the hard word on the two people in that aisle. They said no. There was, in the end, nothing he could do. It was very satisfying to watch.

And it's not 'misandry' to dissect these encounters - any poster who tries to argue that some men have a sense of entitlement and superiority either isn't paying attention, or is one of those men themselves. And rather than sit with their damn feelings and accept that maybe they are the problem, they lurk here gaslighting women who dare talk about it.

Shudacudawuda · 09/03/2023 16:33

YANBU I hate it when people don't stick to their allocated seat, it can cause all sorts of annoying subsequent problems

Overthebloodymoon · 09/03/2023 16:35

Had this on a ‘plane once! Idiot man wanted me to take the middle seat over the window. Erm, no thanks!

MarkWithaC · 09/03/2023 16:37

YANBU. I wonder if he'd have quibbled over it with a man?
I've had similar, where I've arrived at my booked seat to find someone in it, said politely 'Excuse me, this is my seat' flashing my ticket, and had them stare back and say, 'Do you want to sit here?' Er, yes, it's my seat...?! People are weird.

CementTrucker · 09/03/2023 16:38

Absent some burning need, the only reasonable response to ‘I’m sorry, you’re sitting in my seat’ is to apologise and move.

The very fact him asking if you were ok came straight after you asserting you wanted the seat makes me think it was asked in order to make you look or feel small rather than genuine concern. Wouldn’t occur to me to ask if someone was ok just because they look flustered on a train - a place where, what with running for the thing, going up and down platforms, manhandling bags through carriages and, yes, trying to find seats, it’s extremely normal to encounter flustered-looking people!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/03/2023 16:39

Frabbits, You are part of the problem. Men like this have even less respect for women like you, they just carry on whilst you and your ilk excuse their behaviour.

Frabbits · 09/03/2023 16:41

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/03/2023 16:39

Frabbits, You are part of the problem. Men like this have even less respect for women like you, they just carry on whilst you and your ilk excuse their behaviour.

GTF.

It's not part of the problem to just assume that all men are wankers.

UdoU · 09/03/2023 16:41

Frabbits · 09/03/2023 16:30

For the second time, I'm not excusing anything.

Merely pointing out that, given neither you, I or anyone other than the OP was there it's impossible to make a judgement on whether it was a genuine mistake or not, but it's a fact that the usual assumption on here is that obviously the guy was being a dickhead.

I've sat in the wrong seat in a cinema before thinking it was the right one, to the point I've checked my ticket first. So what? It was a mistake.

Show quote history

The first time (saying it was seat) may have been a 'mistake'. But he went on to try and fob her off with the aisle seat which was his second 'mistake' and then he asked her 'are you ok?' because he didn't get his way. 3 times is not a mistake, 3 times is twattery.

Frabbits · 09/03/2023 16:41

*to not just assume.