Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

638 replies

Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:18

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

OP posts:
321gogogo · 08/03/2023 05:20

It's no one else's business

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:24

321gogogo · 08/03/2023 05:20

It's no one else's business

That’s what I’ve always thought but it seems to be a sense of trying to protect a resource for those who really need it and i get that but she doesn’t know my circumstances and now I feel like I have to tell her my life history to avoid being labelled a CF when actually I just want to get on each day and try to get by and using foodbanks is what’s keeping us afloat. It’s just made me so down feeling judged

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 08/03/2023 05:24

I can possibly understand the not taking you out for dinner/afternoon tea if they'd be expected to pay for you, but are you saying you told them you and your family were starving and they had basics like bread/cheese/pasta and wouldn't give to you?
I'd give that to a random in the street.
What's your and partners income? Working? Getting everything you're entitled to?

HelloBunny · 08/03/2023 05:24

We’re eating the cupboard bare this week. I’m out of food for tonight. DH had cuppa soup last night. Sometimes my parents help out with shopping, which is very kind. But we haven’t done that for a few weeks, and I never ask them. Same as you, my folks are rich, but I’m not.

Notanotherone5 · 08/03/2023 05:24

No, obviously the fact you have wealthy family shouldn’t impact you using a foodbank

However, it sounds like using food banks is a very regular occurrence. I think you need to contact CAB (or one of the other charities) to go through your budget and see if there is anyway to decrease your reliance on food banks. For example, are there any further benefits you could apply for (including discretionary ones)? If you are paying off debt / tied into high contracts, are there better ways to manage this etc

neighboursmustliveon · 08/03/2023 05:25

Clearly you don't have family help if the help is refused. Personally I would keep it to myself but if it does come up just say you don't have any help and try and leave it at that.

If the person keeps on you could say something like 'That's for pointing out how horrible it is to have family that could help me but won't, that makes me feel great about myself!'

You shouldn't have to though.

AmIThatMam · 08/03/2023 05:26

You are an adult and therefore responsible for your own life/children, so it’s irrelevant what your parents earn. Your mum is an a-hole and that’s not your fault. No one should need to use a food bank, I’m sorry you find yourself in that situation. I wish we had a better support system, better wages, better government.

Ffsmakeitstop · 08/03/2023 05:28

If this is a food bank volunteer saying it that's completely inappropriate. Could you speak to someone higher up and just say you feel uncomfortable as people don't know your circumstances and they don't need to.
If it's just someone you know tell them it's not their business. I hope things improve for you.

MichelleScarn · 08/03/2023 05:30

@Notaskingmuch what about the family of your dp? Are they helpful?
I suppose at a stretch, there's a diff between your 'd' m having a 'nice social time' with your sisters out for meals, over for the odd dinner etc and being asked to support daily needs of an entire family?
You also sound quite resentful re owning her own home and having a working partner and earning well herself? Do you and your partner not work then?

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:30

MichelleScarn · 08/03/2023 05:24

I can possibly understand the not taking you out for dinner/afternoon tea if they'd be expected to pay for you, but are you saying you told them you and your family were starving and they had basics like bread/cheese/pasta and wouldn't give to you?
I'd give that to a random in the street.
What's your and partners income? Working? Getting everything you're entitled to?

I stopped speaking to them all after the last occasion as I felt humiliated as they made me feel like I was begging. Food banks have been amazing and non judgemental .

we both work PT, juggling hours round dc so we don’t have to pay for childcare (that’s another issue - I was never offered the help with childcare both dsis were, their dc regularly get days out with grandparents etc or stay at weekends) . Things were never great but the catalyst a few years ago seemed to be my choice of partner as they didn’t approve. I feel that’s behind the total lack of support now and disinterest in my dc.

We get all we are entitled to it’s just not enough after rent etc etc. Hoping to increase hours after September when youngest starts reception

OP posts:
Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:33

MichelleScarn · 08/03/2023 05:30

@Notaskingmuch what about the family of your dp? Are they helpful?
I suppose at a stretch, there's a diff between your 'd' m having a 'nice social time' with your sisters out for meals, over for the odd dinner etc and being asked to support daily needs of an entire family?
You also sound quite resentful re owning her own home and having a working partner and earning well herself? Do you and your partner not work then?

We both work , I think I’m resentful as she’s out of touch with reality as she’s always owned her home so doesn’t seem to realise how others struggle of renting etc and she has never had to really work so almost doesn’t live in the real work as has been supported most of her adult life so she just doesn’t get it

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 08/03/2023 05:33

Why don't they approve of your partner? Is this behind not funding things?

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:36

MichelleScarn · 08/03/2023 05:33

Why don't they approve of your partner? Is this behind not funding things?

Things were never great there was always a problem, I was always the scapegoat so it’s not entirely that but it got a lot worse when I got married and then again when I had dc. I can’t say it’s just that but I think it’s a massive issue (dm is racist) but even if I’d met someone she approved of I think in all honestly she probably wouldn’t be treating me much different to now

OP posts:
Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:38

MichelleScarn · 08/03/2023 05:30

@Notaskingmuch what about the family of your dp? Are they helpful?
I suppose at a stretch, there's a diff between your 'd' m having a 'nice social time' with your sisters out for meals, over for the odd dinner etc and being asked to support daily needs of an entire family?
You also sound quite resentful re owning her own home and having a working partner and earning well herself? Do you and your partner not work then?

They live abroad , if they visit they are always helpful with the dc etc but it’s not very often and they aren’t well off so can’t support financially.

We aren’t going without it’s just we need the food bank to get us through for now and I think once youngest settles into reception we will be able to work more so it’s temporary it’s just really got to me

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 08/03/2023 05:45

As for the person who criticised you for using food banks - was that a friend or staff at the food bank?

If it was a friend I’m sorry they said that to you. Please learn the lesson to never, ever discuss your finances with anyone outside your immediate family i.e. spouse / partner and then only on a need to know basis.

Unfortunately, sharing that information with friends and extended family can often bite you on the bum. Unless you are 100% sure they will help you willingly without judgement or gossip and that will not change at some point in the future- tell them nothing

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:47

Lurkingandlearning · 08/03/2023 05:45

As for the person who criticised you for using food banks - was that a friend or staff at the food bank?

If it was a friend I’m sorry they said that to you. Please learn the lesson to never, ever discuss your finances with anyone outside your immediate family i.e. spouse / partner and then only on a need to know basis.

Unfortunately, sharing that information with friends and extended family can often bite you on the bum. Unless you are 100% sure they will help you willingly without judgement or gossip and that will not change at some point in the future- tell them nothing

A friend, she had offered me a lift home after drop off and I’d said I was going the opposite way as needed to go to the church where the food bank is

OP posts:
HistoryFanatic · 08/03/2023 05:50

Are you able to work another job at the weekend just until September?

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:53

HistoryFanatic · 08/03/2023 05:50

Are you able to work another job at the weekend just until September?

Not currently, we are both going to increase hours in September/October once you gets in full time school. Dh works each weekend at the moment so I’m with dc

OP posts:
Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:53

*youngest

OP posts:
Okunevo · 08/03/2023 05:54

Does one of you already work evenings?

zorgoid · 08/03/2023 05:55

Nah they shouldn't judge you for that. Who was it? Why do they know so much about your circumstances?

Are you entitled to any free childcare? Or the tax free childcare?

Joystir59 · 08/03/2023 05:58

Notanotherone5 · 08/03/2023 05:24

No, obviously the fact you have wealthy family shouldn’t impact you using a foodbank

However, it sounds like using food banks is a very regular occurrence. I think you need to contact CAB (or one of the other charities) to go through your budget and see if there is anyway to decrease your reliance on food banks. For example, are there any further benefits you could apply for (including discretionary ones)? If you are paying off debt / tied into high contracts, are there better ways to manage this etc

Due to the dramatically increased cost of living I know a single parent family that relies on the he community fridge every month to get by. The mum works as full time TA and is claiming everything she's entitled to (WTC). This is a regular reality for lots of people now, and nothing to do with managing finances better- there simply isn't enough to make ends meet.

discobrain · 08/03/2023 06:01

My fridge is currently empty

I can't go and get shopping until Friday so it's going to be interesting

OP you are in need and if you need to use a foodbank then you should.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 08/03/2023 06:02

One of you can work full time surely?

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 06:05

Prettypaisleyslippers · 08/03/2023 06:02

One of you can work full time surely?

Not currently due to some health issues I have but that is improving so that’s why we have planned to both increase in September as by then I should be fully recovered

OP posts: