For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

[Notaskingmuch]

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

You’re just here to mock and judge someone a lot less fortunate than yourself. “Just work more”. They can’t afford to eat, let alone pay childcare costs. They have no family support, the OP’s mum is a spiteful twat.

I suspect your strange boasting about being a 50-hour-week-Wendy is designed to make you feel better about something at the expense of an OP who is struggling.

Which is why my prior suggestion would have been for DH to pick 1 more shift up a week and use the funded childcare that day so OP is not affected. 1 day extra per week would massively help their budget.

Although I'd certainly never begrudge them a foodbank. And your comments about 49 hours a week being the norm for full time is so wrong.

At the age of their youngest they will get 30 hours free childcare so he could definitely work full time.

When I put items in a collection for a food bank I don’t make moral judgments about who is going to receive them. People may have health issues, may have drug or alcohol dependency issues, may just be finding life overwhelming at the moment financially. I don’t know & I don’t care.
OP has health issues and is struggling temporarily. They need and deserve some help at the moment and it’s fine for them to use a food bank.

People making these moral judgments probably never donate to food banks because they will always be cynical about the reasons other people need help. Let’s hope they never struggle in life & need a temporary helping hand.

Sorry you’re in this situation OP.

Firstly you are being unreasonable to expect handouts and childcare from your parents. They might behave differently with your siblings but that’s their choice and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Stop telling people your business. It’s no one’s business if you go to a food bank so just don’t say anything to anyone next time. you’re causing yourself hassle you don’t need by saying this to people.

The reason you don’t have enough money is because you both work part time. Lots of families have 2 adults working full time and even then they cannot meet their bills. No it’s not right and it’s not fair but that’s the reality of the world at the moment. The sooner you can increase hours the better.

You don't have to justify yourself to posters who think that they know your circumstances better than you do. I wish you well in your recovery.

It was mentioned right at the beginning of thread but are you paying off debts that mean your money is stretched further? If so it might be worth looking at what you can do to reduce this or other methods like snowballing.

The Money Saving Expert forums are very good for budgeting advice. And by budgeting I mean all yearly costs, not just the regular monthly payments as it's the one offs that knacker low budgets.

Building a reliance on a food bank is a bit of a poverty trap. That's not a dig to say you shouldn't use them, just that there needs to be a way out.

Getting your finances in order now will help when you can earn more. There's some really good advice out there for shaving money off your bills etc.

I don't know where you live op but most towns are crying out for hospitality staff. Why can't your DH pick up evening shifts on the days you are home at 4.30? I don't understand why he can't pick up a late shift on the days he does work tbh - he's only working 33 hrs pw.

Can you tell us a bit about your accident and what it's impact on your health has been please? Also if your husband does a few evening shifts, how does that prevent you from going to early if you need to?

Between you, you aren't doing much more than a full time job. I would be heartbroken if one-of my dc were in that sort of situation.

Also, why can't your dh's family help financially despite living abroad. It isn't hard to transfer money.

Exactly. Her lazy feckless husband is ONLY working standard full time hours, compressed over 4 days and caring for an partner recovering from an accident, and their children. He could EASILY squeeze in another 20 hours working overnight and stop sleeping, if he really wanted to provide for his family he would forgo sleep.

Oh and said unwell recovering from an accident partner ONLY works part time, I mean unless your head is falling off it's just laziness isn't it?

She said her dps parents live abroad so can’t babysit and don’t have the financial means. I suspect they are from a less wealthier country.

OP, you definitely ANBU using food banks. Let go of the guilt and desire to be acceptable to other people who haven’t walked in your shoes and do what’s best for you and your family. I’m sorry your family treat you like this.

You mention your mum is racist, consider limiting contact with her for the sake of your children and partner who I am assuming have the racial heritage she discriminates against. It’s not healthy for them.

Can you tell us a bit about your accident and what it's impact on your health has been please?

Please don't do this OP!! 🤯

Bloody hell, @RosesAndHellebores - just listen to yourself!

@richardheed he's working 33 hours pw. Most professionals work at least 40, often 50. There is nothing on this earth that should prevent him from picking up a shift or two in hospitality or care to feed his children. He's the sort if chap who'd rather rely on benefits/charity.

The op has disclosed nothing of her disability.

I’d ask your sisters to help.

She's always horrible to anyone not doing well in a professional job. She was very successful in her own career dontcha know.

I am disabled and too ill to work. Dd went to nursery as I couldn’t care for her. My dh did consider becoming my carer after I had major surgery. He didn’t work for 5 months. Reading between the lines op’s dh is having to care for her and she’s working to capacity. So neither can work more right now. Op has said her working hours are advised by her consultant.

The people cross-questioning Op about her and DP working more hours are as bad and judgemental as this so called "friend".
Then you've got some absolute tool asking for more information about Op's accident and health - this is someone's life, not a soap opera.
Op didn't ask for ideas on how to bring in more income, she was looking for support about what this person said. Can't we just accept that if a couple are struggling this much it's likely they've already considered their income and how to improve it? As Op and her partner have already done, following a consultant's advice...

She doesn’t need to. She probably doesn’t use the words disabled. I didn’t for years.

Why does she need to disclose anything about her disability? You're not her PIP assessor.

Rubbish.

OP lots of sympathetic practical advice here, but rather less understanding of your hurt and exhaustion at being, in effect, judged for having a f.ed up .family dynamic.

I've seen scapegoating happen in families and it's awful to be on the receiving end of it. Plus, British culture makes it particularly difficult to explain this kind of situation to outsiders.

I'd tell your friend clearly that there's a difference between having well-off parents and being secure oneself, and ignore any further sniping. All the best.

Your family are disgusting I’m so sorry 💐

There’s a great long running thread on here about Narc Mothers where everyone will understand exactly what you are having to live with xx

But she has since updated us and outlined the hours her partner works. It’s clearly full time hours. And people are still asking daft questions about why he’s working ‘half the week’.

Of course she was 😂

The op has said she works 3 days 9.30 to 4.30. That's 18 hours. If she were to reduce that to 16 would they not qualify for universal credit?

I am not trying to be nasty, I am trying to understand why additional work is not possible if this family are in dire financial straits?

I have grown up children and I'd hate for them to be in this situation but I'd be more minded to pay for some additional nursery time to allow them to work more than I would to buy them food. If they still couldn't manage on close to full-time hours x 2 I'd make sure the children had everything they needed.