For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

[Notaskingmuch]

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

I have never said she needs to work more. I have said her husband should work at least 40 hours a week. Why do you think he shouldn't? Why do you think that their current situation is safe and secure? They have nobody who can help them if they stand there without food. They have no safety net and they have two small children. That is quite a stressful and scary situation to be in when they don't have to.

And you really care about the op don't you. I can see that. You really care and you really want to help her. Even though you haven't noticed her barriers to your plan for her. But it's all coming from a good place regardless.

🤨

@Pink39tree you sound like my old line manager , the one who refused to let me have my crutches within reach because she had " seen onefoot walking around Tesco with her crutches in the trolley" - no amount of reasoning would make her see that I was leaning on the trolley and didnt posess a 3rd arm and hand hand to hold 2 crutches and the trolley at the same time .
Some people just have no empathy, imagination or common sense.

But none of the suggestions are workable! They're literally useless. It's been explained why he can't work more, several times.

Why are you so mean and angry? What do you think they should do then? Just carry on and hope for the best? You haven't answered any of my questions. You just came on to tell me how horrible I am but without actually contributing anything. I have noticed OP's barriers, she is recovering from an accident so she can't do more hours and she needs her husband around in the evenings after she finishes work, but there are other hours of the day when he can work more. OP hasn't said if that works for them or not, so I have no idea I am just suggesting things they can do to get out of the situation they are in.

It is great that there are food banks and it's great that people can use them in the short term but it can't be relied upon, especially when having kids and no safety net.

As far as I can see the OP has not confirmed that. She has said that she needs him home in the evening after she finishes work but that's it, unless I have missed something. There are other times in the week he could work. They may be able to get free childcare too since the child is 3+ so they could both work at the same time.

I am just making suggestions, but everyone is acting like I'm forcing the OP and her DH to work 24/7 just for the hell of it. Wouldn't you rather make an extra £50 a week than not knowing if you can feed your children?

Her comment about her needing him literally does confirm that. And yes, they could get free hours but they're short and they're term time. Presumably they've probably already thought of this...

Yes, I would, if I could, I think it's fairly obvious that's the situation here as well! I don't think its a conscious choice to be using a food bank.

But you're ignoring the fact that her husband is pretty much a carer while she recovers. He clearly needs to be around at certain times, otherwise they'd have already thought of the extra hours/different job solution.

The OP is following her consultants advice in the hope of making a full recovery and being able to work full time again. The future for her family will be a lot more manageable if she is allowed to recover.

Sometimes circumstances mean you can't access the 'easy' solutions, and it's really frustrating when people keep shoving those solutions in your face as if you were incapable of thinking of them for yourself.

The ops plan is to try and get more work hours in September.
She has a plan. She has a timescale. More than reasonable.

There are other times in the week he could work.

Such as?

He already works 4 fairly long days and the other 3 looks after the children while OP is at work. She then needs him around to help her on those evenings.

Did I miss the memo that there are now 8 days in a week?

@Springchicken75 when you give to charity you do keep on banging about it. Lots of us do and we do realise that these are real people out there who are needing help more than ever and we are fortunate to be able to help. Be grateful instead of being so spiteful and if you are going to judge whoever uses the food bank then don't donate. I am sure someone else will fill the gap. OP and her family are genuinely struggling who need help. People need food. No one I have seen uses the food bank just for the fun of it. It's already soul crushing to be going through such poverty that you have to use food banks and then there are people like you who beat the already dead man.

OP you do you. You know your situation best. Bad times can come on anyone and I pray that no one of us has to experience it and pray for you that your situation gets better soon. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. And stay away from these judgey friends. No one needs to know your financial situation unless you know you can rely on them not being judgemental.

A few posters on this thread have been displaying a very Victorian attitude of deserving/undeserving poor. The OP & her DH have been categorised as 'undeserving' because the DH isnt working every possible hour.

I cant imagine the OP is using foodbanks as a lifestyle choice. This is a stop gap until she can start working more hours in September.

It may come as a shock to some but not everywhere is like everywhere else:

• Not all employers will give extra hours to employees just for the asking. Retailers like PT workers because it is easier to sort cover if one person is off.
• Not all people have cars to use for delivery/Uber gig jobs (one PP suggested this)
• Not all places have good public transport to make commuting between extra jobs possible
• Not all places have loads of easily picked up jobs available

I get the feeling that some posters wont be satisfied until the OP has posted up her bank statements and a minute by minute schedule of the family day so that they can pore over them and pick at any 'faults'.

I think if the OP has access to free childcare hours then having OH work while their child uses them could be a solution but. . .

Schools that provide the hours usually will only offer either am/pm for 3 hours each day in termtime, which is relatively minimal help

Many private nurseries/childminders will charge additional fees to use the hours &/or will only offer them in same way schools do so you can’t just use them to have 1 or 2 full days year round.

If both parents are at work for a couple of days together they’ll need childcare for one of their children through the school holidays even if the youngest can use free hours through the year. I well recall the logistical pain in the neck of coordinating one at nursery and one at various holiday clubs running on stupid hours. It was very doable for us as our employers are flexible. It really wouldn’t be for someone with an inflexible employer and it often seems like the lower paid the role the less flexible it is.

I assume intention is that come September when both kids are at school and OP has had time to recover then there will be opportunities to pick up extra shifts in termtime &/or for OH to work an evening but for now they are doing as much as they can while OP is unwell.

I don’t think it’s a horrible idea to look at additional hours but the OPs responses seem to already indicate this isn’t feasible so why is it impossible to accept that and that they are stuck as they are till September. Why can’t you accept that is true? Also don’t you think in those circumstances it’s pretty awful her family won’t support her? I’d help either of my girls even if they were being a bit useless as mine and my partners parents would help us. Goodness I’d help a friend or a parent at school or a neighbour in those circumstances never mind my own child