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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

638 replies

Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:18

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

OP posts:
Okunevo · 08/03/2023 06:06

Prettypaisleyslippers · 08/03/2023 06:02

One of you can work full time surely?

One of my parents worked full time and Saturdays and the other worked evenings when we were young children. Do you already work all the hours you can?

Twiglets1 · 08/03/2023 06:08

Take no notice of people being judgemental including so called “friends”

AviMav · 08/03/2023 06:15

What hours do you both work OP? I'm a single parent and have no family support either.

I still work 2 jobs... I work within school hours and I drop a breakfast club at 8am and I taxi daily in order to be able to start at 08.30. I also work a weekend extra job too.

I'm afraid I'm with your family here. You could work nights and evenings, your partner should be working full-time during the week and you could work the weekends or nights even.

2 people working part time isn't viable if your having to use a food bank!

Angelik · 08/03/2023 06:17

Okunevo · 08/03/2023 06:06

One of my parents worked full time and Saturdays and the other worked evenings when we were young children. Do you already work all the hours you can?

Show quote history

Jesus christ. You're missing the whole point of everything really and massively judging the OP and anyone in a similar position. People shouldn't have to work endlessly just to stay warm and eat. Yes yes yes I know your parents did it bit I bet they wish they didn't HAVE to. The fact that anyone has to use a food bank in this supposedly developed country is shameful. Thar is what you should be commenting on. Not telling the OP to work more. Her family deserve quality of life too you know.

Sux2buthen · 08/03/2023 06:22

It's a shame so many people cannot understand the question in the OP.
The food bank is for people that need if. If you need it, use it. Good luck with everything Flowers

Okunevo · 08/03/2023 06:24

@Angelik I'm a lone parent on a low income myself. If you are on your own you can only work full time that fits with wrap around care, until your children can be latchkeyed. Two parents have more options.

Swiftswatch · 08/03/2023 06:25

You’re both choosing to only work part time hours though, it seems obvious you’re going to struggle financially.
Why would you both need to wait until September to work more hours? One of you could easily start doing more now.

HistoryFanatic · 08/03/2023 06:26

I only suggested weekends as some food banks will only let you use them for a limited number of times so you can't really rely on them.

Are you getting all you are entitled to benefits wise, OP?

Swiftswatch · 08/03/2023 06:26

Angelik · 08/03/2023 06:17

Jesus christ. You're missing the whole point of everything really and massively judging the OP and anyone in a similar position. People shouldn't have to work endlessly just to stay warm and eat. Yes yes yes I know your parents did it bit I bet they wish they didn't HAVE to. The fact that anyone has to use a food bank in this supposedly developed country is shameful. Thar is what you should be commenting on. Not telling the OP to work more. Her family deserve quality of life too you know.

Show quote history

But they both only work part time. Expecting one to do at least full time isn’t expecting them to work “endlessly”.

LadyHarmby · 08/03/2023 06:29

Tell your friend the truth about your family. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Ask yourself why you’re covering up for them.

Littlefaeries · 08/03/2023 06:31

OP if you need the foodbank then use it and ignore judgement by others including pp's on here who don't know your health issues.
A food bank is for people who haven't got enough food whatever the circumstances.

Even if I thought my dc could work more there's no way I'd let their dc, my dgc, go without food.
Your parents are nasty.
Hope things improve for you.

Snoken · 08/03/2023 06:43

I agree you both have to work more. Not many families can survive on two part time wages. You have chosen to have multiple children without having the means to feed them. It’s really irresponsible to assume you can then work part time and rely on food banks to make up the shortfall. Whilst you figure this out use the food banks to make sure your kids don’t go hungry, but you need to figure out a way to support yourselves.

WonderingWanda · 08/03/2023 06:48

It's no one else's business op and your friend was very judgemental. Please don't have any more to do with your nasty family. I can't believe the way they treat you.

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 06:48

Snoken · 08/03/2023 06:43

I agree you both have to work more. Not many families can survive on two part time wages. You have chosen to have multiple children without having the means to feed them. It’s really irresponsible to assume you can then work part time and rely on food banks to make up the shortfall. Whilst you figure this out use the food banks to make sure your kids don’t go hungry, but you need to figure out a way to support yourselves.

We had 2 children when our financial position was much better. An accident and resulting health issues plus covid and cost of living crisis just ruined everything

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 08/03/2023 06:48

If people know your family - DM and DSISs - and know financially that they are comfortable, they will probably wonder why you are using a food bank

You can either choose to explain your situation or not.

Sorry that you are going through this
It sounds shit

Snoken · 08/03/2023 06:50

Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 06:48

We had 2 children when our financial position was much better. An accident and resulting health issues plus covid and cost of living crisis just ruined everything

Show quote history

That’s fine but you are not trying to maximise your earnings now (not in 6 months time). At least one of you needs to work full time.

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 06:54

Snoken · 08/03/2023 06:50

That’s fine but you are not trying to maximise your earnings now (not in 6 months time). At least one of you needs to work full time.

Show quote history

I need to fully recover so that in sep/oct I can do more hours and maintain that rather than try too soon before fully recovered. I struggle with PT and just manage as I can rest in the evenings . My consultant has advised on time frames

OP posts:
Tropicaliyes · 08/03/2023 06:55

Do what you need to do and never mind others!

my partner and I were in a similar situation like 11/12 years ago when we moved in together. My mother is such a toxic person she much rather watch us starve than help. We both have severe chronic health conditions and this way way before we were able to sign off so sanctions were a non stop thing especially if we were hospitalised or similar. I was luckily housed on the council because of me being sick which has honestly been the only thing keeping me afloat.

you know those cheap instant noodle packs you can get in the corner shop? They would have a deal back in those day for like 4 for a pound so we would use let’s say £3 on 12 packs of basic noodles and that was to last the two of us until the next pay day which was 2 weeks away. We couldn’t pay for our gas or electric so often found ourself without heath, hot water or light. No furniture except a bed my grandma had given me which had gone through many family members and a couch my sister gave me when she moved out.. otherwise we didn’t even have carpet or curtains!

we applied to food banks but would get turned down as you needed some kind of ticket approved from your GP and our GP was a piece of work. We would ask for small amounts of money and my mum would accuse me of using it on drugs even though she never knew me to do drugs.

she promised me a job at her workplace since my sister left their work and then took it back telling her manager someone else would benefit from it better than me!

very rarely if she cooked she would offer we come over however she always drove and we were expected to walk the hour there and hour back just for food that was barely edible! When we went from a healthy weight to underweight and malnourished she couldn’t care less and would often mock us!

I haven’t spoken to my family since 2016 and as much as that was 11/12 years ago and a long time since we spoke, it’s been something I can never get over!

even our neighbour could see we were struggling, not on drugs, just needed rent, or utilities money he would give us £20 and we always made sure to return the money incase we needed help again (which we did and he never minded).

we were judged like crazy from inside my family and the outside world and you know what.. I’m out of all that now, still severely sick but with the correct support I can look back at all that and just know never would I allow my family around them! Some people are toxic AF and family are no exception! Life has been much better since cutting them out and if we had the option of food banks back then we for sure would have used as many as we could!

you do what you need do to survive and don’t care for anyone’s perceptions of you! The future will change for the best for you and ultimately they will always wonder what became of you or how you got out that issues you had yourself in but don’t give them your energy or time! Do what’s best for you and your family!

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 06:58

Tropicaliyes · 08/03/2023 06:55

Do what you need to do and never mind others!

my partner and I were in a similar situation like 11/12 years ago when we moved in together. My mother is such a toxic person she much rather watch us starve than help. We both have severe chronic health conditions and this way way before we were able to sign off so sanctions were a non stop thing especially if we were hospitalised or similar. I was luckily housed on the council because of me being sick which has honestly been the only thing keeping me afloat.

you know those cheap instant noodle packs you can get in the corner shop? They would have a deal back in those day for like 4 for a pound so we would use let’s say £3 on 12 packs of basic noodles and that was to last the two of us until the next pay day which was 2 weeks away. We couldn’t pay for our gas or electric so often found ourself without heath, hot water or light. No furniture except a bed my grandma had given me which had gone through many family members and a couch my sister gave me when she moved out.. otherwise we didn’t even have carpet or curtains!

we applied to food banks but would get turned down as you needed some kind of ticket approved from your GP and our GP was a piece of work. We would ask for small amounts of money and my mum would accuse me of using it on drugs even though she never knew me to do drugs.

she promised me a job at her workplace since my sister left their work and then took it back telling her manager someone else would benefit from it better than me!

very rarely if she cooked she would offer we come over however she always drove and we were expected to walk the hour there and hour back just for food that was barely edible! When we went from a healthy weight to underweight and malnourished she couldn’t care less and would often mock us!

I haven’t spoken to my family since 2016 and as much as that was 11/12 years ago and a long time since we spoke, it’s been something I can never get over!

even our neighbour could see we were struggling, not on drugs, just needed rent, or utilities money he would give us £20 and we always made sure to return the money incase we needed help again (which we did and he never minded).

we were judged like crazy from inside my family and the outside world and you know what.. I’m out of all that now, still severely sick but with the correct support I can look back at all that and just know never would I allow my family around them! Some people are toxic AF and family are no exception! Life has been much better since cutting them out and if we had the option of food banks back then we for sure would have used as many as we could!

you do what you need do to survive and don’t care for anyone’s perceptions of you! The future will change for the best for you and ultimately they will always wonder what became of you or how you got out that issues you had yourself in but don’t give them your energy or time! Do what’s best for you and your family!

Thank you for being so kind and I’m sorry you had to go through that it sounds terrible Flowers

OP posts:
Florissant · 08/03/2023 07:01

This isn't an AIBU as much as it is a series of complaints by the OP about their family.

Comtesse · 08/03/2023 07:04

Ignore your “friend”. How is it your fault that your well off family don’t help you much? Hope you continue to make a good recovery from your health problems Flowers

Maxwelll · 08/03/2023 07:05
  1. Go NC with your family, they sound horrible.
  1. It's no one's business why you're using a food bank you don't need to explain to anyone.
  1. I know you can't pick up more work because of health issues but can your DH go full time? You should be able to get childcare help if needed with both your wages being low.
FergussSingsTheBlues · 08/03/2023 07:06

Why can’t your partner work full time so that you can recover properly?b you would probably recover quicker we well!

most people would be struggling with two people working only PT

Your family sound horrible.

GnomeDePlume · 08/03/2023 07:08

Of course you should use foodbanks if you need to!

It doesnt matter that your family could help you more. They dont so you do what you need to do. If there is estrangement from your family then their circumstances are irrelevant. It would be the same as saying you shouldnt be using foodbanks if your neighbour was well off.

MRex · 08/03/2023 07:10

If your family needs food, then use the food bank. You don't need to explain yourself to your friend, but if you want to then you could tell her that it was hurtful for her to imply criticism of you going, and clearly you only go to a food bank because you need the food for your family.

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