Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

638 replies

Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:18

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

OP posts:
MRex · 08/03/2023 07:10

It also isn't shameful to say "my family won't help me" by the way, the shame of that is on them and not you.

carriedout · 08/03/2023 07:12

Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:47

A friend, she had offered me a lift home after drop off and I’d said I was going the opposite way as needed to go to the church where the food bank is

Show quote history

They're not a friend, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry you are in this situation but I agree do not share information with people unless you are very certain they have your best interests at heart.

Many people like to pretend food banks are not needed - there are a lot of arseholes out there unfortunately!

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 08/03/2023 07:14

I absolutely do not care about why, anyone who is using a food bank is entitled to without judgement. It really is irrelevant how your circumstances compare to anyone else’s.

Hope things improve OP. It’s clear you’d work more if you could, no one wants to rely on food banks. Hope things improve soon x

Beautiful3 · 08/03/2023 07:17

Just tell her next time, that you need the food bank. Family won't help, and you're struggling financially.

Plirtle · 08/03/2023 07:18

I'm sorry to hear this. However, you have a dp and his parents should also be expected to step up. It's not fair to blame your own parents completely. Personally I would help ny own children if I was in a position to. Perhaps your parents resent the fact that your dps parents aren't helping much either.

What about your dad? It always seems to be the mum that gets blamed on these money threads.

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 07:23

Plirtle · 08/03/2023 07:18

I'm sorry to hear this. However, you have a dp and his parents should also be expected to step up. It's not fair to blame your own parents completely. Personally I would help ny own children if I was in a position to. Perhaps your parents resent the fact that your dps parents aren't helping much either.

What about your dad? It always seems to be the mum that gets blamed on these money threads.

They live abroad so unfortunately can’t help but when they visit they do but it’s not often.

My dad passed away 15 years ago (DM remarried)

OP posts:
Needmoresleep · 08/03/2023 07:24

You sound exhausted and your resilience is low. It is probably not the comment itself but the fact that it was the final straw.

It happens to us all. In your case it is the constant grind about money. I had that when I first took over caring for my mother who had dementia. A haughty bank clerk demanded three pieces of photo ID not the two I had come in with, and did my mother have three. I burst into tears. The manager came out and was lovely, telling me stories of the antics his own mother got up to in her care home.

Decide you have only so much emotional energy so cannot waste it on your unhelpful family. Seek out people who make you feel good. Confide in them. Perhaps arrange for them to come round for a cup of tea, or a walk in the park. Admit that you are stoney broke. Limit any moan to 30 minutes and then have some anecdotes about your current situation that you can laugh about. If someone offers to treat you to a pizza or an evening in a wine bar or something, accept, but ask if she can see it as paying it forward. When you have some money you will help someone in an equally dire situation, or repay in kind. (Babysitting?) Your priority is to boost that resilience by gaining support and some escape from the grind.

And who knows. Your mother will probably hate that she is not in a position to deny you. (Read up on the Adult-Parent-Child model. She seems to be enjoying/abusing the parent role. You need to rebalance the relationship so it is adult-adult.)

laundryelf · 08/03/2023 07:24

So many nasty, judgmental posts on this thread. Please ignore them, do what you need to to get through this tough time. I hope things improve for you and your plans for September go well.

PinkTonic · 08/03/2023 07:25

Angelik · 08/03/2023 06:17

Jesus christ. You're missing the whole point of everything really and massively judging the OP and anyone in a similar position. People shouldn't have to work endlessly just to stay warm and eat. Yes yes yes I know your parents did it bit I bet they wish they didn't HAVE to. The fact that anyone has to use a food bank in this supposedly developed country is shameful. Thar is what you should be commenting on. Not telling the OP to work more. Her family deserve quality of life too you know.

Show quote history

They’re both working part time. That’s a luxury most of us couldn’t afford. It’s highly possible that the OPs parents don’t help out because they won’t support her poor choices. You only hear one side of the story on here.

Axahooxa · 08/03/2023 07:26

YANBU!!
You should get whatever help you need and good on you for doing so.

Foodbanks are for ANYONE who needs them.

Plirtle · 08/03/2023 07:27

I must say both working part time seems like a luxury- aren't there childcare vouchers?

Axahooxa · 08/03/2023 07:27

Oh stop criticizing part time working- that’s not your business. They have a child and no family help.

Plirtle · 08/03/2023 07:28

Axahooxa · 08/03/2023 07:27

Oh stop criticizing part time working- that’s not your business. They have a child and no family help.

It became my business when the OP started a thread on a public Internet forum.

Rosula · 08/03/2023 07:29

When your mother refuses to help, have you tried asking how how come she will help your sister in similar circumstances?

Florissant · 08/03/2023 07:29

Plirtle · 08/03/2023 07:28

It became my business when the OP started a thread on a public Internet forum.

Show quote history

Well put.

Axahooxa · 08/03/2023 07:29

I put a few things in a food bank yesterday and would be very pleased to have helped you out by doing so.

Do pp realize how many people are using these things? Civil servants, teachers… it’s not just unemployed people.

Okunevo · 08/03/2023 07:30

Plirtle · 08/03/2023 07:28

It became my business when the OP started a thread on a public Internet forum.

Show quote history

Also, posting in AIBU means the OP is after honest opinions not just support.

Axahooxa · 08/03/2023 07:30

@Plirtle no- she didn’t ask for a critique of her whole situation.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 08/03/2023 07:31

Wow there’s some really callous people on here. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down.

Covid fucked things up for many people, so many of us could be in OPs place but hopefully most have a supportive family and friends. OP doesn’t.

Not have have her family met her down, her ‘friend’ has also tried to reinforce the message from her family, then she comes here looking for reassurance and gets a further kicking.

kateandme · 08/03/2023 07:31

op you dont need to explain why you "arent working more. to anyone. not on here either. everyone on here telling her she needs to work more.or surely she could work or earn more.
some people are working all they can
some are ill
some have circumstances,
fuck off and stop snyding at them.picking at them with the oh so innocent questions about her working ability/life/hours...breaking little chunks off anywhere you can.
the op has explained her situation enough.
she earns what she does.
would she love to not need the food bank?what do we think?
lay off.

op im sorry your going through this. and of course you need to go and feeds your family in anyway you need to.
your mother is cruel.
get yourself well and the best revenge will be come when you can finally get on the stright and narrow.you did it with no help from her.and you can smnugly walk away from any comments she deems to put down to you.
no mother treats her children like that.leave her to it.

its not going to help you get well if you have to deal with that kind of cruelty aswell

Inkpotlover · 08/03/2023 07:32

Cut whoever said it out of your life along with your vile, narcissistic DM.

Barbecuebeans · 08/03/2023 07:32

Plirtle · 08/03/2023 07:18

I'm sorry to hear this. However, you have a dp and his parents should also be expected to step up. It's not fair to blame your own parents completely. Personally I would help ny own children if I was in a position to. Perhaps your parents resent the fact that your dps parents aren't helping much either.

What about your dad? It always seems to be the mum that gets blamed on these money threads.

The OP has explained why his parents can't help.

OP many people don't understand narcissistic families. I'd ignore any comments on here that don't get it. Also there are a range of other people on MN that come on to bash OPs. They repeatedly post. I'd ignore them too.

Your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend to me, either. You need support when you're struggling, not criticism. It sounds like you have a good plan to get you through to September, when things will improve. When you are better, is it worth looking at least one of you retraining so you can earn a bit more doing a less demanding job? Maybe studying in the evenings?

Narcissistic families are terrible to live with, especially if you're the scapegoat. It sounds like your mother delights in prioritising your sister. Your sibling(s) don't sound very nice either, accepting all the parental support while not helping you at all. However that's common too in narcissistic families, where siblings are encouraged to turn on one another.

I regularly support foodbanks because I'm lucky enough to afford to. You are exactly the kind of families I want to support: fallen on hard times and fighting to get themselves out of a difficult situation. It's easy to judge rather than help.

Also, have you considered getting help as well from Sikh temples: they have a practice of providing food to those in need without asking for proof or judging.

Okunevo · 08/03/2023 07:33

Axahooxa · 08/03/2023 07:29

I put a few things in a food bank yesterday and would be very pleased to have helped you out by doing so.

Do pp realize how many people are using these things? Civil servants, teachers… it’s not just unemployed people.

So did I, I'm on little above minimum wage myself but I've used a foodbank in the past and want to help those in a worse situation to myself.

Original poster
Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 07:34

Dh works sat 8-6, sun 9-4, Mon 8-6 and tues 8-6.
I work wed, Thu, Fri 930-4
In sep/oct (whenever youngest is full time and settled) I’ll be able to add an extra day and dh can work more so this is temporary but I need to have the time between now and then to make sure my health is ok

OP posts:
Againstmachine · 08/03/2023 07:34

If I was your family I would want to help,however I would want you to be doing everything you can to help yourself.

At the moment with you being skint and you both working part time you aren't doing everything to help yourself at all, so one of you needs to step up and work full time.