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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

638 replies

Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:18

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 08/03/2023 07:56

People completely missing (or wilfully or ignoring?) the fact OPs DH works 36hrs a week so hardly "part time" Confused

He works 4 days and she works the other 3.

She's recovering from an accident so he needs to be there on the evenings of the day she's been at work.

If they are on such incomes that they are having to use food banks then it's unlikely that him working on days she does would even cover the cost of childcare on those days.

Honestly some people are really hard of critical thinking.

Okunevo · 08/03/2023 07:56

Some responses seem to think you should both be working 24 hours a day. The concept of the deserving and undeserving poor is never far away.
Absolutely no one has suggested this or anything close.

Justmeandthedog1 · 08/03/2023 07:57

I understand, my parents would have been the same. Their attitude was you’ve made your bed…etc.. and they’d have been …happy might not be the right word…satisfied? smugly satisfied? to see me struggling.
It’s no one’s business who uses a food bank or for what reason. I hope things get easier for you.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 07:57

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 07:55

Working part time is a luxury op. Why is your dp only working for half the week?

Foodbanks are for emergency use, not for people that choose to work part time.

You need to find a way to increase your hours. Working from home possibly to accommodate your health needs. Your dp needs to start working properly. I understand why your friend feels like she does tbh, it looks like you are taking advantage

Because they can’t afford childcare, because the OP is recovering from a health issue and the husband works 37 hours over four days, which is basically condensed full-time hours. They work alternate days so they can look after the kids.

FrangipaniBlue · 08/03/2023 07:57

Working part time is a luxury op. Why is your dp only working for half the week?

@Springchicken75 there's a filter feature that will allow you to read all of the OPs updates and see the very obvious answer to this

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 07:58

I don’t think you’ve bothered to read the OP’s posts have you @Springchicken75? Or if you have, you’ve certainly not taken them in. You pair is judgmental and all your ‘enquiries’ are already answered.

Okunevo · 08/03/2023 07:58

People completely missing (or wilfully or ignoring?) the fact OPs DH works 36hrs a week so hardly "part time"
It was the OP who said part time.

BertHandsome · 08/03/2023 07:59

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2023 07:53

So your partner works 37 hours pw? I'd say that is full time.

Glad someone else was thinking this too. Even taking away time for breaks it's not far off full time. He is also caring for children when OP works / after she finishes because she is unwell. OP is STILL working despite being unwell but of course that isn't enough.

People don't use foodbanks for the fun of it, it's humiliating and makes you feel like a failure, especially the first few times you go. OP, do NOT feel any shame from ANYONE, be that 'friend' family or randoms on MN.

If this is a one off, foot in mouth situation from friend, I'd maybe give her another chance BUT explain to her why she upset you, and educate her. You parents sound ghastly, go No Contact with them for your own sake.

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 08:00

We work 45-50 hours that is a full time job. Certainly 49 hours is the norm. 36 hours isn’t full time, he needs to work longer hours to pay for food! It’s as simple as that.

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 08:01

**Certainly 40 hours is the norm

Namechangedagain20 · 08/03/2023 08:01

Are you getting the nursery hours? If your youngest is reception in September you should be.

Aside from that YANBU. Your family sound awful and if you need fo use food banks then do.

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 08:02

If you can’t afford food you need to work more. It’s not hard to work out. Dp should step up if op is ill.

Georgieporgie29 · 08/03/2023 08:02

49 hours is not the norm for full time but well done 🏅 @Springchicken75 good for you for not needing a food bank.

god some people have zero empathy.

Maxwelll · 08/03/2023 08:02

The DH works around 33 hours per week, people are forgetting he will have unpaid lunch/breaks in there. When you work 9-5:30pm that's 42.5 hours per week but with an hour lunch each day it's 37.5 hour per week paid. The DH is 1 day short of full time.

If the OP would have put in her opening post that he works 4 days a week I think she would have got different responses. It's part time yes, but closer to full time as its only really a day short.

TessoftheDubonnet · 08/03/2023 08:02

Every full-time job I've ever had was 35 hours...

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 08:02

Georgieporgie29 · 08/03/2023 08:02

49 hours is not the norm for full time but well done 🏅 @Springchicken75 good for you for not needing a food bank.

god some people have zero empathy.

Look at my update duh

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 08:02

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 08:00

We work 45-50 hours that is a full time job. Certainly 49 hours is the norm. 36 hours isn’t full time, he needs to work longer hours to pay for food! It’s as simple as that.

Wake up. A standard full time contract is 37 hours. Judy because in your role you’re mugged off and have to put in 50 hours, does not mean that’s the norm.

Bigminnie1 · 08/03/2023 08:03

Littlefaeries · 08/03/2023 06:31

OP if you need the foodbank then use it and ignore judgement by others including pp's on here who don't know your health issues.
A food bank is for people who haven't got enough food whatever the circumstances.

Even if I thought my dc could work more there's no way I'd let their dc, my dgc, go without food.
Your parents are nasty.
Hope things improve for you.

100% this. So many posts at the moment of awful parents who refuse to help their struggling children while they treat others or have piles of cash.
I am so thankful that I come from a warm loving family and married into one where we all help each other at the drop of a hat- emotionally, physically or financially.

OP- you have done nothing wrong. Your 'friend' is unpleasant and your parents are vile. I hope things improve for you.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 08/03/2023 08:03

Axahooxa · 08/03/2023 07:29

I put a few things in a food bank yesterday and would be very pleased to have helped you out by doing so.

Do pp realize how many people are using these things? Civil servants, teachers… it’s not just unemployed people.

This is the exact reason I stopped donating to foodbanks. Not because of op but because people who earn double what I do use them.

Georgieporgie29 · 08/03/2023 08:03

This reply has been deleted

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Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 08:03

Maxwelll · 08/03/2023 08:02

The DH works around 33 hours per week, people are forgetting he will have unpaid lunch/breaks in there. When you work 9-5:30pm that's 42.5 hours per week but with an hour lunch each day it's 37.5 hour per week paid. The DH is 1 day short of full time.

If the OP would have put in her opening post that he works 4 days a week I think she would have got different responses. It's part time yes, but closer to full time as its only really a day short.

Well why be one day short if you can’t afford to feed your children? Clearly they need to work more.

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 08:04

This reply has been deleted

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Eloquent too congratulations 😂

Bigminnie1 · 08/03/2023 08:05

Florissant · 08/03/2023 07:01

This isn't an AIBU as much as it is a series of complaints by the OP about their family.

Really? Is that how you would treat your children if they were struggling? You think it's ok that her siblings are helped and she's not while obviously struggling? Really?

Ponoka7 · 08/03/2023 08:06

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 08:00

We work 45-50 hours that is a full time job. Certainly 49 hours is the norm. 36 hours isn’t full time, he needs to work longer hours to pay for food! It’s as simple as that.

He can't because he has caring responsibilities. The OP's family situation is who food banks and extra help is target at. A temporary lift to help through difficult times. Things will change in September.

Namechangedagain20 · 08/03/2023 08:07

@Springchicken75 37.5 hours is full time. That’s the equivalent of 40 hours (so 9-5 Monday to Friday) with a half hour unpaid break for lunch each day. That is standard full time hours. That’s been the same in every job I’ve ever worked and the same as my partners and families jobs. Over 37.5 is working overtime. You used to have to sign a form to agree work more than 48 hours at one place I worked as that was considered a maximum people should work.

And the OP has stated she had an accident and has now got health issues so her consultant has advised her on working hours for now. She needs to recover. She explained that circumstances were different before her accident. You can’t just tell people to work more if circumstances beyond their control mean they can’t.