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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

289 replies

UlrikaUmbridge · 07/03/2023 23:37

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

OP posts:
MassiveCupOfCoffee · 07/03/2023 23:42

I think she should pay you rent but I don't think it's reasonable to tell a 21 year old she has to be home by 10pm or else stay elsewhere. She needs to learn how to come in and lock the door quietly!

Is the heating only on for 3 hours a day? Apologies if I've misread.

Anyway it should be getting warmer soon so heating issue should resolve.

CheshireCats · 07/03/2023 23:46

You are very unreasonable to say she has to be in my 10 or stay out. It's her home.

Dartmoorcheffy · 07/03/2023 23:49

If she's going to pay rent then she should be entitled to come and go as she pleases, albeit with a bit of consideration regarding noise late at night. If she's not paying rent then she can't really moan about your rules. Regarding the heating, it's a basement which I expect is cold and if she has clients there then surely she would need to have it comfortably warm for them.

DojaPhat · 07/03/2023 23:49

YANBU apart from the 10pm rule. Surely she can come in quietly it's that she has no respect for you/others in the home.

There's a step parenting board here with similar tales. There's nothing you can do without the backing of your husband. Step parents are built of stronger stuff though because this would be my undoing.

Landndialamrhf · 07/03/2023 23:53

I think some of the rules are BU
i also think it’s fairly normal behaviour for someone her age. It’s up to DH to put boundaries in place, and to have her understand the impact her actions have on the rest of the house.
how can he ever have a healthy relationship with her or model good relationships if she is being taught it’s ok to emotionally blackmail people rather than address issues.

Dudum · 07/03/2023 23:55

The 10pm rule and the no heating in the morning is ridiculous

Appleblum · 07/03/2023 23:57

Your rules are unreasonable though. 10pm curfew, really? Heating only on for 3 hours a day, in the basement?

If she runs a business there then as a client I'd expect it to be warm and comfortable.

I think she should learn to come in quietly and respect your request regarding her boyfriend staying over, but you should also relook your rules.

MrsDoylesDoily · 08/03/2023 00:01

Fuck me, the 10 o' clock rule and the heating is draconian!

Dinkleberg · 08/03/2023 00:01

Some of your rules are slightly ridiculous.

MrsDoylesDoily · 08/03/2023 00:02

I'm having trouble marrying up the 'loving maternal figure' with the same woman who wants those completely unreasonable rules in place.

Scienceadvisory · 08/03/2023 00:02

I would be walking out of a hairdressers if it was really cold. Which in this case it likely would be seeing as its a basement and the heating doesn't go on until 5pm. Sabotaging her business won't help you.

It's also ridiculous to give a 21 year old a curfew, especially a 10pm one.

Unfortunately your husband has spoilt her and given into her tantrums. She should be paying rent so I would focus on that issue first.

Dinkleberg · 08/03/2023 00:02

I mean, imposing a 10pm curfew on a 21 year old, and only having the heating on for three hours in the evening? Very rigid and unreasonable.

Willdenytothedeath · 08/03/2023 00:09

No one will want their hair done in a freezing cold salon for a start!

You are being unreasonable and very controlling.

dutysuite · 08/03/2023 00:09

I have to say I also think the 10pm curfew and heating situation is ridiculous as well as unreasonable.

Eyerollcentral · 08/03/2023 00:10

‘if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.’ these rules are crackers for a 21 year old. Also yes the heat needs to be on for her to run a business for gods sake, would you go to a hair dresser that was freezing??? She needs to pay her keep but you need to loosen up majorly. You and your husband were the ones who wanted her to stay. It’s completely mad to ask a 21 year old to be home by ten but it’s acceptable to ask her to be quiet. I can’t blame her for running away to her mum’s, despite all your ‘open arms’ protestations you sound very hard.

Novatherova · 08/03/2023 00:11

If my mum told me to be home by 10pm or stay elsewhere at the age of 21 I'd laugh my head off.

That is absolutely ridiculous. Who on earth does that? And the heating rule....your poor children. It's minus 14 outside.

And by the sounds of it, if you can afford to build a studio and business premises in the basement, then you can afford to put your heating on.

Loving mother figure also would not be jealous of her 21 year old going on holiday and buying clothes.

Bring up the rent situation but everything else is laughable and quite frankly very weird.

10 pm curfew for 21 year old get a grip.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/03/2023 00:19

I think she's not unreasonable about the heating, but she should be covering that on top of the agreed rent. A 10pm curfew isn't reasonable either, buy there's no reason she should be waking others when she comes in and she should be paying rent.

HirplesWithHaggis · 08/03/2023 00:25

She's not very mobile if she's working from your basement.

HollaHolla · 08/03/2023 00:26

The curfew is the thing that really sticks out for me. It’s completely unreasonable. 20 years ago, I lived at home, at 21. I could stay out as late as I wanted, but I had to let my mum know, so she knew I wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere. That wasn’t unreasonable. I paid £250 out of my £1000 a month, in rent. I got heating, laundry and food for that (I know my parents were generous - and didn’t actually NEED the money.) My long term boyfriend stayed 2-3 nights a week as well.

If she’s running a business, that would be almost separate for me. I’d be saying she could have the heating on as much as she wanted, but agree an hourly rate. I wouldn’t want my hair done in a freezing salon. Assuming that she pays for other running costs, so heat should be one of them.

Fifi0000 · 08/03/2023 00:27

Oh my gosh , hopefully your DSD will quickly move out you sound like a nightmare. How can you build a business if the heatings only on for 3 hours a day? Clients want to be warm , the 10pm curfew and babysitting is ridiculous she's 21 !

SoShallINever · 08/03/2023 00:27

What are the tax implications for you all?

Fraaahnces · 08/03/2023 00:33

This is a DH problem. You need to give HIM notice that she is going to have to either start paying rent or you are going to dismantle the studio, sell the equipment and she can move out, work for another salon.

DahliaRose3 · 08/03/2023 00:41

You sound very controlling, little wonder she is rebelling and acting out. My mother was overprotective and controlling too, I HATED it and resented her. It’s unreasonable to keep treating her as a child, but expect her to act as an adult for the boring bits.

The heating situation - petty and stingy; she needs a nice salon and why should she be cold?

Boyfriend staying over - rather have him there than have her being unsafe elsewhere. At least she’s under your roof & it’s totally normal to have him over.

The curfew is ridiculous. If she is old enough to have a job and pay rent then she is old enough to not have a curfew.

It’s normal for young adults to spend frivolously, though I do think she should contribute.

She doesn’t have life all figured out yet, and that’s okay. It must be really hard not having her mother to rely on. I understand you’re annoyed with her behaviour, but your behaviour isn’t great either. Though you have clearly tried to help, you need to loosen that grip, be more loving and understanding.

HamBone · 08/03/2023 00:47

I agree with PP's that you need to separate the business and the home "rules."

Re. The business. She needs to start paying rent for her premises and take financial responsibility for all the expenses associated with the business. Your DH has been kind enough to build (and presumably equip) a salon for her, now she has to fully run it. She does need to put the heating on before her clients arrive, so you'll have to work out how much she needs to pay for her portion of that bill every month. Plus the rent and contributing to the electricity and water bills.

If she doesn't like that arrangement, she can find premises elsewhere.

On the home front, you can't expect her to be home by 10 every evening, she's an adult. What she can do is come in quietly and not bang doors. You don't have to host her bf several times a week if you don't want to, though, she can always stay with him.

Tbh, it might be good for your SD if she did move out and get her own premises, as then she appreciate the true costs of running a business, and how lucky she is to have a family willing to build a salon for her.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 08/03/2023 00:50

It sounds like she was doing alright for herself until she was dragged back into the family home and treat like a 15 year old.