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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

289 replies

UlrikaUmbridge · 07/03/2023 23:37

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

OP posts:
MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 08/03/2023 00:54

You want her to babysit one night a week so you can go out, in exchange for her boyfriend staying a couple of nights a week?

You want her to run a business in the freezing cold, and be cold all day until 5pm?

You want her to come home at 10pm or stay out all night?

You're not really the loving maternal figure you seem to think you are.

saraclara · 08/03/2023 00:55

How bizarre. I mean, obviously she should be paying her bills. No excuse for her not doing. Someone needs to sit with her while she sets up a direct debit.

But a 10pm curfew for a 21 year old? You're potentially putting her in danger there. If she followed your rule but got home at 10:15, what do you expect her to do?'
And of course a basement salon needs to be heated. I'd not go back to a hairdresser where I'd had to sit in the cold.

HamBone · 08/03/2023 00:57

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 08/03/2023 00:50

It sounds like she was doing alright for herself until she was dragged back into the family home and treat like a 15 year old.

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy Would you consider building someone a salon and a studio flat "dragging back"? I think most people would love to have a business premises built for them free of charge, I wouldn't say no! 😁

The problem is that they're not separating the business needs from their home life (e.g., the heating) and I agree that they're treating her like a teenager - and she's behaving like an inconsiderate teenager.

Relaxd · 08/03/2023 00:57

The curfew is too much, she’s not a teenager but an adult. The salon at home without heating is also short sighted. Better to encourage her to rent a seat at a salon and get some independence away from you both perhaps! Or up the rent to cover the heating.

HirplesWithHaggis · 08/03/2023 01:01

Re the heating, she doesn't need to have the central heating on (warming the whole house) but she does need warmth. Would an oil-filled heater or two do? Either way she needs to be paying towards her bills.

HamBone · 08/03/2023 01:01

@Relaxd And she needs to pay the rent, which she hasn't actually done yet.

It's a right mess, tbh, and I agree that renting a chair in a salon might be a far easier solution - although having a salon built for you is pretty amazing.

Dartmoorcheffy · 08/03/2023 01:14

Wonder if the OP will return.

NumberTheory · 08/03/2023 01:20

We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

Sounds like your SD has been required to suppress her emotions because your Dad wanted someone to do the hard bit of parenting. And when she got old enough to do something about it she just flew off the rails in terms of consideration for others - which isn’t surprising given that she hasn’t really been shown consideration.

From the little you’ve shared it would seem your rules are draconian and unreasonable; her dad is an idiot who gives in because he doesn’t know how to really bond with his DD; and she does sound like a bit of a brat with the flying off to her mum’s when things get too much and the banging doors when she comes in, but it’s not clear she has had a safe, stable place to feel loved since she was 10 (possible long before) so it’s not entirely surprising.

Original poster
UlrikaUmbridge · 08/03/2023 01:21

Thank you everyone for the advice

RE the curfew- we would happily let her come and go as she pleases if she didn’t slam doors, turn the TV on at a not high but unnecessary volume, cook £10 worth of food for her and her boyfriend and leave a mess. The thing is if she does this at say 3am in the morning and she wakes our 5 year old- you can guarantee he won’t go back down, which means he falls asleep by lunchtime in school and me and DH are exhausted when we both work full time. We have tried “you wake the kids, you deal with them” but we just get scoffed at.

RE her boyfriend- again, we would happily let him stay more if he contributed towards the foods they eat, the extra water/electric costs. Like I said we aren’t a BNB and a free ride for him which I think SD wants so they have more money to spend when he’s not paying rent. We both work our arses off and things are tight, he isn’t our responsibility and there has been times we have gone to make lunches for our children we are under obligation to feed, and have had to pop out at 7am at extra expense and makes the morning routine rushed and stressed.

RE heating- the basement isn’t cold. It’s fully insulated, thick carpets installed. It’s not “warm” but you could sit there in a jumper and be comfortable. There is no need for her to have the heating on full time- if she paid, fine, but she isnt

OP posts:
Sshiamreading · 08/03/2023 01:22

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 08/03/2023 00:54

You want her to babysit one night a week so you can go out, in exchange for her boyfriend staying a couple of nights a week?

You want her to run a business in the freezing cold, and be cold all day until 5pm?

You want her to come home at 10pm or stay out all night?

You're not really the loving maternal figure you seem to think you are.

This.

Appalling attitude really.

Eyerollcentral · 08/03/2023 01:35

UlrikaUmbridge · 08/03/2023 01:21

Thank you everyone for the advice

RE the curfew- we would happily let her come and go as she pleases if she didn’t slam doors, turn the TV on at a not high but unnecessary volume, cook £10 worth of food for her and her boyfriend and leave a mess. The thing is if she does this at say 3am in the morning and she wakes our 5 year old- you can guarantee he won’t go back down, which means he falls asleep by lunchtime in school and me and DH are exhausted when we both work full time. We have tried “you wake the kids, you deal with them” but we just get scoffed at.

RE her boyfriend- again, we would happily let him stay more if he contributed towards the foods they eat, the extra water/electric costs. Like I said we aren’t a BNB and a free ride for him which I think SD wants so they have more money to spend when he’s not paying rent. We both work our arses off and things are tight, he isn’t our responsibility and there has been times we have gone to make lunches for our children we are under obligation to feed, and have had to pop out at 7am at extra expense and makes the morning routine rushed and stressed.

RE heating- the basement isn’t cold. It’s fully insulated, thick carpets installed. It’s not “warm” but you could sit there in a jumper and be comfortable. There is no need for her to have the heating on full time- if she paid, fine, but she isnt

Just ask her to move out it’s not working. But no it’s not fine to leave a business premises unheated during the day. They need to be warm

Alstoybarn · 08/03/2023 01:37

Sorry but I agree with pp. Your contempt shines through and a little narcisism. Seems too common on here there days. Like just marry someone childless if you can't love your partners kids like your own!

fairgame84 · 08/03/2023 01:40

I wouldn't want to sit in a cold hairdressers with wet hair. You can't seriously expect her to tell her clients to put on a jumper.

macbooks · 08/03/2023 01:41

It makes sense for her to put the heating on as there’s other people who will be coming over and might not be able to tolerate the cold temperature! Ultimately clients will either stop going to her, or leave her a bad review. It’s not far fetched. It’s a fucking basement. The carpets being thick is not relevant. I pay £1000s on my hair yearly, I’m not sitting in a cold dingy room for the pleasure when every other hair dresser offers heating by default.

Also you wrote she moved out before then your husband asked her to move into the basement? So this sounds like a problem of your own creation really. He clearly wants her there.

macbooks · 08/03/2023 01:42

Also she’s an adult at 21, you can’t put restrictions on who she has over or what time she’s allowed to access the property as it’s her HOME. It’s ridiculous that you say if she isn’t home by X time she needs to sleep somewhere else, like that’s even a feasible reality! Where’s she supposed to go other than the streets? Like everyone has backup properties they have access to for random overnight stays.

frankly you come across as controlling and bitter of her youth.

ootb · 08/03/2023 01:45

No comment on the other issues but can she pay just for the heating at least? I generally want to be nice and comfortable in a place where I'm spending my money.

Rachie1973 · 08/03/2023 01:45

She moved out. Why on earth did your DH request she come back?

Is she living in the basement flat?

Boohisspiss · 08/03/2023 01:46

A freezing cold basement is with thick carpets covered in hair…🤢

macbooks · 08/03/2023 01:48

Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

you have clearly oversold this in your post. It sounds like she just has a glorified bedroom. Why would she otherwise need to access the household fridge and TV if she has her own “flat”? Surely she would have her own fridge of food and appliances if she had an actual studio flat. Stop acting like she has all the bells and whistles.

ootb · 08/03/2023 01:49

Rachie1973 · 08/03/2023 01:45

She moved out. Why on earth did your DH request she come back?

Is she living in the basement flat?

I can understand her attitude as well. From your pov, building her the flat and not charging rent is a massive favour for her life/career (and it is).

From her pov, which isn't wrong either, she had moved out and was doing fine with a good job, but your DH built her the flat to bribe her to come back. Essentially her living with your DH (and putting up with you) is a favour she's doing.

You both think you're doing each other a massive favour.

ootb · 08/03/2023 01:53

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

Not to pick on your post, but why is this in present tense? Is it still happening? Didn't she move out a year ago as she's now an adult? I know it's a small phrasing issue, but it does show you still think of her as a child.

It might be best to cut the apron strings at least for a few years, not try to trap her at home, so you both have space to build a more normal relationship dynamic between 2 adults.

HamBone · 08/03/2023 02:03

It might be best to cut the apron strings at least for a few years, not try to trap her at home, so you both have space to build a more normal relationship dynamic between 2 adults.

@ootb That seems like the best solution.

macbooks · 08/03/2023 02:06

Did you not implement separate heating facilities for the basement if you purpose-built it to be a salon and studio flat? You should have thought about the layout and entrance so her and her clients can come and go without disturbing the rest of the household. She was always going to need to go through the house to access the basement. Now you’re mad that she’s apparently loudly using doors to get to the basement when that could be normal noise (especially when a business is being ran!)

She works from home all day. You want her to be in the house by 10pm. So you’re giving her a short window of time to experience the outside world after work - a few hours! That’s not reasonable tbh. Especially if you only let her boyfriend stay over on weekends, so it’s another pin in her calendar for being forced to stay home and inside by 10pm.

Guavafish1 · 08/03/2023 02:11

I think she should pay rent and respect your house rules.

I understand the 10pm rule due to other children and also the BF rule seems sensible.

I think your partner needs to grow a back bone and get his daughter to move out.

She has no respect for the family or the rules.

HamBone · 08/03/2023 02:19

@macbooks I think the slamming doors issue only applies to when her SD comes home after a night out. I have the impression that there's a separate business entrance to the salon, her clients don't walk through the house.

No one should slam doors when they come home after a night out, it would be the same if she was sharing with flat mates, you try to be quiet when other people are asleep. The 10 p.m. curfew is daft though and I agree that unless they make some major changes, this setup isn't working for anyone.

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