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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

289 replies

UlrikaUmbridge · 07/03/2023 23:37

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

OP posts:
Moser85 · 08/03/2023 04:32

@macbooks
She hasn't paid a penny in rent though.

Nimbostratus100 · 08/03/2023 04:33

How can she be costing you £100 a week?

MichelleScarn · 08/03/2023 04:34

Is she being forced to live and run her salon from the house?
Maybe suggest she'd have more fun and. Autonomy if she did what countless other 21 yo are doing. Get a job/rent a chair in another salon, rent a teeny flat with some friends/colleagues. Take some responsibility then for her own bills and lifestyle?
Or would she not go for this as all the fun and shopping would no doubt have to stop?!

Madamecastafiore · 08/03/2023 05:16

Did he have the same sort of contract for his 'help' in UAE?

America12 · 08/03/2023 05:22

Nimbostratus100 · 08/03/2023 04:33

How can she be costing you £100 a week?

Easily with all the bills and food for her and her boyfriend , if she has the hearing on from 9am. She needs to pay rent or leave.

Snugglemonkey · 08/03/2023 05:33

Eyerollcentral · 08/03/2023 00:10

‘if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.’ these rules are crackers for a 21 year old. Also yes the heat needs to be on for her to run a business for gods sake, would you go to a hair dresser that was freezing??? She needs to pay her keep but you need to loosen up majorly. You and your husband were the ones who wanted her to stay. It’s completely mad to ask a 21 year old to be home by ten but it’s acceptable to ask her to be quiet. I can’t blame her for running away to her mum’s, despite all your ‘open arms’ protestations you sound very hard.

This.

Suzi888 · 08/03/2023 05:38

Your house, your rules. Let her go back to her mother if she isn’t happy or rent elsewhere. She’s 21, she works, no excuses.

Snugglemonkey · 08/03/2023 05:46

Eyerollcentral · 08/03/2023 03:04

Yeah, ever since the previous poster pointed it out I can’t get my head round what this ‘salon’ looks like. Who in their right mind puts carpet in a hair dressing salon? I do think that the salon and mini studio (which doesn’t appear to have kitchen facilities so is what a bedroom with an en-suite?) actually amounts to. Sounds like a bit of a bodge job

Show quote history

It does. If it is a proper business facility it should have a separate power supply. The costs of the salon are tax deductible. How are the costs being figured out for tax returns? What about insurance? Especially public liability insurance?
Why is there no kitchen in this flat? Why is she watching TV upstairs if she has a flat? Is it just a bedroom?

BeethovenNinth · 08/03/2023 05:47

I don’t understand the heating timings. Are you saying no heating except at night but she runs her business from home?

DrHousecuredme · 08/03/2023 05:55

So she moved out and was living independently and working as a mobile hairdresser then your dh enticed her back but now you resent her and have put all sorts of rules in place?

I think perhaps it would be kinder and better for everybody's relationships to let her fly the nest. Is that something she still wants to do?

Zanatdy · 08/03/2023 05:57

Your DH needs to grow a backbone and tell her she’s paying expenses for her business. I get that she wants it warm for clients. You can’t expect them to sit there freezing, she’s right it is bad for business. But she needs to be paying for that. She’s making an income but got no expenses, that’s totally unrealistic and things need to change.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable expecting her to babysit once a week when you’re supplementing her business so she’s got tons of cash to spend how she likes. Re coming in late I wouldn’t like that either. Nothing worse on a week night than someone making a ton of noise and leaving a huge mess for someone else to clean. Reminds me of lockdown in my house when my teens turned nocturnal.

cloudsandream · 08/03/2023 05:59

Typical MN always rushing to the defence of stepchildren despite their behaviour Confused. Being at that age, with an income, and paying fuck all towards rent is taking the piss. Had this been OPs bio child the responses would be entirely different, but stepparents are always shit on, god forbid they have rules and standards. Slamming doors, eating all the food, and complaining about heating whilst not providing a penny is quite frankly, absurd.

Newusernameaug · 08/03/2023 06:03

YABU 10pm, heating only between 5-8? All 5 of your children will also be kicking off if you treat them all like this

Eyerollcentral · 08/03/2023 06:04

cloudsandream · 08/03/2023 05:59

Typical MN always rushing to the defence of stepchildren despite their behaviour Confused. Being at that age, with an income, and paying fuck all towards rent is taking the piss. Had this been OPs bio child the responses would be entirely different, but stepparents are always shit on, god forbid they have rules and standards. Slamming doors, eating all the food, and complaining about heating whilst not providing a penny is quite frankly, absurd.

Spot the step mother. I think everyone has said she needs to pay rent and be respectful. Genuinely cannot believe that’s what you have taken from the responses on this thread. What do you think about the step mother’s conduct? Would you require an adult to be in by 10pm and ask them to run a business in a freezing basement? Oh and babysit one night a week?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 08/03/2023 06:04

She is contributing to some extent through free babysitting. It sounds like it easiest for her to move out and have more freedom and you find yourself another babysitter.

ootb · 08/03/2023 06:10

cloudsandream · 08/03/2023 05:59

Typical MN always rushing to the defence of stepchildren despite their behaviour Confused. Being at that age, with an income, and paying fuck all towards rent is taking the piss. Had this been OPs bio child the responses would be entirely different, but stepparents are always shit on, god forbid they have rules and standards. Slamming doors, eating all the food, and complaining about heating whilst not providing a penny is quite frankly, absurd.

I genuinely think the responses would have been just as harsh for a bio child. If your adult child (whether step or biological) has already moved out with a good job, but then you try and get them to come back to live with you and follow draconian rules like being home by 10pm... At best you have some major issues, at worst it's a well-intentioned but silly idea for everyone involved.

memorial · 08/03/2023 06:18

You expect a 21yr old to be in at 10pm? Are you serious?
And no heating in a salon? Yes it is bad for business? It's bloody freezing.
Sounds bonkers.

Therealjudgejudy · 08/03/2023 06:19

Is she paying her taxes, business rates and insurance?

This would be a worry if not...

Ameadowwalk · 08/03/2023 06:26

DrHousecuredme · 08/03/2023 05:55

So she moved out and was living independently and working as a mobile hairdresser then your dh enticed her back but now you resent her and have put all sorts of rules in place?

I think perhaps it would be kinder and better for everybody's relationships to let her fly the nest. Is that something she still wants to do?

This is what I think, it sounds very controlling.
There’s been a nasty divorce where two children were taken out of the country of their mother, one of the children is being home-schooled (maybe reasons for that, but who sorts this out?), and the young woman has been doing fine for herself but has now to run her salon out of the family home - which causes issues because the electricity and everything is not actually set up separately. What was the actual point of converting the basement for her if she was able to run her business herself outside the house?

ASimpleLampoon · 08/03/2023 06:32

Firstly, what is the timeline between your DH leaving his wife and meeting you? Was there an overlap? Were you the OW? Even if the marriage had broken down by the time you met I think this is relevant. An SD won't understand the nuances and shouldn't have to, but if you were on the scene before or not long after the marriage ended then that may be the cause of some resentment and that's on you to address.

If you are relying on her for childcare once a week then i can see how she might feel entitled to reductions in paying utilities. She's a sister not a third parent. Does she have the option to refuse this? Perhaps get a babysitter or work out a fair reduction that everyone is happy with.

She's 21 so I can see how having to be in at 10 and having to sneak in guests would annoy her as it's supposed to be her home too.

I'd love to hear her side of this to be honest. Lots of missing missing reasons here potentially as to why she may be unhappy.

Angebot · 08/03/2023 06:50

She shouldn't have a curfew at her age and no heating whilst she has her business is ridiculous.However ...
She should be paying you a lot and being quiet. Have another sit down and set some.boundaties but she's 21 , let jer ne a 21 yr old. Life isn't all about work

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/03/2023 06:53

I've never heard of a hair schlong fully carpeted, sounds very unhygienic if true!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/03/2023 06:53

SALON Wtf

Prescottdanni123 · 08/03/2023 06:53

I wouldn't want to sit in a not cold, but not warm either, hair salon. I would want a warm one. Expecting clients to come in a jumper isn't on so I can understand why she is frustrated with that.

She had moved out and was doing well for herself with a good job. Had probably got used to having her own freedom to come and go at whatever times she liked. I don't understand why your DH had to roll the boat by bringing her back home.

kateandme · 08/03/2023 07:01

she deff needs to be able tp put the heating on in the morning! there is nothing worse for clients,especially beauty if the places is bloody cold.
she is living as an adult but in a studio /type way,this is still seperate. she can come and go as she pleases.10pm.pah.no way can you ask her to do that.
and she did move out and your dh asked her and built it so she came back.
i think with all the UR bits your putting aross im not suprised she is being so right back tbh.
you sound like you dont like her anymore.or resent her?
the running back to mummy bit is kind of cruel.if shes had a shit time why shouldnt she,at any age run to her mother. its not her fault then that her mum cant give her the nurturing she needs so she comes back. but sounds like she doesnt get it here either.

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