To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

[UlrikaUmbridge]

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

Curfew and your ridiculous refusal to allow her to heat her business premises apart, why on earth are you not sitting her down (again) and telling her that if she doesn't pay proper rent, then she gets her own salon chair elsewhere? And her own place, frankly. It's laughable that your providing all this for no real reason that I can see, and she's not remotely grateful.

If she runs back to mum, let her.

I have adult children. When they returned home after uni, they paid 'rent' (though they got it back when they moved out and became properly independent) I treated them like adults and they did their share of housework etc.

I don't understand why your DH built this salon and room in your house when she'd already moved out. Why did he curtail her independence by bringing her back home this way? Is almost as if he bribed her to come home again.

She has a boyfriend. She's not going to head back to mummy forever. Her dad needs to act like a dad, quit the silly rules, but insist that she pays her way (£100 is nowhere near it) or let her move out and become a proper adult.

She's a thoughtless taker and he's being pathetic. A parent's job is to rear an independent adult. I'd write of the expense of the build and let her go, personally. Then she can live like an adult, stay out as long as she likes, entertain her boyfriend and have heating on when she likes.

Some of your rules don’t work. No heating before 9am running a business doesn’t work. Not coming home past 10pm does not work as a young adult (lived at home and regularly came home at 3/4am at that age but I was quiet). She obviously should be paying rent. I can also understand not having the boyfriend home every night.

You need to sit down and have a conversation with her about paying rent, make it clear you expect her too and sneaking the boyfriend in.

I’d loosen up on the heating (maybe up her rent to £150/£175) and the coming home at 10pm (make her realise she must be quiet) and let her run to her mum for a few weeks if she want to.

She runs her business from your home she’ll obviously be back.

You think you've maybe went in too moany and strict and she's just acting like a bam as an act of rebellion.

Do you have a relationship with her that you could take her out of a coffee and have a proper chat about things. Like have you tried explaining the 10pm situation without moaning and banging on about it.

If it were me I'd try being her pal.
Less likely to be a bitch about things if you like each other. Respect for someone isn't automatically granted. Y'know?

Get a standing order set up or evict her!

She sounds like a total arse but she will settle down eventually.

I'm confused about the money aspect? You say she's not paid a penny but you also say she's paying £100 a week for bills, food and rent. It sounds like she's getting a good deal but she is contributing a fair bit. Does she have a fridge in her studio flat? Agree on the heating with others, 3 hours in the evening doesn't suffice if you are running a business and where the customers are sitting in the building and should be comfortable.

Entitled brat.
We arn't a fucking BNB.
DH is being a spineless twat.

Some of your language is worrying.
You have young children, you are unaware that many parents offer financial support these days to adult children, times have changed and there are many parents living along side them to allow them to save for deposits for first homes.
Twenty one is not that old these days for children to be still at home, you wouldn't know this as your peers are obviously younger and are dealing with younger children.

So what she's not perfect, neither are you and her dad, probably her mother too, not all kids are the same and you sound ill equipped to understand what she's been through.
I can't imagine putting a kerfew on a 21 year old, it's very odd.

I think you're unreasonable.

Heating- you need to compromise here.

Curfew- unreasonable she’s an adult and pays her way.

Some of your rules do sound a bit mad and stifling TBH. And I don’t know why after the huge backstory your partner would build her a salon in the house- surely you could have predicted that this would make things worse?

I think you need to start thinking about her moving out permanently to live, or she pays proper rent but has more freedom at home. If she’s keeping the salon you need to come to an agreement which lets her heat it properly, I wouldn’t want to pay to sit with wet hair in a not warm room with a jumper on. No way.

I'm confused too, so she pays £100 pw already but you require the rent on top ?

How much is the rent.

I have to sit still for over two hours when I have my hair done. No way am I sitting with a jumper on. Salons are kept warm for a reason. Customers are paying good money for a service, and can't move around to keep warm. Plus wet hair. It's bonkers that you've built a salon but won't make it fit for customers.

Read the OP properly

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food)

The £100 includes rent and everything else.

It’s doing her no favours not teaching her how much her business is actually costing to run. She can’t price accordingly

So her dad is a nasty piece of work who removed her from her mum, no doubt dripping poison. And you clearly intensly dislike her and want her business to fail. She's 21 not 15, her bf can be round whenever. 10pm is ridiculous. She needs to move away from you and her dad.

This is such a strange setup. How was DSD meant to work out her tax and profit/loss for the salon if the salon costs (rent, energy, water) are kept separate from her general rent (studio flat)?

When she moved out was it back to her Mum/a distance away?

Otherwise seems a bit unnecessary to reel her back with a salon & studio.

Presumably she doesn't have her own entrance or kitchen otherwise she wouldn't disturb everyone?

If it's not much more than a bedroom & bathroom I wouldn't think that she'd stay much longer anyway.

You are being unreasonable
What adult at that age wants to be in by 10pm????
It's her home - she should be able to invite who she likes.
Who wants to sit in a salon with no heating???? Ridiculous , it's her business - I'm sure you wouldn't want to have your hair done in a freezing cold salon either.
You don't have a step daughter problem you have a husband problem - he needs to have an adult conversation with her regarding paying her way when it comes to her financial responsibilities.
Good luck, until your husband problem improves things won't change. ..

heating thing wrong if shes doing a business in the basement, Itll need to be warm for people to want to go. 10pm is stupid! thats a curfew for 14 year olds. I also cant understand why kids would br woken up by someone coming in hopefully quietly after 10 pm.

£100 pw is also Alot so id expect more flexibility with other rules, where i live a house share is between £90-£120 a week all bills included and has no curfews or rules like that so i think YABU although charging £100 a week is fine if she is earning it and being allowed to enjoy the home.

You clearly hate her mother, who she seems to at least like. It's possible she may have picked up on this at some point in the last ten years and decided you aren't worthy of her respect.

I don't think it may be that cut and dry, but I feel very sad for the child in this situation. (Referencing before she turned 21)

Yes it's true, sometimes children of divorced parents weaponise "I'm going to the other parent's house". (At the same time, without getting too blamey, they can only use it as a threat if the parents have a black-and-white POV – why is your DH so scared of her visiting her mother at this big age of 21 now?)

At the same time, that also doesn't mean they don't truly miss the other parent. She lost her own mother in a nasty court battle, and during puberty was forced to relocate with her father to a new country with a new woman.

(It's also unclear if you met her father before or after the divorce, but either way having a new mother is hard for any child.)

At 16, that was when your own biological children came into the picture too, and she may have been made even more aware of her stepchild status.

Her mother lives on the other side of the world, so it's not like they get to see each other on weekend visits. It's quite natural for children (especially when emotionally distressed) to want to go to Mum!

Yet for that natural urge, a teenage girl is called "a handful", it's implied that she's manipulative and disruptive, it's implied that OP and her DH are doing her a big favour by letting her come back (sorry, but as your DH fought a nasty battle for full custody, it's his duty to take her back in).

I know it must have been really hard for you and your DH, and you sound like you're trying your best... But I don't know if keeping her by your side now and fighting over draconian top-down rules is the best way to fix DH and her family dynamics.

PLUS what it sounds like is DH had been living with them in another country, Took full custody and dragged them to another country with him leaving theyre mother behind then got with another woman who had 3 of her own kids!! no doubt making these 2 girls jealous that those kids have a mother and step father so 2 parents living in the same house not charging them rent. I would be mad too, I would probably act out a little at that as well because they are still young and experiencing hormones and sad feelings.

I couldn't agree more. And it somehow all seems to have landed on the OP, whereas her husband is the one who ought to be putting a stop to all of this entitled nonsense, rather than facilitating it.

I have a 21 yo and there is no way I'd either encourage or tolerate them taking the piss like this, especially not if I had younger children who were being affected by it.

Also, sometimes adult children live with their parents to save money, but things like the 10pm rule are quite extreme. That seems more like "temporary measures" from a parent who desperately wants their adult child to haul arse out of the family home ASAP.

The 10pm rule is really dangerous OP! I definitely wouldn't institute that. Who knows where she could end up crashing just because she doesn't feel like she's able to come home. That could easily push her into some very bad choices.

I don't agree with the OP having the heating off but most places in the UK are not currently minus 14 or ever get anywhere near that low.

It's currently zero degrees where I am. I've never experienced minus 14

Yes especially the ‘if you’re not back by 10 don’t come back that night’ is she supposed to sleep on a park bench if she’s nowhere else to go. Who the heck says that, certainly not a loving maternal figure.

This sounds very controlling and suffocating for both SDs. Is your DH from a middle eastern heritage? Are you in the UK? As said the setting up of the salon and its running costs were tax deductible. Has she been helped to sort out her NI contributions? As said, she needs her independence and should be encouraged to start up elsewhere and live her own life.