To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

[UlrikaUmbridge]

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

WAY unreasonable with the 10pm curfew. And the heating - you can't welcome hairdressing clients into an unheated salon. (Are you REALLY not heating your home until evening, when people are in?)

Kind of agree with others here. Could she have some kind of heater down in the basement so she can heat her part without putting the full heating on. It’s been cold this week. Ours comes on 5:30-8:30am and then 5pm-8pm and if I’m home earlier and cold I’ll stick it on sooner.

21 year old with a curfew of 10is also unreasonable. She needs to learn to come in quietly. I know a lot of youngster who work in a call centre and get home later. My ex used to work 10-10 shifts and got home at midnight (public transport wasn’t direct) and 10:30 once he learned to drive. We had young kids in the house. He was able to come home without waking them up. To be honest my 10 and 13 year old once asleep would sleep through people coming and going - and sometimes me putting clothes away in their rooms!!

she should be paying her way though so that your focus along with respecting the household. I guess you have your own rules about boyfriends staying over and that can all be personal for each family. At 21 I was living in student accommodation and my boyfriend would come and go and sometimes would come with me when I went to visit my parents for the weekend or me his. But I also had friends who weren’t allowed boyfriends stay over. But we weren’t living at home full time. I can see how it can become an added expense if it’s regular and often. Can they stay at his some days??

you ask her for rent and she threatens to move out?? Surely you should be saying pay rent or get the F out!!

Something tells me she’s not going to give up her income and ‘salon’ … that’s cutting your nose off to spite to your face!!

it’s your house, you set the rules! Reinforce the no after 10 rule and lock the doors!! I would revoke her rights to bring boyfriend home at all if she can’t stick to the weekend only rule!

Tell DH that she’s taking the piss and you don’t want your kids exposed to her defiance !

Worrying language here and an entitled sounding OP, I’m so sorry to say - but - yeah.
I have a 28 year old SD (DH was a devoted teenage Dad), and we also have five kids of our own. SD also now has three kids. I adore them all. It has been a privilege gradually moving my way from “Dad’s annoying girlfriend” some 18 years ago to “Mum” now, which melts my heart and has been completely on her terms. She has her own life and lives away, but i long for her to be closer. She’s a wonderful woman who has weathered much and it’s an honour to have her and her children be an integral part of my life. If I was lucky enough to be able to offer her and her kids permanent residence close to us, it would be awesome.

she was 10 when I met her. We weathered traumatic teens (DH being called to police stations in middle of night, me heavily pregnant), and working out how to provide for her when she wasn’t living with us (her Mum had custody, but also problems , and she ended up with MIL for a while, which was the most suitable and peaceful option for her at that time).

I only write all this because I’m trying to visualise having her here and telling her she has a curfew or that she needs to be cold in the mornings. She’s a single mum and if she had a boyfriend I’d ask him to move in so I could keep an eye on him and check he treats her and my grandkids right. If she was starting out with a business and I was lucky enough to be able to afford to support her, I would gladly do so. And if any child of mine ever needs a roof over their head, this is their home and I would not accept rent. My parents never asked rent off of me. because their house was my home. And my house is my kids’ home, and my DH’s kids’ home.

You’re being completely unreasonable and sound like the Wicked Stepmother to be honest.

Sorry but it sounds more like she can have stability and a loving home but it comes with conditions. Your conditions!
I can imagine it difficult at times but having these Draconian rules are not what I would call having a loving mother figure. As that would be unconditional you have given conditions.

Firstly, saying she can only stay there if she babysits is ridiculous that it as much as her home as it is yours! Your forgetting you entered into her family too, your husband that you call a spineless twat also took on your three children.
Also telling them if they wake the children they deal with it wtf!

She is paying rent she is paying £400 a month for the electric your referring too. That is more than most adult children pay. This isn't a friend it's a the child of your husband who's family home it is.
The food concerns I can understand I'd be annoyed if they ate the child lunch. Maybe just A simple conversation would stop this.

Asking the boyfriend to pay for food and bills if he stops over is crazy talk! What ever happens to kindness and hospitality. I doubt him being there would cost much more anyway.

This is not to be mean but I think you need to read these responses as it sounds like you may not be aware of some of the way you have contributed to this. The tone your giving off in this post is one of coldness towards her it's like love with conditions.
Her actions are normal behaviour for that age I wouldn't put them down as ungratefulness.

totally this

YABVU
The 10pm rule is ridiculous. She's probably making a noise when she comes home because your rule is unattainable and she's feeling frustrated.

Given the updated info, it would prob be best for her to move out. She’s being inconsiderate to the rest of the house, with dirty dishes, lack of contribution, and late night noisiness. Plus, it would be better for her too.

The salon/studio set up appears to be a basement room - not ideal for business nor independent living. She needs to do her own thing, and grow up a bit.

I agree that it would be best for everyone to get out of each others hair.

Not that familiar but I always vaguely thought Newsweek was generally highbrow? I can't believe it's scraping the bottom of the barrel Daily Mail/Buzzfeed clickbait style

You are massively over controlling.

Yes her father needs to put his foot down, but she's 21, not someone who needs to be in bed early for a school night.

Sounds more it’s run like a prison camp then a home
too many rules, and too much control over a 21 year old.
no wonder she acts up like she does.

I think there are too sides to this and I don't think you are being unreasonable op.

She needs to stop taking the piss, she's being inconsiderate, rude and financially taking the micky.

You do have too many rules for a 21 yr old, but a 21yr old should realise by now that she either toes the line and gets the benefits of doing so, or move out and live the way she wants in her own home. She can't have it both ways

Op you need to get your dh onboard, things will never change and whilst she's getting her own way, she'll never move out.

As the old mn saying goes - you have a dh problem

You said she lives rent free. But she does pay rent. She pays £100 per week. Plus does a night per week or free babysitting. When my DP and I go out we pay a babysitter £50. She is saving you £50 per week in addition to the £100 she gives you. That’s £600 per month effectively. It may not be as much as you would like to charge, but given she isn’t allowed home after 10pm and has to work in a cold basement…. I’m interested to know: you say she has a salon down there but also that there are thick carpets. I’ve never been to a carpeted salon before. Doesn’t that make sweeping up all the hair quite difficult..? Or is the room where clients have their hair washed, cut, dyed etc not actually carpeted?
I think you need to acknowledge she is paying rent (maybe you could ask for more) but she then needs to have her salon heated and not have a ridiculous curfew. Whoever heard of a curfew for a 21 year old??? Not fair on her at all! And she pays you rent for this!!!

@BustyLaRoux the SD agreed to £100 rent but she hasn't yet paid any. It's quite clearly there in OP's posts.

No yabvu because you've confused oppressive rules with also demanding rent & personally I think £100 a week is a lot of money to cover bills.

I work from home & have similar but probably heavier electric usage & I don't pay that for my entire house including my business.

I don't know where the 10pm curfew came from but she is 21 & you clearly don't trust her, you should try to let go a bit & relax.

I don't honestly blame her for wanting to flee to her mother I would feel the same.

I don't think she is entitled I feel she's struggling with how to be independent.

I don't agree that the posts are clear in saying she's not paid. OP isn't seeing the £100 bill payments as "rent" it's contribution to bills.
I read it as she's paying this but not 'rent' as such.

It's a difficult situation, as I can see your side (with some things), but from her dad's point of view she's not had the easiest life and I'm sure he feels a lot of guilt. Your kids are growing up happy and stable with two parents together and will likely live in the same country their whole lives and not face the upheaval your step children have. Also, no matter how much you say you love them, it's a very rare step parent who loves all the blended children the same, and step children feel this and biological parents see this too, so probably overcompensate.

It's also very unusual for children not to have their mother as their primary carer, never mind not even live in the sane country as her. Even if the relationship is better with their dad, it must be have been incredibly difficult for the kids. Something that is societally not the norm is a difficult situation for teens and I'm sure she must have a lot of baggage from this and her sibling too. That doesn't magically disappear when you're a young adult, for many people that's when the problems start. I'm not saying let her do what she likes, but possibly try to be a bit mor understanding and keep away from labels like entitled brat. Put your own children in the situation and think about how you would feel about that.

Exactly. This post is confusing. A small area for keeping paperwork maybe but why a salon? I think there’s a boundary between basic welcoming home and over complicated involvement in a young person’s life. At this stage they should and usually are sorting their independence. So bedroom and food yes, built in flat and workplace - that just leads to over involvement and inappropriate control by you and father. She should be setting up her own external housing and life, maybe with a small help but not ongoing involvement in her work and relationships

Good point! Is your house registered as having a business running from it?

I don’t think she sounds entitled apart from the not paying her way. This is the only issue really. Maybe she would if you relaxed your rules. My hairdresser did my hair yesterday involving a couple of washes and it can be very cold sitting with wet hair. Having no heating during the day is ridiculous. Perhaps you could do a deal and agree to have the heating on and end the curfew, let her boyfriend stay etc only IF she pays you rent.

When she says she will move in with her mum call her bluff. If I have gotten this correct, the mum lives in another country, so if she does leave to live with her she wont have her BF or her client base and would hav to start her business from scratch. Also remind her how well it went all the other times she tried that one.

in @UlrikaUmbridge opening post 07/03/2023 23:37

"Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food)."

£100pw for all that is very reasonable - rent, food, utilities.

I agree with what other people have said. Your the 1 coming through as entiltled. Although yes, she should pay rent, 100% agree with that, and contribute towards the heating costs. You cannot expect a 21 year old to have a 10pm curfew. Surley at 5, your child should be able to sleep through noise ?. My son is 20 and comes home late at night and is very noisy, however you just get used to it and know it isnt for ever. Your younger children will be the same, will you put a curfew on them aswell ?. She is 21, let her live her life, let her go out and party and have fun. As for not letting her put the heating on in the morning for her clients, I wouldnt want my hair done in a cold place where you had to keep your jumper on.