To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

[UlrikaUmbridge]

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

purely from a practical business perspective, you need a decently warm room to activate bleach properly when you’re doing hair. So that rule is unreasonable. As is not letting a 21 yo stay out after 10pm.

This sounds like something you would say about an adult child who refuses to move out (a common scenario in MN posts, which I think is what OP is thinking of as she writes too).

This is the opposite. She moved out due to a good job, sounds like she was fine on her own, but the DH wanted her to move back in.

She does sound a bit spoilt and emotionally screwed up (probably due to her circumstances growing up), and she's probably taking the piss. Plus she can't say no to the financial advantage of having rent-free business premises. But is that what she really wants?

At this stage of her life, experiencing her first serious adult relationship, the wonders of her newfound income, the freedom of being 21, she probably doesn't actually want to be at home. It doesn't sound like it, anyway.

I think maybe both DH and OP, in different ways, need to learn to let her go (DH starts coping with the idea of her moving out, and OP stops talking about her / insulting her like a child).

Alternatively, if your DH is trying to make up for lost time together when she was growing up, what about getting her a flat nearby so she can still spend time together with you as a family, but have some adult independence? If that's financially feasible of course.

Can’t stop thinking about the hairy carpets now. Why isn’t the salon set up with a lino floor? I’ve never been in a carpeted hairdressers, even one of those little salon sheds. Sounds like she has a downstairs bedroom (grim) with a vanity mirror and a chair along with an en-suite.

Have you considered separate electricity, phone lines, water, etc for the basement and putting them in her name? Then if they get cut off, stiff shit.

Presumably she agreed to the rules originally, or maybe pretended to agree, knowing that when push came to shove her father would let her do as she pleases. She's an adult, yes, but if she wants to live like one and set all the rules herself, she'll have to move out.

so she moved out but you asked her to move back in and build her a salon on the basis that she’d pay you rent after a while.
If she’s paying rent then I don’t see how you can set these rules.
A 10pm curfew is unreasonable.
Heating on for 3 hours when she’s in the basement, the coldest part of the house and has clients in during the day is unreasonable.
Her boyfriend only staying at weekends is unreasonable, she’s 21 and supposed to be paying rent.
Where is she supposed to stay if she’s later than 10pm.
Youre not treating her like a member of the family you’re treating her like someone you don’t really want to be around.

YABU

I have to agree with pp and your dsd1. Not having the heating on in the morning for her salon is bad for business.

What is the point of building her a salon if you are just going to sabotage her business.

If it is cold enough to have to wear a jumper then I and most pp would not come back to the salon.

She was supposed to start paying rent when her business starts making profit. Has she been able to build up a regular clientele to make regular money?

Because without heating perhaps she hasn’t been able to get regular customers.

I don’t think that she is being an entitled brat (as described in your heading). She is just not complying with unreasonable demands.

I wouldn’t either.

is it possible to have a separately metered power supply to he business premises?
agree with the 10pm thing being draconian.

@Thekirit The OP states that her SD hasn’t paid any rent or bills at all and threatens to go to her Mum’s when asked to. Then her Dad drops the subject.

So they’re paying the salon’s bills and the SD keeps all the profits. It’s madness!

Yeah, I’ve never seen a carpeted salon either.

Yeah, ever since the previous poster pointed it out I can’t get my head round what this ‘salon’ looks like. Who in their right mind puts carpet in a hair dressing salon? I do think that the salon and mini studio (which doesn’t appear to have kitchen facilities so is what a bedroom with an en-suite?) actually amounts to. Sounds like a bit of a bodge job

Yes I did pick up on that.
I think I said “ if she’s paying the rent “
So in anticipation and on that basis the rules etc etc.

Your rules sound bonkers, if you are expecting rent.

You need to charge sufficient rent, and then she can take it or leave it like any lodger or tenant. But as a tenant/lodger she has her own right to come and go as she pleases, invite guests and use the heating.

Set your price, and life with it. Or end the arrangement

Was it just mentioned "ground rules" originally and then OP added those rules along the way, or were all the above rules set out in detail before agreeing?

Whatever the case, the rules (eg 10pm curfew) are frankly unworkable too for a young adult. I think now is the time to stop finger pointing, just accept everyone (DH, OP, DSD) had unrealistic expectations, and let the arrangement go.

I'm not sure where the OP is insulting her like a child.

I would not behave in this fashion in my parents family home. But then again I moved out at 18 years old... as I didn't want to come home early ... as parents would be waiting for me to return.

You have to respect the house rules which are set.. even if you think they are unreasonable or find some more suitable.

But mostly you need to have a conversation with your partner.

So, your dh built a salon and studio flat for her in your basement, which he carpeted, and didn't put in a separate power supply?

The whole set up sounds I'll thought out. If your sd has a studio flat in the basement, why is she coming in through the main front door and then cooking in your kitchen? Surely there's a separate entrance to the studio snd salon, or do all the clients have to troop through your house (where you're wfh and your SD2 is being home schooled, presumably by your dh)?

And why are you setting the rules about when the heating goes on, when your dh and SD2 are also in the house all day, without any heating?

How does your SD1 maintain her Clint base if she's always running off to her mums for a few weeks? If my hair dresser operated out of a freezing salon, with carpeted floors (I'm.not fussy, but that is totally unhygienic), and then kept cancelling me at short notice because she's stropped off to her mum's in another country, then I'd be finding a new salon and stylist.

If this is all true - and tbh I'm having doubts - then you need to change your attitude to her. She's 21 not 12, and shouldn't be subject to curfews etc.

I get it’s hard to know how to act around your dh’s adult child. Once your dcs get to this age, you really won’t be treating them like this unless you wish to drive them away. It’s hard to imagine with littlies and I remember when dd was about 5, we had a cousins to stay, who was 13. The 13 year old made friends with a girl in our road and when I was at the park, the two girls came walking past me. I froze and panicked inside as it suddenly dawned on me I was responsible for someone, who could go out and about alone in daylight hours. I think you also need to make that uncomfortable shift with your dsd1, and dsd2 pretty soon.

The only way round this if you’re not prepared to talk to your dsd is for her to move out. As you’re treating her like a child, it is no wonder she is acting like one with regards to paying the bills. The rules around heating are ridiculous. As a client, I also wouldn’t put a jumper on. I’d go elsewhere. A client expects a hairdressing salon to be warm, especially warm… that’s the norm due to hairdryers whirring etc. She should have a separate meter.

Treat her like an adult. Apologise for acting like a dick. As the mature adult, this is on you. Ask her, show her even how, to shut the doors quietly so that she can come and go as she pleases. Agree she will pay more for food to include her boyfriend and the agreed rent… or get her to cook and eat in her carpeted studio and buy her own food. Kit that out with an actual little kitchen… otherwise it isn’t a studio.

Am also wondering how she keeps her clients if she goes off to her mum’s house for weeks at a time.

some of your rules need tweaking but then she should be paying proper rent to accommodate. Her threat to leave would also be a no no. She had a cushy life and she is not going anywhere- I would tell her that. If she leaves , she goes for good as this is not the way she should be behaving.

You are being very controlling and absurd giving a 21 year old a curfew.

I think on balance you sound a bit unkind.

I don't think this is a healthy approach. You cannot force love, or imprison your adult children by your side.

You've given them the studio, or loaned it to them for 6 months. That doesn't mean you're "buying" their companionship to fill your emotional needs. Whether they're in the loaned flat 24/7, or choose to go on holiday or visit someone in another country, that is not really your business.

Agree that her turning it into a "threat" is manipulative, but that's more because DH views it as a threat. If my adult child "threatened" to "leave" (aka live their own life), I'd say, "sure, do whatever you have to". I may not necessarily allow her back into my family home at a moment's notice if it's inconvenient/disruptive – but if I've already agreed to loan her a separate space, I wouldn't retract it to "punish" her for daring to leave my side.

You absolutely shouldn't be paying for her business running costs such as heating while she's booking holidays and has a swanky new car.

Why does your dh give in when she threatens to go back to her mums? you said that she's done that before and came back crying in a few weeks.
So surely it will be the same again? or she'd be less likely to go because she's obviously making a decent amount of money now and she won't want to miss out on that.

Well the OP said She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

You said “she used £10 worth of food” whilst simultaneously saying she has a studio flat. I don’t understand why she has to contribute to food in her rent. It does not make sense. There should be a fridge/cooking appliances in a studio flat. She wouldn’t need to use the household food in the main house fridge because she can buy her own for her purpose built fridge. Yet you’ve made an agreement with her that she pays for food in her rent so presumably you’re supplying all her meals?

just seems like a sloppy arrangement. remove food costs from the rent agreement and she can buy her own food.