To think my SD1 is an entitled brat?

[UlrikaUmbridge]

Firstly I will say- I do adore, very much consider her a part of my family but I’m sick of her behaviour.

I have two stepchildren- aged 21 and 15 and 3 of my own who are all primary school age.

I work from home, and SD2 is also home schooled.

I met their dad 10 years ago now- he had been living in the UAE with his ex wife (and the girls mum), nasty divorce and he got full custody after a very long court battle. We have always got on well, with difficulty at the start as the girls were not used to having a loving maternal figure in their lives.

SD1 has been a handful since 16- when she argues with her Dad, she calls her mum and flys over there, will refuse to speak to us until 2/3 weeks later she’s crying down the phone wanting to come home. And, of course, we welcome her back with open arms.

She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in.

The agreement was while she was building up a client base, we wouldn’t charge her rent for 6 months but there would be ground rules- if you out past 10 don’t come home as it will wake the other children, boyfriend allowed to stay at weekends but not every night and in exchange she would babysit once a week so me and DH could have a night out.

Obviously she is on our electricity and gas. I have a rule that the heating goes on at 5-8pm, no earlier or later. She insists on putting it on at 9am ”because it’s bad for business otherwise”

Its 8 months later- she hasn’t paid a penny in rent (keeping in mind we only ask for £100pw to cover the cost of electricity/gas, water, insurance, her rent and food). When we bring it up with her- she threatens to go back to her mums, so DH gives in. Coupled with the fact she regularly comes in past 10, loudly banging doors which wakes the children up and most nights sneaks her boyfriend in- we aren’t a fucking BNB

She is costing us a fortune and is making a decent amount of money- has booked 3 holidays this year, swanky new car and parcels of clothes and makeup turn up at least 3 times a week.

DH is being a spineless twat- I understand he wants her here, and I genuinely do too, but we can’t fund her forever surely?

Doubtful the OP would talk to her own kids like that, so not really good advice to speak to SD like that. Do you not have any empathy for a young adult who when she was a teen went through her parents messy divorce, clearly has a troubled relationship with her mum and moved from one side of the world to another?

Now that the OP is having her controlling behaviour challenged, I wonder if she will return to this thread, or has she gone off in a huff?

"She moved out last year as she had a good job (mobile hairdresser). Her dad offered to build her a salon in the basement of our new house and also a sort of mini studio flat for her to live in."

She's basically agreed to live like a child in order to get her business off to a better start, which seems quite sensible financially on her part if absolutely baffling on your husband's. Why did he want to essentially bribe his 20 year old to move back in? Sounds like she was fine to live independently and has moved back to save some money and maybe because she loves her dad and wants to keep him happy. So I can see why she's pissed off about/ignoring some of the very silly rules like not coming in after 10 (she needs to be quiet obvs) and the heating.

saraclara I read it as she has paid no RENT. But it does list rent as one of the things her £100 would cover. So maybe she did mean she’s paid no actual money at all. If she is providing free babysitting though then that is instead of rent and is saving the OP a lot of money spent on babysitters. If we book one round here it’s often £50-70 for an evening. But I don’t think the OP will be back to clarify this point. Or to respond to me asking if the salon in the basement really has thick carpets throughout…. I suspect it’s cold down there. Would put me off as a client. In fact OP’s unwelcoming attitude and weird curfew would put me off if I were a 21 year old SD too!

If I were her I would think you're trying to get rid of me. Making out you are stepping in as a mother figure while obviously resenting her being there.
The heating, 10pm curfew and babysitting are all ridiculous. Does she impose a curfew when you go out?

Yes I don't think that £100 is what she's calling 'rent'. I think the SD is paying this £100 a week as contribution but not any more rent as such. That's how I'm reading it.
I run a salon from home, & I don't pay that in my whole bill including my house bill.

It's not about telling 21 yr old what to do. It's about the 21 yr old respecting the other kids sleeping in the house... the kids are probably light sleepers otherwise mother wouldn't be telling you to be quite after-hours. Plus if the 21 yr old doesn't like it she can get her own place. Just because she's an adult does not mean she don't have to follow any rules. OP needs to put her foot down. Not just with SD but with the dad too.

You are spot on. You have made a lot of concessions and cheap. Very cheap. I don't care what anybody else says. They say oh she paying rent. She should be able to come and go as she please. That's crap. It's still your house and if she don't like it then she could pay rent elsewhere. It's as simple as that. Considering the rent is so cheap, it's not even funny. Not to mention she's not even paying that. She cares more about herself and paying things for herself than paying the family that is sacrificing for an individual. This is pure selfishness. By the way....An agreement is in agreement. That's it. If one don't like it then break it and move or kick them out. Simple as that.

You say she's welcome with open arms, but it sounds as though your arms are very firmly crossed when she's back in the house with you. I don't say "home", because the poor girl is clearly tolerated, at best.
Have you thought about the reasons why a very young adult may fly to her mother for refuge?
I think you need to be honest with yourself, and talk to your husband.
Paying rent, fine.
Your restrictions, not fine.
Her father is her parent, you're not -it's up to him to talk to her and guide her.

I think it would probably have been better to let her find her own accommodation and business premises, and perhaps for you to help her initially with general and financial support.

It is natural, I suppose, when you are subsiding her to such a degree, and she is living in your home, that you want to lay down the rules. I have to say, though, that it is quite a big ask to expect a 21 year old to be in by 10. And the heating rule seems unreasonable to me. You have both been very generous but it has not really helped her to understand the reality of being an adult. Banging doors, being careless with money and being generally inconsiderate is probably not that unusual at that age, and in another setting where she would be incurring much greater expense, she would probably mature quite quickly.

I think some of the comments on here are quite harsh. Many young people come from broken homes and do not get much emotional or financial support. This young person has no doubt had some difficult times but, on balance, her family seem to have been very supportive. I don't think the OP is "jealous" of her step daughter spending money - she just expects her to contribute more and be more considerate. Since she has been back and forth to Mum's and to Dad's, this maybe suggests that when Mum puts her foot down, she wants to go back to Dad, and vice versa.

Absolutely ridiculous to have a 10pm curfew.. just simply ask her to be quiet when coming in!

also if she’s having a stroppy tantrum when being asked to pay towards things etc, this is where your DH needs to say “ok then that’s fine if you want to go back to your mums, I’d love you to stay and are more then welcome to if you change your mind” don’t play up to it!

all these “rules” are not going to work, she’s not a child anymore.. she’s a grown adult. Just be reasonable, she’s old enough to know not to have tantrums if she doesn’t get her own way, she’s old enough to know to come home quietly.

the heating rule - if she’s running her own business that relies on her needing the heating on etc then it’s completely unreasonable to not put the heating on, just simply request a small amount extra each month for her to cover the cost she’s using..

shes 21, not 15…

Maybe it's because of my own house rules growing up, but if you're not contributing you don't get to decide house rules. Even if you're making money you're basically a kid. Not paying for your own survival. I would look the heating honestly. You want heat, pay up. You provided the tools for her to contribute and now it's time. I could never do what she is doing and then look my parents in the face. Maybe at 18 fresh out of high school, but homegirl is making money. She wants to be a big girl, start paying like one

Right? Like I don't get the entitlement that others are supporting. Lock the doors. She will learn or move.

Ohmigod, she's a shithead. Pack her bag and wave her goodbye when she throes her toys next. How the bloody hell is she ever going to cope in the "real" world if she us being such a spoilt little madam now. Might need a bit of tough love and maybe she will grow up.