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Original poster

I cried in front of my manager

273 replies

souleyes · 07/03/2023 23:15

Over teams about my performance evaluation. He said he could see I was upset and did I have anything else to add. I said no (wiping away my tears) and he said ok speak later and left the call.

I wasn’t hysterical, but upset enough for physical tears. We didn’t speak later and he didn’t even send a message to check I was ok.

Am I expecting too much from a manager? I’m not expecting him to drop everything and hold my hand. Just some empathy, not literally hanging up on me.

OP posts:
LittleAIexHorne · 07/03/2023 23:18

Why did you get so upset?

Flyonthewall01 · 07/03/2023 23:20

I think we need a bit more context here though? Did he raise a number of concerns etc and that he’s not happy with your performance?
If this is a formal meeting he will have kept emotions out of it. He should have checked in on you later but it is awkward to do so especially if it’s because of a disciplinary type situation.

Fidgety31 · 07/03/2023 23:21

He asked if you had anything to say and you said no …. What was he supposed to do other than end the call ?
If he’d kept you online and you’re not saying anything - that would’ve been weird .

Snoopystick · 07/03/2023 23:23

Without meaning to sound harsh it seems quite a minor thing to cry about unless you’re about to lose your job

Nimbostratus100 · 07/03/2023 23:26

I am sorry you are upset, but it isn't up to your manager to message to check if you are alright, that would be weird an inappropriate in my view.

what would you reply anyway? Meaningless yes? Or say No? and then what?

housemaus · 07/03/2023 23:28

Nimbostratus100 · 07/03/2023 23:26

I am sorry you are upset, but it isn't up to your manager to message to check if you are alright, that would be weird an inappropriate in my view.

what would you reply anyway? Meaningless yes? Or say No? and then what?

I manage people and I can't imagine a situation where I wouldn't check in with someone who was visibly upset afterwards, why would it be inappropriate? It doesn't have to be "Please tell me exactly why you're crying", just "Hey, noticed you were a bit upset after the meeting before - don't worry X Y Z will get sorted/do you want to talk about it?/whatever"

Original poster
souleyes · 07/03/2023 23:28

Snoopystick · 07/03/2023 23:23

Without meaning to sound harsh it seems quite a minor thing to cry about unless you’re about to lose your job

What do you mean a minor thing to cry about? I didn’t even say the reason I was upset.

Also for the other poster it wasn’t a disciplinary.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 07/03/2023 23:30

What were you upset about?

Snoopystick · 07/03/2023 23:30

souleyes · 07/03/2023 23:28

What do you mean a minor thing to cry about? I didn’t even say the reason I was upset.

Also for the other poster it wasn’t a disciplinary.

Show quote history

Thought you were crying over your performance evaluation? If not you need to give more details.

Yorkshirelass04 · 07/03/2023 23:30

I think if someone is visibly distressed in a 121 conversation then the right thing to do is to spend some time with them to help process it. Unless you really just shut him
Down?
Also a check in later would have been appropriate to ensure you weren't still struggling / confused, not least to check you were able to get on with you work.

Original poster
souleyes · 07/03/2023 23:31

housemaus · 07/03/2023 23:28

I manage people and I can't imagine a situation where I wouldn't check in with someone who was visibly upset afterwards, why would it be inappropriate? It doesn't have to be "Please tell me exactly why you're crying", just "Hey, noticed you were a bit upset after the meeting before - don't worry X Y Z will get sorted/do you want to talk about it?/whatever"

Show quote history

Thank you, I think I’m looking more for the opinion of people who manage as I’ve never done it.

He just could not have left that call quicker. So the fact he didn’t followed up made me think he wants to just forget it happened so he doesn’t have to deal with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
souleyes · 07/03/2023 23:34

Yorkshirelass04 · 07/03/2023 23:30

I think if someone is visibly distressed in a 121 conversation then the right thing to do is to spend some time with them to help process it. Unless you really just shut him
Down?
Also a check in later would have been appropriate to ensure you weren't still struggling / confused, not least to check you were able to get on with you work.

I said no because it was at the point that if I spoke then it would have lead to the ugly crying where you can’t even speak so there’s no point trying until you’re composed.

I just felt so shit for the rest of the day and now lying in bed full of anxiety for tomorrow.

OP posts:
FatCatt · 07/03/2023 23:35

Why were you crying?

beezlebubnicky · 07/03/2023 23:37

souleyes · 07/03/2023 23:31

Thank you, I think I’m looking more for the opinion of people who manage as I’ve never done it.

He just could not have left that call quicker. So the fact he didn’t followed up made me think he wants to just forget it happened so he doesn’t have to deal with it.

Show quote history

I completely agree with the above poster as well, I also manage people too. Managers have a duty of care to their staff - personally, the wellbeing of staff is important to me as we are all human, and they can't do their jobs effectively if they're struggling with something.

I'm sorry that happened, and he should have checked in with you later. Do you normally get on well with him? Maybe message saying, I know I got upset but could we have a check in now I've calmed down as I've reflected.

Was your performance evaluation not what you were hoping for? If not, he should be putting things in place to support you and being very clear to you on what the next steps are.

TippledPink · 07/03/2023 23:38

I have staff cry on me all the time. I cry at my manager regularly too. We work in social services so it's a regular occurrence!
Are you bothered about the crying or the fact he didn't check on you? He should have checked on you but maybe he got the impression you didn't want to discuss it with him? What were you upset about?

Yorkshirelass04 · 07/03/2023 23:40

Then I think he's behaved in an odd and thoughtless manner.

Can you pick up with him tomorrow and say, I just wanted to follow on from our conversation yesterday as I was quite upset and wanted to explain why... (or similar)

That gives him another chance to show some empathy.

You shouldn't be going to bed anxious about it.

BartsLongLostBro · 07/03/2023 23:41

What's actually happened OP?

Don't worry about the terse posters, they lack empathy. Ignore them.

Sorry the manager didn't provide what you needed. He may lack skills, have felt awkward, wanted you to have privacy, had another meeting, did not realise you were upset, etc. Just drop an email articulating what requirements you have for your role and wellbeing, and how he can facilitate or support that.

And speak to a friend or family member to offload, or us!

beezlebubnicky · 07/03/2023 23:41

Also just to add, I have cried in front of my manager several times - don't feel bad about doing that and he shouldn't have reacted that way.

JudgeRudy · 07/03/2023 23:43

Well he asked you if you'd anything to add and you said no. I'd take that as a clear sign you really didn't want to talk about it and preferred to privately 'process' things. If I was your manager I'd have given you some slack that day then checked in with you a few days later.
We're you expecting him to get back to you? That day?
I think the main thing is was the feedback fair and what are yourvideas for personal development.

DojaPhat · 07/03/2023 23:43

Are you feeling annoyed with yourself for losing composure? He didn't handle it well and many people inlcuding many managers are just not equipped to deal with other's emotions. That aside do you have a good working relationship with him?

MrsDoylesDoily · 07/03/2023 23:44

Some people are just awkward when another person cries, especially if they're not family/friends.

But he should at least have sent a follow up email saying he hopes you're ok.

bugsinmybrain · 07/03/2023 23:48

He doesn't need to handhold but if you're someone he manages he does have some duty of care to you

It's also possible that he thought he wouldn't upset you further by checking up outside of the working day and is planning to discuss things tomorrow or let you cool off and recoup for a minute

Barkin2themoon · 07/03/2023 23:49

Overly precious methinks ?

Original poster
souleyes · 07/03/2023 23:57

DojaPhat · 07/03/2023 23:43

Are you feeling annoyed with yourself for losing composure? He didn't handle it well and many people inlcuding many managers are just not equipped to deal with other's emotions. That aside do you have a good working relationship with him?

Yes and no. No because I’m human and not a robot, he’s seen me cry only once before months ago so it’s not a regular occurrence.

And yes because as I said above it got to the point where there was no point me talking because tears rolling down face would have turned into full on crying.

He’s ok, I just don’t think he’s a people manager.

OP posts:
Original poster
souleyes · 07/03/2023 23:57

Barkin2themoon · 07/03/2023 23:49

Overly precious methinks ?

Yeah that must be it.

OP posts: