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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I cried in front of my manager

273 replies

souleyes · 07/03/2023 23:15

Over teams about my performance evaluation. He said he could see I was upset and did I have anything else to add. I said no (wiping away my tears) and he said ok speak later and left the call.

I wasn’t hysterical, but upset enough for physical tears. We didn’t speak later and he didn’t even send a message to check I was ok.

Am I expecting too much from a manager? I’m not expecting him to drop everything and hold my hand. Just some empathy, not literally hanging up on me.

OP posts:
JeannieAlogy · 08/03/2023 12:26

Op says that he said ok speak later and left the call, and then goes on to say
We didn’t speak later
I think I'd be a bit put out if someone had effectively said they'd get back to me and didn't.

I've cried in an evaluation before - a face to face one. It was a horrible experience. The person conducting the evaluation was one of the least sympathetic, most hard-nosed people I've ever worked with. They still checked in with me later after I'd composed myself.

OP isn't asking for tea, flowers and sympathy from the manager but a simple "hope you're feeling better now" type of thing, as I read this.

WisherWood · 08/03/2023 12:38

I think I'd be a bit put out if someone had effectively said they'd get back to me and didn't.

There has to be some sort of timeframe though. He didn't get back to her that day. That doesn't mean he won't say anything in the near future.

Quveas · 08/03/2023 12:44

AllOfThemWitches · 08/03/2023 12:24

Also, I've said this before but very few people care if some random on mn thinks they're a 'bitch' or whatever other silly, school playgroup type insult you throw at them.

Does anyone care what you have said before or now. If you have something to contribute then do so. Otherwise you are just a random with absolutely nothing to say. Which does rather seem to characterise your posts.

sammylady37 · 08/03/2023 12:47

pattihews · 08/03/2023 10:49

This ^^. I'm en employer. In recent years I've had too many people who seemed to think I was their mum and that their performance didn't really matter.

Show quote history

About 8 years ago, a junior doctor where I work, who was about 25, got his mother to ring up complaining he hadn’t been paid his overtime. He hadn’t actually submitted his overtime form but his Mummy still phoned in on his behalf…

AllOfThemWitches · 08/03/2023 12:51

Quveas · 08/03/2023 12:44

Does anyone care what you have said before or now. If you have something to contribute then do so. Otherwise you are just a random with absolutely nothing to say. Which does rather seem to characterise your posts.

Show quote history

Grow up.

JeannieAlogy · 08/03/2023 12:53

WisherWood · 08/03/2023 12:38

I think I'd be a bit put out if someone had effectively said they'd get back to me and didn't.

There has to be some sort of timeframe though. He didn't get back to her that day. That doesn't mean he won't say anything in the near future.

But that is part of the problem - in this context, it sounded as though the manager would revert later that same day. If that's not what they meant then they should have been clearer.

FrostyFifi · 08/03/2023 13:01

Over the years when working in an open-plan office, I've seen people cry plenty. Receiving bad personal news, being overwhelmed with stress, colleague leaving, colleague died.... that's just humans for you, particularly all shoved into a slightly too small communal space together for years on end.

It never occured to me to judge anyone but honestly I'd struggle to think of a subject to put to the MN jury that wouldn't be judged.

pattihews · 08/03/2023 13:20

lazycats · 08/03/2023 10:58

You sound you're about the begin the Four Yorkshiremen sketch.

Yes, there have always been poor people. But someone 30 years did not face the same financial obstacle to buying a house as someone today.

Some things never change, but some do. The housing crisis is in the latter column. It's not a 'well it was tough back then too' situation, it's a 'the prices versus wages ratio is categorically different' situation.

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No, but the way I lived then and the way a lot of young people are living now isn't so different or so terrible. It's a rite of passage. I'm assuming from the OP's expectation that her manager should look after her emotionally that she's young. It's always been tough for young people starting out. Realising that work isn't like education: realising you're expected to stand on your own two feet: expected to cope on a first salary — it's tough. Crying and expecting the manager who's had to give you difficult feedback to look after you is a bit of an indicator of character.

The fact that you bring house prices into the equation is entirely irrelevant to the situation OP is in.

lottie198 · 08/03/2023 13:21

That's awful. Some managers are just so crap and have no sympathy what so ever. My manager has made me cry (not in front of her though I managed to hold it in). She mainly causes me to be so angry and frustrated.
Hope things were ok at work today OP.

Murdoch1949 · 08/03/2023 14:20

Maybe after you initially spoke after the tears, he thought it best not to revisit it. He's a man, remember.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 08/03/2023 14:25

Op you are clearly having a tough time, if you can try and look for another job and then get out of that one. I hope things pick up for you soon, there are way too many people on here wanting to stick the boot in its wrong.

ShakespearesBlister · 08/03/2023 15:10

JustKeepGoingThere · 08/03/2023 09:58

@ShakespearesBlister
The real question would be why is it happening at all? Unless you are suffering from a serious crisis where something dreadful has happened I'm more surprised you think a couple of times a year is not a lot? Are you an emotional person in general? Your manager must feel like he's walking on eggshells around you and scared to say anything in case you start crying. If you are genuinely this emotionally fragile can you not see why he may have decided you might not be able to cope with the extra workload a pay rise brings? In the kindest way, crying in front of your manager twice in a year for no other reason than you're just not hearing what you want to hear is probably not going to be considered very emotionally mature

Your post comes across as snide. I not someone that cries but I'm emotionally mature enough to understand that plenty of people do and that it's not something to be scared of. It's really not a big deal. If you look around a typical workplaces there are loads of different personalities. At least you know where you are with someone who cries, you could argue that its easier than dealing with employees who don't show their emotions. Is dealing with a sullen or angry employee any easier?
It's not professional or realistic to think you have to be constantly walking on eggshells around an employee just because they cry sometimes. I wouldn't but then I would hope I'm seen as a fair and kind manager by all employees.

Perhaps have a read up the actual concept of emotional maturity and you might understand the point 😉

HumourReplacementTherapy · 08/03/2023 17:31

Tell him You'd like to give him some feedback on conducting performance reviews, with HR observing for support. Grin
if there are things that need to be improved there are ways to go about it. I'm not sure how blunt he was but it doesn't sound like he's great at that side of things.
Don't worry
You can't change what has already happened and honestly, grand scheme it's no big deal. Don't beat yourself up I'm sure it feels it though Flowers

Roseheart · 08/03/2023 18:43

I personally don't think you're being unreasonable here as most people would say the other person must have a heart of stone not to show empathy and not feel concerned about your well being too. However, I suspect your Manager behaved like that because he has split loyalties. In order to give you that Performance Evaluation, he probably had to agree with it. He was probably worried that showing sympathy after delivering bad news is rubbing it in and making it worse. By saying do you want to end this now, I suspect he was allowing you more time to deal with it in private, rather than having to spend more time with the person who caused your tears.

OldFan · 08/03/2023 18:49

I'm concerned if you say you aren't eating properly @souleyes .
That isn't going to help your MH/emotional resilience.

It's quite possible to do an inexpensive shop, lots of things are fairly low cost.

Does anyone you shop for have any allergies or particular dislikes? I'm happy to try and post a list/plan. Do you have a local Aldi or Lidl within a few miles? If so I recommend them, or if you have to shop somewhere else I can plan based on them.

A low cost protein powder also actually works out cheaper than most other protein sources and you can add it to bean curries or whatever.

I'm sure others would have tips too.

Sophie89j · 08/03/2023 19:25

I hope you’re okay whatever it was about. Some male managers do struggle to maintain their professionalism when faced with an emotional woman or situation so I wouldn’t take it personally. Our managing director for example tends to give in to whatever it is the employee is crying about be it struggling with the hours they’re on, financial problems, conflict etc. He will literally agree to anything that person wants to do in order to get out of the situation.
when I used to manage a team if there were emotional situations I would check in later in the day to make sure they’re ok, some people just don’t think or want to avoid the situation.
I wouldn’t take it personally.

piesforever · 08/03/2023 19:31

I cried in front of my NHS manager because the staffing was so dire and dangerous and she just walked off!

Mylittlesandwich · 09/03/2023 13:20

lovem · 08/03/2023 05:55

All of the "you should never cry", "it's exhausting having to manage people who cry" managers posting on here are a bit concerning.

Of course it's not the easiest, and no one enjoys it, but it's partly why you're paid to be a manager - to support them.

I've managed neurodiverse and anxious people who simply could not regulate their emotions (and there are loads more undiagnosed people out there too). They're more likely to struggle at work in the first place and then when facing "criticism" of any kind can be extra-sensitive.

Having unofficial rules that "any crying in the workplace is unacceptable" is extremely ableist.

I have ADHD and part of this is a struggle with rejection sensitivity. I hate it so much. Logically I know this is perfectly reasonable feedback and I do absolutely take it on board. But the feeling of having let them or my team down can be crushing at times.

2023a · 09/03/2023 15:14

Mylittlesandwich · 09/03/2023 13:20

I have ADHD and part of this is a struggle with rejection sensitivity. I hate it so much. Logically I know this is perfectly reasonable feedback and I do absolutely take it on board. But the feeling of having let them or my team down can be crushing at times.

Show quote history

What I wonder about is - if and when you find yourself in a management position, how would that work? If you got negative feedback from a team member, would you break down? As that isn’t acceptable and the duty of care flows the other way.

Or do you just resign yourself to never assuming positions of authority, and thus limit your career?

Mylittlesandwich · 09/03/2023 15:21

@2023a to be honest at the moment I couldn't manage a team. Not a chance. I'm recently diagnosed and working on medication and other strategies but at the moment no I could not take that step.

2023a · 09/03/2023 15:25

Mylittlesandwich · 09/03/2023 15:21

@2023a to be honest at the moment I couldn't manage a team. Not a chance. I'm recently diagnosed and working on medication and other strategies but at the moment no I could not take that step.

If you recognise that, then fair enough! I hope the medication and strategies work for you. Wishing you the best of luck.

Sugarfish · 09/03/2023 16:25

I manage people, I wouldn't end a meeting with someone crying and then not check on them later. Especially if the crying was out of character. And I have 2 regular criers on the team! And yes to be honest I do find them exhausting. One is super sensitive and the other cries to get their own way. Doesn’t sound like this was the case though op and you were genuinely just upset.

@souleyes do you have a union? I’m guessing this is a performance related bonus or payrise and somethings happened for you to not get the full score? Any chance you could appeal it if you feel it’s unfair? Turn that emotion into anger and fight it?

user1497561561 · 09/03/2023 18:09

I had a similar experience when i had my appraisal done. In my organisation the appraisal process is supposed to be a positive process designed to congratulate you on areas of success and encourage you in areas where support is needed. I had none of that. My manager felt the need to talk to three different people about me telling me some bullshit that the appraisal process is a 360 degree thing which it was not. it was a complete train wreck. He was supposed to sign it off and give me a copy of it I've never had it.

MrsCooper84 · 09/03/2023 18:13

As a manager I was always there for my staff. If I knew someone was upset, I would pull them from their role and have a chat. If they didn’t want to talk about it, I just let them know I was there for them.
Not every manager is good with people unfortunately and some don’t have a sensitive bone in their body. Some get very awkward around other peoples ‘feelings’ and some wouldn’t be aware there was an issue even if it smacked them on the ass with a bat.
Please don’t worry. Talk to someone close to you but if you think this might affect your work, you really do need to speak to your manager. He has a duty of care for his staff.
I hope you’re ok xx

whatadayforadaydream · 09/03/2023 18:25

Hmm I don’t know op. Crying twice in a couple of months seems a lot. I’ve worked with my manager for 13 years, had some tough conversations and never cried in front of him. That’s not being robotic, but (for me) professional.

if you were crying because he couldn’t or wouldn’t give you a pay rise that may have made him feel uncomfortable. I understand times are tough but if he’s not in a position to or your performance doesn’t call for it he may feel - depending on how your crying and refusal to discuss it came about - that you were trying to make him feel bad. If it was me I would have checked in if I made any of my team cry, but I might also have felt a little annoyed that someone got upset/ pissed off with me over something that is normal in the course of employment. I might also have waited a couple of days to let the dust settle. So much depends on context.