I cried in front of my manager

[souleyes]

Over teams about my performance evaluation. He said he could see I was upset and did I have anything else to add. I said no (wiping away my tears) and he said ok speak later and left the call.

I wasn’t hysterical, but upset enough for physical tears. We didn’t speak later and he didn’t even send a message to check I was ok.

Am I expecting too much from a manager? I’m not expecting him to drop everything and hold my hand. Just some empathy, not literally hanging up on me.

Out of interest to people who think crying is a big no no do you work in male dominated fields? Genuinely curious.

Nope. Charity sector. Overwhelmingly female. And we deal with quite a lot of trauma on a daily basis.

The main ‘crier’ I’ve managed was actually a middle aged man. He cried about everything, good or bad. I had to put him on performance management (for performance issues - nothing to do with the crying) and he basically had a complete meltdown at every meeting. It was EXHAUSTING. I made sure HR were in the room every time I spoke to him, as it seemed the safest approach.

He eventually moved onto the bereavement counselling. I cannot even imagine how that’s going.

Having said that I've seldom experienced colleagues crying, I can completely understand why people who deal with traumatic situations might need an outlet and their colleagues' support. I'm thinking of medical professionals, police, fire fighter, social workers, etc. In such professions, people remain calm and professional as they deal with terrible situations but must need to release their emotions afterwards. Their colleagues probably better understand how they're feeling than even their families and friends would.

It is a lot in the workplace to be honest with you. Is this your first graduate job? If you aren’t getting paid enough and they won’t pay you more you need to slap on a smile tomorrow and start looking for a better paid job with a more people centred workplace. I don’t mean to be harsh but you aren’t going to change the work place environment and your energy would be better spent getting another job than worrying about this one. But no in general it’s not appropriate to cry at work

If you're not getting a salary rise, it's time to start job-hunting,

someone I managed once started crying at work and shared her personal issues with a group of colleagues she thought were friends. They then told me about what happened but almost as a complaint. The general consensus is that they found the crying colleague was oversharing and the crying was off-putting, they didn’t know how to react and felt they were in a weird situation and distanced themselves, it was distracting them from work etc.

so ultimately by crying at work you are placing yourself in a vulnerable position. I personally didn’t judge her but others did. You can’t control others reactions.

OP I get it. It's shit to be poor, cold and hungry whilst also having to perform like in some faceless corporate environment. It's the working class being abused and exploited yet again. You are not being paid enough for a dignified standard of living but you're not 'allowed' to get upset about!!! Your manager is the uncaring face of this system. He's not your friend. The erosion of living standards in this country is obscene. I'm angry for you and for everyone who is suffering the stress of poverty in modern Britain.

I've cried a few times to my manager and he's always been amazing. You can't always keep your emotions in.

Jesus fucking Christ people on this forum have become so bloody nasty. It’s like every bloody mean girl has nothing better to do than snot someone when they’re down.

I’m sorry you are going through this @op. You don’t deserve this. You came here for some support. You deserve better.

I cried during an appraisal, just feeling a bit raw that day and nervous about a big presentation later on the same day and just broke a bit from the probing (my performance is excellent).

My manager said something along the lines of,

Oh dear, I've put my foot in it, are you OK? I'm very sorry (some silence while I hard ugly cried). Do you want to continue? (I didn't, needed time to process). 10 mins later an email to apologise and suggest we talk again in a few days and no hurry to complete the appraisal (it had been rushed).

I don't gel with this manager very well, but THAT is how a manager should behave.

I am really on the fence about crying at work.

As a manager, it is really really hard dealing with a regular crier. Other team members come to me saying, "I don't know how to talk to him/her" and then there's me trying to give necessary, normal feedback whilst trying not to set them off.

That said, the first time someone cries or otherwise has an outburst I'm super sympathetic and tell them to take the afternoon off, etc. Second, third, etc. time I react pretty much as your manager did, sorry.

I think the reason you cried is relevant. If it's because of something outside of work then you may expect your manager to react differently compared to if they are raising a performance issue.

I'm a manager and I'm currently dealing with someone who has poor performance. She also has some family issues , which in her case she uses as an excuse for mistakes she makes at work..

I started off by giving her lots of sympathy about her difficulties , but felt she was taking advantage.

I've taken a step back as I'm her manager, not a counselor. That's not to say that if she cried that I would just shut the conversation down like your manager did.. But I would definitely be quite business like about it, rather than behave like a friend. I would probably have said let's leave this meeting for another day and then emailed a day or so later to ask if the person wants a catch up to see if the cause of the upset was something we could address. But I wouldn't be offering tea and sympathy.

All of the "you should never cry", "it's exhausting having to manage people who cry" managers posting on here are a bit concerning.

Of course it's not the easiest, and no one enjoys it, but it's partly why you're paid to be a manager - to support them.

I've managed neurodiverse and anxious people who simply could not regulate their emotions (and there are loads more undiagnosed people out there too). They're more likely to struggle at work in the first place and then when facing "criticism" of any kind can be extra-sensitive.

Having unofficial rules that "any crying in the workplace is unacceptable" is extremely ableist.

Oh fgs. It’s not. And nowhere has to have rules like crying in the workplace is unacceptable because every adult knows that generally it’s not acceptable.

in your case surely you would know what her performance was like prior to her family issues, so can judge whether this is just a temporary state where she may not be thinking clearly for good reason, or if she has been shit from day one.

even then sometimes people have to start a new job in the hardest of circumstances, and it would be sensible to try and give them the benefit of the doubt and to support them.

Saying "it's not acceptable" is literally ableist @Eyerollcentral.

Someone with adhd or autism might have meltdowns or shutdowns from things everyone else ignores (noise in the office, high temperatures) and also be very "rejection sensitive" and emotional to criticism.

Both of these can involve crying but doesn't make them bad employees or bad at their jobs or unprofessional. People just have different reactions to stimuli.

We won't have equality in the workplace until we move away from views like yours.

Most people crying in the workplace don’t have adhd or autism though do they? Most people of course do make allowances where required for those who need all kinds of assistance to be in the workplace.
BTW I’ve worked with autistic people in more than one job and been extremely supportive, I have neuro diverse close relatives myself so I have a lot of personal experience too. I’ve helped autistic colleagues work through more than one meltdown, listened to them and indeed on one occasion I had to alert a colleague’s mental health team when they didn’t appear in to work and had attempted an overdose. Please don’t presume to lecture me on supporting neuro diverse people in the workplace. Most people crying at work are not neuro diverse.

Methinks is only used by the terminally self- satisfied and unfunny.

I'm not lecturing you. Its great that you know what it's like working with people with diagnosed conditions and that you are a supportive colleague when you're aware of their conditions.

My point above was also that there are many more undiagnosed (and interestingly most of these are likely to be women).

It also shouldn't be a special accommodation to neurodiverse people that they're allowed to feel things when no one else is because they're "different". It should be fine and normal to understand emotions will happen in the workplace.

This is a limitation of working from home I think, if you were in the office it's far less likely a manager would walk away mid crying and then ignore you for the rest of the day. To be honest though it's a tricky one, some people would hate a manager asking if they're alright and would value it not being mentioned again, whilst some such as yourself evidently wanted to talk about it and be checked up on. Again personally I think this is a bit of remote working downfall, you don't tend to know colleagues as well.

I don't think it makes them a terrible manager but can see why you're upset, if someone asks though anything else to talk about, if you do want to them tell them! Or if you feel a chat would have been helpful later you could have messaged them. Is there any chance they didn't notice?

I’m a manager and have (and would continue to) checked in on someone who was visibly upset. I wouldn’t have ended the call that way and I would have certainly checked in later in the day or the next morning. Hope you are ok OP, keep strong and keep delivering, I haven’t read it all but I think being upset with your performance or feedback is a normal thing and shows you care. I think you are right that he doesn’t sound a very good people manager!

I think he handled it fine. Can't think of anything worse than being checked up on after the embarrassment of crying in a meeting. I would rather move on and it be forgotten about. He acknowledged you were upset and asked if you had anything you wanted to add which is enough IMO,

‘We won't have equality in the workplace until we move away from views like yours.’ This is incredibly patronising and yes lecturing.
Most people in the work place do not have undiagnosed mental health problems or undiagnosed neuro diversity. In any event most people with any life experience can identify colleagues who are more sensitive or vulnerable without needing to be told they are more sensitive or vulnerable.
‘It should be fine and normal to understand emotions will happen in the workplace’ It is fine to have emotions in the workplace. It’s not really fine to impose those emotions on others - do you feel the same about rage or anger as you do about crying? Do you think someone should be able to pound their desk, shout and scream? What’s the difference?

It depends.

If it was a review and the feedback was negative which resulted in you crying so much the review had to be stopped I would actually be cross. I’ve never had staff behave in that way. How unprofessional.

I love the idea that people can control when they do or don't cry. I'd bloody love to be able to, but it's an involuntary response. You may as well tell me not to blush or not to sweat.

I can sometimes keep a lid on it for long enough to escape and find a bathroom or somewhere to hide. Not always. It's easier now I work from home.

I'm an excellent employee and I always deliver. I'm also someone who cries easily. I think probably once or twice a year on average at work but I reckon I managed to hide 75% of those at least well enough that everyone could pretend it didn't happen. When I was in a super high stress situation and working from home I was probably crying every week and my manager definitely had me have a full on tears and sobbing moment. Luckily for me I know they judge me on my performance not the odd incident and I've had a promotion since then.

Wow. The lack of empathy on this thread is awful.

I hope you are OK @souleyes