I cried in front of my manager

[souleyes]

Over teams about my performance evaluation. He said he could see I was upset and did I have anything else to add. I said no (wiping away my tears) and he said ok speak later and left the call.

I wasn’t hysterical, but upset enough for physical tears. We didn’t speak later and he didn’t even send a message to check I was ok.

Am I expecting too much from a manager? I’m not expecting him to drop everything and hold my hand. Just some empathy, not literally hanging up on me.

@souleyes Can you tell us exactly what made you so upset? It would help with the context.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish 🙁

So WHY were you crying OP?
So far we've got half a story about a teams meeting and you bawling, but despite several folk asking, you haven't said why.

And without that info, YADBU!

I'm sorry that happened. As a manager, I think it's an odd response from him. He's clearly not a great or perhaps experienced manager if that's how he's left it.

A good response should have been, "I can see you're upset, do you want to discuss anything with me?"

Even if you still said no, his response should have been "Take a 5-10 minute breather and then come back. If you want to talk then drop me a message/I'm free at X time." Then tomorrow he should be following up with a one liner, even if it's a peppy positive message about it being a new day but that he's happy to discuss any issues you may have.

As managers, MH and employee wellbeing should be on our radar, not just because of staff retention but also because you're part of a team and human.

Shake it off, unless it's something big then all will be forgotten soon enough.

Why were you crying OP? It’s hard to form an opinion without knowing that.

Well, I would say if you've cried already months ago, then it is a regular occurrence. Maybe if you could say what is upsetting you?
What made you cry in work the last time? Was that also related to your performance review?

I wouldn't leave staff crying, but a bit of context might help here. I'm sorry you feel upset.

No you are not expecting too much. Imo empathy is the no1 quality a manager needs.
I have cried (full on ugly crying) at my manager and he was fantastic. He even mentioned my ability to ask for help as a positive in my next review. Similarly I've had most of my team cry in meetings with me, and it's my job to help them through whatever is upsetting them. Work takes up a large chunk of our lives and sometimes shit gets on top of us - a manager is there to help us through it.

I have people cry in front of me all the time

1. If it’s just eyes welling up and they are trying to keep it under control I don’t acknowledge it - that tends to “tip” people over
2. If they are crying like you’ve described I’ll say something like “I can see you’re upset, would you like to discuss what’s going on for you here” and then let them lead. If they are clear here that they don’t want to (angry tear wiping etc or a flat out no) I just move on
3. Proper sobbing - “ok you’re clearly very upset right now, let’s take 5 minutes to compose and come back to this”

Regardless of tears - if you need to have a difficult as a manager you have to have it. You can’t avoid because someone is/might cry.

I would always check back in with someone either the same day or next.

I have had one employee cry in front of me because she was not chosen for a promotion, and one cry because she was being reprimanded for serious performance issues. While I did try to comfort them, I do think it's best to manage feelings of professional disappointment at home. Crying in front of your manager twice in a year is not ideal, but in some circumstances I think it's understandable. Can you share why you have cried at work?

*difficult conversation

It doesn't matter why she was crying unless it's something deeply personal (and should still be controlled) it's unprofessional and you need to hold your shit together. Take it on the chin and deal with it privately and then readdress with your manager once you've regained composure. It's not his job to check in that you're OK. People crying at work is a drain and unnecessary.

Is it his problem to deal with though?

No-one can have an opinion without knowing why you were crying.

If this thread is anything to go by, no wonder he couldn't get off the call quick enough.

I had staff cry on me a lot in my old management job, it happens, especially in a high stress environment. Some people aren't very good at dealing with it though, one of my team leaders could never handle a crier, he'd always exit stage left as soon as tears started.

If I had a staff member visibly upset in a 1-2-1 situation like that I definitely couldn't just hang up on them. It's one thing to be too emotionally invested in your staff, another entirely to just bail the minute they show any emotion. You can be empathetic without being inappropriate, I don't know why some people think managers should be totally cold and unapproachable.

Doesn't matter what you were crying about either, I don't know why people are so fixated on that, emotions can be unpredictable and annoying, I've cried over next to nothing in the past. Tearing up because a performance review didn't go as expected or was disappointing is hardly unusual. I'm sorry you feel rubbish about the whole situation OP.

Manager here too and yes I would have messaged at the end of the day to check in and asked if you wanted to speak again this week

Performance management conversations are tough and draining to do so while I am not making excuses for him it may be that he has had to deliver multiple difficult conversations and couldn’t handle another one. Or as you say he is maybe just a shit people manager. Many line managers are just in that position because they are the most senior in the team from a technical perspective and not people focused at all (and I think some in that category have made their way in to this thread)

The OP has not provided details on why she was upset but as performance evaluations often link to pay and reward, I can understand why it might end up being an emotional conversation, especially in the current environment

If he'd called to ask why you were upset would you have told him or been mysterious about it like you are being on here?

I don't think it's that relevant why OP cried personally

An employee cried and a manager does have a duty of care regardless of why they're crying.

She could be crying because of something entirely unrelated to work - as a manager Id still feel that could affect her performance at work and be worth checking in over

I have bpd and cry a lot infront of allsorts of people managers, drs, utility companies, police, the council ect and some people are just really uncomfortable with people crying and don't know how to handle it this is a very individual thing. On occasions iv had more empathy from hmrc staff and the postman then I have from therapists and drs. I honestly wouldn't take it personally or overthink it, it's just one of them things.

Just for context I’m the only person reporting in to him.

And yes there’s a high percentage that I won’t be getting any pay rise and I’m already on a very low wage compared to the average for my industry.

I’m already having to go without heating every other day and live off one meal a day (not being a victim it’s just a sad reality and countless people have it much worse). So it’s just going to be even more of a struggle to have anything left after my outgoings.

Ok it’s a bit of a running joke between me and DH over how many employees have cried in front of me (seriously good and not so good performance appraisals, it really doesn’t matter!).

OP you are thinking your manager should be helping you to manage your emotions. In your managers place I would have done the same. You are an adult that should be able to regulate your emotions. It’s not on them to check in with you or make you stay in a meeting.

I will say this separately. So there is no confusion. The problem isn’t with you crying. All people have let their emotions get the better of them from time to time. The problem is that you expected your manager to do something about you you crying.

Wow you sound lovely 🙄 im so glad you and your husband find other people's struggles so amusing.

I didn’t expect him to do anything about my crying? I don’t get what you mean. Virtually hand me a tissue or change what he was saying? Can’t say any of those crossed my mind.

Well all people should regulate their emotions at all times and work like robots on a conveyor belt too apparently.

This with bells on! And, yes I'm a manager of a large team. There's a time to check in on someone and there's times when you just have to let them get on with it.

Yes I totally come home and wring my hands with glee every time an employee cries. 😒

You missed the part where I said it has happened with both good and bad news? In case you need it it spelled out it’s called a coping mechanism… Managers are real people with emotions of their own they aren’t allowed to show the world.

I think there was a misunderstanding. Your manager asked whether you had anything else to add; you said no, and he presumed that you didn't want the meeting to continue, so he ended it. Yes, he could have checked in with you later, but he probably thought you wanted to process everything by yourself. He may mention the meeting tomorrow.

If you're on a very low wage for your industry and have now been told that you're not getting a pay rise, you might want to start looking for a new job, especially if you don't feel supported by your manager.

Well if he was giving you constructive feedback and you cried, that's quite awkward. I don't blame you, I can be emotional as well and as a nice human he could've followed up to check you were OK. But maybe he was uncomfortable and felt it would be confusing if he metioned it, he may also think you're embarrassed so also isn't mentioning for that reason. That's the problem with other people, you don't know what they're thinking so best not to make assumptions