I cried in front of my manager

[souleyes]

Over teams about my performance evaluation. He said he could see I was upset and did I have anything else to add. I said no (wiping away my tears) and he said ok speak later and left the call.

I wasn’t hysterical, but upset enough for physical tears. We didn’t speak later and he didn’t even send a message to check I was ok.

Am I expecting too much from a manager? I’m not expecting him to drop everything and hold my hand. Just some empathy, not literally hanging up on me.

I notice a lot of the anti-crying posters have posted overnight. How interesting.

In the real world, people cry. There are good managers and bad managers, just like there are good employees and bad ones.

OP it sounds like you were disappointed with your appraisal. Don’t beat yourself up for being upset, it’s understandable, especially if you are having a tough time generally.

Can you unpick the conversation a bit? Appraisal conversations shouldn’t be a surprise and nothing negative should be raised that you hadn’t previously been aware of.

Was the feedback fair and accurate?

Were you given clear direction and offered support to address any concerns?

if the salary review was disappointing, when might this be looked at again?

Depending on your reflections on the questions above, your decision is whether to grit your teeth and keep going, or whether to back yourself and look for something better.

You were not unreasonable to cry.

OP it would help if you could explain what was upsetting you? Was it related to your evaluation or something else non work related?

@MummyJ36 she does say down thread that no pay increase and she already can only afford one meal a day / no heating etc

Depends on what you are like in general day to day life. Are you someone who is always emotional, doesn't have to be crying but just getting very sensitive to things then probably he just would have had enough. He is a manager, not a therapist. If it is a rare occasion then he could have shown empathy, but you can't force empathy out of people. If it was me then I would have checked on you, but he is not me and his way of dealing with difficult situations might be giving people space and letting them get on with it.

I know you are having a difficult time, but you don't know if he is having a difficult time too. Sometimes when people are going through a lot themselves it's hard for them to empathise with others because for them their own problem is bigger and other peoples problems seem trivial compared to it. Doesn't justify it but people don't normally think rationally when they are going through something.

It’s hard not to get emotional when conversations are linked to salary and you need the money. I have worked in a brutal industry for years and never cried about work but I did come pretty close during a conversation where I was told an expected and merited payrise wasn’t happening due to operational reasons. It was nothing to do with work but the disappointment that my life wasn’t getting any better like I expected. People are human whether you like it or not and I’m pretty close to robot at work.

I can't believe people are having a pop at OP for crying quietly in an appraisal, especially as she has just said she is struggling to keep herself afloat financially. Imagine how you'd feel.

Ah my mistake. I mean fair enough I understand the issue. The problem is her manager likely doesn’t have any control over whether she gets a pay rise. It depends what industry she’s in. Delivering news like that must suck.

This.

Some of the people on here. Honestly, I despair. No wonder the UK has such a bad productivity rating with all these pull your socks up kind of managers. The OP didn't cry in front of clients while pitching for business. She cried in a closed meeting with her manager while having a difficult conversation. They're just so proud of themselves with their 'no nonsense' attitudes while completely missing the point that people are different and you get more out of people by treating them accordingly.

A good manager would have sent you a message checking you're okay, obviously OP. Unfortunately this thread shows there are very few of these out there. One reason why I'm self employed.

Is there any chance of you changing to a different line manager (applying internally) or changing jobs in the near future OP? Sometimes you have to change companies to get pay rises as they can be shortsighted enough not to see that a small pay rise is much more efficient use of funds than a recruitment process and bedding in a new worker!

I did that once f2f with my manager. I hated my job. I pulled a 50 hour plus week. The organisation was dysfunctional.

I secured £300m of funding (first time anyone did this in UK and probably the last - cant give details as outting) and was told I was just good at my job cos after 12m I hadn't changed the culture of the company. I cried because it was futile working there. Stayed for 4 more tears so my CV wasn't dented and gladly took redundancy. It's still dysfunctional today, so who's doing culture change cos that's not what middle managers can do on their own...

You should expect some empathy if you're so upset you're crying. It's on them if they aren't showing that basis human behaviour.

Sending you a hug x

OP did not mention struggling in her original post though. I don’t think there is anything wrong with crying but she indicated that she didn’t want to talk about it and if her manager had carried on then he would also be getting blamed for that. OP, suggest you digest and go back to your manager / HR if you feel that you have been treated unfairly or even start looking for another job if you can. Hope it works out ok.

I’m not too sure what he actually said ro be honest, I understand the pay rise issue, but I’d not expect him to effectively mother you after a poor appraisal . Do you have no support network?

There is a huge stigma about crying in this country, and especially about crying at work. I have worked in extremely challenging situations where there was an expectation that if you cried you were 'weak'. Like many others, I ended up crying in the toilet or bottling it up and crying when I left the building.

Yet, things matter. Our work matters. Like to OP, I have been desperate to do well in a job, and very fearful that I would lose the job and lose the only source of income for my family. So, I have cried when negative performance reviews have occurred. I cried because the work mattered. I cried because there was already so much stress in my life.

Some performance reviews can be harsh. They shouldn't be, but they are. Yet the onus is on the recipient of the review to remain calm and to take all the criticism on board. The onus is on the recipient because it makes it easier for the deliverer to deliver the negative news. We are taught not to cry because it embarrasses those who have to criticise.

I'm amazed at the number of people who think we should never cry or show emotion in work.
OP shed a few tears, she didn't curl up into a ball sobbing.
My boss would have given tissues and sweets (I know not possible over teams!) and tried to help. She's a crier too though so it's seen as not a particularly big deal.

It sounds like your boss was just massively uncomfortable with it all and wanted it to go away. In his shoes he could have at least got somebody else to check in and see how you are feeling.

I’m already having to go without heating every other day and live off one meal a day (not being a victim it’s just a sad reality and countless people have it much worse). So it’s just going to be even more of a struggle to have anything left after my outgoings.

This sounds incredibly tough so I'm not surprised you are a bit tearful. Maybe time to brush up your CV and move on?

I hope you're feeling a bit better now?

That is more than a lot!

You seem to think that many people commenting here haven’t been through exactly the same thing. I have (bar the crying). That’s why I said you are better to focus on a new job with better pay than worrying about this as you can’t change the work environment. Tbqh I don’t know how people think saying he is a rotter and cry all you like at work is practical or helpful advice for the OP here. She needs support to get a new job so she can earn more money. Crying at the manager isn’t going to get her a pay increase.

Threads like this remind me of why I'd never, ever post on here for any kind of support 😬

Not everyone is capable of holding in their emotions and only crying behind closed doors - sometimes people have a lot going on and all it takes is a stressful meeting or an irate customer to push them over the edge.

You may not think crying is very professional but personally, I think it's even less professional to belittle people who happen to deal with their emotions in a different way to you.

I manage and if someone was visibly upset at the end of any of our calls, I’d say ‘is there anything you would like to talk about’ if they said no, I’d absolutely check in later to say hope you’re ok and please reach out if you’d like to talk about anything. Why would that be weird or inappropriate??

I find that appalling behaviour. As a leader you need to get to the bottom of it. I have dealt with rape, murder, domestic violence, firing people, brpereavement unwanted pregnancies. People don't just rock up and tell you. They sit and cry and you have to wait it out then help them through it. I have say and cried with them. That's a great people leader, not just leaving them too it. Just awful.

Maybe he will check in with you today. He did ask if you were ok on the call and did you want to talk anymore so he has probably just thought to leave you alone for a bit and see how you are. If there is no follow up further down the line but to be honest if I had a male manager I would have less expectations when it comes to handling emotions (not that it should be that way or is necessarily true for all male managers, and that all female managers are glorious when it comes to it). Assuming the news he delivered is out of his control too and he may be in a similar boat too.

• sorry meant to say ‘if there is no follow up further down the line it would be a bit rubbish but to be honest’ etc…

Your manager is not a robot either. Perhaps he just felt a bit awkward.

*Is it his problem to deal with though?

No-one can have an opinion without knowing why you were crying.

If this thread is anything to go by, no wonder he couldn't get off the call quick enough.*

Massive bellend alert. This must be the guy in question.

You still haven’t said why you were crying, which makes it hard to say if YABU or YANBU.

Crying because you’ve had some terrible news - YANBU

Crying because he’s given you some justified negative feedback - possibly YABU

speaking from experience, a job that makes you cry and anxious for the next day is not a job to stay in. Look for something else.

She absolutely has said why she was crying: she was hoping for (expecting?) a pay rise which was very important as she's struggling to feed herself and heat her home.