I cried in front of my manager

[souleyes]

Over teams about my performance evaluation. He said he could see I was upset and did I have anything else to add. I said no (wiping away my tears) and he said ok speak later and left the call.

I wasn’t hysterical, but upset enough for physical tears. We didn’t speak later and he didn’t even send a message to check I was ok.

Am I expecting too much from a manager? I’m not expecting him to drop everything and hold my hand. Just some empathy, not literally hanging up on me.

I'm a union rep and people cry in front of me regularly, often as a result of holding something in for too long. Teachers so a lot of "performing" and "putting a face on" for most of the time, sometimes it just spills out.

Yes but you are their rep not their employer. I’ve cried at work myself but never in front of others.

I’ve got a crier on my team. It’s really tough actually because it’s hard to have a constructive conversation without setting them off. Sometimes I think it’s used as a defensive tactic to put off the conversation. And before anyone jumps in, I’m not a terrible person, other much nicer people than me have made them cry too.
Also, as a person if I cried in front of my manager I’d be mortified. I’d hope we never had to speak about it again and would value them not talking about it.

Nowhere has the OP mentioned being neurodiverse.

A manager owes all team members a safe working environment and normal human sympathy, but we're not counsellors. He acknowledged you were upset and brought the meeting to a close. That's perfectly fine.

I confess I had to leave a meeting once because I was so frustrated I felt the tears welling up. My manager noticed and said, "Let's take a break and discuss this tomorrow ". I really appreciated that because it gave me the space to regroup.

I don't think there's anything wrong with crying as it can't be helped and we are all human, I think expecting people to respond as you need to (which is different for everyone) in a work environment isn't always realistic though.

The first person I ever managed would cry whenever they had any even slightly negative feedback. It was always delivered mindfully, never in front of others and always sandwiched with positives and how I was going to support them going forward so never a telling off or whatever else. It was quite tiring in honesty, we spoke about what I could do to help and they said they'd appreciate not hearing negatives, not realistic. Did compromise and agreed sending them via email so they could read them alone and digest before speaking about was fair.

I don't think you need to worry about the crying. It happens sometimes and managers will have seen it before, and understand that you are only human.

However, I also don't think that he did anything wrong. You asked for a pay rise and he said no. Or you expected one to happen automatically and it isn't going to happen due to your performance or the company's performance as we head towards recession.

So that was hard for you to hear but there was no other way to say it. He knew exactly why you were sad and that he couldn't do anything about it. It was a professional meeting and he did the right thing in seeing your discomfort and giving you the relief of ending the call once he'd checked that you didn't want to discuss anything else.

In that situation, I wouldn't have checked in on you later either. To what purpose? He knows why you are sad and that you will continue to be sad but that he can't help. Really, I think he would assume that you have some family or friends to support you.

I am so sorry for the harsh responses you are getting here op. Only being able to afford 1 meal per day is NOT normal and I think a lot of people here have no idea about the stress of poverty and how it affects you. I am very sure you didn’t want to cry because who does want to do that in front of your manager? Unfortunately we can’t always hold it in. Fwiw I even cried during a job interview and I got the job. There are people who know it’s an involuntary human response to a lot of stress and won’t hold it against you. But I do agree that it’s time to plaster a smile on your face and go job hunting. It’s a shame you’re not getting paid enough to have a standard of living that doesn’t even allow you to get enough food and you need to think of yourself and find another job asap. I hope you go job hunting and that the odds may be in your favor. From one easily crying woman to another, I am sending you a big hug.

Theres some brain dead people on mumsnet!! She cried because obviously it didn't go that well, nobody knows whst the OP may or may not be going through in her personal life!
The manager obviously can't handle challenging situations and probably shouldn't be a manager. There's absolutely nothing wrong with reaching out to check your staff are emotionally well. I hope you're OK OP

That sounds so bloody draining to deal with. A lot of people don’t seem to be prepared for the realities of the workplace.

@Starflecked what kind of feedback was it that upset them?

This is a strange way to look at things. I’ve never we cried in front of any colleague in my 15 year career so far - for example. I’m hardly a robot. I’m a very/too emotional person and various others including spouse has seen me cry! It’s just that crying at work hasn’t ever been a thing that’s crossed my mind. You appear to think twice a year is “an okay number”. This is a bit of a strange way to think.

@CurlyhairedAssassin . She's a new member of staff so no I can't determine what's new and what isnt. I don't know why you assume we aren't supporting her, we are. But it has to be in the context of work . I'm sympathetic to her situation, but focus on the practical things we can do at work rather than listening to her as a friend would. ie, I've agreed a reduction in hours even though she's only been with us for a few weeks. It's a tricky line to walk when people bring issues from home into work.

No, alot of people expect them to have a degree of empathy. It makes the difference between being a good, approachable manager and royally shit one!

It would be stuff they needed to learn and that was important to the role, not nitpicking things for the sake of it and never personal like duh you suck why don't you know that. It'd always be backed up with what was done really well and would never be delivered as telling off or not being good enough; just can't keep doing the same thing incorrectly again and again otherwise never learn and others not likely to be as supportive of it.

For example it'd always be x, y is really good, can see why you've done z but it won't work for this reason- then discussion on whether they understood it or whether they needed some support with it. Never judgemental and I didn't mind helping, its a role which there's not much nuance as to whether something is right or wrong, if it's wrong it simply won't work. Think computer code, an actual computer says no if wrong. It wouldn't have been any kinder to not address it!

Not everyone has the same resilience ability and can physically control theor emotions. Do some research. Your comment is really ignorant.

My previous roles, crying would have been seen as a negative. Except by HR who begged for major emotional responses - she seemed to get some weird satisfaction.

My current role, all managers are supported to create genuine empathy and a supportive environment to get the best out of everyone, so crying isn’t a negative. And when it happens a genuine supportive response, with managers working to reach resolution, not just a pat on the head and meaningless sound bites.

This is one of the reasons the productivity and therefore profits in my current role are extremely healthy.

You’re living on one meal a day, OF COURSE you are crying. These are things that weaken our ability to regulate emotions:

1. being hungry
2. being tired 3)some medications, or lack thereof
3. illness

people who say “control your emotions” are fucking old school dicks, and they need to retire.

Omg the dissecting of you crying on this thread. Times are tough and you are financially struggling so I would have thought people would understand how you cried. I think it was your manager not knowing how to react and maybe feeling awkward. Don't feel anxious about it but try and be stronger today as it will then blow over and not be a big deal. Use your mishap yesterday as a motivator for resilience and strength

I would say your comment is more ignorant. Most people absolutely can control their emotions. People who have no additional needs absolutely can. People can learn how to increase their resilience and should be encouraged to do so. It’s not fair on others to be bursting in to tears at work. Other people are just trying to get through the day too. It’s really immature to say some people can’t control their emotions. The vast majority of people in the workplace can.

I also manage people and I feel the exact same way. I would never not check in.

If an employee is obviously upset it’s perfectly legitimate to end the call to allow them to reflect and recover. It’s recommended.

I probably would have checked in later in the day directly, just to say I know you were upset earlier, if you want to have a chat let me know and I hope you have a good evening- just to open the door in case they did want to talk.

But I do agree that it’s not completely clear what you wanted your manager to do, and I do also agree that normal feedback at work (absent a family death or something) should be something most people should be able to handle and that if this is making you so upset it might be a red flag that something else in your life is a problem.

Jesus . Sorry OP you are getting a load of shite here from people who have clearly never managed.

People management is not about simple authoritarianism- it's about helping get the best out of people. The whole person that is stressed about not being able to path their bills included.

FGS it's just common sense that people will, on occasion, demonstrate strong emotions.

This is wrong. An employer has a duty of care. If my managee or anyone I worked with tbf was upset i would check in on them.

Please ignore all the insensitive responses OP. Crying at work is perfectly normal and you aren’t being over sensitive etc. if you cry that’s just how you feel at that point in time and no one should be telling you it’s inappropriate or otherwise.

I agree your manager should have checked in with you later. 1. Because he has a duty of care to check you are ok and 2. Because you are a human being who was upset and that’s just the nice thing to do!

I hope you are ok though OP xxx

No but its difficult to advise if you were reacting reasonably without the wider context.

There are plenty of shockingly poor middle managers (and senior managers frankly) but you don't give enough information to work out if you have a bad manager who is bad at assessing and then delivering feedback, bad at delivering difficult feedback or if you are particularly sensitive.

So forget him - focus on the feedback. Was it difficult to hear but fair?
Was it factually correct? Was it correct but only against targets which were invented on the spur of the moment? If not what was the factually correct version?

Once you have worked out the answers to those questions you can work out your next steps and take control of the situation. Bear in mind that recession or no the jobs market is still very fluid and there is a general shortage of staff - other options may be available if you can't resolve the issues in your current place.