I cried in front of my manager

[souleyes]

Over teams about my performance evaluation. He said he could see I was upset and did I have anything else to add. I said no (wiping away my tears) and he said ok speak later and left the call.

I wasn’t hysterical, but upset enough for physical tears. We didn’t speak later and he didn’t even send a message to check I was ok.

Am I expecting too much from a manager? I’m not expecting him to drop everything and hold my hand. Just some empathy, not literally hanging up on me.

I’ve managed before and I’d never have just left someone to cry. I actually hate people crying in front of me but as a manager I was paid to deal with staff and everything that came with them (I no longer manage and don’t miss it!)

But clearly you did expect something different of him.

He just could not have left that call quicker. So the fact he didn’t followed up made me think he wants to just forget it happened so he doesn’t have to deal with it.

He’s ok, I just don’t think he’s a people manager.

And because I knew this was coming.

I will say this separately. So there is no confusion. The problem isn’t with you crying. All people have let their emotions get the better of them from time to time. The problem is that you expected your manager to do something about you you crying.

I would certainly not have ended the meeting at that point.
As difficult as it is to give someone disappointing feedback, it’s vital to build their confidence and give them key actions to aim for. Aside from that I would also consider that I have a duty of care towards the people I manage, so I wouldn’t be able to settle without making sure that person was okay .

Teams is a terrible format for an appraisal. I'd have set up a face to face as a manager and shown more empathy.

You say you only last cried in front of your manager months ago so you've cried at work twice within a year which is a lot unless you have personal problems.

Crying two times in a year in front of someone I speak to every (working) day? Neither time sobbing, just tears and me still being able to speak.

I really can’t believe that’s considered a lot ..

This could be a Men are From Mars and Women from Venus situation.

A woman manager is more likely to check in on you. But a man is more likely to apply his own male standards and think that you are embarrassed about your momentary loss of control and would not want it rubbed in your face by him asking how you are. Since you said you don't have anything to add he treated you like an adult and respected your wishes. Some men can also see women's tears as manipulative i.e. an underhand attempt to make him change his mind about the bonus and pay rise so he did not want to engage.

Sorry you are having a hard time. He does not sound like a very nice person or decent manager.

Could he hear or see you crying? Frankly I would have put my microphone on mute or switched my camera off if I felt uncontrollably upset in a virtual meeting. I think it’s odd if you proceeded to just cry on a video call whilst simultaneously not wanting to discuss it.

In the office, you can’t hide yourself crying easily in a meeting, but you certainly have options when working from home. Perfect time for “tech issues”

Crying at work isn’t ideal but it is what is. Unfortunately the extreme emotion will make colleagues uncomfortable. If anyone, your line manager is the one you should disclose to what’s upsetting you. Ie context behind the performance plan not going well or extenuating factors so they can offer support.

I don’t think managers have to check in with you about this. It could just be the very meeting itself was difficult for you, vs something serious happening with your well-being.

Were you expecting this feedback OP? Nothing should come as a surprise in an end of year appraisal, if your manager is raising performance concerns that have not previously been raised, that's poor management and I'd speak to HR as you haven't been given an opportunity to improve over the year.

I do think crying twice in a year at work in front of people is a bit unusual. Maybe worth a chat to your GP (or go back if you've been before) as you're clearly unhappy.

I’m already having to go without heating every other day and live off one meal a day

I imagine you'd be eligible for UC or something if you can't afford food.

Maybe post some approx budget/outgoings details up @souleyes ? As sometimes people can come up with some suggestions on here that might be worth considering.

To be brutally honest, I would never cry at work for any reason at all. I think it's quite unprofessional and a bit odd when adults do this.

Having said that, your manager has a duty of care and the way that he responded was wrong.

One of my first managers said something that’s always stuck with me when dealing with performance conversations - there should never be any surprises at the end of the year, unless it’s a positive surprise

While I wouldn’t immediately be running to HR, I would be asking for clear, evidence based feedback on where you have not met the expected standard. Absorb it and consider where you can make a change and also where you need support from him. Or if not him from someone else, but be clear on who that someone else is

Are you a jester from the 1600s?

Yes, this.

The thing is, you are supposed to conduct yourself in a certain way at work and that means keeping your emotions in check.

Context is important, but it can be unprofessional to cry at work - it gives you a reputation of being overbearing

I cried at work 2 times in a year due to finding out my parent died whilst at work. Before that, I never cried at work. I think my manager thought me crying on those occasions was seen as “justified” so I wasn’t treated differently. But she definitely didn’t know what to do to help me in the moment other than tell me to go to the bathroom and contact employee assistance.

A lot of my colleagues do regularly have outbursts at work over meetings or work pressure, whether that’s crying or swearing. I can’t lie, management do treat those people a bit differently. Ie every management conversation will have a witness or they prefer to speak to the person over email.

Basically my manager called me about a month ago I’m on maternity leave and it’s the first time I’ve had any contact with them really apart from going into store and my staff discount no longer working and could no longer log into my workday app! Management was no where to be seen.

anyway she called up had a lovely chat actually asked how I was how the family was and to let me know I had 28 days left of my maternity leave and just wondering if I had an idea if I was coming back or not. I told her I’d love to but unfortunately due to childcare I will be regrettably handing my notice in. She was lovely about it asked if I can do it right away so she could process it etc and told me to make sure I add to I will be resigning at the end of maternity leave not sooner.
she said I could either email it or bring it in. I chose to email it, I emailed it to them on the 13th of February and I’m still yet to have a reply or any acknowledgment that they’ve received it. Normal pay day is this Friday and I have no idea if it’s been processed and if I’m getting paid the holiday money and any money I’m owed.
i get on well with this particular manager but the management as a whole aren’t very approachable one in particular told me I wasn’t disabled enough to need to use a seat when I was having a particular bad flare up with my scoliosis. Knowing my luck it will be her that answers the call.

am I being unreasonable to of expected a response from my work place when emailing over the resignation…. Even just telling me to do one would have even been ok at least I know it’s been read. I’d worked there for over 6 years

Omg so sorry thought I’d put this on it’s own thread xx

Unless he personally attacked you, I can't see a good reason to cry. Do you have difficulty accepting criticism and accountability? If he did not cross any professional lines in his evaluation of your performance, it's hard to see how your crying was reasonable.

My boss is an absolute prick. He HAS crossed lines with me (yelled at me and slammed a stack of papers on my desk in front of co-workers). I kind of wanted to cry, but mostly wanted to throw my stapler at his face. I did neither, because I wanted to be the professional one. I calmly told him "don't EVER talk to me like that again or we'll have real problems". He's still a dick but hasn't crossed lines like that since.

I don't understand the people on here saying they would never cry at work like it's a choice other people make and should just buck up their ideas. Some people are just easy criers, I have a friend who cries at bad movies and gets embarassed about. She knows what she's responding to is total dreck but can't help it.

I have cried twice this year in front of my manager. I work in a high pressure area and have been doing a lot of overtime. I also have severe PPMD (interestingly since I've been medicated for this I am less suicidal in the week before my period but do cry much more). My manager knows all this and despite this my ability to thrive under pressure has been noted and rewarded with promotion. She knows the fact I have occasionally had a weep (usually while apologising for doing so) to her in private has no bearing on my ability to do my job or handle myself and my responsibilities.

Equally I've had the people I manage cry to me and I have seen no correlation between this and their proffesionalism and don't judge them for it. I think any manager who took the blanket view that crying at work is always unprofessional lacks empathy and would struggle to work with anyone who wasn't neurotypical, has mental health stuggles or has difficulties in their personal lives.

When people cry at work it's usually either 1) a way of venting/release and once it's out they feel better or 2) something coming to a head that I should maybe know about to support on. Both of those things fall under my responsibility as a manager (provided people are happy to share).

Out of interest to people who think crying is a big no no do you work in male dominated fields? Genuinely curious.

If you were upset about the performance rating he gave you, do you feel there is something you can change and work towards doing better next time? You say you are paid less than similar roles elsewhere so could you focus on applying elsewhere?
If you were upset about something separate to work could you get support from elsewhere as your manager doesn't sound equipped to support you.

Is it not a choice? Control your feelings.

Most people cry zero times in front of their manager. Twice in the space of a year is a lot.

I have managed a couple of people who had limited emotional regulation, and it’s exhausting, tbh.

I also think it’s interesting that you won’t tell us why you were crying.

Whilst I’ve already posted that I generally agree with your sentiment, this comment is a bit dim. If people can control their feelings by choice, most of the world’s issues wouldn’t exist surely. People aren’t infallible

I cry in front of my manager more often than I would think is normal. Crying when I don't want to is something I've struggled with for the longest time. I remember doing it at school. The way me and my manager manage it is that if it's just a little wobble we'll carry on. If it's getting the better of me I'll take 5 and we'll come back to it. I hate it but I'm not able to control it at all times. I've had upfront conversations with managers over the years about it, before it happens. So they can be prepared. It's still very embarrassing though, but the more annoyed and embarrassed I get the more I cry. It's a nightmare.

@SideEyeSally I don't work in a male-dominated field, but the only time I remember colleagues crying at work was when family members were terminally ill. Perhaps it does happen more often behind closed doors, but I don't think it's common at all.

It's irrelevant why you were crying. Posters are only asking because they are nosy.

I don't think your manager did anything wrong. He is not psychic and can't be expected to know what you would prefer him to do. I'd have done the same as him as I think most people in a professional meeting with their manager would be happy to gloss over crying. He asked if you wanted to say anything else and you said you didn't.