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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

419 replies

WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 08:59

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 07/03/2023 09:01

That is very strange

I haven't ever had any comments from anyone at all regarding anything children choose to wear.

I don't think anyone cares

FasterthanBolt · 07/03/2023 09:02

Ignore them. My son used to live in a Batman costume with fairy wings and my 'friend' used to go mad about it, sayings he didn't want to be seen out with him etc! He's now 17 and wears very boring jeans and t.shirts most of the time!

Original poster
WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 09:03

Nimbostratus100 · 07/03/2023 09:01

That is very strange

I haven't ever had any comments from anyone at all regarding anything children choose to wear.

I don't think anyone cares

It's happened on about 5 occasions and I'm completely baffled by it.

OP posts:
daisypond · 07/03/2023 09:04

Well, I might have thought a tutu wasn’t very practical for nursery, but that’s about it.

DowntownRegret1 · 07/03/2023 09:05

All those comments should let you know is that the speaker is pretty closed minded and a bit behind the times in their thinking.

It's 2023, most rational people understand that a child expressing themselves through their clothing doesn't necessarily relate to their gender identity.

DS saw a cute t shirt in the shop with Peppa Pig on, it had glitter and flowers and was in the girls section. Another time he saw a sequinned butterfly top and loved it. I got both for him and nobody has ever said anything to me, even when he's worn it to nursery. It's really not something you need to pay any attention to. I would just look at them a bit quizzically and ask 'oh, what makes you say that?' and get them to explain themselves. When they hear what they're saying out loud they'll probably realise how daft they sound.

Awumminnscotland · 07/03/2023 09:07

Yes. It's a thing for people who are so entrenched in their thinking of gender stereotypes that if a child dresses outside if that they get confused as to why and the current trend is cos they want to the other sex. We had it when my daughter was younger but she's grown her hair now and sometimes wears "girl" clothes so it confuses people less. But I agree it's nuts.

Original poster
WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 09:08

daisypond · 07/03/2023 09:04

Well, I might have thought a tutu wasn’t very practical for nursery, but that’s about it.

Nursery aren't bothered by it. If he takes it off he just puts it in his bag. Doesn't get in the way or stop him from doing anything. It's essentially a big skirt.

OP posts:
Lastnamedidntstick · 07/03/2023 09:09

Nimbostratus100 · 07/03/2023 09:01

That is very strange

I haven't ever had any comments from anyone at all regarding anything children choose to wear.

I don't think anyone cares

So if it’s never happened to you it’s never happened?

it absolutely does, and people do care. My girl was the same and some of the comments from adults were plain nasty- they ranged from my mum disapproving that she wasn’t dressed “nicely” and trying to make her get changed, to people stopping us in the street and asking why “he” was dressed in his sisters clothes.

Let him be o/p, and teach him that those who comment are the ones with a problem.

ItsNotReallyChaos · 07/03/2023 09:09

You just learn to ignore it.

People often thought DD was a boy because I liked dressing her in bright primary colours/blues/jeans and she didn't grow long hair until she was nearly 3.

I had people say 'but you've dressed her like a boy' if they'd referred to her as a boy and I said actually she's a girl.

Original poster
WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 09:10

Awumminnscotland · 07/03/2023 09:07

Yes. It's a thing for people who are so entrenched in their thinking of gender stereotypes that if a child dresses outside if that they get confused as to why and the current trend is cos they want to the other sex. We had it when my daughter was younger but she's grown her hair now and sometimes wears "girl" clothes so it confuses people less. But I agree it's nuts.

I think the trans comment was because he genuinely thought I might be raising my son that way, and was an attempt to be with the times. Utterly weird!

OP posts:
R0ckets · 07/03/2023 09:10

To be fair a tutu for nursery isn't very practical so that would be my only thought but I'd think the same regardless of the child's sex.

Other than that I'd ignore the comments, he's happy, your happy as long as the outfits are weather appropriate then I wouldn't give it any head space

Its2amimustbelonely · 07/03/2023 09:11

I get it with my son who has lovely shoulder length blonde hair. I'll admit it was our decision to keep it long when he was a toddler but now he's nearly seven and loves it. But Christ the comments we get about if he's a girl, when we're going to cut it, aren't we worried he'll get bullied. No, it just bloody hair. It's just a bloody tutu!

Original poster
WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 09:12

R0ckets · 07/03/2023 09:10

To be fair a tutu for nursery isn't very practical so that would be my only thought but I'd think the same regardless of the child's sex.

Other than that I'd ignore the comments, he's happy, your happy as long as the outfits are weather appropriate then I wouldn't give it any head space

They have a box of dressing up and tutus at nursery that kids can put on and wear all day if they like. There was a cute photo taken of about 10 kids all wearing one (they got permission from all the parents to send out before anyone asks). Nursery aren't bothered in the slightest.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/03/2023 09:13

He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I don't think you can really say this tbh, it's massively subjective and by any societal "rules" of fashion - your description does not suggest he looks great.

I'm sure there are gender double standards at play here (the trans comments) and yes, that sucks, but being brutally honest, I think to myself "interesting choice of outfit you've got there" when I see a girl wearing a tutu over her clothes, because it just isn't every day wear, it's part of a costume. Similarly to wearing a Spider-Man costume. A part of me does roll my eyes a bit at parents who let their kids wear them all the time, whatever the setting, because as much as self expression is great, kids do also need to learn to dress appropriately, and a tutu is rarely going to be that.

I wouldn't say anything, because it's none of my business. But I don't think it's that surprising people have thoughts about a child wearing tutus all the time, regardless of their sex.

CatMattress · 07/03/2023 09:13

Bonkers. DS lived in an else dress and red converse when he was 4. Sometimes a pink tutu and fairy wings over whatever he was wearing. People were way more offensive about the fact he grew long hair. Eventually he got so upset he asked to get it cut even thoigh he liked it long and was very vain about it. Now he's 11 and wears sludge colours and has classic boy short hair, but he's asked to dye it blue over the summer holidays so my little eccentric is in there somewhere.

Enjoy the crazy clothes while they last. Society will grind him down soo. Enough. And come up with a couple of stock phrases you can use to deal with grown up asking stupid questions. And give DS some, too, in case someone talks to him directly. "I love dressing up" or something simple to shut them down.

CatMattress · 07/03/2023 09:14

*Elsa dress

shattered25 · 07/03/2023 09:14

I think it's great he's confident and having fun with clothes. I used to go around in a tutu and all sorts of strange outfits. Even a feather boa at one point. Kids like to experiment. Life gets so boring as you get older might as well make the most of it being magical while you can x

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/03/2023 09:15

This is the best strategy against the whole trans nonsense.

Yes to wearing a tutu to nursery. No to being so ‘worried’ by it that you take you son to Thailand for irreversible surgery.

He sounds 🥰.

OneFrenchEgg · 07/03/2023 09:16

The trans debate is so prevalent right now that people can't see past it. Luckily we missed it with mine as they are teenagers but ds was always with painted nails, his older sisters stuff, mixed up with things from the 'boy' section.
I really don't like that clothes are so gendered.

MistyFrequencies · 07/03/2023 09:16

I get this. My son had nail polish on the other day, painting them with his sister. The local shop lady actually looked at him (me next to him) and said "why are you wearing nail polish? You are a boy! Is mummy experimenting on you? ".
I was furious. Cold hard stared her and said "what specifically do you mean by that?" She got all flustered and walked away.
People are stupid.

Mischance · 07/03/2023 09:17

It is partly this sort of attitude that fuels many young people being dissatisfied about their gender, as they feel totally defined by it. The sooner we reach a situation where these gender stereotypes are ground down and ditched the better.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/03/2023 09:17

ASofaNearYou

”I don't think you can really say this tbh, it's massively subjective and by any societal "rules" of fashion - your description does not suggest he looks great.”

Societal rules of fashion?! He’s 4. Jesus wept.

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 07/03/2023 09:17

I had this when DD was small.

A cashier at M&S said the school polos DD wanted were for boys.

Another in the Disney shop questioned her choice of t-shirt.

A fellow parent asked why she was wearing grey Hulk jogging bottoms.

I said, she likes them. End of conversation.

percypercypercy · 07/03/2023 09:18

but being brutally honest, I think to myself "interesting choice of outfit you've got there" when I see a girl wearing a tutu over her clothes, because it just isn't every day wear, it's part of a costume. Similarly to wearing a Spider-Man costume. A part of me does roll my eyes a bit at parents who let their kids wear them all the time, whatever the setting, because as much as self expression is great, kids do also need to learn to dress appropriately, and a tutu is rarely going to be that.

You know the vast majority of children (of course there are exceptions) will outgrow dressing up and fully understand the difference between their clothes and a costume Confused

I can't believe someone would eye roll because a child is wearing a tutu. How utterly small your world must be.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 07/03/2023 09:19

How would you "raise" a child as trans?
Even if there were such a thing as a trans child (there isn't) surely the general rhetoric is that they are somehow born that way?
What a stupid question.