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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

419 replies

WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 08:59

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/03/2023 09:19

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/03/2023 09:17

ASofaNearYou

”I don't think you can really say this tbh, it's massively subjective and by any societal "rules" of fashion - your description does not suggest he looks great.”

Societal rules of fashion?! He’s 4. Jesus wept.

I'm not saying he has to follow the rules. I'm saying she can't objectively say "he always looks great" when she knows full well she's described him looking a way most people don't think looks great.

cornflakegeneration · 07/03/2023 09:22

"Are you raising him trans?" 🤣

I don't know why people are so judgmental about other peoples choices.

My son at a similar age liked to have pink painted toenails, enjoyed putting on make up, and his favourite toys were Shopkins and My Little Pony.

He is now the most masculine boy ever who is into sports clothes and playing Fortnite.

(Not that I would care if he was still into make up etc, but none of these things "mean" anything at a young age)

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/03/2023 09:23

I don’t look at 4 year olds and judge how “great” they look or otherwise. Don’t know who would.

Original poster
WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 09:23

aSofaNearYou · 07/03/2023 09:19

I'm not saying he has to follow the rules. I'm saying she can't objectively say "he always looks great" when she knows full well she's described him looking a way most people don't think looks great.

Show quote history

But, he really does, he's always presentable, hair always brushed clean teeth etc, he's happy, content and confident, and that to me is the definition of a child who looks great.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 07/03/2023 09:23

'interesting choice of clothes' is not a particularly terrible comment to make - was your child offended?

JeimeHonfUcoim · 07/03/2023 09:24

The answer to the question in your thread title is "Because they are sexists". mostly, just ignore them, but ensure that your son knows how to recognise and name sexism as and when appropriate.

your son sounds brilliant, and you are doing brilliantly to have raised a confident and happy child.

you may find this article interesting.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 07/03/2023 09:24

Agree OP - don't listen to them and let him be, I bet he looks seriously awesome.

Harls97 · 07/03/2023 09:25

I'm 17 weeks pregnant. Am I okay to dye my hair and eyebrows?

ArcticSkewer · 07/03/2023 09:26

He probably just looks incredibly middle class in a big city kind of way, but you live in a small town so people aren't as used to the wacky liberal middle class parenting look.

Switchwitch · 07/03/2023 09:26

My DS does the same at nearly 4 and I've never had any comments at all.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 07/03/2023 09:27

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/03/2023 09:23

I don’t look at 4 year olds and judge how “great” they look or otherwise. Don’t know who would.

Agree

I mean if you can't rock a tutu at Greggs at 4 years old when can you Grin

CatOnTheChair · 07/03/2023 09:27

I love it when it is clear the child has decided what to wear. It always makes me smile.
Let your son wear what he wants. It won't be long before he is in uniform 5 days a week.
I can still picture my oldest deciding shorts, teeshirt, wellies, hat and gloves was a great tesco outfit.

Original poster
WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 09:27

Harls97 · 07/03/2023 09:25

I'm 17 weeks pregnant. Am I okay to dye my hair and eyebrows?

Hi Harls97. Would really recommend starting a thread in the style and beauty topic as there are lots of people there who will help out. More than happy for you to use this thread to seek help doing that if you get stuck though! (P.s. I think it's generally OK to dye your hair whilst pregnant but never any harm in asking)

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2023 09:28

I love seeing kids in outfits they’ve clearly picked themselves or a dress up costume. I sometimes comment how nice they look.

NurseCranesRolodex · 07/03/2023 09:28

Strange.
In this day and age it's incredible to me that people still want to perpetuate sex class stereotypes. I couldn't give a toss what any child or adult wears. More diversity please.

What does disgust me is when society sees differences or non stereotypical clothes etc and assumes the kid must be 'trans' because they aren't conforming. Boring and dangerous. Let your kid wear what he wants just be mindful of other people indoctrination him that he must be 'trans'.

Original poster
WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 09:29

ArcticSkewer · 07/03/2023 09:26

He probably just looks incredibly middle class in a big city kind of way, but you live in a small town so people aren't as used to the wacky liberal middle class parenting look.

I can't work out if this is an underhanded dig or not 😂

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/03/2023 09:30

*You know the vast majority of children (of course there are exceptions) will outgrow dressing up and fully understand the difference between their clothes and a costume

I can't believe someone would eye roll because a child is wearing a tutu. How utterly small your world must be.*

Thanks for the excessive insults 😂

I'm not saying anything ground breaking here. I don't particularly care and I don't actually roll my eyes, or even mentally do it when I see it as a one off. But yes, when I see a child that is always dressed in fancy dress a part of me does think "well this child isn't being particularly prepared for school starting imminently". That's it. Not a lot of time left for them to grow out of it - they're already at the point they will need to dress a certain way sometimes.

I can see a lot of people feel very strongly about this but I'm not going to grovel to people who are being more judgmental and aggressive towards people who have slightly different thoughts to them, then I ever am of children wearing tutus. There's no need to be so defensive, not everyone will agree that total self expression, to the point of wearing costumes, is a good thing for kids to do all the time.

Harls97 · 07/03/2023 09:32

I didn't mean to post on here. Sorry still getting use to this

ChristmasSirens · 07/03/2023 09:32

aSofaNearYou · 07/03/2023 09:13

He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I don't think you can really say this tbh, it's massively subjective and by any societal "rules" of fashion - your description does not suggest he looks great.

I'm sure there are gender double standards at play here (the trans comments) and yes, that sucks, but being brutally honest, I think to myself "interesting choice of outfit you've got there" when I see a girl wearing a tutu over her clothes, because it just isn't every day wear, it's part of a costume. Similarly to wearing a Spider-Man costume. A part of me does roll my eyes a bit at parents who let their kids wear them all the time, whatever the setting, because as much as self expression is great, kids do also need to learn to dress appropriately, and a tutu is rarely going to be that.

I wouldn't say anything, because it's none of my business. But I don't think it's that surprising people have thoughts about a child wearing tutus all the time, regardless of their sex.

That’s just a matter of taste. He thinks he looks great, his mum thinks he looks great. Who are you, the grand high arbiter of fashion?

Plus, he’s 4. He’s got the whole of the rest of his life to conform. It’s not our job to squash out children’s childhoods so that random strangers prefer their aesthetic.

Dudum · 07/03/2023 09:33

A hulk tshirt and a tutu is an interesting choice of outfit though.

If that's an offensive observation the world is truly fucked.

Yellowdays · 07/03/2023 09:33

My eldest son used to go to nursery at the primary school in a Batman outfit. He wouldn't leave the house otherwise!

Rupiduti · 07/03/2023 09:33

I find tutus really impractical, especially at nursery so I wouldn't allow a girl or boy to wear it to nursery but other than that YANBU. Children should be able to choose what they wear!

Original poster
WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 09:34

aSofaNearYou · 07/03/2023 09:30

*You know the vast majority of children (of course there are exceptions) will outgrow dressing up and fully understand the difference between their clothes and a costume

I can't believe someone would eye roll because a child is wearing a tutu. How utterly small your world must be.*

Thanks for the excessive insults 😂

I'm not saying anything ground breaking here. I don't particularly care and I don't actually roll my eyes, or even mentally do it when I see it as a one off. But yes, when I see a child that is always dressed in fancy dress a part of me does think "well this child isn't being particularly prepared for school starting imminently". That's it. Not a lot of time left for them to grow out of it - they're already at the point they will need to dress a certain way sometimes.

I can see a lot of people feel very strongly about this but I'm not going to grovel to people who are being more judgmental and aggressive towards people who have slightly different thoughts to them, then I ever am of children wearing tutus. There's no need to be so defensive, not everyone will agree that total self expression, to the point of wearing costumes, is a good thing for kids to do all the time.

Oh come on, it's not like I took him to a wedding dressed as iron man. He'll be fine at school, he'll be excited about the uniform and new friends. Not worried at all.

OP posts:
ChristmasSirens · 07/03/2023 09:35

WindowGazers · 07/03/2023 09:23

But, he really does, he's always presentable, hair always brushed clean teeth etc, he's happy, content and confident, and that to me is the definition of a child who looks great.

Show quote history

I think it sounds like he looks great. I always smile when I see kids who were clearly in full self-expression mode when they got dressed. It’s lovely.

TheOriginalEmu · 07/03/2023 09:35

its because people are so obsessed with putting everyone in a nice neat box that anything outside of that is too much for them. It’s pathetic.