Page 17 | Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

WindowGazers · 2023-03-07T08:59:44+00:00

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears. I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'. It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him! Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary. I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

Choconut · 07/03/2023 17:36

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 17:22

What has disability to do with anything??? What an horrendously ableist comment. Or poor??? I grew up poor, I was always dressed as nicely as my mother could afford to make me and yes that involved hand me downs and a lot of second hand clothes a lot of the time. How dare you think poor people cannot take pride in their appearance or present themselves well. Everyone I knew was poor growing up and ALL took great pride in their appearance. It’s not a negative thing to make children aware of themselves and how they present themselves. It is a negative thing to make that the centre of their being. It’s definitely not a positive thing to allow them to look like no one cares how they look.

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A disabled child may not be able to cope with the hair dressers and so have hair that get's chopped by his mum if she is ever able. A disabled child may not be able to cope with the feel of many materials or need clothes that are very loose to be able to cope with the feel of them. Fortunately I never cared how ds looked as long as he was happy and comfortable and safe. I felt that being happy and comfortable was far more important than looking good. But I guess some people value more shallow ideals.

I want him to take pride in what he does not how he looks.

daisypond · 07/03/2023 17:36

Added to which I’m disabled -a different one, lifelong and progressive. And some days I can barely get dressed, and I put on the first top, jumper and trousers that come to hand -hey, and sometimes mismatched socks. And I’d hate to think of people are judging me because I don’t meet their standards of “looking nice” and “taking pride in my appearance”.

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 17:43

Choconut · 07/03/2023 17:36

A disabled child may not be able to cope with the hair dressers and so have hair that get's chopped by his mum if she is ever able. A disabled child may not be able to cope with the feel of many materials or need clothes that are very loose to be able to cope with the feel of them. Fortunately I never cared how ds looked as long as he was happy and comfortable and safe. I felt that being happy and comfortable was far more important than looking good. But I guess some people value more shallow ideals.

I want him to take pride in what he does not how he looks.

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I haven’t once said a disabled child should be made to have their hair done a certain way or wear certain clothes, I’ve actually said the opposite in my posts. However it is ableist to say well they are disabled so they won’t care what they look like. I know several disabled children and adults and most of them do care very much how they look and want to look nice. Disability of course covers a vast swathe of conditions.

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 17:44

daisypond · 07/03/2023 17:36

Added to which I’m disabled -a different one, lifelong and progressive. And some days I can barely get dressed, and I put on the first top, jumper and trousers that come to hand -hey, and sometimes mismatched socks. And I’d hate to think of people are judging me because I don’t meet their standards of “looking nice” and “taking pride in my appearance”.

I have a chronic condition too. I know how hard it is some days to get dressed.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 07/03/2023 17:52

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 16:36

🤣 I haven’t said anything of the sort 🤣🤣🤣 bright colours are especially lovely on children. I did make the point that you v v rarely see a 4 yr old dressed head to toe in black - do you not agree with that? I said long hair on boys is often left hanging round their faces and looks untidy and more often then not the child has it because the parent likes it. I do keep saying I wouldn’t go out with my hair all over the place, wearing odd socks and in a cobbled together outfit so I wouldn’t expect my child to either.

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And here you are again making assumptions.

I have 3 boys, the other two have short (and what I’m sure you’d class appropriate) hair. As is to their taste.

It quite frankly fucks me off that you’ve decided based on my picture of one of my children that we’re messy, that he might be neglected and need a referral to social services, that we are forcing him to have long hair because of our own ideals. You need to get a grip!

DrHousecuredme · 07/03/2023 17:58

My ds once went to church with a pair of underpants on his head and nobody raised an eyebrow so I'm struggling to believe multiple people have commented on bright clothes and a tutu.

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 18:01

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 07/03/2023 17:52

And here you are again making assumptions.

I have 3 boys, the other two have short (and what I’m sure you’d class appropriate) hair. As is to their taste.

It quite frankly fucks me off that you’ve decided based on my picture of one of my children that we’re messy, that he might be neglected and need a referral to social services, that we are forcing him to have long hair because of our own ideals. You need to get a grip!

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Didn’t say any of that. You’ve made your own assumptions there. I said messy hair plus inappropriate clothing plus odd socks consistently would certainly have a teacher asking questions, because it looks like no one cares or that children are getting ready for school without the supervision of an adult. I didn’t say because a child has long hair someone should be referred to social services. In my experience most boys with long hair have long hair because their parents in like it, I didn’t say every single one.

MaryShelley1818 · 07/03/2023 19:09

I knew exactly what this thread was going to be about before I opened it.
I must admit in my experience very very few people care, they're probably just making conversation with you. A lot of these are all about the parents....mammy wants darling Hugo to have long straggly hair, wear tutus and nail varnish, a Unicorn tshirt and then everyone will know how progressive and cool she is. How free and liberated, and how gender stereotypes don't exist.
DS5 wears rainbow Joggers and loads of bright colours, but has a smart short hairstyle and I've never heard anyone comment on him. In jeans and a tshirt with trucks on he's still a delightful boy. I don't use him as an accessory or statement about myself.

I used to be part of a "cool" Scandi FB group from a retailer but they were obsessed with appearances, boys had to have long (usual horrible tatty) hair, have to be dressed in Frugi, only allowed to play with "alternative toys". There was one mam worshipped because she has about 7 of these children all wearing onesies, boys with long tats and little girl with shaved head. Just seems like they try too hard to be noticed then become offended if anyone comments. 😕

WimpoleHat · 07/03/2023 19:17

Or some parents are letting their children be independent, dress themselves and allowing them to wear what they want as long as it is weather and activity appropriate, style sense not really coming into it.

If we’re talking about younger children, then I disagree - young children wear clothes that you buy them, from the shops that you choose. My kids are older and absolutely have their own preferences. When they were little? Absolutely they wore clothes that reflected mine, as I bought them. And that was true even if I “let them choose”, because we’d go to the shops I liked etc etc.

XelaM · 07/03/2023 19:47

MaryShelley1818 · 07/03/2023 19:09

I knew exactly what this thread was going to be about before I opened it.
I must admit in my experience very very few people care, they're probably just making conversation with you. A lot of these are all about the parents....mammy wants darling Hugo to have long straggly hair, wear tutus and nail varnish, a Unicorn tshirt and then everyone will know how progressive and cool she is. How free and liberated, and how gender stereotypes don't exist.
DS5 wears rainbow Joggers and loads of bright colours, but has a smart short hairstyle and I've never heard anyone comment on him. In jeans and a tshirt with trucks on he's still a delightful boy. I don't use him as an accessory or statement about myself.

I used to be part of a "cool" Scandi FB group from a retailer but they were obsessed with appearances, boys had to have long (usual horrible tatty) hair, have to be dressed in Frugi, only allowed to play with "alternative toys". There was one mam worshipped because she has about 7 of these children all wearing onesies, boys with long tats and little girl with shaved head. Just seems like they try too hard to be noticed then become offended if anyone comments. 😕

This. It's all about the nutty parents

MultipleVeganPies · 07/03/2023 19:58

how is a boy in a tutu a big deal, still?

af that age kids like to experiment and have fun with self expression

surely most adults know this?

MeinKraft · 07/03/2023 20:07

MaryShelley1818 · 07/03/2023 19:09

I knew exactly what this thread was going to be about before I opened it.
I must admit in my experience very very few people care, they're probably just making conversation with you. A lot of these are all about the parents....mammy wants darling Hugo to have long straggly hair, wear tutus and nail varnish, a Unicorn tshirt and then everyone will know how progressive and cool she is. How free and liberated, and how gender stereotypes don't exist.
DS5 wears rainbow Joggers and loads of bright colours, but has a smart short hairstyle and I've never heard anyone comment on him. In jeans and a tshirt with trucks on he's still a delightful boy. I don't use him as an accessory or statement about myself.

I used to be part of a "cool" Scandi FB group from a retailer but they were obsessed with appearances, boys had to have long (usual horrible tatty) hair, have to be dressed in Frugi, only allowed to play with "alternative toys". There was one mam worshipped because she has about 7 of these children all wearing onesies, boys with long tats and little girl with shaved head. Just seems like they try too hard to be noticed then become offended if anyone comments. 😕

The kids always have to call them mama too, until secondary school

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2023 22:48

MultipleVeganPies · 07/03/2023 19:58

how is a boy in a tutu a big deal, still?

af that age kids like to experiment and have fun with self expression

surely most adults know this?

Oh no, apparently its nutty mothers who want their kids to be special and force them to grow their hair and wear tutus against their will. Can't possibly be a kid comes home, says Eva has a really cool tutu so can they please have one and the Mom obliging, just as she would a girl. Nope, it's a whole conspiracy of subjugation 😂

Dobby123456 · 08/03/2023 08:34

MischiefTheChicken · 07/03/2023 10:34

Interesting comment - I don’t know enough about child psychology to know when children establish a sense of self to express, through clothing, or any other means. However the OP doesn’t mention self-expression, only that her DS chooses his own clothes and seems to demonstrate strong preferences, as many children do. Why can’t those preferences come from themselves rather than parental influence?
My youngest always had clothing preferences from a very young age, I remember taking her to buy new wellies aged about 18-20 months, and her attempting several times to take the ones I’d chosen out of the basket and replace them with the less practical pair she preferred. I don’t imagine for a minute she was trying to ‘express herself’ through them but she sure as hell wasn’t expressing me.

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I read in one of those NHS emais they send you that you should give your toddler choices over things that don't matter - like what to wear. So I gave my 3-year-old a choice of two ourfits to wear, and she of course mixed the outfits so that everything clashed! They're not so much expressing themselves as asserting their indpendence.

Dobby123456 · 08/03/2023 08:39

MaryShelley1818 · 07/03/2023 19:09

I knew exactly what this thread was going to be about before I opened it.
I must admit in my experience very very few people care, they're probably just making conversation with you. A lot of these are all about the parents....mammy wants darling Hugo to have long straggly hair, wear tutus and nail varnish, a Unicorn tshirt and then everyone will know how progressive and cool she is. How free and liberated, and how gender stereotypes don't exist.
DS5 wears rainbow Joggers and loads of bright colours, but has a smart short hairstyle and I've never heard anyone comment on him. In jeans and a tshirt with trucks on he's still a delightful boy. I don't use him as an accessory or statement about myself.

I used to be part of a "cool" Scandi FB group from a retailer but they were obsessed with appearances, boys had to have long (usual horrible tatty) hair, have to be dressed in Frugi, only allowed to play with "alternative toys". There was one mam worshipped because she has about 7 of these children all wearing onesies, boys with long tats and little girl with shaved head. Just seems like they try too hard to be noticed then become offended if anyone comments. 😕

A little boy once came to a party wearing a dress with a badge pinned on saying 'ask me my pronoun?' I found it a bit uncomfortable because it was so obviously the parents' idea. I didn't say anything, of course, but all the kids were like 'why's your little brother wearing a dress? He's a boy, right?' because the kids aren't confused about which is which!

Craftycorvid · 08/03/2023 08:42

It just makes me happy seeing little children (and grown-ups, for that matter) absolutely owning it with their clothes and wearing what makes them feel good. I’m a lifelong hater of conformity and being uniform.

Whippetlovely · 08/03/2023 09:08

MaryShelley1818 · 07/03/2023 19:09

I knew exactly what this thread was going to be about before I opened it.
I must admit in my experience very very few people care, they're probably just making conversation with you. A lot of these are all about the parents....mammy wants darling Hugo to have long straggly hair, wear tutus and nail varnish, a Unicorn tshirt and then everyone will know how progressive and cool she is. How free and liberated, and how gender stereotypes don't exist.
DS5 wears rainbow Joggers and loads of bright colours, but has a smart short hairstyle and I've never heard anyone comment on him. In jeans and a tshirt with trucks on he's still a delightful boy. I don't use him as an accessory or statement about myself.

I used to be part of a "cool" Scandi FB group from a retailer but they were obsessed with appearances, boys had to have long (usual horrible tatty) hair, have to be dressed in Frugi, only allowed to play with "alternative toys". There was one mam worshipped because she has about 7 of these children all wearing onesies, boys with long tats and little girl with shaved head. Just seems like they try too hard to be noticed then become offended if anyone comments. 😕

Exactly this

It’s fine if your son has genuinely chose to wear these clothes. There are a section of parents who like attention and being up with the most liberal idea of the day. It is the parents buying the clothes for the children thus the parent really deciding what the child wears.

Most parents of a boy wouldn’t dress their son in a tutu , their are societal norms whether people like it or not. I wouldn’t dream of letting my son go out like that but I certainly could care less what your son does that’s up to you.

emptythelitterbox · 08/03/2023 11:39

Whippetlovely · 08/03/2023 09:08

Exactly this

It’s fine if your son has genuinely chose to wear these clothes. There are a section of parents who like attention and being up with the most liberal idea of the day. It is the parents buying the clothes for the children thus the parent really deciding what the child wears.

Most parents of a boy wouldn’t dress their son in a tutu , their are societal norms whether people like it or not. I wouldn’t dream of letting my son go out like that but I certainly could care less what your son does that’s up to you.

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I suspect much of it is performative parenting.
Can't get away in the office in emo goth garb, so why not dress the kids up for attention.

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/03/2023 11:39

momager1 · 07/03/2023 11:45

i have not read the whole thread.. just the OP and a few responses. OP.. I am the mother that got weird looks too. My son between 5 and 6 fought me to wear ANYTHING other than his power ranger costume. The issue? It was the pink one LMAO. This was the original power rangers. My ex told me that I was "making him gay" "embarrassing him because I took HIS son out in public like THAT!" That son.. is now 31 years old. 6'4. married with a gorgeous little girl (that loves her spiderman pj's and wears them to shopping lol) He works in construction. Def NOT gay, but if he was, would not matter to me as I love him and accept him for whoever he is. He has not seen his father since he was 15. People need to stop labelling children. An item of clothing does not make them trans...gay..straight ANYTHING. They are children and they should be allowed to enjoy the very fleeting stage of life that is just that...childhood. OP.. embrace your little ones quirks as they grow up too fast and someday these will be your most cherished memories. Team Tutu here!!!

That son.. is now 31 years old. 6'4. married with a gorgeous little girl (that loves her spiderman pj's and wears them to shopping lol) He works in construction. Def NOT gay, but if he was, would not matter to me as I love him and accept him for whoever he is.

Exactly!

What does it matter if your child is gay - why do people worry about these things? This is your child - you love them for who they are. If they are healthy and happy, then that is all that is needed.