Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

[WindowGazers]

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

Put him in high heels, why don’t you?
Bra…maybe?

Nobody ever cared or commented what mine wore when we went to play school/ school drop off in the 80’s early 90’s.
I had six kids, dad dead, no help getting out the door for 8.30.
Oldest ones at school and baby( pyjamas in the pram) I sorted . The others wore whatever they wanted, number 3 son particularly liked his sisters leotards as they were sparkly. His little sister would wear one of her brothers underwear over her clothes.
Small village school, not a jot of interest or judgemental eye rolls ever.
I wonder why people now seem to feel that they are entitled to have an go at anything outside of their norm. Doesn’t hurt anyone whatsoever what someone else’s child wears so live and let live, I have no opinion about how you dress your child as long as they’re happy and decent.

My sons always wanted the most colourful clothes when they were younger.( And matching nailpolish and haircolouring!) We found a nice shop that didn’t divide the clothes by gender, just by size. We never had any negative comments, just a lot of positive ones about how great they looked and how great it was that they followed their own ideas.

Now the oldest is 12 and all he has is black sportwear🙄

My internal thoughts about children dressing like this are centred around preparing them for growing up - the need to understand dressing a certain way,

This makes me sad for children. Can’t they just be free to be children whilst they can?

To me, 'middle class' describes the very dull and average 60% of the population.

I've never worked out why people care so much op. My son is 7 and he loves bright colours and sequins and he also loves leggings. I think I've had two comments in a negative way, I just roll my eyes at their small mindedness.

Well now that would be inappropriate for any 4 yo wouldn't it, as 4 year olds don't have breasts or the musculoskeletal strength for heels.

I've got an adorable picture of my youngest in fairy wings, tutu, long-sleeved t-shirt and joggers just hanging out waiting for the bus. No one batted an eyelid, and these days it's all black (although he does like a fluffy fleece jumper or two, so he's not gone totally non-descript).

At that age, probably not in real school, they can wear what they want (as long as warm/practical for purpose), so I'd keep letting them - anyone critically commenting can take their negativity elsewhere - although I'd not worry about other comments - after all, it is an unusual outfit!

It’s not “just clothes” because our society has well-entrenched “rules” about what each sex is allowed to like and wear. If you break the “rules”, you’ll attract censure.

There are some people who do it for attention too.

Of course, the so-called rules are ridiculous but many people feel very strongly about them. My FIL commented on a boy pushing a buggy “gonna turn out gay”. This is both sexist and homophobic.

Gender as a concept is pernicious but plenty think boys innately dislike pink and prefer robots, for instance.

I thought this too.

I wouldn’t let any DC, boy or girl, go into nursery dressed in whatever they want including a tutu. Great for home or even a pop to the shops, but not practical rough and tumble every day nursery wear.

This makes me sad for children. Can’t they just be free to be children whilst they can?

Yes, totally valid way of thinking. But this debate exists in a lot of areas of parenting, it comes up in regards to school work, chores, general behaviour, and many other things. People do fall at different points on the spectrum of "let kids be kids" vs "prepare them for adult life"

My FIL commented on a boy pushing a buggy “gonna turn out gay”. This is both sexist and homophobic.

Huh?

Guess he didn't look after his own children then.

A boy pushing a buggy is copying the men around him who are fathers and grandfathers who look after their children and grandchildren.

ah no, you missed the vitally important 'liberal' part.
There are subsets.

These are the artsy ones - educated types who run cute vegan grocery shops and sell crochet hats they make at home for a living. The actual money is usually either inheritance or rich husband with proper job. Sometimes though they really are pretty poor but mummy and daddy just haven't died yet.

One assumes they must also only engage in play that directly relates to their future employment choices, all whilst dressed in little mini suits or uniforms

A neighbour's son got funny comments about his long hair. Now he's a big, muscly teenager with long, curly blond hair and seems to be quite a hit among the girls. No comments on him looking girly, as he doesn't look girly. And no comments about it being his mum's choice and not his, as he's old enough for people to guess it's his choice.

People make assumptions whatever you do. If it's not the hair it'll be something else.

Well that is an absolutely huge assumption of my class and where I live 😅

It's madness isn't it? I had the opposite, a girl who didn't like dresses as a toddler and I brought her colourful basics (leggings and joggers, plain t shirts, all bright colours) and people would be so confused that she wasn't always in pink.
It's gotten better as she's gotten older, though last summer she cut her hair off and isn't happy with people calling her a boy and asking why 'he' wears 'girl' things (so bright colours again) 🙄People are idiots.

Oh go on ... tell me it's Camden ....

They're all very much the 'middle' too, I'm afraid. Perhaps they just don't realise it....

Let him be / dress how he wants to.
he will grow up knowing you, his mummy, always supports him, always had his back no matter what.
Stand up to these ‘so called adults’ give them a piece of your mind - let your son see it’s ok to be who he wants to be. Heaven forbid a boy pushing a dolls pram might turn out to be a good dad. Your boy might be the next world leading choreographer.
You’ve got this mama!

Yup his reasoning would make my DH “gay”, ridiculous isn’t it but in his world the husband wouldn’t be caught dead pushing a buggy as that’s a pink job so he’s managed to show he’s both sexist and homophobic in one comment

That's good my DD is going to be a superhero when she grows up.

@SleepingStandingUp Yes, perhaps uniform would be an adjustment regardless. But lots of children do get upset about wearing them (and some refuse) and I don't think it's that shocking for a parent to try to avoid that by gently guiding how they dress prior to that point. I'm not talking total control or dressing them formally, just some degree of boundaries for different occasions.

It seems like people just jump to the conclusion you are doing this for purely superficial reasons and immediately get their back up on here.

When my dd was about 3 she was in the park wearing camouflage trousers and grey tshirt and trainers and had quite short hair (what we used to call a pageboy!)
She was playing with a football, dribbling and kicking it quite far.
A passing bloke said "your little boy is really good at football! "
I said "she's a little girl actually "
He replied "oh it's not the clothes I just thought she was a boy because she's so good at football "
So I said "you're digging yourself a bigger hole now mate!"