Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

[WindowGazers]

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

It was the way it was said and the facial expression that accompanied. Though understand tone of voice is difficult to portray on a forum.

It's not unusual for boys to wear tutus etc. im surprised you are getting any comments. I wonder if people are saying them to you just to wind you up rather than because they have any opinion on his clothes.

There are a lot of sad people who love to wind people up unfortunately

I don't know why but this has really made me laugh

Yanbu OP. Gendered clothing is bonkers anyway nowadays and its not fair that girls can wear 'boys' clothes but its frowned upon the other way round, which I think is an example of toxic masculinity.

There are a number of threads on here where someones son is starting school and the mum is asking whether to let him wear the dress he desperately wants and there are always loads of nasty responses along the lines of 'you're encouraging your child to get bullied' [by people like me!], 'stop trying to use your child to make a woke point' etc. Its a bit of material and makes a child happy. That should be the end of it in my opinion

Don't worry! 😊

Yes there's a boy at nursery who wears brightly coloured rainbow clothes, tutus, skirts- the mum is always harping on about well I hope no one makes negative comments, she's the only one that mentions it! No one else really cares.

That said of course some people are still small minded.

My son would only wear pink before primary school
he loved neon pink skinny jeans which were meant to be girls ones from gap
I could not get him into nursery without these I ended up buying multiple pairs
Ignore them OP

I've sometimes said to a small child "ooh that's a fancy outfit you are wearing today" but it's always a compliment.
3/4 is a fantastic age for fashion choices. 🤣

I never mention his clothes to anyone. If they're constantly saying 'I hope nobody makes any negative comments' in front of their child they are basically teaching them that other people's opinions on their choice of clothing are important, which they aren't, or shouldn't be anyway.

But yes, when I see a child that is always dressed in fancy dress a part of me does think "well this child isn't being particularly prepared for school starting imminently"

Good god all you have done here is confirm the excessive insults fit

What a bloody weird thing to think.

He's 4, if he's cleanish and he's not going to freeze to death etc, and he's picked clothes he loves, then I absolutely bet he looks great. Fashionable or stylish? Nah. But great for a 4 yo? Definitely.

I'd look a wally in shorts and wellies, my kids look great in them.

I'd look silly in fairy wings and a tutu and a green TShirt and yellow trousers but a 4 yo would look amazing.

I didn't even mean to post it on here 😩😂 I don't know how this thing works haha

Keep letting him wear whatever he wants (within reason!! By which I mean weather appropriate). Before you know it he'll be 6 and in school and laughed at for having a pink water bottle 😒 So enjoy his innocent freedom while you can :)

If you go to the main page and click the drop down menu there should be an option to start new thread (unless you're on a computer in which case I'm not sure). For your query, select the style and beauty or pregnancy topic, add a title, add a bit of text to the free text box then you're good to go!

I’ll be honest, from your OP, I thought of that scene from about a boy where the mother says he’s just expressing himself and Hugh Grant shouts at her “he’s not expressing himself, he’s expressing you”. He’s not old enough to have established a sufficient sense of self to express himself through fashion - he’s wearing what you want him to wear, he’s doing what you have expressed to him that you like.

*That’s just a matter of taste. He thinks he looks great, his mum thinks he looks great. Who are you, the grand high arbiter of fashion?

Plus, he’s 4. He’s got the whole of the rest of his life to conform. It’s not our job to squash out children’s childhoods so that random strangers prefer their aesthetic.*

JFC, no I'm not the high arbiter of fashion and I do not care if a child looks "great" in my opinion. I was simply saying you can't objectively say he looks great and it's somewhat disingenuous to say "I just can't understand it, he always looks great" when you know full well there are conventions of what people consider fashionable and he's dressing outside of that. Even OPs language - mismatched etc - suggests she is aware he isn't fitting the normal standard of what people consider to look great.

I do not personally care about aesthetic, I don't feel I should need to keep saying that. My internal thoughts about children dressing like this are centred around preparing them for growing up - the need to understand dressing a certain way, not always as we would like, starts at reception. My daughter chooses her own clothes, they don't always match etc, but it does come with certain guidance from me such as "we don't wear tights and a T-shirt, you need to wear trousers or a skirt with that" and "we don't wear fancy dress costumes out of the house the vast majority of the time". In my opinion, these little things will help her understand when she doesn't get to pick what she wants to wear to school or formal social events etc as she grows up. I would rather begin preparing her now than have it been an additional hurdle for her when she starts school. This is not dissimilar to other areas where parents choose to either begin teaching their children, or allow them to do what they want while they are small and learn later. That difference in opinion does not need to be as heated as people are making it.

Ignore them! My 3 year old makes it her mission to wear as many unicorns, rainbows, fairies and sparkle as is possible. Usually topped off by a straw hat or tiara and a Peppa bag. They’re only little for such a short time…. But even if this is their unique style going forward, allow them to embrace it! I wish I had the confidence! I must admit that I’ve been known to say ‘that’s an interesting look’ and try to coax her into something a little more toned down as she has so many gorgeous outfits- but why shouldn’t she mix it up?!

go with it and ignore others, it’s none of their business!

I used to paint my sons nails as a toddler, he won't let me now at age 6 but loved it at the time. His grandad (FIL) made irritating comments about how I needed to have another baby because I obviously wanted a girl. It was actually just because my child saw me painting my nails and wanted his done too! So I understand the annoyance at comments.

At nursery he just wore clothes that I didn't mind getting wrecked/covered in mud. Also had to provide a puddlesuit and wellies. So if my son was into tutus at the time I probably would have left them at home.

Oh come on, it's not like I took him to a wedding dressed as iron man. He'll be fine at school, he'll be excited about the uniform and new friends. Not worried at all.

Ok great, but I don't think it's that unusual for people to think that a child who has chosen what to wear every day of their life and it's always very bright etc might not be overly thrilled by a school uniform.

Lots of children do get upset about wearing them.

Kind of, and also true.

Op probably does live somewhere where she gets to be the only artsy liberal in the small town.

Hence all the other posters not understanding why anyone is commenting on her child's clothes ... they live in more liberal leafy middle class enclaves where this is an absolutely normal and standard outfit for a four year old boy to wear.

Tbf that was DS. He still spends most of his life outside of school in either fancy dress or something weird. I think it terms of uniform prep, unless you're dressing your kids in smart trousers and jumper etc for nursery every day, uniform is always an adjustment.

I now have 3 yo twins and again they spend half their life in dress up, occasionally they try to put it over their uniform (yes, uniform in nursery here) but they have no issue understanding they have to wear it

Well. I used to be all in favour of gender neutral dressing in little kids although generally speaking mine eventually wound up conforming to gender stereotypical clothes, seemingly influenced by what the kids said at school (DS dress sense still unique amongst her friends, but definitely female).

Honestly I’d be a bit more circumspect now as a friend’s boy who liked tutus and nail polish was told
about trans people wearing girls’ clothes in y7 and now identifies as trans and wants puberty blockers and boobs. Maybe it’s inherent but I don’t remember him wanting to be a girl when he was younger, although he did play with his older sisters a lot and they used to dress him up. I don’t have an issue with boys dressing as girls at all - what does/should that even mean? - but you might need to explain when he’s older that just because that’s what he enjoys / enjoyed as a child, doesn’t mean he now needs medication or surgery.

My son wears pink and has long hair the amount of backlash I get is insane he is aware he is a boy he still likes pink and long hair I'm raising him to believe these things don't matter they are JUST hair and JUST clothing

The sad thing is that this matters to anyone, I wish we could just let children express themselves without it being so gendered.

My 5yo has a nature themed dress up day at school this week and I wondered if he wanted to go as a butterfly (we have a pair of butterfly wings) and he’s refused because he says “the other boys will say I am dressed as a girl”.

I think it’s harder for boys as being a “tomboy” is generally accepted as commonplace, girls are positively encouraged to wear dinosaur t-shirts etc. But boys who want wear “feminine” clothes or express themselves in a more feminine way tend to get more grief. Not to say there’s not pressure on girls too but I think it’s more challenging for boys to defy convention as they get older.