Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

[WindowGazers]

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

Do you live in a backwards area?

🤣 I haven’t said anything of the sort 🤣🤣🤣 bright colours are especially lovely on children. I did make the point that you v v rarely see a 4 yr old dressed head to toe in black - do you not agree with that? I said long hair on boys is often left hanging round their faces and looks untidy and more often then not the child has it because the parent likes it. I do keep saying I wouldn’t go out with my hair all over the place, wearing odd socks and in a cobbled together outfit so I wouldn’t expect my child to either.

Well, I have a teenager and I feel sorry for kids who try to make their kids stand out in a negative way and become a target for bullies. It's the kid who will suffer, whether you accept society's norms or not.

whose parents*

the vast majority of small girls have long hair.

it happened enough times that dd noticed and started asking to grow her hair long so people wouldn’t be mean 🤷‍♀️

including in the swimming pool. 9-10 year old kids were the worst, I found. Usually backed up by their parents who would tel them of course it’s a boy, as if I didn’t know.

again, just because it didn’t happen to you doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

"If you are going around with a child dressed either as a rainbow or a goth (what 4 year old even has a head to toe black outfit?) then you are attention seeking"

If it’s up to the individual and / or parent not to make them a target
If it’s ok to bully someone who dresses what may be perceived by some to be inappropriate.
Then we’d be living in a country where “all those girls had it coming to them “
Thank god we don’t.

Yeah, again, letting a toddler choose their own clothes is not "try[ing] to make their kids stand out in a negative way and become a target for bullies."

If we had fewer adults teaching conformity from a young age then we'd have fewer kids bullying other kids for non-conformity.

It’s interesting to people because it’s a bit different to usual. Same as anything. Unusual weather. Unusual height. Unusual holiday. Unusual academic achievement etc etc. People commenting aren’t criticising, they are just making conversation.

I didn’t say it didn’t happen? I said that woman’s attitude certainly isn’t the norm and neither are the weirdos in your swimming pool, it’s not like she had a number two all over is it???

Exactly. Even if you allowed your 2 yo to walk round the shop with a trolley, they're influenced by your choice of shop, by the clothes you yourself wear,by your budget. People are talking as tho ops influence is poorer than their own or detrimental to DS

It’s not if there’s nothing matching available, if he needs half a clothes change, he’s grown out of something ect. They match sometimes but it’s not important 🤷‍♀️

Adult women don't either tho? And I've never seen an adult to go to work in tiger onesie. Are we now only buying young children office wear?

A clothes change is different, everyone has had to strip a baby off and grab what’s close but I find it bizarre to put them in unmatched clothes at the start of the day, personally I wouldn’t. It would matter to me.

I dress well, I think. But I don’t think it’s a great idea to instil “pride in your appearance and presenting yourself well” in a small child. I think it’s an awful thing to encourage, actually. What if your child is disabled? Wants to play in muddy puddles? Is poor?

Sorry, what?

But I don’t think it’s a great idea to instil “pride in your appearance and presenting yourself well” in a small child. I think it’s an awful thing to encourage, actually. What if your child is disabled?
You think a disabled child can't do what? Look nice? Take pride in their appearance? Present themselves well? I'm hoping this came out badly and you didn't actually mean it

I dress well, I think. But I don’t think it’s a great idea to instil “pride in your appearance and presenting yourself well” in a small child. I think it’s an awful thing to encourage, actually. What if your child is disabled? Wants to play in muddy puddles? Is poor?

I once lived in a very mixed area of MC/poor (before council houses were all sold off and sold on to richer people). At the local primary school where most children in the area went, it came up as to whether there should be no uniform. It was striking that the ‘poor’ parents were the very ones wanting a uniform. They wanted their dc to look smart and be at the sort of school where that smartness symbolised a standard of excellence.

See I don't think you're baffled at all because putting tutus over everything is unusual, and a little more so for a boy.

People will comment, although negative comments are rude, obviously.

I'm glad your DS is confident in whatever he chooses to wear, but let's not pretend it isn't a little unusual even in 2023.

I meant, other people judging them because they have no hair, or are in a wheelchair, or can only wear certain clothes - none of which “match”.

What has disability to do with anything??? What an horrendously ableist comment. Or poor??? I grew up poor, I was always dressed as nicely as my mother could afford to make me and yes that involved hand me downs and a lot of second hand clothes a lot of the time. How dare you think poor people cannot take pride in their appearance or present themselves well. Everyone I knew was poor growing up and ALL took great pride in their appearance. It’s not a negative thing to make children aware of themselves and how they present themselves. It is a negative thing to make that the centre of their being. It’s definitely not a positive thing to allow them to look like no one cares how they look.

Exactly what I am referring to.

I don’t think you know many disabled children or their parents. I know a few and they take great care to lovingly present their children in nice, comfortable clothes that they like. You have some pretty messed up ideas if you think that a child with a disability doesn’t take pride in how they look.

How is it ableist? My DD is disabled. It’s not good to put pride in appearance. Appearances don’t matter. How you dress doesn’t matter. Having pride in your appearance is unpleasant vanity. You can look presentable and nice, but you shouldn’t have pride in that.

Because you are taking having pride in your appearance to mean everyone has to look the same way. That’s not what it means at all. It means presenting yourself as well as you are able. Of course you should take pride in looking presentable and nice. Otherwise why don’t we all just wear joggers and hoodies all the time, all else according to you is unpleasant vanity.

There's PRIDE aka vanity and pride aka self respect.

Pride as in vanity as in oh Mommy said I look perfect and you're not as pretty as me so I'll be happier in life, or little girls dressed up in white frills for the park daintily swinging on a swing because looking pretty is more important than having funny, yes that's wrong.

But do you ne er brush your hair or put it in a style you like vs cutting it grade 2 for practicality? Do you never let your daughter wear something that's pretty nad ha her favourite colour or animal on?

I'm sure you make sure your daughter is largely tidy, clean, with clothes that fit her comfortably and that she enjoys.
Taking pride in being able to present yourself as best as you can regardless of other people's value judgements on beauty isn't a sin. I'm sure your daughter knows she's beautiful inside and out