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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer to host BILs kids from abroad for their education?

204 replies

Flatlandia · 06/03/2023 17:52

BIL and his wife and kids live in a remote location in a third world country in Africa. Their income would not cover boarding fees but they want their kids to have a UK education, especially for secondary school. Kids have British passports. Leading questions have been asked about our local schools and open ended musings about what options there might be.

Although no direct question has been asked yet, I am very reluctant to offer to host the kids for school.

  • my youngest is 11. BILs kids are baby/toddler. By the time BILs kids are secondary age, I will finally be child free, can go on holidays during term time, no longer a taxi service or teenage counseling service. I'll be able to work more flexibly and travel, build up pension and enjoy my adult kids. For all these selfish reasons I don't want to start year 7 again.
  • I'm sure BILs kids are lovely but we have no meaningful relp due to the distance. They would be strangers to me and would need so much support to adjust culturally to this country, school, missing their parents etc.
  • potential for so much awkward falling out over living costs, silly things like who decides if they do after school clubs and pays for it. Effectively trying to parent these kids on a day to day basis while respecting their parents wishes vs my house my rules.
  • my adult kids lose their rooms in our house (if still at uni could be an issue for hols) and our time and energy as we'll be focused on their cousins.
  • all of this being a lifestyle decision by BIL to live in this location to start with (following a dream), why should I pick up the pieces?

But I think the logistics etc could be worked through and it would make a huge difference to these kids lives, open so many opportunities for them. So mainly it's the selfish reasons. And maybe I'd feel differently if it was my siblings kids rather than BILs...

Aibu to say no and stop any thoughts of this being an option?

ps daily mail or any other journalists can fuck off.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 06/03/2023 17:54

Totally agree with all your concerns!

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/03/2023 17:55

I don't know why you're even asking us. They are not your children and BiL is (apparently) expecting you to parent them because he and wife decided to go and live where they did?

Don't be daft - just say no.

AffIt · 06/03/2023 17:56

Absolutely not.

I might have more sympathy if you or your husband's family were from a developing country, but your BiL and his wife took off, presumably knowing that this would be the outcome.

Nah: bed, made, lie. If they wany those opportunities for their children, then they either return to the UK or throw money at the problem.

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/03/2023 17:56

If they want their kids to have a UK education, they need to move back here. It's as simple as that.

KvotheTheBloodless · 06/03/2023 17:56

If they're that sold on a UK education, why can't they move here? Surely that's easier than disrupting your life to such an extent?

MichelleScarn · 06/03/2023 17:56

Does your BIL not just want to return to the UK to live himself? (assuming they have passport via him).

Whattodo121 · 06/03/2023 17:57

State boarding schools could be an option -There aren’t many around but the education part is free you only pay for the boarding.

SettlingForAnotherMuffin · 06/03/2023 17:57

My parents had almost exactly this situation, after I left for uni. They said NO. NO and NO again.

It permanently ruptured relations but was worth it tbh.

If your BIL wants his kids to have a UK education then they have to sort it without relying on other people to facilitate it. They need to step up and parent their own children and make their own choices.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 06/03/2023 17:57

Your concerns are massively valid.

We took in my SIL’s kids during the start of covid and lockdown due to her job in ICU. It was only four months and it was much much harder than I expected.

Other people’s kids are harder work than yours.

You’d have to have complete say/veto on everything and resolving issues would be massively tricky if he’s away

If he wouldn’t consider coming back to live here for his children’s education then he’s properly cheeky expecting someone to take them in for the whole time.

what does your DH think?

Cnidarian · 06/03/2023 17:57

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/03/2023 17:56

If they want their kids to have a UK education, they need to move back here. It's as simple as that.

^ all that needs saying really

KindergartenKop · 06/03/2023 17:57

Are these the people in New Lives in the Wild the other day? 😹

iwantavuvezela · 06/03/2023 17:57

There could also be some sort of compromise that children come when much older (Y10 to prepare for GCSE's)

yepmelady · 06/03/2023 17:57

Of course not. Your BIL has to parent his own children, meaning if he wants an English education he moves back or he accepts what ever is available where he has chosen to live.
I wouldn't do it

EL8888 · 06/03/2023 17:58

So you would have to uproot your lives so they could continue to live their “dream”. Nah. Zero chance of me doing this. Totally unreasonable

Clymene · 06/03/2023 17:58

No.

Vegrocks · 06/03/2023 17:58

So odd that you don’t once even allude to what your partner, the sibling to this BIL, thinks?

Thisisformathilda · 06/03/2023 17:59

HELL Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

AffIt · 06/03/2023 17:59

iwantavuvezela · 06/03/2023 17:57

There could also be some sort of compromise that children come when much older (Y10 to prepare for GCSE's)

Why, though? Why should the OP have to parent other people's children based on choices the parents have (presumably willingly) made?

Elfandwellbeing · 06/03/2023 18:01

It’s a very challenging issue to navigate. I would want to facilitate a good education for my family but they are asking for much much more. They are asking you to parent their children for at least 5 of the most difficult years of schooling.

Iloveacurry · 06/03/2023 18:01

No way would I do this. They made a decision to have children, living where they do. They need to deal with this themselves or move back to the UK. Is it your DH’s brother? What does your DH think of it?

RosaBonheur · 06/03/2023 18:01

Are you sure this is actually what they're thinking?

Could they not just be thinking about moving back to the UK as a family?

UdoU · 06/03/2023 18:02

But I think the logistics etc could be worked through and it would make a huge difference to these kids lives, open so many opportunities for them.

It’s up to their parents to open up opportunities for their own children. Stop creating more work for yourself.

It sounds as if the bulk of the childcare will be left to you. And do you know who BIL and SIL will thank? Your DH, not you.

Pallisers · 06/03/2023 18:02

No way would I do this. Way too much responsibility. The next time BIL raises questions about your local schools, you could say "oh are you thinking of moving back to this area for secondary school?"

I have a friend who did something very similar but just for one year of school for a kid who would otherwise have had to move overseas to his dad (his mum died - the mum was a friend of my friend). It was a huge responsibility for her, hard to fit in with her other kids, and in the end she got absolutely no thanks for it.

MamOfFive · 06/03/2023 18:02

If you wanted more kids you'd of had more kids. YANBU. They need to move back if that's what they want.

iwantavuvezela · 06/03/2023 18:03

@AffIt there is no reason the OP needs to - but she was posing the question, or musing about it, so I added in that sometimes there are more than 2 options! Me, i'm not sure I could host another 2 children, bur I was trying to think around possibilities.