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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer to host BILs kids from abroad for their education?

204 replies

Flatlandia · 06/03/2023 17:52

BIL and his wife and kids live in a remote location in a third world country in Africa. Their income would not cover boarding fees but they want their kids to have a UK education, especially for secondary school. Kids have British passports. Leading questions have been asked about our local schools and open ended musings about what options there might be.

Although no direct question has been asked yet, I am very reluctant to offer to host the kids for school.

  • my youngest is 11. BILs kids are baby/toddler. By the time BILs kids are secondary age, I will finally be child free, can go on holidays during term time, no longer a taxi service or teenage counseling service. I'll be able to work more flexibly and travel, build up pension and enjoy my adult kids. For all these selfish reasons I don't want to start year 7 again.
  • I'm sure BILs kids are lovely but we have no meaningful relp due to the distance. They would be strangers to me and would need so much support to adjust culturally to this country, school, missing their parents etc.
  • potential for so much awkward falling out over living costs, silly things like who decides if they do after school clubs and pays for it. Effectively trying to parent these kids on a day to day basis while respecting their parents wishes vs my house my rules.
  • my adult kids lose their rooms in our house (if still at uni could be an issue for hols) and our time and energy as we'll be focused on their cousins.
  • all of this being a lifestyle decision by BIL to live in this location to start with (following a dream), why should I pick up the pieces?

But I think the logistics etc could be worked through and it would make a huge difference to these kids lives, open so many opportunities for them. So mainly it's the selfish reasons. And maybe I'd feel differently if it was my siblings kids rather than BILs...

Aibu to say no and stop any thoughts of this being an option?

ps daily mail or any other journalists can fuck off.

OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 06/03/2023 18:19

I wouldn't do it either. Sounds like they want to have their cake and eat it too. They need to decide if living in the country of their choice takes priority, or their children getting the education they want, and find a way to make it happen without burdening anyone else with the children they chose to have.

sorcerersapprentice · 06/03/2023 18:20

Sounds like he is trying to outsource parenting. Grim.

maranella · 06/03/2023 18:20

No, I wouldn't entertain this OP. But, to be fair, they haven't asked and maybe they're thinking of moving to your area when their DC are old enough to go to school? I don't think I'd jump to conclusions. But nor would I offer to host them. If asked, a simple 'God no, my own DC are off to university this year and I'm looking forward to [holidays in term time/enjoying some afternoon delight/upping my hours at work/retiring and putting my feet up] (delete as applicable).

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/03/2023 18:24

"Sounds like your dreams aren't good for your family as the kids grow up, BIL."

ittakes2 · 06/03/2023 18:25

There are government high schools which offer cheap boarding suggest they google and find these . I know of a grammar royal grammar school and a non grammar but still academic Holyport I think.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/03/2023 18:25

iwantavuvezela · 06/03/2023 17:57

There could also be some sort of compromise that children come when much older (Y10 to prepare for GCSE's)

Aka the most difficult parenting years!

frazzledasarock · 06/03/2023 18:26

Ask him when he’s moving back. And start shrugging about local schools no idea mine aren’t at that stage anymore.

what does your partner have to say about it?

Babymamaroon · 06/03/2023 18:28

Gosh that's a new level of entitlement!

Not only do they want to send their children to another country, to receive an education provided by a small population of tax-paying, financially-squeezed people, they want you to do the child-rearing on top!!

How do they plan to contribute to the cost of the education and to compensate you?

Just. Say. No.

Nevermind31 · 06/03/2023 18:30

Next time they bring it up…. Ohhh, when are you thinking of coming back? You’d better be back in year 5 so that you can be sure to live in catchment area.
secondary school is a hard time… I’ll be so glad once mine are finished with secondary school.

Maray1967 · 06/03/2023 18:31

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/03/2023 17:56

If they want their kids to have a UK education, they need to move back here. It's as simple as that.

Exactly this. They need to make the sacrifice, not you. This would be an incredibly cheeky request when they could simply move back themselves.

Maedan · 06/03/2023 18:32

So they've had children but want you to parent them for the majority of the year? God no no no! Totally unreasonable, they need to move back or send them to boarding school, stop all talk of this now

Tarahumara · 06/03/2023 18:34

A couple of posters have already mentioned state boarding schools which could be an option.
www.hockerill.com

SunshineAndFizz · 06/03/2023 18:37

If they bring up comments about the schools in your area again...

"Yes I really recommend this area if you do decide to move back to the UK for schools."

End of.

Seeingadistance · 06/03/2023 18:39

MelchiorsMistress · 06/03/2023 18:06

If the children are still little and a British education matters that much to your in laws, they have plenty of time to move back. Maybe that’s what they were thinking when they asked about schools near you.

They haven’t even asked you so why are you worrying?

This.

Pinkypurplecloud · 06/03/2023 18:43

I would look after my nieces and nephews if they were orphaned or their parents incapacitated. So that their parents could pursue their own dreams, at the expense of my own retirement dreams, absolutely no chance.

And I’d be heavily judging BIL and the child’s other parent if they’re happy to live most of the year on a completely different continent from their own minor children. That’s not how a good loving parent would behave in almost any circumstances.

IkBenDeMol · 06/03/2023 18:46

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/03/2023 17:56

If they want their kids to have a UK education, they need to move back here. It's as simple as that.

Exactly this. And if the children are just toddlers, they have plenty of time to get planning.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 06/03/2023 18:46

The very idea that you should even consider doing this is daft. Obviously there are millions of kids in less developed countries who would greatly benefit from coming to the UK and getting an education here - our education system isn't great but it's certainly better than some. But no you can't just randomly be expected to host children who aren't your own to facilitate this. The fact that they are relatives-by-marriage doesn't affect this, they still aren't your kids and their own parents are responsible for their upbringing and education.

If their parents can legally get the right to come to the UK and bring their children, then that's all well and good, and good luck to them.

Presuming that BIL is your DH's brother - if DH wants to support his brother's kids, he can probably have a much greater impact on the quality of education they get by making a modest contribution to any costs associated with them getting an education in their home country - that would work out much much cheaper than hosting them here for years, even if you were willing to sacrifice your family life for them.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 06/03/2023 18:46

When I read your title, I was expecting to read that they are uni age or similar, but expecting you to take them right from secondary age is asking a lot.
All your concerns are very valid.

Nimbostratus100 · 06/03/2023 18:49

I doubt it would even be legal

Orangetapemeasure · 06/03/2023 18:51

They are likely either missionaries, medical or working for a charity…..and almost all of these sectors have funds to enable older children to board in the uk. But as per pp, it’s not something you have to take on.

Nottodaty · 06/03/2023 18:51

Our neighbours have their niece living with them , but their daughter is a similar age & they have 2 older children too.
They’ve done it since around year 3 - seems quite settled into family routine must be hard being away though from parents and now going into mid teenage years!! She definitely doesn’t want to go home as much for the whole of the summer as her life is much more here now.

surreygirl1987 · 06/03/2023 18:51

If they're that sold on a UK education, why can't they move here? Surely that's easier than disrupting your life to such an extent?

Exactly!

Blackbird2020 · 06/03/2023 18:52

OP, this problem is YEARS away…. Why on earth don’t you and your partner ask him what his plans are when he brings this up?

It would be so much simpler than writing up a long list of cons to their supposed plans, that you could just be imagining, here on mumsnet.

TennisWithDeborah · 06/03/2023 18:54

You might be overthinking this. Hopefully that’s the case.

2bazookas · 06/03/2023 18:54

BIL will need to rethink his lifestyle choices for the sake of his childrens UK education.

If he's unwilling to do that, he's got no right to ask you to make that sacrifice .