Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer to host BILs kids from abroad for their education?

204 replies

Flatlandia · 06/03/2023 17:52

BIL and his wife and kids live in a remote location in a third world country in Africa. Their income would not cover boarding fees but they want their kids to have a UK education, especially for secondary school. Kids have British passports. Leading questions have been asked about our local schools and open ended musings about what options there might be.

Although no direct question has been asked yet, I am very reluctant to offer to host the kids for school.

  • my youngest is 11. BILs kids are baby/toddler. By the time BILs kids are secondary age, I will finally be child free, can go on holidays during term time, no longer a taxi service or teenage counseling service. I'll be able to work more flexibly and travel, build up pension and enjoy my adult kids. For all these selfish reasons I don't want to start year 7 again.
  • I'm sure BILs kids are lovely but we have no meaningful relp due to the distance. They would be strangers to me and would need so much support to adjust culturally to this country, school, missing their parents etc.
  • potential for so much awkward falling out over living costs, silly things like who decides if they do after school clubs and pays for it. Effectively trying to parent these kids on a day to day basis while respecting their parents wishes vs my house my rules.
  • my adult kids lose their rooms in our house (if still at uni could be an issue for hols) and our time and energy as we'll be focused on their cousins.
  • all of this being a lifestyle decision by BIL to live in this location to start with (following a dream), why should I pick up the pieces?

But I think the logistics etc could be worked through and it would make a huge difference to these kids lives, open so many opportunities for them. So mainly it's the selfish reasons. And maybe I'd feel differently if it was my siblings kids rather than BILs...

Aibu to say no and stop any thoughts of this being an option?

ps daily mail or any other journalists can fuck off.

OP posts:
thebluehen · 06/03/2023 18:03

Their kids, their problem.

Get would be too much of an ask for me.

All your concerns are valid ones in my opinion.

lovechickencrisps · 06/03/2023 18:04

This is absolute madness

ShandaLear · 06/03/2023 18:05

No chance. If they try it again just ask if they’re planning on returning to the UK, and if not tell them straight out that you’ll not be available to look after the kids and it’s unreasonable of them to expect it. If they care so much about their kid’s education then it’s their responsibility to look after them in the UK, and certainly not yours.

MelchiorsMistress · 06/03/2023 18:06

If the children are still little and a British education matters that much to your in laws, they have plenty of time to move back. Maybe that’s what they were thinking when they asked about schools near you.

They haven’t even asked you so why are you worrying?

Flowersinmai · 06/03/2023 18:06

I was going to suggest state boarding. If they can’t afford boarding schooling here how will they afford university ? The children will be charged International fees as they have Uk passports but are not resident. Has BIL considered that?

DisforDarkChocolate · 06/03/2023 18:06

There are situations I do this for if it involved a defined period or a term. The situation you describe would be a no. If they want a UK education they move here or earn enough to pay for boarding school.

Imagine finding a way to have someone else deal with the teen years, I'd have had so many more children!

Throwncrumbs · 06/03/2023 18:06

So they pay no taxes here but want free education at the expense of the British taxpayer, that alone would make me say no …CF’s!

SettlingForAnotherMuffin · 06/03/2023 18:07

Anyway there are plenty of British International schools around- even probably quite close to wherever they have chosen to live. They can sort that out more easily. (Or maybe it is just easier to get you to do the hard education years for them)

Triffid1 · 06/03/2023 18:08

I wouldn't even let this enter my mind. Its the kind of thing dh's family would muse about but it's more laziness than anything- so, if they decide to return to the UK, they might decide to come live near you then you have already done all the research etc. On some level there will be an assumption that you will make it easier for them - perhaps by organising forms or sending links or basically telling them what to do (and in our case, then NOT doing it and then complaining to me when the outcomes aren't the same as ours....)

Of course, I could be wrong and even if I am not, it's bloody irritating. I have learnt to be quite breezy and non-commital when asked for details about our life in this way.

MeridianB · 06/03/2023 18:08

No way should you feel obliged to do this. BIL needs to make plans to move to UK if this is important to them.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 06/03/2023 18:09

Never in a million zillion years!

For all intents and purposes you would be parenting you BIL & SIL children, for years on end. You should be enjoying your child free time, not dealing with homesick 11 year olds who’ve been uprooted from everything they know as they head into puberty. Nightmare.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 06/03/2023 18:09

Can you do this even if you wanted to? Wouldn’t there be some issues about the parents needing to be habitually resident in the uk to access education and if they weren’t then you would have to step up formally as guardians, legal or otherwise? I’m sure it’s not simple.

even if it were, it would be a not a chance from me.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/03/2023 18:09

they want their kids to have a UK education

Then they need to move to the UK and provide it for them.

It’s not your job to raise their kids. I wouldn’t give it a second thought and I would tell them to move to the Uk if they ever mentioned it to me. Honestly, OP-this really isn’t your problem, they have their own parents.

Legoandloldolls · 06/03/2023 18:10

I had a similar dilemma. I couldn't do it. The parents would be swanning about child free abroad living their best lives ever, chasing an important career. Not putting their kids first or pausing their lives to give the kids the opportunity they wanted for them. They wouldn't do it for my kids. So nope. No possibility

Speakingofdinosaurs · 06/03/2023 18:11

Your point 1 is enough:-

“my youngest is 11. BILs kids are baby/toddler. By the time BILs kids are secondary age, I will finally be child free, can go on holidays during term time, no longer a taxi service or teenage counseling service. I'll be able to work more flexibly and travel, build up pension and enjoy my adult kids. For all these selfish reasons I don't want to start year 7 again.”

Although why on earth you would call yourself selfish for having a perfectly acceptable life plan is putting yourself down.
If you are asked to take on BIL’s children just say the above.

EyesOnThePies · 06/03/2023 18:12

The practical and ‘lifestyle’ issues are obvious, and the impact on you would be immense, effectively setting your life back by 7 years from Yr 7 to the end of A level. That makes no sense.

Are you sure BIL isn’t just meaning to pick your brains on secondary options as part of their planning and decision making? Anyway I would grasp this head on and say “Are you thinking of coming to the UK for secondary age? There’s no way we could manage to see your kids through school just as ours are leaving, but obviously we could help with doing research for you into housing and jobs”.

Are you sure

Overthebow · 06/03/2023 18:13

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/03/2023 17:56

If they want their kids to have a UK education, they need to move back here. It's as simple as that.

Yep this. Why should you compromise on your life when they won’t with theirs?

GoldenGorilla · 06/03/2023 18:13

So they haven’t actually asked? Maybe they’re thinking about moving back and wondering about living close to family.

if they do ask it’s an easy no.

LakeTiticaca · 06/03/2023 18:14

Snowballs, hell and chances come to mind reading your post OP.
No no and a thousand times NOOOO!!

Hankunamatata · 06/03/2023 18:14

Like heck would u want to parent someone else's kids through teen years

DelphiniumBlue · 06/03/2023 18:14

It's a no from me.
And even if they decide to send their DC to a British boarding school, would they be expecting you to have them during the holidays? Or be available to ferry them to and from airports etc several times a year?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/03/2023 18:16

In fairness they haven't asked anything yet. You just need to be very clear - "Are you planning to move back here then? No? But then how could they go to school here? No, we couldn't have them here."

Somebodiesmother · 06/03/2023 18:16

But they haven't asked!

Shinyandnew1 · 06/03/2023 18:16

But I think the logistics etc could be worked through and it would make a huge difference to these kids lives, open so many opportunities for them.

Seriously, this isn’t your problem to solve. They aren’t orphans who need you to save them. BIL and SIL need to decide how they want to live their lives and then do it. You have your own family and aren’t there to swoop in and raise a second family because they can’t be arsed to move back. I don’t know why you’re considering it!

Daleksatemyshed · 06/03/2023 18:18

Rather than fretting about them asking Op I'd get in first. Ask them why they keep asking about schools where you live. They may be hinting and hoping you'll offer rather than asking you outright. You can just laugh and say all the things you've said on here, especially the bit about your own DC being adults by then and not being prepared to start again. Get your No in quick before they get any plans in motion