To not offer to host BILs kids from abroad for their education?

[Flatlandia]

BIL and his wife and kids live in a remote location in a third world country in Africa. Their income would not cover boarding fees but they want their kids to have a UK education, especially for secondary school. Kids have British passports. Leading questions have been asked about our local schools and open ended musings about what options there might be.

Although no direct question has been asked yet, I am very reluctant to offer to host the kids for school.

• my youngest is 11. BILs kids are baby/toddler. By the time BILs kids are secondary age, I will finally be child free, can go on holidays during term time, no longer a taxi service or teenage counseling service. I'll be able to work more flexibly and travel, build up pension and enjoy my adult kids. For all these selfish reasons I don't want to start year 7 again.

• I'm sure BILs kids are lovely but we have no meaningful relp due to the distance. They would be strangers to me and would need so much support to adjust culturally to this country, school, missing their parents etc.

• potential for so much awkward falling out over living costs, silly things like who decides if they do after school clubs and pays for it. Effectively trying to parent these kids on a day to day basis while respecting their parents wishes vs my house my rules.

• my adult kids lose their rooms in our house (if still at uni could be an issue for hols) and our time and energy as we'll be focused on their cousins.

• all of this being a lifestyle decision by BIL to live in this location to start with (following a dream), why should I pick up the pieces?

But I think the logistics etc could be worked through and it would make a huge difference to these kids lives, open so many opportunities for them. So mainly it's the selfish reasons. And maybe I'd feel differently if it was my siblings kids rather than BILs...

Aibu to say no and stop any thoughts of this being an option?

ps daily mail or any other journalists can fuck off.

Not unreasonable at all, it would be the most massive commitment.

BIL and family need to think this through properly.

If they mention schools, respond warmly: it would be lovely if you moved back for little x to go to high school nearby. Although we will be child free by then so there is a chance we move to go live the dream.
if they are more direct: oh no, we will be done parenting children by then, parenting teens is a full time job. You’ll have to move back.

They haven't actually asked you though. Maybe they're thinking about moving home for secondary and getting a house near you?

F no it's like you get to raise kids after the cute stage is finished and you get the awful teenager issues.
No freaking way.

No I wouldn’t agree. It’s for their own parents to return to the U.K. if they want their kids to have a U.K. education. No way I’d be hosting them when my own kids had left home. Just say no. End of

"BIL and his wife and kids live in a remote location in a third world country in Africa. Their income would not cover boarding fees but they want their kids to have a UK education, especially for secondary school."
Then they'll have to come back to the UK, won't they?

"Leading questions have been asked about our local schools and open ended musings about what options there might be."
Time to be blunt then. Next time they start musing, you just ask straight out - 'So you're moving back to the UK then?' And if they try to prevaricate at all, you again be blunt and say - 'Well we're not going to be involved, I've served my time on that particular coalface hahahaha.'

Be blunt and up-front. You are talking about THEIR children, who are THEIR responsibility. All these "open ended musings" are attempts to manoeuvre you into offering to take them on. DO NOT BE MANIPULATED BY THESE CHEEKY FUCKERS.

Why are they in Africa?
If they are working it is normal for an employer to pay school fees.

As others have said there are many international schools in Africa, many of which are residential. I work in one.

Drop them a note:
"Oh, you MUST be thinking of coming back to blighty, then."
(NB no question mark)

If BiL wants to give his kids a UK education, he can come home & live in the UK.

What does SiL say about this plan to have her children move halfway round the world from her?

YANBU.

There are quite a few online schools following the British curriculum and offering GCSEs. Maybe that could be an option instead?

You need to find out about the fostering implications of having children living with you who are not your own.

It is not as simple as them moving in.

They may be thinking of moving near you which is why they are asking about schools near you. If I lived abroad for so long, I wouldn't know where to start with the English school system. If I had a sibling in the UK, I can imagine asking similar questions. Unless they actually ask, that's a big thing to assume. Or they're terrible people but you haven't said that.

They haven't asked, if they do tell them your problems with it. Years away anyway.

My parents took in my cousin for her to study her uni course while I was at college. 20 years later, my aunt and mum aren't speaking, my cousin and my mum aren't speaking, my dad isn't speaking to aunt and cousin and I'm not speaking to aunt and cousin. My mum has warned me and my siblings if one day we come across a sibling asking for a favour to house a niece/nephew, say no. If we really, really want to do a good deed then just pay for a room elsewhere faraway from your own home but never house them in your own home. It affected her relationship with her sister and niece. It's very difficult to parent someone else's kid and your relationship gets ruined in the end and all the sacrifices you make are never good enough for them. These types of people who ask for favours that make you sacrifice your own personal space, finances and freedom are the types of people who feel entitled and remember, you can never make entitled people happy!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. To just answer a few points:

• They are very unlikely to move back to the UK. They part-own & run a small tourism based enterprise with an environmental focus. Its amazing and they love it, its more their life's meaning than a job, but not very profitable. There's no employer to cover schooling fees. They could not recreate it in the UK in any way, they don't really have any qualifications, if they moved here it would be unskilled jobs with none of the job satisfaction & meaning and quality of life etc they currently have, I just can't see that happening.
• BIL is british but his wife is not, and some posters have picked up on the cultural expectations being different and it being more common & almost expected for children to go overseas to relatives for education if that option is available.
• At least some of the "musings" are coming from PIL who would of course like their grandchildren to have a UK education, but are of an age and health where they have no chance of sensibly being able to to offer to host the grandchildren themselves (without the kids basically becoming their carers). I think they would be so happy if we offered because it could give them the chance to have their grandkids in this country and form a much closer relp with them.
• I had no idea about state boarding schools in this country even existing, so thanks to the posters who suggested that, it gives something I can contribute back to in a positive way to the conversations. I also don't know the situation about schooling options in their location in any detail other than it would probably involve some form of boarding for secondary anyway due to the remoteness of their location. Really this is all for them to look into, to figure out what's legal / practical / costs affordable.
• I wanted to make my own decision and part of this post was to help decide that, before discussing with DH. He's a good equal partner to parenting our own children, I think if I said I was up for it he would be too because its his brother and his nephews/nieces, and would do more than his fair share. This is part of my dilemma because I think if the relations were on my side, I would be more seriously considering saying yes, and feel guilty that its a different decision for DH's family.
• I think its important we make our position clear now, so that they can plan their future accordingly, rather than avoid the issue and lead to much more disappointment in the future. Personally I think they should have thought about this before having kids... but that's just me getting snarky again.

Thanks again.

Well OP lives there too so gets as much say. Maybe OP has done the majority of child rearing

Can you financially afford to feed, clothe, entertain and cover everything expense wise for three extra kids? How would this affect your pension and retirement plans? How much could the parents contribute? What about holiday's etc? Realistically could they afford the children to fly home every holiday? What legalities would be pit in place re say for example one of them had a serious illness or accident and needed a parent to authorise surgery? There are so many questions to be answered and i would need a formal legalised arrangement to cover every eventuality. Expect the best but prepare for the worst. If you think you can make this work ling term without growing resentful then go for it, but it is one massive long term commitment.

There’s also now lots of options for online schooling utilising all sorts of curriculums. It’s paid for of course but could be an option for them to receive a British education while living with their parents.

It's not snarky, you're right, they SHOULD have thought of this before having kids. Are PILs in a position to help with boarding school fees?

Don’t even entertain their hints. Next time they start asking ‘oh how lovely you are thinking of moving back to give your kids a good education. We’d love to see you and DW more regularly.’ Start talking about how you hate looking after other people’s kids.

If they actually ask you to take in their children just laugh and say ‘don’t be silly they’re YOUR children.’

you could suggest they start saving now so they can rent/buy a flat near you for their children to live in while they study their Alevels locally and that you’d happily help offer what support you could and check in on them regularly once their 16+ if that might be an option

I say that as this idea seems to be coming from them in part.

Don’t feel any obligation at all to do this obviously.

I have some experience of African schools from time spent in a number of countries there. Another useful ‘option’ for them to consider might be the better boarding schools within their country of residence (or a nearby one if theirs is really tiny and obscure) - the ones more orientated at the local elite (which whilst wildly expensive by local standards are much smaller amounts of money by UK standards) rather than international schools (which like UK boarding schools are £££££). They may be a comparatively similar amount of money to the DC flying backwards and forwards a few times a year (have they considered the cost of this)

There has also been a huge growth in online education with whole ‘schools’ operating this way over the last few years and I imagine this will be even more in 5-10 years time. Again private but not boarding school prices

I would worry very much about turfing my children out of their rooms. Both my children lived at home for about a year after university.

I wouldn’t do it. Once my own kids have flown the nest I have plans, including downsizing the house and lots of travel.

Start making noises about how much you’re looking forward to free time and doing things like holidays on a whim, to both your bil and your pils, you need to start nipping this in the bud asap.

I think you are right about letting them know early that this is not an option (and I would certainly not consider it, it's basically having a new family).

They can choose if it's their job which is more important or their children's education. If they need to come here and be work unskilled jobs then so be it. Education is free. Maybe PIL could help out financially/ housing if they can't offer other help and want their grandkids closer. In fact, I would rather give my ILs some money to set up here than take on their kids for 10 years or so (if they go to university).