To not offer to host BILs kids from abroad for their education?

[Flatlandia]

BIL and his wife and kids live in a remote location in a third world country in Africa. Their income would not cover boarding fees but they want their kids to have a UK education, especially for secondary school. Kids have British passports. Leading questions have been asked about our local schools and open ended musings about what options there might be.

Although no direct question has been asked yet, I am very reluctant to offer to host the kids for school.

• my youngest is 11. BILs kids are baby/toddler. By the time BILs kids are secondary age, I will finally be child free, can go on holidays during term time, no longer a taxi service or teenage counseling service. I'll be able to work more flexibly and travel, build up pension and enjoy my adult kids. For all these selfish reasons I don't want to start year 7 again.

• I'm sure BILs kids are lovely but we have no meaningful relp due to the distance. They would be strangers to me and would need so much support to adjust culturally to this country, school, missing their parents etc.

• potential for so much awkward falling out over living costs, silly things like who decides if they do after school clubs and pays for it. Effectively trying to parent these kids on a day to day basis while respecting their parents wishes vs my house my rules.

• my adult kids lose their rooms in our house (if still at uni could be an issue for hols) and our time and energy as we'll be focused on their cousins.

• all of this being a lifestyle decision by BIL to live in this location to start with (following a dream), why should I pick up the pieces?

But I think the logistics etc could be worked through and it would make a huge difference to these kids lives, open so many opportunities for them. So mainly it's the selfish reasons. And maybe I'd feel differently if it was my siblings kids rather than BILs...

Aibu to say no and stop any thoughts of this being an option?

ps daily mail or any other journalists can fuck off.

Not a cat in hells chance would I be taking on someone else’s children for several years, that’s asking way too much. Culture is irrelevant, if you’re the one being asked, it’s not your culture, it’s his wife’s.
Some men seem to think women love looking after kids, any kids, it’s what we’re made for in their misogynistic little heads.

In response @Flatlandia

This state school, with an option to board, is highly regarded but would require 11+ pass. ( increasingly stressful when the first child has passed and attends and their is a risk younger siblings won't pass).

There would still have to be an appointed legal guardian who lives in the UK.

www.ripongrammar.co.uk

Fees are also shown.

Only do it if you want to. One of my family members was deployed in a country where there wasn't good education so they had to leave their eldest kids behind with relatives. It was only possible because those relatives had a relations with the kids, didn't have kids of their own and made a full commitment to their education. The parents also funded the education and living costs.

"it would make a huge difference to these kids lives, open so many opportunities for them" @Flatlandia don't let this override all the other points in your original post. It's not for you to provide those opportunities, that's down to their parents. BIL is living the life he wants and that's great but he can't cherry pick the best bits of that. Maybe PIL can make financial provision to help if they are also in part driving the conversation of wouldn't it be good if the DGC could have a British education. Both my DC are now at uni, there is absolutely no way I would step back and do it all again starting at secondary unless a death in the family necessitated it.

Those are my thoughts as well.

There is nothing in the OP to indicate that there is an expectation for family to raise their children whilst at school.

I think you're getting massively ahead of yourself if they are only toddlers and they haven't even asked you.

Don't worry about it.

I’m sure OP knows what her BIL is like so can take a good guess at his motives. Better to be prepared in case she’s right.

At the private boarding school DC will require a guardian and depending on DC and school the involvement might be quite significant. So I would think twice even about this scenario. For you it will be like going backwards again.
The distance will make a huge difference for parents involvement. I’m not familiar with flight prices to Africa but I guess if money for boarding school is a problem it means money for frequent flights will be a problem too.
You were thinking what if it’s your sister. Tbh it might mean that she would mention something, you would react and she would pick up your feelings straight away and it would be the end of conversation. She probably knows how you dream about childless weekends already whereas BIL and his wife don’t know about your life so much and can’t relate to your difficulties. The same applies to PiLs, they think about different life with different expectations when they were your age. In their age children where not supervised so much, didn’t attend so many after school activities etc so for them looking after 2 or 4 DC, for 5 years or for 8, make no significant difference.

No fucking way would I agree to this. Ignore all hints or ask when they are moving back. If their parents want to open opportunities for them they can damn well do it themselves.

I think it would be wrong of BiL to even think that you could become a carer to his children. You have your own life and there is no reason why you should be expected to raise them from age 11. They should move back to the UK if they want them to be educated here

It is a long time away and you simply do not know what will have happened in your lives by then.

However, your reasons for not wanting to take this on are very clear, and it would be sensible to let them know now that you will not be able to do this, so that they can plan accordingly. It seems that they have not yet asked directly, but you could find an opportunity to make your situation clear when they are asking about local schools. Ask them if they are planning to move back in order to send their children to local to you school. This should trigger the question you are concerned about and give you an opportunity to state your position.

Adding another no way to the chorus.

Your BIL & SIL have chosen their lifestyle and to have children. Up to them to resolve the issues that go with those responsibilities. None of this has to include you.

Ridiculous idea, absolutely shockingly entitled. Why did they bother having kids

UK education is rubbish anyway.
Our standards are way below most developed countries.

OP
I agree with your most recent post. They really should have thought this through before having children.
What, for example, would have they done if you weren’t around.
They must, surely, have had a plan B.

This with bells and cherries on

English schools (specifically - not Welsh or Scottish) do pretty well by international standards, looking at TIMSS and Pisa.

Leading questions have been asked about our local schools and open ended musings about what options there might be.

Why would you not ask, ‘Wow…are you moving back!?’?

The British education system is very very highly regarded internationally.

My ex wasn’t British and he and his family thinks it’s the bees knees.

My oldest friend also not British - waxes lyrical.

and when I’ve worked abroad - the consensus very much is that generally

the British education system is very highly regarded.
our legal system is regarded as the gold standard
our political system is mildly humorous and oft inept but ultimately the controversies are very mild
our food and weather is a bit pants

I know this all sounds very hypothetical and future-y, but the OP is probably right to be a bit spooked - she mentions different cultural expectations in her SIL's culture, and BIL may have acquired similar attitudes if he has lived there a while. If you are surrounded by a kinship based culture, it may be very hard to get your head round the fact that in the UK most people just don't do this kind of thing for relatives.

I'd get the position straight with BIL and SIL, so that they have plenty to time to start thinking about other arrangements. Simplest way is just to get the topic round to schools, ask about what arrangements they are making in this African country, and then onto, are you thinking of switching to boarding in the UK at some point, etc. This will force the topic, and give you a chance to state clearly that there is no way you are going to do this. It sounds like boarding in the UK would be a pipe dream for them, of course - it's ludicrously expensive.

Is their concern more about ensuring their kids get decent academics, or is it more about wanting to "Anglify" the kids? Where they live, are there other local kids around, to give the kids some kind of a peer group? Is English the lingua franca of the country they are living in?

It might work out cheapest to find a tutor who could come out to where they are living, rather than paying three sets of school fees, if the local schools are utterly inadequate or miles and miles away. They could try and hire one from overseas (some people might think of it as an adventure and be totally up for it!) or they could look for a nice young English-speaking college graduate in the country where they are. Can you share the name of the country?

I think you need to make it clear now. Next time he starts musing, gently say something about all your plans for when your kids have left school and something like 'just so we're all clear - I'm assuming you aren't thinking that your kids would live with us, as it isn't something we'd be able to do'.

OP, when people hint at wanting things, do you often feel you have to offer them? Stop feeling that. I used to and it's such a relief to give it up.

BIL and wife have created a stupid situation for themselves by having children somewhere there aren't suitable schools.

There are all kinds of things most of us would like to do and places we'd like to live, but the ones that aren't compatible with our children's wellbeing are mostly ruled out even before they've become conscious choices.

That BIL and SIL have thought so poorly about this is a strong indication that they will continue to think poorly and generally be a pain if you get involved.

I think you are wise to get this straight while it's very much in the future.
I remember my close friend, one of three sisters, telling me that her DM, when the oldest daughter, got engaged (no baby on the way), told her daughters that, delighted as she was that they were all setting up their own households, and how she would love to be a GM one day, she would not be available for regular childminding, although she was happy to do occasional babysitting. So when GC did come along, there was no shock disillusionment.
If hints are made that SIL comes from a culture with different expectations, the response could be "How interesting. We, on the other hand, are looking forward to easing off as our own DC are becoming independent".
BIL and SIL need to stop dropping hints and start checking out other solutions to a problem of their own making. At least they have a bit of time for planning on their side.

"I think its important we make our position clear now, so that they can plan their future accordingly, rather than avoid the issue and lead to much more disappointment in the future. Personally I think they should have thought about this before having kids... but that's just me getting snarky again."
I think that is a very wise position to take. Hints are being dropped to manipulate you, best not to allow them to think it's working. Give them the maximum time possible to make other plans other than drafting you in as substitute parents. You're right, they should have thought about this before having kids, it's not snarky at all. And also, your PIL - they need to know you won't be doing this either. Pressure from them has to be defused ASAP.

To go back to the start - "BIL and his wife and kids live in a remote location in a third world country in Africa. Their income would not cover boarding fees but they want their kids to have a UK education, especially for secondary school."
Why do they want their kids to have a UK education? What is so wrong with the education available locally? All the potential problem stems from BIL&SIL's wants. "Wants", not "needs". But it is a want that is being treated as a need, isn't it?

I know everyone has come up with alternative boarding/online suggestions, but maybe BIL&SIL need to examine what they want and why they want it.

Have they looked at state boarding schools.
Education is free, but pay for the boarding element.