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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer to host BILs kids from abroad for their education?

204 replies

Flatlandia · 06/03/2023 17:52

BIL and his wife and kids live in a remote location in a third world country in Africa. Their income would not cover boarding fees but they want their kids to have a UK education, especially for secondary school. Kids have British passports. Leading questions have been asked about our local schools and open ended musings about what options there might be.

Although no direct question has been asked yet, I am very reluctant to offer to host the kids for school.

  • my youngest is 11. BILs kids are baby/toddler. By the time BILs kids are secondary age, I will finally be child free, can go on holidays during term time, no longer a taxi service or teenage counseling service. I'll be able to work more flexibly and travel, build up pension and enjoy my adult kids. For all these selfish reasons I don't want to start year 7 again.
  • I'm sure BILs kids are lovely but we have no meaningful relp due to the distance. They would be strangers to me and would need so much support to adjust culturally to this country, school, missing their parents etc.
  • potential for so much awkward falling out over living costs, silly things like who decides if they do after school clubs and pays for it. Effectively trying to parent these kids on a day to day basis while respecting their parents wishes vs my house my rules.
  • my adult kids lose their rooms in our house (if still at uni could be an issue for hols) and our time and energy as we'll be focused on their cousins.
  • all of this being a lifestyle decision by BIL to live in this location to start with (following a dream), why should I pick up the pieces?

But I think the logistics etc could be worked through and it would make a huge difference to these kids lives, open so many opportunities for them. So mainly it's the selfish reasons. And maybe I'd feel differently if it was my siblings kids rather than BILs...

Aibu to say no and stop any thoughts of this being an option?

ps daily mail or any other journalists can fuck off.

OP posts:
illiterato · 06/03/2023 18:55

Blackbird2020 · 06/03/2023 18:52

OP, this problem is YEARS away…. Why on earth don’t you and your partner ask him what his plans are when he brings this up?

It would be so much simpler than writing up a long list of cons to their supposed plans, that you could just be imagining, here on mumsnet.

Agree- don’t borrow problems from tomorrow. By the time these dc are secondary age you’ll be an empty nester and it will seem ridiculous to them that you’d even consider it. However, in the meantime be v careful to shut down any suggestion by then.

Hayliebells · 06/03/2023 18:56

Nope nope nope no way never not in a million years. If BIL wants his children to have a UK education so badly, he needs to move back to the UK with them.

KnickerlessParsons · 06/03/2023 19:00

BIL's kids are baby and toddler age.
Anything could happen between now and when they reach school age, so I'd say, don't stress.
They're not really likely to send a 5yo overseas to go to school and stay with strangers, are they? You have at least another six or seven years to come up with reasons why you can't host them.

BTW, there are companies who organise host families for kids in school in U.K. and whose parents are abroad. They can go to these families for weekends and school hols, and the stand in parents do do school concerts etc.
Its for children in boarding school but might be worth suggesting if BIL ever brings the question up.

StaunchMomma · 06/03/2023 19:00

Fuck THAT!!

This is 100% piss taking, not only of you and your family but of an education system that is already on its knees.

Yes, the kids have British passports, but unless they and their parents move back to the UK they're just milking the system.

I'm an open borders, pro EU, staunch Labour voter and still I think that's taking the piss!

As far as you are concerned, why the hell would you want to raise teenagers you don't even know, really? Raising our own teens is hard enough!

I think you need to let your DH know now that it's a hard no from you, that way he has time to make it clear to BIL and they have time to plan a move back.

Sunsetintheeast · 06/03/2023 19:00

Do the parents not have British passports?

Badbudgeter · 06/03/2023 19:02

I wouldn’t do this and like Pp if it was brought up Id absolutely assume they were thinking about returning as a family. The idea that you should look after them should never occur as that would be crazy. If anyone else does bring it up it should be tested as a ludicrous idea.

Mum23amazingkids · 06/03/2023 19:02

I have a lot of sympathy for you . My partners family is partly from a 3rd world country in Africa nd it’s very common in their culture to host their cousins and send them abroad to study . My partners brother has a toddler and is already in questioning who will have her so she can have a good education . Just like you , part of me thinks I should make the effort as other way she might not have a education but all your worries are the same as mine , and above all the fact it would be extremely hard to host a child for years and then send her back to a 3 rd world country with awful conditions compared to the ones she would be used too.

Mum23amazingkids · 06/03/2023 19:03

Badbudgeter · 06/03/2023 19:02

I wouldn’t do this and like Pp if it was brought up Id absolutely assume they were thinking about returning as a family. The idea that you should look after them should never occur as that would be crazy. If anyone else does bring it up it should be tested as a ludicrous idea.

This so actually very common sense it’s Africa n cultures , my neighbours are here from Angola and constantly had a stream of cousins for a few years to study .

Untitledsquatboulder · 06/03/2023 19:03

Is this your husband's brother? Should you not be talking to him? I come from a background where not assisting family in this way would be abhorrent/ pretty much unthinkable so if this is your husband's culture then he may feel strongly about it. It wouldn't even be a question in my family even though dh is British but obviously not every intercultural marriage is the same.

Pearfacebananapoop · 06/03/2023 19:04

Tell them to look at UK state boarding schools that way they only pay board not education eg Oldswinford Hospital School.

Cheeky fuckers.

MissConductUS · 06/03/2023 19:05

my adult kids lose their rooms in our house (if still at uni could be an issue for hols) and our time and energy as we'll be focused on their cousins.

My DS moved back in after uni. He has a good job, but rent in our area is very high. So he moved back in with us, and we love having him home again. DD is still attending uni, but the same may occur with her. Don't take this option off the table for your kids.

BellaJuno · 06/03/2023 19:06

Nevermind31 · 06/03/2023 18:30

Next time they bring it up…. Ohhh, when are you thinking of coming back? You’d better be back in year 5 so that you can be sure to live in catchment area.
secondary school is a hard time… I’ll be so glad once mine are finished with secondary school.

Totally this, be direct next time they ask you a leading question and make it clear they can count you out of their musings.

Weallhaveavoice · 06/03/2023 19:07

Not something i would do for all the very reasonable reasons you have given
If they want their children educated here one of them at least needs to come back.

I wouldn’t even entertain the thought.
Technically they haven’t asked. Maybe you should ask when one or both of them intends to come back.
Offer to find them accommodation
That should put the idea in their heads that you are not going to look after their children.

To be honest I think it’s very thoughtless of them if this is indeed their plan

Hayliebells · 06/03/2023 19:07

Wouldn't they need to actually live here to be eligible for a place at a state boarding school?

drpet49 · 06/03/2023 19:07

RosaBonheur · 06/03/2023 18:01

Are you sure this is actually what they're thinking?

Could they not just be thinking about moving back to the UK as a family?

This. It all hypothetical nonsense at this stage. The children concerned are still toddlers/ very small.

Pippylongstock · 06/03/2023 19:08

Can I ask are they missionaries? I can’t for the life of me think why they would do this to their kids? Having lived in overseas I have seen missionary families makes some pretty awful decisions for their children (not all) but many don’t put education above their work. It can really really screw kids over. But at the end of the day it is their decision. A couple of things I would say - secondary is a long way in the future and their plans may change significantly between now and then.

CountryCob · 06/03/2023 19:08

This isn't just about education IMO they are wondering if you would bring up their kids for them essentially

Hayliebells · 06/03/2023 19:08

Untitledsquatboulder · 06/03/2023 19:03

Is this your husband's brother? Should you not be talking to him? I come from a background where not assisting family in this way would be abhorrent/ pretty much unthinkable so if this is your husband's culture then he may feel strongly about it. It wouldn't even be a question in my family even though dh is British but obviously not every intercultural marriage is the same.

I don't think this can be the case here. OP said BIL chose to move from the UK.

Ozcando · 06/03/2023 19:10

Cnidarian · 06/03/2023 17:57

^ all that needs saying really

Show quote history

This 100%

LlynTegid · 06/03/2023 19:11

I think saying no would actually be the kindest thing to do for the children concerned.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 06/03/2023 19:11

Your bil sounds like a chancer. I’ll dump my kids on you when they start becoming teens and you can deal with them.

All you have to say is ‘sorry, that doesn’t work for me’.

whathaveidonetomydc · 06/03/2023 19:12

Isn't this a bit premature? I assumed it would be happening next year. A lot can happen in the next 10 years, I really don't think they will expect you to commit to anything at this stage.

Thehonestbadger · 06/03/2023 19:12

Absolutely, completely, entirely, emphatically and without a single hesitation …NOOOOPE!

Here are some stock responses to help if the need arises;

’we don’t want the kids to miss out on a U.K. education’

  • Oh I entirely agree, although personally we can not wait till our kids are done in education and we never have to do another school run or deal with another teenager again! Can’t wait to have our freedom back.

’We just can’t move back right now but the kids are going to miss out on so big an opportunity’

  • As parents you need to figure out your priorities. There’s no third option, if you want them to school in the U.K. you either move home or pay for boarding school.
Notellinganyone · 06/03/2023 19:13

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/03/2023 17:56

If they want their kids to have a UK education, they need to move back here. It's as simple as that.

This - or stump up for boarding school. I think it would be really unreasonable of them to even ask you and I’d never consider this.

ShakeYourFeathers · 06/03/2023 19:15

My uncle has dropped similar hints to mg parents in the past. The answer was no and a big change of topic of conversation

Yanbu