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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks he should come on my work trip

313 replies

chilledegg · 03/03/2023 20:32

My DH and I have been together for 15 years. I've been working from home for the past 5.

I work for a company based in Japan and I've been invited over there for three weeks in June.

He wants to come with me. I've said no on the basis that I'll be working 8 - 8 and it's not a holiday.

My flights and hotel are paid for, and there are 5 other colleagues from the UK coming too.

None of their partners are coming. I told him it would be strange for him to tag along and now he's not speaking to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
TheCrowFromBelow · 03/03/2023 20:35

No

ThePoshUns · 03/03/2023 20:37

It's probably not appropriate, however I would love to go to Japan and if my husband was going there on a business trip I would be trying to wheedle my way into going as well.

Coxspurplepippin · 03/03/2023 20:39

It depends. Like pp I would be shutting myself in DHs suitcase for an opportunity to visit Japan. If he's doing it to keep an eye on you YADNBU.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 03/03/2023 20:39

If he's happy to do his own thing all day while you work then I don't see why not.

Hiddenvoice · 03/03/2023 20:39

It’s not appropriate but if my dh was going to Japan for a work trip that was all paid for then I’d probably ask if I could tag along too. Nothing to do with being insecure or worried about what will happen there but just the fact that I could be a tourist there and visit so many different places.

Noicant · 03/03/2023 20:39

No YANBU but I’d definitely be like “oooh look the flights are soo cheap, I won’t be a bother!” And then not be surprised if DH refused to let me tag along.

Ginger1982 · 03/03/2023 20:39

Does he intend paying for it?

WandaWonder · 03/03/2023 20:39

HAVE to go along no but if I knew my husband was happy to go and do his own thing, we could pay for it and it not would not affect others, and I was totally fully to do what I needed to do to want myself I would take him

And the reverse for me

NoMoreAgeJokes · 03/03/2023 20:40

No it would be inappropriate.
Aside from working all day, you’ll probably be “talking shop” at dinner in the evenings with your colleagues and hosts, so it would make things very awkward for all.

Nimbostratus100 · 03/03/2023 20:40

well, I would definitely combine it with a holiday with your DH! how exciting!

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 20:40

Normally I wouldn't expect him to want to come but Japan for 3 weeks would be pretty cool

Coxspurplepippin · 03/03/2023 20:40

And obviously if you need to socialise with work colleagues in the evenings it won't be much fun for him. Can you tack a couple of weeks leave on the end of the work trip and DH join you for a proper holiday?

Lcb123 · 03/03/2023 20:41

I think I’d want to go, if I was in his shoes. But he needs to fully understand he’ll be on his own. Surely you’ll get weekends off

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/03/2023 20:41

I mean, personally I can't see the harm in him coming as long as he doesn't complain you're working all day and socialising and networking in the evenings.

I'd do anything to go to Japan though so I might be bias Grin

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/03/2023 20:42

I can think of a couple of reasons why he'd try that. One is that he doesn't trust you to be away for three weeks, the other is that as everything is paid for he thinks it's a free holiday if he tags along. I've done expenses for years and people have been on trips where their OH has turned up at the end for an extra couple of days, but it was always the rule that the company would pay only for what was company related and any extra like the room for more nights was the employee's responsibility to pay for. Plus of course the flight and rooms will be in your name only.

What does he plan to do if you're working?

mynameiscalypso · 03/03/2023 20:43

My DH has tagged along when I've worked abroad before - it's nice to have someone to do stuff at the weekend with. He then entertained himself during the week.

Survey99 · 03/03/2023 20:43

I wouldn't with dh, but we have had a lot of project workshops over the last year with a global attendemce and a few partners came along. I am still in touch with the wife of one of the guys from amsterdam.

If is a great opportunity for a cheap holiday if he is independent and your team is socialable. Only you can judge if it is appropriate for your own context.

PillBoxes · 03/03/2023 20:44

What is the actual point of him going? Will he pay all costs himself? If so he can bloody well go to Japan on his own another time and you alone with your work.

If it were a nearer country and for a much shorter time maybe.... if he could entertain himself all day and half the night on his own. But three weeks in Japan, not a chance. Will he get annual holidays to cover it anyway? Have you got kids?

Maybe he doesn't trust you with your colleagues away in the Far East or something. Men can be like that. If the shoe was on the other foot he more than likely would not like you to be with him either on a work trip.

Bunnyishotandcross · 03/03/2023 20:46

Depends on the reasons he states for wanting to go.
Sightseeing great.
Controlling twat not so great.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/03/2023 20:46

I have gone on a (much shorter) work trip with my husband before...but we
A. only did it for a couple of days out if his weeks work trip
B. both completely understood that it was effectively just sharing a room and that he would be out socialising with colleagues and eating with them etc. I am fine going to restaurants by myself so wasnt an issue for us
C. booked some time off together afterwards. So basically saved the costs of a couple of days hotel for me and then saved the cost of his flight

Anything else would just be interfering with someone elses work and incredibly awkward if you were like 'no I cant join the group meal / drinks' every night

CMOTDibbler · 03/03/2023 20:46

I travel a lot for work (and yes, I've been to Japan 4 times) and dh has never come while I am working. It would be a distraction from getting on with my work, and we would literally never see each other as I'd be doing breakfast with colleagues, working all day, having dinner with colleagues, then either falling into bed or desperatly trying to catch up on emails.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2023 20:47

Coxspurplepippin · 03/03/2023 20:40

And obviously if you need to socialise with work colleagues in the evenings it won't be much fun for him. Can you tack a couple of weeks leave on the end of the work trip and DH join you for a proper holiday?

This.

I've only known one woman whose DH used to tag along and I strongly suspect he was abusive.

Bunce1 · 03/03/2023 20:47

Come for the last week? Otvis such a great opportunity. But I can see why you’re not comfortable with it.

Crazycrazylady · 03/03/2023 20:48

Suggest he comes out at the end and you take a few days leave to do stuff together.

Withnailandeye · 03/03/2023 20:48

Depends what your job is and what is expected of you.
whenever I’ve been away with work, it has been to work and I’ve had little spare time - I usually do come home thinking the lovely accommodation/locations are wasted on me and in a sense it would be lovely to have someone appreciate them whilst I’m actually working but in my line of work it absolutely would be inappropriate and unprofessional.